Welcome to the penultimate episode of American Horror Story, the show that hits you in the face harder than a left hook from Misty Day. I really enjoy the last two episodes of every season of AHS, when the writers realize they have a million storylines to tie up and 90 minutes in which to do it. I like to imagine a writer waking up from a drug binge and hurling himself into the writer’s room screaming “holy fuck you guys, we forgot about those mutants in the forest! How are we gonna tie that shit up!? Did we kill Chloe Sevigny’s character or just cut off her legs?! Where’s that intern with my meth?! FUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!”
This week’s vocab word is: doomzo, a combination of “dunzo” and “doomed.” Three of our fave characters get totally doomzoed in this episode, but my fingers are crossed for their resurrection in the finale.
The episode kicks off with an old timey silent film depiction of the seven wonders, complete with title cards and some light piano music.
Unless that authority is a raging bitch, in which case everyone will die multiple times
We learn that the seven wonders consists of:
- Telekinesis (moving shit with your mind)
- Concilium (controlling shit with your mind)
- Transmutation (basically Nightcrawler’s BAMF teleportation)
- Divination (what Emma Thompson did in Harry Potter)
- Vitalum Vitalis (resurrecting the dead via nuzzling)
- Descensum (floating out of your body to other dimensions)
- Pyrokenesis (fire!)
Apparently, performing the seven wonders could get you killed, what with the fire and BAMFing and all. But let’s take a second to discuss this silent film: if witches are desperate to keep their identities a secret, then why would they make a fucking movie detailing all their traditions? Are there witch-only cinemas? Do they only show The Craft, Witches, Witches of Eastwick, and the Disney cartoons with witches in them?
I’mma let you finish, but Goody Prudewell had the best concilium of all time
Basically, the seven wonders are like the core curriculum at Hogwarts. Fiona is telling Queenie all this over coffee, which makes me wonder if all of Fiona’s stories occur as silent films in her mind.
Fiona fondly remembers her nun fetish
Queenie wants to know what the fuck happened to Marie, because she’s seen horror movies and knows that any person of color is the first to die… right after the slut character, of course. Fiona assumes Marie is off cavorting with Papa Legabooboo (bitch, you know his name). Fiona also calls him a half baked Beetlejuice, which is inaccurate because I’m pretty sure Papa Legba is fully baked at all times. HE HAS A COKE PINKY NAIL.
Fiona Goode: Fully baked 24/7/365
Queenie demands some respect for Marie and for herself, but Fiona quickly strangles her in a classic Jedi choke hold. Fiona demands respect, especially when she doesn’t deserve it!
Say I’m pretty! SAY IT!
Fiona tells her to eat her Wheaties, take her vitamins, and wash it all down with glass of Shut Your Fucking Mouth. The seven wonders are happening so you need to get your game face on.
Not a game face
Upstairs at Miss Robichaux’s School for the Re-Blinded, Cordelia stumbles her way into Madison’s room, hands outstretched, hoping to glean some visions from whatever she comes in contact with. She’s been rifling through Misty’s belongings and can’t get a read.
I’ve gone through all of Misty’s bras and panties, and I got nothing
Cordelia tries to read Madison, who dodges her touch by transmutating all around the room. Also, Cordelia is FUCKING BLIND. You could take two steps to the left and accomplish the same thing.
Marco…
Polo…
Madison (who, by the way, is dressed like Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) taunts Cordelia for trying to touch her, although Cordelia DID say “I need to touch you.”
No, I said touch you, not teach you. That ship has sailed
Then Madison asks the question we’ve all been asking ourselves since episode one:
Both really committing to Buffy roleplay
Cordelia wants to know what Madison is hiding, other than some of Papa Legba’s coke in her purse. When she finally touches her, Madison uses her powers to block Cordelia’s sight.
Ugh, Cordelia, that’s not how face palms work!
In the potions room, Queenie is snooping around for any trace of Marie, but all she finds is a puddle of blood and a disembodied voice of Marie talking about buttermilk biscuits. That is not a joke, that is literally what happened.
How many times do I have to tell these girls to clean up after their dismemberings?
Queenie flips through a voodoo spell book, lies down, and floats up out of her body.
This illustrated Kama Sutra book is terrifying
Double Queenies! What does it mean?!
Queenie is then transported to a desaturated version of the fried chicken joint where she used to work. She sees a line of people out the door and Papa Legba at the counter.
Welcome to Ravenswood Fried Chicken, can I help you?
Papa Legba tells Queenie that he lives in the worst memories of the people he visits. I hope he doesn’t visit me, in which case he’d be sitting with my family while we watch the adults-only Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas.
Welcome to Zumanity! Now enjoy some topless clowns!
Queenie returns to her body and has some hot chocolate with Papa Legba. They discuss the whereabouts of Marie, and we find out that Delphine dismembered her in the potions room and scattered her body parts across the city.
This OKCupid coffee date is going great!
Queenie asks Papa how to kill Delphine, and he tells her that she only dies when Marie dies. Queenie then argues that, since Marie can’t deliver him a baby every year (what with being human confetti and all) that technically she’s in breach of contract. Papa Legba is impressed with her smarts and her marshmallow hot chocolate.
Do I have any cocaine residue on my face?
We then hop on our broomsticks and fly over to the LaLaurie mansion, where a newly made over Delphine gives a tour of her former home. She ignores the whole “notorious murderer” part of the tour however, and the tourists are like, WTF?
…and that’s how Ted met The Mother!
SRSLY THO?
Delphine tries to rewrite history for the tour, and assures the tourists that the murder thing is a typo on the brochure. And in the guidebook. And on all of the internet. An angry Queenie watches her from the outside.
I will never be sick of the “who’s at the door” meme
Delphine is surprised to find Queenie lounging on a chaise. Queenie tells her that no one is buying her lies about her history.
Yeah I crossed your red velvet rope and made my own VIP section. Deal with it.
We cut to Delphine on the tour in sunglasses and a scarf. Classic disguise! I wonder if she learned that from B.A.P.S.
This worked for Halle Berry, right?
After getting hit with all that harsh truth, Delphine corners the tour guide in the torture attic and clobbers her with hammer. Queenie demands that Delphine let the guide go.
You knocked her out AND didn’t tip her? You’re a monster!
Poor Queenie is still convinced there’s a soul somewhere inside Delphine. She tells Delphine she could redeem herself by spending the rest of her life doing community service.
I know there’s more to you than murder and a series of great poop faces
But Delphine is in no mood for redemption. She’s learned from watching TV/the magic box that the world is full of people groveling for forgiveness and not meaning it, like Paula Deen, Anthony Weiner, et al. She says that everyone is soft and their apologies are bullshit.
Neuromancer? Only when discussing cyberpunk literature classics
The only thing Delphine feels bad about is the state of the world, and Queenie realizes that she’ll never get through to her. Can we talk about how badass Gabourey Sidibe is for a minute? She’s spent the entire season going toe-to-toe with Academy Award winning Kathy Motherfucking Bates, and she is more than holding her own. Four for you, Gabourey.
Oh Teddy, we promised we wouldn’t get sucked into Bad Girls’ Club again this season, but it’s just too good
Queenie stabs Delphine in the heart, and a horrified Delphine realizes that she is really truly dying. She says she doesn’t want to die, but Queenie tells her no one does. Delphine bleeds out and dies. RIP Delphine you will be missed by probably no one on this show.
I can’t believe I’m dying and pooping face
Back at Beauxbatons Academy for Teenage Bitches, Fiona is sitting for her Supreme portrait. She’s got some prime wall real estate picked out and everything. Myrtle has brought in Claude from London, painter to the stars, and cunnilingus partner to Myrtle. I made that last part up, because I honestly can’t tell where this show ends and my gutter mind begins anymore IT’S ALL A BLUR Y’ALL.
Please be sure to capture my zero fucks given
In the middle of the sitting, Fiona gets a nose bleed and tells us she has two weeks to live. Yeah, I’m sure it’s that and not the Kilimanjaro of coke you snorted with Papa Legba.
Either dying from hangover or from cancer
Fiona goes through her fabulous jewelry collection, and I immediately wish for a QVC show that’s just Fiona selling her jewels and telling fabulous stories about how she got them.
Adam Duritz gifted this to me after a 72 hour long 69 in Dayton, Ohio
Cordelia walks in and Fiona asks that they just be kind to each other. Cordelia is not so sure, since she spent the last two episodes with Fiona screaming “useless!” at her until she voluntarily blinded herself. Fiona also tells Cordelia that she had the power in her all along.
And you didn’t think of telling me this BEFORE I BLINDED MYSELF?
Fiona tells Cordelia it’s goodbye for real this time, but Cordy feels the truth through the necklace. Fiona is going to murder every witch in the coven just to stay alive.
Cordelia pays Axeman a visit and he legit tells her not to disturb a man while he’s playing with his instrument. Skiddely-Be-Bop-Ga-Gross-Gross.
And by instrument I mean penis. And by playing I mean playing
Before he can finish scatting in his pants, Cordelia tells him that it’s not safe to love Fiona, because she’s soulless/a major league bitch. She then shows Axeman visions of Fiona’s purse (because her powers are like an airport x-ray now?) where Fiona’s got one ticket to paradise and no ticket to Axe Country.
But I already made us reservations at Dollywood!
Sounds right up Ghost Spalding’s alley
Cordelia then says that Fiona just uses people, and she’d never stay with a shitty musician in a cheap suit. Zing! I’d say poor Axeman, but we can agree he’s the worst right? Besides, this is great fodder for a torch song.
Cordelia returns to Ho’s Warts School of Bitchcraft and Bitchery where she once again tries to commune with Misty’s dirty laundry. She finally get some images and sees Misty singing Fleetwood Mac in a coffin, because why the fuck not.
Smells like Summer’s Eve and patchouli
Cordelia and Queenie hit the cemetery and Cordelia coaches Queenie to use her powers to bust open the grave. Queenie yanks out the coffin using only her mind and they open it to find an unconscious Misty.
Talk to the hand, Some Stranger’s Desecrated Grave!
Queenie then uses some Vitalis to breathe life into Misty and she wakes with a start. Welcome back, Misty! There have been 90% less shawls and twirling in your absence!
OMG did I miss Flowers in the Attic? Please tell me you Tivoed it
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I’m the writer on the drug binge. At least that’s the way I’m feeling about my thesis, which I have about 3 weeks to write. Therefore if this season wraps up well, I’ll be super happy :)
You had me dying of lol’s at “Kilimanjaro of coke” for like ten straight minutes.
I will also never be sick of the ‘who’s at the door memes’ either.
the most important moment in all of television history.
Do me next, Misty; do me next!
I want to go to there.
Adam Duritz? How do you come up with this stuff?!
If, after everyfuckingbody else has been killed then resurrected, Fiona is not for the final episode, I am going to be mighty pissed. Like, Misty-Day-face-punching pissed. The most satisfying ending I can come up with is this: Fiona returns as a literal force of nature, Nan tucked under her arm (like Eve under God’s arm on the Sistine Chapel), wipes out the idiot girls, bug-eyed Cordy, and FrankenKyle as Myrtle plays the theremin and delivers surreal quips, Misty twirls (adding to the gale-force winds), and Queenie screams, “Die, White Bitches, Die!” while cackling madly. Then Fiona conjures back Marie, pours them both a drink, and they toast to a new life free of the mindless plotting of Brad Falchuk and Ryan Murphy.
(And then I get my season’s pass refunded by Amazon.)
Such a bummer there’s only one more episode/recap to go. My money is on Ghost Spalding making a reappearance that’s both unrealistic (duh, it’s AHS) and hilarious.
Am I the only one that laughed their ass of when Legba asked Queenie for more marshmallows?
I can’t let it go by another second. This must be said: why did they make Papa Legba look like Baron Samedi? I realize I might be the only person on the planet with the peev, but you’d think if they were filming some place where, I dunno, the New Orleans VooDoo Temple was right up the street, they could stop by and say: “Hey, does this look like Papa Legba to you?” FURY!
I hope Stevie Nicks returns in the finale, declares herself supreme, and then performs “Silver Springs” while all the witches melt.
No, I totally agree. Many people that practice voodoo/voodou are REALLY pissed about this. Papa Legba is this sweet old guy that is the gatekeeper, not some crazy creepy cokehead that steals souls.
/rant
Yes, my understanding is that he’s an intermediary between the living and the dead, not “the devil” nor a deity, as Queenie calls him. And you’re right–being right there on the scene, as it were, you’d think it would be easy to check this stuff out. But in Falchuck-Murphy land, that would probably be considered limiting to the imagination or something.
I need everybody to melt while Stevie sings Silver Springs now you mentioned it.
I laughed my ass off out loud for 15 minutes. Great stuff!
I finally caught up on the show this weekend and I can honestly say that your recaps are way better than the show itself! LOLing forever at the captions.
You absolutely have to recap another show when this one is over. I don’t even care what, you name it, I’ll watch.
And I want a Myrtle spin-off so bad.
OMG YES to the Myrtle spin-off. I don’t care what it’s about. I could watch her sassing people using obscure fashion references and playing her hideous and weird theremin all day every day.
I just binge-read all of these recaps. They’re fantastic. Four for you, Chelsea!
Also, something that has been bugging me since I first viewed this ep: What the hell is up with Marie acting all upset about having to torture Borquita? I’m pretty sure within the first few episodes we saw that she had hanged Delphine’s entire family prior to throwing her in the ground. That was really weird. I can’t decide whether this was a slip in continuity or, like, maybe it was because the Marie we saw in hell was “Marie-with-her-soul” (which I assume she sold before Delphine murdered Bastian and shit hit the fan), and her soul was like “oh no I’m a good person I can’t do that shit.” OR maybe Marie felt like the hanging of Delphine’s family was justifiable vengeance but anything beyond that was unnecessary cruelty? I’m probably way over-thinking this but, I dunno. Thoughts, anyone?
I’ll say this, we ALL think way more about this stuff than any of the writers do, for sure! They don’t seem too concerned about character continuity or making even a wee bit of sense, so your conclusions are bound to be better than theirs!
I didn’t know one got reunited with one’s soul in hell, but then I don’t believe in hell, so there’s that. Your explanation seems reasonable to me. Especially because she did a kind of double-take, as though her feelings surprised her. I’ll vote for your answer, Melanie.
I’ve reached the point where I can’t physically *watch* the show (equal parts ADHD and fiery, undying hatred for Ryan Murphy), so I listen to it while I draw/do origami/make my Sims have sex/crochet/be an utter cliche. And then I come here and see the pictures of all the stuff I was listening to along with witty and insightful commentary, and it is so much better than forcing myself to concentrate on 43 minutes of nonsensical storylines being murdered and revived in rapid succession.
Please don’t wait to post about last night’s final episode. I need to talk about Myrtle’s last word.