Meanwhile, at St. Garbage’s Adventist Hospital, Zoe and Nan discuss how the only kind of Supreme Madison can be is Supreme Cunt because of her cuntiness. Zoe says they have to stick together, and Nan promises to be a kind Supreme and 95% less cunty than Madison.
Matching the balloon to our tops/skin tones was a nice touch
They find out that Shirtless Luke died and Nan is heartbroken. She wants to go to the morgue to say goodbye, while Zoe wishes they could have one fucking field trip that didn’t include the morgue.
I mean, I’ve been here for weeks and I haven’t even gone to Jazzland yet!
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Fainting Ladies with No Fainting Couches, Fiona is revived by Marie’s rattle viper sperm incense. What is it with Marie and sperm spells, btw?
While you were unconscious I refilled all the Glade Plug-ins with jizz
Fiona tells her that no matter how much jizz she burns, it won’t stop her from dying. Marie says she’s not ready to let her die just yet, and Fiona asks her if she’s ever been in love. We see a quick flashback of Marie and Minotaur man.
He was a beast in the bedroom…and the kitchen…and the parlor room
Fiona tells Marie she’s found love in a hopeless place, and it’s the only thing keeping her going. Fiona wants the secret to Marie’s immortality, something she’s been after since episode one. Whoa, is there an actual continuing plot thread on this show? Magic!
Okay, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll start listing different kinds of semen and you just wink when I get it.
Turns out that Marie gave Delphine a vial of her tears, but if she gave it to Fiona she’d stay frozen in her dying state forever. Then we (finally!) get Marie’s immortality origin story.
After giving birth to her first child, Marie sold her soul to Papa Legba because she refused to accept death. What she didn’t realize was that Papa Legba didn’t want her soul: he wanted her baby’s innocent soul. Since then, for over 300 years, Marie has had to steal babies and give them to Papa Legba. Poor Marie. Also, poor babies.
Staying alive for the day when that outfit becomes cool. SPOILER ALERT: it’s never!
Marie tells her that if she wants him badly enough, he’ll come to her, but he comes at a price. Uh Oh. Cordelia, you in danger, girl!
Will you accept payment in uptight WASPy white witches?
We jump to a jazz funeral that second-lines down the streets of New Orleans. I love jazz funerals, and they are so macabre and New Orlinean that I’m surprised it took them ten episodes to feature one. Madison and Misty bring up the rear of the procession, enjoying some meat on a stick.
I’m starting to think this isn’t the Port-a-Potty line for Jazz Fest
Madison is wearing a Norma Desmond turban and Misty stole Papa Legba’s top hat. Madison fucking loves hats, you guys.
What do you think Whoopi left out in the “…” in that review?
Madison tells Misty that, as Supreme, everyone will be out to play her and want shit from her.
Look, you may be socially retarded and weird, but you’re still my friend, ok?
Misty doesn’t buy Madison’s bullshit and tells her she’s not as dumb as she looks.
Granted, I look pretty dumb in this hat
They walk into the cemetery, where Misty enchants some grave diggers and Madison opens the casket and revives the corpse, because apparently every fucking witch got mind control powers during hiatus!
But I thought only Misty could revive the dead… you know what, fuck it, I’ll just go with it I guess
Madison tells Misty that she wants to be her friend, which on this show means she’s about to murder her. Madison tells her to stop being a Stevie knock-off and be a Misty original and convinces her to drop Stevie Fucking Nicks’s shawl into the empty casket.
Trash it or at least wash it bc it smells fucking gross
Misty is about to drop it when Madison clubs her in the head with a fucking brick. Misty falls into the casket like a sack of potatoes if potato sacks shopped at Anthropologie and Madison tells the diggers to bury her in the above-ground crypt.
I like that Madison can control people with her mind but still resorts to a fucking brick to the head
Don’t worry guys, Misty will be fine. The exact same thing happened to Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy and she broke out of that thing in like, 20 minutes.
Did you know that Ashley Judd played a prisoner in Double Jeopardy? Do you want to see some pics? No? Too bad, I’m putting them up anyway!
Ashley Judd wearing mom khakis and keds behind bars because she’s too white to function
Ashley Judd taking orders from Red in the kitchen
Ashley Judd pretending to be Sophia
Ashley Judd is the New Black! I fucking love that movie.
ANYWAYS, Madison takes the Stevie Fucking Nicks shawl and twirls away. What a dick move.
Can’t wait to tie up Zoe with this shawl later!
Zoe and Nan go to visit Patti LuPone in the hopes of finding out where his body is buried so they can revive him/sew rape limbs to him/make a FrankenLuke so FrankenKyle won’t be so lonely.
We want to desecrate your son’s corpse, but we brought cupcakes sooo…
But they’re too late because Patti had him cremated and he’s on the mantle now. Nan freaks out and knows that Patti killed her son. She uses her mind control powers to subdue Patti and force her to drink a bottle of bleach, killing her. RIP Patti, I wish you got to sing more.
Fingerbang Powers Activate!
Zoe tries to stop her, but Nan flings her across the room with her mind. Guess Zoe was the only witch who didn’t get mind control powers. Oh well, she can warm the bench with Cordelia.
The most roundabout way to bleach your anus
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Potions Room, Cordelia is depressed while Myrtle plays the theremin. The fucking theremin!!! Of fucking course she is. I can’t get enough Myrtle. She NEEDS a spin-off show so fucking badly. Cordelia is not into it.
Don’t hate the theremin player, hate the theremin game
Cordelia complains about being a shitty witch, and Myrtle tells her she could always pursue other career paths. Myrtle’s suggestions are: salad dressing inventor or cruise ship hostess. Wait, is that Myrtle or is that my high school guidance counselor?
Everyone has mind control powers but me and it’s NOT FAIR!
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening, that brownie just kicked in
Myrtle tells her that there aren’t a lot of options when your mom is Hillary Clinton (which is nuts because Chelsea is hella accomplished in her own right) and that she didn’t feel special either. This is a pretty crappy pep talk, so Cordelia starts smashing pots while Myrtle plays on. If she duets on the theremin with Stevie Fucking Nicks I will go insane.
At Delphi Trust, stocks are plummeting. Menard aka Hank’s dad suspects it’s the witches and wants to retaliate. This is all time that could be better spent with Delphine’s severed heard. Where is that head at?!
Fiona cuts some lines of coke and summons Papa Legba, because Papa Legba is apparently a guy in a business fraternity or something. Papa Legba appears and enjoys the coke, because Fiona only gets the good shit.
The joke’s on him, it’s just Splenda
They start talking business: Fiona wants eternal life/no aging/those legs forever. In exchange, he gets an innocent soul from her every year. Papa Legba asks Fiona if she would cripple her own daughter, and Fiona practically whips out a baseball bat and calls for Cordelia.
Cocaine and terrible clothes! The 80’s are back!
Fiona is on board with everything Papa Legba asks of her: murdering babies? YUP YUP YUP. Murdering loved ones? Been there, done that! Stealing souls? Bitch, I call that a Tuesday!
So you don’t mind harvesting innocent souls?
Let me be clear: I’m an awful human being
They try to seal the deal with a kiss, but Papa Legba tells her the deal is off. Turns out that since Fiona has no soul, she has nothing to offer! Whomp Whomp Whomp. Better luck next time, bitch!
It’s all cool, baby. We just need some more cocaine and Coltrane!
Axeman appears and tells her not to worry. They’ll just have to find the rising Supreme and kill her off. But Fiona is out of time and out of patience. Why guess at the next supreme when they can just kill all the twitches? Problem solved!
Zoe and Nan are hanging out post-Patti murder, when Nan hears a voice. She follows the sound to find the baby that Marie kidnapped hidden in Marie’s closet.
You can’t have that baby, I already called dibs!
Marie catches her and demands she return the baby, but Nan tells her to eat shit and threatens to kill her with her mind. Fiona tells Nan to return the baby or she’ll make her kill it, and Nan gives in, what with having a soul and all.
Look, we’ll split it in half and then everybody gets some baby, okay?
Fiona and Marie agree that Nan is a problem. Fiona tells Marie that she couldn’t make a deal with Papa, and Marie is hesitant to give up the baby. What’s a witch to do?
Drown Nan in the tub, obvs.
I can’t leave you two alone for a minute!
Yes, we’re murdering an innocent, but we’re doing it together. It’s called progress.
Where the fuck is everyone else while they are loudly drowning Nan?! Cordelia? Myrtle? Ghost Spalding? This school just gets more and more negligent.
Papa Legba tells them he doesn’t accept substitutions, but they assure him that Nan was like, 95% innocent/Patti had it coming, and beg Papa to stop busting their balls.
Ebony and ivory, kill together in perfect harmony
He relents and takes Ghost Nan with him. Nan is pretty okay with dying, as it’s infinitely better than staying at this useless school.
Peace out bitches, I’m gonna bang Luke in the afterlife!
So long, Nan. You were awesome.
Fiona wanders downstairs to find Stevie Fucking Nicks still playing at the piano. How long has she been there? Is she allowed to go on break? Did she even get to change her shawl?
Do you know any ABBA? I could really use some Mamma Mia right about now
As Stevie Fucking Nicks sings, Fiona relaxes on the couch and cries. Such is the power of Stevie Fucking Nicks.
Just like the one wing dove, murders all her daughter’s students
NEXT WEEK: Nan gets buried! Witches plot to kill each other! Misty gets her shawl back!
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Fucking hilarious :)!
As usual
Chelsea is doing a stellar job with these recaps
I feel all the witches will end up killing each other before Delphi Trust arrives on their doorstep.
seriously the whole time all this shit is going down, blowing rails with papa legba, drowning nan in the bathtub, stevie nicks is just downstairs playing the piano?
i am really disappointed nobody on the internet has made a gif of angela bassett saying “ooOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOO, he HATED your ass.”
I want to know this: Didn’t the police notice a talking, weeping, TV-watching Head of Kathy Bates sitting on the table, listening to gospel music in the Salon of Vengeance? Actually, I want to know a lot of other things, but I don’t expect this show to tell me any of them.
If my future wife #…, Misty doesn’t come back…So help me, God.
Nan was so badass. I was convinced she was the next supreme and this how it ends? In a bathtub?
Luckily Marie is so stinking good looking I’ll forgive her for anything at this point. :P
I can’t help but think that if Misty has the power of regeneration that maybe she can’t be permanently killed…at least by conventional means. Maybe? I hope so.
Nan is priceless.
I thought I was ready for Stevie. I was not ready for Stevie.
RyMurph, how can I quit you when you keep giving me these tasty treats?
Sniiiiiff, I want Misty to nuzzle me back to life. Also to kick Madison’s ass.
Dont hate the theremin player, hate the theremin game. Lmao. One of a thousand things I could quote.
I will, as of this point, read anything you write Chelsea. Anything.if at the least only to repay you for all of these recap masterpieces. Sign up for a book deal and write a 300 page preface to a book about sea cucumbers mating, and I’ve got that shit preordered on amazon.com. You deserve some sort of lifetime achievement award.
So, does Stevie have powers that bless Fiona with a soul through song? Can one cry and be emotional when being soulless? Why am I trying to make sense of this show?
At this point I’m almost rooting for the witch hunters. Since Nan and (possibly) Misty are now dead, Cordelia seems to be the only character left who isn’t completely evil. On this show that probably means she isn’t going to last much longer.
My favorite thing about this episode:
When Marie and Fiona are casting the spell together on the Delphi trust, And Cordelia wants to help and Fiona screams her fucking head off at her own daughter, there’s this look of dawning comprehension on Marie’s face. And it is the look of a woman who is realizing only too late that she didn’t have to hire a witch hunter to destroy her arch enemies. This coven is four dead witches away from total self-annihilation, and they’re killing, like, two a week. So really, all she ever had to do was sit back and watch her her enemies collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
“like flan in a cupboard” You are fucking perfection!