Welcome to the sixth episode of American Horror Story, where I come face to face with my greatest fear: bad New Orleans accents!

We open in 1919, where a man sits behind a typewriter and confesses in voiceover that he is the Axeman. For those of you who don’t know, the Axeman was a notorious real life serial killer that ax murdered several people in New Orleans.

He describes himself as a “demon from the hottest hell,” which is accurate for anyone who has ever been in New Orleans in July. The Axeman carries his axe in a saxophone case… but wait a minute, don’t they call guitars axes? I might be wrong; everything I know about rock bands I gleaned from Josie and the Pussycats.

The Axeman, like all serial killers, enjoys long walks on the beach, sending taunting letters to the police and collecting newspaper clippings of his murders. You know, murdery sorta stuff.

We hop on over to Miss Robichaux’s School for Latent Sexual Longing, where the witches are all in a tizzy. They’ve just read that the Axeman is out for blood tonight, but he’ll spare the homes of anyone playing jazz music. Personally, I’d rather get an axe to the face than listen to jazz, but that’s just me.

While the witches suggest busting out the Victrola, the phonographs, and the piano forte, their Supreme, Millie, shuts them down. Guess someone else hates jazz as much as I do! BTW Millie is played by Grace Gummer, Meryl Streep’s daughter. From here on out, I’ll be calling her Baby Streep.

Baby Streep balks at playing jazz just to please some psycho. Women are about to get the right to vote, the tide is changing, and it’s time to shut this murdering shit down once and for all!

The Axeman walks down the street listening to the sounds of jazz coming from every house. He balks when he hears opera coming from Miss Robichaux’s.

Axeman walks into the school and approaches Baby Streep, who is playing with tarot cards.

Before he can axe her, Baby Streep stabs him in the chest. All the witches descend on the Axeman and stab the crap out of him.They are also all wearing black robes, because group activities are always more fun with matching outfits.

Back in present day, Zoe goes through Madison’s belongings, including a tabloid spread with the words “I do what I want!” Where have I seen this before?

Zoe tries on her sunglasses, smells her perfume, steals her underwear, and finds a teeny tiny gun.

She also finds a teeny tiny bottle of vodka, which rolls onto the floor and into the closet. Zoe chases after the vodka; it’s called priorities, people.

Inside the closet, Zoe discovers a secret hiding place filled with feelings, dental dams, old photos, and a Ouija board.

Zoe shows the photos to Queenie and Nan, and rightfully asks the question: where did all the fucking witches go? Apparently there used to be more than three students in this school, and Hogwarts hasn’t opened an American program, so what the hell happened?

Zoe takes charge, because that’s what she’s all about now, and says that they have to find Madison. She busts out a bottle of absinthe, because booze always helps people find what they’re looking for… if that thing is an unsatisfying sexual experience and a headache. Thanks, alcohol!

The twitches bust out the spirit board and use a shot glass to contact the ghostly realm. The only thing I’ve ever contacted with a shot glass was all of my exes, but whatever.

Queenie is hesitant to mess with the board; her grandma once released a spirit and the spirit burned her house down. So you know, fuck spirits.

Someone starts communicating with the twitches through the spirit board. It’s someone who was murdered in the house, which narrows it down to about five hundred people. JK, it’s the Axeman. Queenie breaks the shot glass before they release any more murderers.

Meanwhile, Fiona is in the hospital receiving chemo.

Turns out, chemo gives her mind reading abilities, and she hears the thoughts and worries of the other patients. Fiona, in no mood for this, rips out her IV and goes to leave.

The doctors convince Fiona to stay, and she admits that the only reason she’s going through chemo is to stay alive to help Cordelia. Fiona also wishes for one last great love affair before she goes. Hey girl, Spalding is still single.

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Teen Sleuths, Zoe finds out all about the history of the Axeman from the internet. She also tells us that a sax is also referred to as an axe. The more you know!

Nan and Queenie read in the old witch diaries about the Axeman’s murder. Apparently his soul is stuck in the house, and he wants to use Zoe to get released. Zoe is convinced he knows where Madison is, because all ghosts know all other ghosts, right?

Queenie and Nan are NOT on board with this plan, so Zoe goes ahead without them.

Zoe asks the spirit board for Madison’s location. She offers him release in exchange for the info, which… GROSS. She says “release” like, ten times in a creepy sexy voice and it’s upsetting.

The Axeman spells out “attic” on the board, and Zoe climbs into the attic. She finds Spalding’s creepy doll house tea party setup, and dead body smell.

She opens the trunk to find Madison’s decaying body, and Spalding covers her mouth before she can scream! I legitimately screamed at this scene and then felt immediately embarrassed.

Cordelia is brought home by Fiona and Hank, and she’s outfitted with some sunglasses and a cane. She’s also wearing black now, bc symbolism.

Cordelia is furious with Hank, as every time she touches him she gets flashes of him banging that redhead. She demands an end to the bullshit— someone lost her sight but gained some backbone.

Cordelia kicks him out, and Fiona calls him Jughead, which is hilarious.

Since being blinded, Cordelia has been given the sight (which I guess is what we are calling her powers now). Fiona tells her it’s the greatest gift to have, but the hardest one to live with. So it’s like magical herpes?

Fiona tries to help Cordelia undress, but her touch causes Cordelia to live through Myrtle’s burning. Cordelia is heartbroken. This show really loves putting Sarah Paulson through the ringer. I hear that next season they’re going to shoot out her kneecaps and give her a dairy allergy.

Fiona decides to leave Cordelia alone, but she’ll send Delphine to check on her. Great plan, because Cordelia will certainly not have any traumatic visions touching a racist 200 year old mass murderer and torturer.

As Fiona gets the fuck out of there, the twitches interrogate Spalding. Nan uses her mind reading skills to translate for him.

I bet you’re wondering how Zoe managed to escape his clutches? She knocked him out with a porcelain doll! You guys, only on this show are Madam Alexander dolls used as weapons!

They put a metal spatula on a hot plate and burn Spalding for information. He tells them that he killed Madison for creepy sex reasons, which jives with his whole doll house creepy aesthetic. He also says they can’t do shit to him, because… I don’t know why. Maybe he has butler tenure?

Queenie is ready to kill him, but Zoe senses that he’s lying. Instead, Queenie spatula burns her own face, thus burning Spalding’s. I mean, he’s sitting right there Queenie. Just burn him directly. No one likes a show-off.

Meanwhile, down at the Fleetwood Shack (zing!), Misty Day gardens and waters her plants like the boho earth mother she is. She also waters Myrtle’s burnt body, which is nice of her.

FrankenKyle stumbles over to Misty. Hi FrankenKyle! I forgot you were on this show. Misty takes a look at his bloody appearance and decides to give him a bath.

Misty washes FrankenKyle in a giant metal basin. Unfortunately, this triggers traumatic flashbacks of his mother washing/molesting him, so FrankenKyle starts freaking out. He goes on a bare-assed rampage and starts breaking things. Worst of all, he breaks the tape deck!

Just then, Zoe shows up. Misty is officially over it, as FrankenKyle killed Stevie. Someone get this girl an iTunes account! Zoe brings them both back to school with her.

Meanwhile, Hank shows up at Marie Laveau’s beauty shop. They are in cahoots! They cahooted! I don’t care.

Back at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Magically Irresponsible Youngsters, Zoe chains up Frankenkyle to the wall. Misty says they belong together, but Zoe seems totally over him. Frankly, she has bigger fish to fry.

Zoe asks Misty to revive Madison, but Misty tells her Madison is too dead to function. Plus, she’s missing an arm. Zoe is all, “I got the arm, we’ll just slap this shit back on, no problem!”

Misty tries to revive Madison, which in this case involves nuzzling her. I wish Misty Day would nuzzle me back to life. Misty says that there is too much death inside her body, and makes Zoe push on her stomach to get it out/make her pee herself.

Madison coughs up some garbage/a roach, and she’s revived! Welcome back, Emma Roberts! Madison’s alive and she needs a cigarette.

Meanwhile, back at the beauty shop, Hank accuses Marie of blinding Cordelia. Marie tells him if she wanted that bitch blind, she could do it in her sleep. Turns out, Hank is a professional witch hunter who Marie hired six years ago to systematically take out the Salem witches.

Why does Marie need to hire a witch hunter? Can’t she just kill those witches herself? I mean, witches are dropping like flies on this show. It can’t be that hard.

We get a flashback of dead redhead Kaylee being interviewed at the school by Cordelia. Turns out, Kaylee is a witch!

We know this because, in a flash-flashback, we see her set her boyfriend on fire when he dumps her. Good to see that this show is meeting its weekly quota of burning people alive.

Cordelia tries to recruit her to enroll in Miss Robichaux’s, but Kaylee is not interested. She wants a normal life. When Cordelia asks her how she plans to control her firepower (see what I did there?) Kaylee assures her she has a plan. She literally says, “I work out and I play fantasy football.”

FANTASY FOOTBALL KEEPS PYROKENISIS IN CHECK, YOU GUYS. I am learning so much from this show.

Meanwhile, Hank listens in the hallway and plots his murder/updates his team picks.

Turns out, Hank married Cordelia to have access to her witch locating skills, and he’s been killing them ever since. Marie is not impressed. She says this (just fyi, it takes all my will power not to just transcribe all of Angela Bassett’s dialogue every week. It’s just that good.)

Marie: “When I plant a fat ass cracker bitch I expect her to stay planted! Not come back up like a damn ragweed!”

Marie is still pissed about the minotaur murder, and demands that Hank kill all the witches, bring her their heads, and burn that place to the ground.

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School Where No One Teaches Ever, Misty is raiding the fridge. Resurrecting a celebrity can really give you the munchies.

Zoe invites her to stay with them, but Misty is not interested. She wanted to find her tribe, but it is not in the school.

Misty gets major bad vibes from the house, plus she’s got a witch growing in her backyard, so she’s out. She also says there’s something foul in the house…just the one thing? Try finding something normal in this house, Misty.

Meanwhile, Cordelia is feeling around in her room, because no one has checked on her in like, six hours. She finds some pills in the bedside drawer, which are probably Fiona’s. I just assume Fiona has stashed pills in every drawer/cubby/mason jar in the house.

Cordelia takes off her shirt, pops some pills, and goes fumbling for some Fleetwood Mac. But she’s not alone. The Axeman is there!

Madison is coming around, what from being dead and all. The twitches question her and make sure she isn’t a dented can like FrankenKyle. Madison remembers her name, her job, and her Teen Choice awards, so she’s gonna be fine.

Zoe gives her some ginger ale, because curing a dead person is just like curing indigestion. They ask Madison if she knows who killed her, but she remembers nothing.

Meanwhile, Cordelia is being terrorized by the spirit of the Axeman. He wants to be released (ew) like Zoe promised him. He turns up the jazz and forces Cordelia to listen to it.

The twitches hear the sinister sounds of a smooth sax, and realize that the Axeman has Cordelia.They quickly decide to release him (wait, why?) to save Cordelia.

Zoe uses her rising supreme powers to find the right spell from a shelf full of spells (she truly is the chosen one!) and they recite the spell together.

Meanwhile, the Axeman chases Cordelia around the bedroom, and she trips over all the furniture bc blindness. Also, if he’s a spirit, can he even hurt her? And wouldn’t bringing him back to life make it easier for him to kill them all?

The twitches complete the spell and save Cordelia (yay!) but release the Axeman (oops). Two steps forward, one giant murdery step back.

Meanwhile, Fiona is drowning her sorrows at a bar and feeling like a bad mother. Considering her only child is stuck under a desk in her underwear and almost got axe murdered, she’s not wrong.

A handsome stranger takes the seat beside her and starts flirting. Is it FrankenKyle? Is it Misty Day? Is it a headless minotaur?

It’s the Axeman! Yoinks. This will turn out well for everyone involved.

NEXT TIME on American Horror Story: Cordelia searches for the staircase! Queenie meets up with Marie! Fiona gets too drunk to buy those gloves!

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