Spencer Hastings does this all the time, how hard can it be?
Madison wants to thank Zoe for vag-killing that guy in the hospital, so she decides they are going to resurrect Kyle! I would have just given her a thank you card, but whatevs.
We’ll resurrect your boyfriend and then get froyo.
But you promised me Pinkberry.
The girls enter a room of bloodied body parts. Turns out the bus crash acted like a giant Cuisinart, and there are boy parts scattered everywhere.
Gross Gross Gross
Gross! He has a mullet.
They find Kyle’s head, but not much else of him. It’s Gross Town USA. Zoe is ready to puke, but Madison sees the glass of dismembered body parts half full. They can use all the different parts lying around to Frankenstein together the perfect boy! Did she forget that most of the parts belong to her rapists? Did she never see Practical Magic? This is not going to end well.
You put the lime in the coconut in the rapist, and you shake it all up!
Meanwhile, Cordelia getting an ultrasound with her husband Hank. Where did he come from?
Just a little lower…
Apparently they’ve been trying to get pregnant with doctor magic aka medicine, but it’s not working. Hank wants her to abracadabra a baby already, but Cordelia’s hesitant to tangle with such dark life and death style magic.
What’s the worst that could happen?
You’ve obviously never seen this show before
Are there seriously no lesbian witches on this show? Way to leave out the ONE stereotype I wanna see!
Upstairs, Fiona brings LaLaurie some fried chicken, hoping to get the secret of immortality.
start talking or the chicken gets it!
We flashback to LaLaurie getting poisoned by Laveau. She wakes up with a wicked headache, and goes outside to see Laveau and a mob of slaves with fire and pitchforks.
Not a flash mob.
LaLaurie tries to taunt them, but is destroyed when she sees that Laveau has lynched her entire family. So long hot slutty daughter, we barely knew ye.
And you’ll never find out what happens on Homeland!
Laveau then curses her to be buried alive forever, damned to suffer alone for eternity. They box that bitch up and bury her.
Flash forward. Fiona eats a drumstick and offers some half-hearted sympathy. There’s no problem fried chicken can’t solve, you guys.
Nom nom nom
Back at the morgue, the girls furiously sew a new body for Kyle. I hope they use the Piper Lime accessory wall thoughtfully.
That’s some good herb
This shit just kicked in.
They start the spell, which involves shouting in Latin, blood sacrifice, and inhaling smoke from a bowl. I’m all for smoking, but this is no time to get high, ladies.
It was schwag! Whyyyyy!
The spell ends, and nothing happens. Whomp Whomp, witch fail.
I’m more of a civil ceremony kinda girl
Madison goes outside to smoke a doob while Zoe says a tearful goodbye to Kyle’s desecrated corpse. A car pulls up and Madison cheeses it outta there, leaving Zoe behind. Zoe kisses Kyle’s dead lips goodbye, when she’s busted by the morgue employee, who is obviously not paid enough to death with this shit.
Tastes like cheap weed
Before he can call the cops, FrankenKyle comes alive and attacks him. He’s alive!
FrankenKyle attack!
Down in the Ninth Ward, Fiona is getting her hair did. Why? Because this shop belongs to Marie Laveau, who is alive and rocking braids and leopard print turtleneck! Guess someone else sipped the immortality potion.
This is how you fierce
What’s happening with the other two witches at the school? Nan is distracted by LaLaurie’s loud thoughts and unties her.
Get out now, you loud thinking bitch!
Queenie sees this shit go down but before she can stop it, LaLaurie calls her a slave and clubs her with a candelabra.
It was the racist, in the bedroom, with the candlestick
Back to the beauty shop with Fiona and Marie. Fiona makes a “black don’t crack” joke about Marie, which is admittedly funny because she’s 200 years old and still looks fierce. Marie fires back that Fiona wipes her ass with diamonds (ouch!) and demands to know what she wants.
I want bangs that I don’t have to style, why is that so hard?
Turns out, there’s been a witch race war a brewin’ since the days of Tituba. The different tribes have been battling for centuries, and Marie accuses white witches of stealing magic from African shamans. Apparently Tituba shared these secrets with the Salem girls, who then turned on her. Fiona insults her, which is not a smart thing to do considering Marie is holding a straightening iron so close to her face.
Not the money maker!
Fiona wants some of Marie’s five hour immortality drink, but Marie refuses. She wouldn’t share it if Fiona offered her a unicorn that shits hundies. This is not a joke, Angela Bassett says this and it’s amazing.
Okay, what about a narwhal that poops emeralds?
And she has a point: why would Marie want LaLaurie? She can’t kill her. Wouldn’t she just re-bury her? Nice try Fiona. Fiona leaves, but not before lighting some wigs on fire. Witches out!
Not the wigs!
Back in the green house, Cordelia is putting together a spell to make a magic baby.
Let’s go do it hetero-style!
She has freaky sex with her husband in a ring of fire.
This time you pretend to be Tara, and I’ll pretend to be Willow
Snakes hatch from eggs and crawl on them. They stab each other in the chest with needles. You know, typical married sex.
Back at the morgue, Zoe steals the morgue guy’s car and drives off with FrankenKyle, who is understandably freaking the fuck out.
But you love taking the freeway!
Suddenly, Misty Day pops up from the backseat like she’s in a ghost story or something. Boo!
The witch is calling from inside the car
Misty takes them to the gator shack, cranks up the Fleetwood, and starts slapping mud on FrankenKyle’s wounds.
Don’t worry, you get used to the smell
She tells Zoe that Louisiana swamp mud has healing properties what with the Spanish moss and the alligator poops. It even healed her when she was burned alive! Guys, I’m not a medical doctor, but DON’T SMEAR SWAMP MUD ON YOUR OPEN WOUNDS. You have been warned.
It’s so lonely on this twin bed. Why don’t you join me?
Turns out Misty felt Zoe’s magic calling to her (hey girl hey) and invites her to sit beside her on a bed and deconstruct Fleetwood Mac lyrics.
You should know, my vagina is a killer
And I can’t die! Bring that killer vag over here!
If I had a dime for every time this happened to me, I’d have a lot of dimes, y’all. Zoe, who would rather make out with a muddy monster man than the gorgeous Lily Rabe, has to go back to school, but promises to come visit them.
Now kiss
In the meantime, Misty will take care of FrankenKyle and play the Rumors album on a loop.
Straight girl problems
Marie Laveau is in the beauty shop, talking to her chained up Minotaur man. So she can give him immortality but still can’t take the fucking bull head off? Okay, fine, whatever.
bull in a beauty shop
In the streets of NOLA, Fiona finds LaLaurie sitting on a bench. Turns out being stuck in a box for 200 years and finding out your home is now a spooky museum is a total bummer.
We’ll get you some heels, a black dress, and you’ll fit right in
Fiona rightly tells her she deserves it, but LaLaurie is still heartbroken over the death her daughters…even the ugly one. She for real says this.
My daughter has the cheek bones of a Grecian statue, so I can’t relate. But kids, am I right?
Also, she was gonna kill her husband anyway, so no big. She asks Fiona if she can kill her, Fiona will check her schedule. She brings LaLaurie back home and they walk the empty streets together.
this is the beginning of beautiful friendship…of murder
Next time on AHS: LaLaurie is the new maid! Madison wants to fuck the neighbor! Patti Lupone!
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Zoe is so tedious.
Also, trust Ryan Murphy to bring us the Murder Vagina as a magical power. Cos they’re totally gross and freaky, amirite? And female sexuality is evil. Eugh, that’ll do misogynist, that’ll do. Fortunately he’s so busy with his narratives of victim blaming police officers he hopefully wont have time to return to MurderVag for a bit.
Also, don’t you love how both role model figures are caught up in using their badass ancient powers for two things: making babies and stayin pretty. Cos you know us gals, we’re all just reading straight from the pages of Cosmo’s latest special “10 ways to use magic to please your man”.
Ahaha!
This recap was amazing – literally had me snickering out loud to myself.
I’ve never read a recap that wasn’t Lizz or Riese’s – and now you’re right up there with my favorite AS funny ladies! Glad I came across this :)
If Misty isn’t a lady-loving witch, I don’t know what I’ll do.
But she looked about one sweet-lady-kiss away from dragging Brad the piano man into that shack and singing Songbird to Zoe.
Let’s cross our fingers or, like, marry Satan or whatever and pray that she is! <3
Considering that both Zoe and Madison married Satan, are they also married to each other?
And Would it be cheating on Satan if Zoe and Misty made out? Bold move to cheat on Lucifer, takes some guts…
Well, Lily Rabe did basically play Satan last season, so I’m crossing my fingers that it happens ;)
“AND I’M ALL OUT OF LOLLIPOPS” I nearly spit out all my cereal when I read that I was laughing so hard.
Most perfect caption. EVER!
First of all: Recap gold! Chelsea you knocked it out of the park, amazing job.
Now, about the plot. I don’t think Fiona was offering to trade LaLaurie for the recipe for immortality, she was gonna give Marie Laveau the heir to Tituba, Queenie. At least that would give gabourey sidibe something to do…
AQ2BNWRT But I’m a Cheerleader reference? You are my favorite, Chelsea. I’ve been eagerly awaiting this second recap and it definitely did not disappoint!
Oh god, my kitten stepped on my keyboard! That should have said just said A not AQ2BNWRT :P
He thinks he owns the place, walkin’ all over everything… But he’s so cute! *sigh*
This… this was amazing.
In the grand tradition of AS recaps (like Real L Word) I have zero interest in watching the show but I am soooo into the recaps. Pure gold.
I can’t believe how invested I am in this show (and these recaps) after only two episodes.
There isn’t much more to say… Because you’ve already said it all.
Forever laughing at the biscuits caption.
These recaps are golden.
I didn’t think it was possible, but this show has completely broken my WTF meter.
“NOT THE WIGS!” – Forever laughing.
I had to live in a town with no popeye’s for 3 months one time and it was more horrifying than this show. “FUCK YOU I WANTED BISCUITS ANYWAY!” – extra perfect
Sorry to go off topic but what exactly are biscuits? When I say biscuits I mean cookies and I’m aware it is something else entirely in this context, but I have no idea what.
biscuits in american english are kinda like a starchy delicious version of scones, buttered and served any old time of day
Biscuits are a grandma staple. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/southern-biscuits-recipe/index.html
“I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would appreciate these accusations.” Omg. This is the best one.
This recap just cements the fact that I will not be watching AHS: Coven but instead vicariously viewing through your recaps, Chelsea. Your captions had me cackling (like a witch?) I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEXT RECAP!
I don’t get any feels from Emma Roberts generally, but I projected sexual tension when she was talking to Cordelia in her undies and so I totes ran with that in my mind and I regret nothing.
Lots of social commentary going on in the salon scene. Not sure if it stood out to me because I am black… of course that’s why.
I may be in the minority here, but I actually found the sex scene in the ring of fire kind of hot. Like when her eyes went black I assumed she was about to ya know… and so that was cool.
Poor Precious can’t win. Always the fried chicken, always. And then Kathy Bates was freed and knocked out the first black person she saw. I laughed, but still very effed up.
Also Misty is totes a sapphic Goddess. I sense it.
“AND I CAN’T DIE! BRING THAT KILLER VAG OVER HERE!”
Hilarious.
“And I can’t die! Bring that killer vag over here!”
You know, I had the EXACT same thought when watching this scene unfold. UST out the wazoo . . .