It’s that time of year again. When the cloven-hooved infants scurry around the basement and the mutant people come out to play. The third season of FX’s horror series American Horror Story premiered last week, and I could not be more excited to be recapping this show. Why, you may ask? Because:
It so is.
How do I even begin to describe the rampant batshittery that is American Horror Story? It’s as if Stefon from SNL took a break from clubbing and created a late night premium cable series. Seriously, this show has everything: demon babies, mutants, Nazi doctors, Jessica Lange singing “The Name Game.” Dylan McDermott crying while masturbating (or as I call it, masturbating like normal. Is that bad?)
Yeah, that’s bad
This season is titled Coven and it takes place in my hometown of New Orleans. I can only assume it will look something like this:
Surprisingly accurate
So go out to your local Halloween store, buy a plastic, overpriced witch hat, and prepare to hold the fuck onto it!
We open in 1834, at a grand party at the mansion of Madame LaLaurie (played by the always amazing Kathy Bates). Madame LaLaurie is trying to entertain suitors for her daughters, but one daughter is more interested in making sexy eyes at a servant.
you know what they say about girls with big sleeves…
The servant is definitely not into it. We’ve all been there, am I right ladies?
We then move on to LaLaurie’s bedroom where we witness her night-time ritual of putting on some Neutrogena hand cream, a pair of cotton gloves, and the Colbert Report. Just kidding, she’s painting her face in the blood of servants as a beauty regimen.
This is the last time I join a sorority at clown college.
Her ritual is interrupted by the sexy eyes daughter, who is caught trying to force herself onto the servant. TRIGGER WARNINGS: This is the first of multiple sexual assaults in this episode – all different, all extremely disturbing.
Madame LaLaurie is not thrilled, and blames everything on the servant. She then drags him up to her attic of horrors. Turns out, Madame LaLaurie is a serial torturer and killer with an attic full of caged and mutilated black men. It is terrifying and upsetting. LaLaurie has a child bring her a severed bull’s head (because those are just lying around New Orleans) and places it on top of the poor servant.
Gross
OPENING CREDITS. Holy crap, the credits haven’t even started yet. There is SO much upsetting racist content. Is this exploitative? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say yes, this is racist and dealing with the actual torture of actual slaves for shock value. I’m gonna need a drink, you guys.
Vogue September Hate Issue
This season, the opening credits feature Klansmen in white AND black hoods (which I assume are funeral hoods. I’m not up on the latest in Klan fashion), mouths sewn shut and a floating Jessica Lange. They use the same theme song every season, which sounds like the background music of a ghost porno.
Spooky cut to that classic horror staple: a cute, straight, white teen couple about to bang. You might recognize the girl as Violet (Taissa Farmiga), the daughter from AHS: Murder House. SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON ONE: it’s a house that straight up murders people.
Here she plays Zoe Benson, a girl about to swipe her v-card when the strangest thing starts happening: her boyfriend gets a nose bleed and goes into a seizure. I liked this scene better when Anna Paquin did it in X-Men.
Cut to Zoe on a train, where we hear her angsty teenage post-traumatic voice-over tell us she’s a witch. Again, I liked this scene more when Julia Stiles did it in Save The Last Dance.
I’m never dancing/using my witch vagina again.
Turns out, killing your boyfriend with your witch vagina is a major faux pas, and Zoe is being shipped off to New Orleans to go to a witch boarding school that is definitely not Hogwarts. It is also definitely not Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. She’s being chaperoned by a group of six to eight albino black men and Frances Conroy aka Ruth Fisher, who is dressed like a grown-up Luna Lovegood.
Is it weird that I kind of want this outfit?
Just farted.
Zoe is dropped off at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies and is promptly deserted by her arguably offensive handlers.
This episode has more fish eyes than the entire ocean
Change your lens already!
She walks around the empty academy, seemingly unaware of the weirdos in Venetian carnival masks. I think we can all agree that Venetian carnival masks are the creepiest masks, right? Or do I just feel that way because as a child I accidentally watched Eyes Wide Shut?
The password is Fidelio
Suddenly, the masked weirdos attack Zoe and one of them straddles her on a table. She takes off her mask, revealing herself to be… Emma Roberts!
On Wednesdays, we wear creepy masks
She introduces her two accomplices, Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe!) and Nan.
If you break any of these rules, you can’t sit with us
And you have to eat in the kitchen with the creepy butler.
Zoe then meets headmistress Cordelia Foxx, played by Sarah Paulson aka Lana Banana Winters aka Cheekbones for Days. Cordelia informs her that Miss Robichaux’s is a safe haven for young witches, where they can learn to hone their powers and hide themselves from the general public. She says that witches are a dying breed, BOTP and such.
And that’s why you always use extra lube. Any questions?
She also explains that in every generation, a slayer is born. One to stand against the… whoops, wrong show. Every generation has a super witch, called the Supreme. If Diana Ross doesn’t cameo in this series, it will be a pun sorely wasted.
Just loan the butler some of your conditioner and he’ll leave you alone
We then get the story of a witch named Misty Day, who had the power to resurrect the dead. Unfortunately, people freaked the fuck out about it, and burned her alive. Because of this, Cordelia thinks it’s all the more important for the teen witches to conceal their powers.
Jessica Lange is back and thank Goddess, because this show would be garbage without her. I mean, even more garbage-y without her. It’s still pretty bad. This season she’s Fiona the supreme witch, and she looks amazing. She is also on a quest for eternal youth/immortality, which means she obviously hasn’t looked in a mirror and beheld her own magnificence.
There’s some boring stuff with lab monkeys and rejuvenation serum, but I can’t be bothered to care because the next scene is Fiona rocking out to “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” by Iron Butterfly and it’s pretty much the best thing ever. Fiona swans around smoking, snorting coke, and dancing into some curtains like a drunk mom at a Fleetwood Mac show.
I can’t believe I’m doing another season of this show!
The mirror has drunk faces.
Oh, she also kisses a doctor and sucks the life out of him like a Dementor. It’s non-consensual.
It’s dinner time at the academy! Here we get the rundown on all the girls’ superpowers, because apparently being a witch means having one specific witchy skill.
Well if you wanted the vegan option you should have just said so.
Emma Roberts aka Madison Montgomery is basically Lindsay Lohan with telekenesis. Sidebar, how amazing would Lohan be on this show? I think she’d kill it. Madison got angry at a director and killed him with a lighting fixture.
Failed audition for Burlesque
We also learn that Nan is clairvoyant and Queenie is a human voodoo doll. How do we know this? She says, “I’m a human voodoo doll.” Classic Ryan Murphy subtlety. She stabs herself in the hand with a fork, causing Madison’s to bleed.
Instead of supervising the teen witches, Cordelia is in the greenhouse working on her potions. You know, witch stuff. Fiona shows up, and it turns out she is Cordelia’s mother. Fiona apparently disapproves of Cordelia for not accomplishing more with her life, proving that not only is she the Supreme, she is also a Jewish mother.
Fiona tells Cordelia that she is there at the academy to help her, because something big is coming. Also, Twitter and YouTube are making it impossible for witches to hide from the public anymore, which has to be the best complaint about the internet ever.
Cut to a bus full of frat boys, where Evan Peters again plays a character I don’t give a shit about. Seriously, he’s the Toby Cavanaugh of this show. Here he plays Kyle, and he gives his bros a rousing bro pep talk before slapping them all on the ass and herding them into a frat party.
Guess who else is at the party? Madison and Zoe.
Owns two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus
Zoe and Kyle lock eyes across an ice luge and proceed to flirt and it’s boring and nobody cares because they already did this in the Murder House season.
Hey girl, my hair is almost a mullet. Wanna make out?
And then this next part, where some of the bros roofie Madison and take her into a room where they take turns raping her. It is horrifying to watch, and even more so when it’s intercut with Zoe and Kyle’s meet-cute.
I don’t know what to say about this rape scene. I don’t know what to say any time rape is used as a plot device. I also don’t understand why the TV-MA parental warning readily gives warnings for language, nudity, and sexual situations, but never for rape and sexualized violence.
Kyle and Zoe find Madison and Kyle attacks the rapists, but is knocked out and dragged onto the frat bus. Zoe and Madison follow them outside, where Zoe enacts serious revenge by using her telekinetic powers to flip the rape bus.
The next morning, Fiona shows up, tosses the girls around with some hand waving, and drags the witches out for a field trip.
This way to Babeland, ladies!
Four little witches in one straight line, the youngest one was Madeline JK we killed her.
They go to Madame LaLaurie’s house, which is now a museum. Fiona uses her Supreme powers to get free museum admission for herself and girls, which is honestly what I would do if I had supreme witch powers.
I’m not asking if you have any weed, just if you know where I can get some. Don’t be a bitch about it.
Anyways, Fiona hears about LaLaurie’s beauty treatments involving people blood and people organs, and jumps on the murder bandwagon. We also get a flashback featuring Angela Bassett (!!!) as famed voodoo priestess Marie Laveau.
Excuse me miss, are you satisfied with your long distance provider?
She tricks Madame LaLaurie into drinking a “love potion” that is really a murder potion.
Five hour energy drink!
Turns out the poor tortured servant from earlier was Laveau’s lover and she’s out for revenge.
AT&T U-Verse strikes again!
Laveau goes into the attic and nuzzles her lover’s bullhead. Jesus H. Christ Marie, take the fucking bullhead off your boyfriend!
Minotaurs need nuzzles too.
You know who else is out for revenge? Zoe. She goes to the hospital, hoping that Kyle survived the bus crash.
Excuse me, is this the rapist wing?
When she sees the rapist frat bro in a coma, she climbs on top of him and fucks him to death with her cursed vagina. Soooo… yay? I’m all for revenge, but there are non-vaginal ways to do it, right?
Meanwhile, Fiona has LaLaurie’s hidden grave dug up and cracks open the coffin to find a very much alive Madame LaLaurie. Blood facials for everybody!
You and me both, sister. You and me both.
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The captions in this article tho.
I applaud you.
Seriously, these captions are so good.
i feel no need to watch this show, all I need are your recaps.
Oh, please tell me ‘infants’ was a LG reference.
I have three major feelings about this show/episode.
1.) I’m way too much of a scardy cat to do more than read recaps on the show, so I’m speaking from a place of never seeing a single ep of AHS (but I’ve read recaps of all the previous seasons.)
2.) I find it super terrifying that both Marie Laveau (the first major voodoo queen of New Orleans) and Madame LaLaurie (the serial killer infamous for torturing, mutilating and experimenting on her slaves in her attic) were real women. I think those are the scariest parts of every season of AHS (real-world horror stories.)
3.)****TW RAPE****
This is the biggest feeling of all… why is that nearly every major show that bills itself as “feminist” always features rape? Why do so many “strong women” stories have to involve someone attacking/killing their abusers? Why does strength and change have to come from violence or because of a man? Ugh. I’d say BoTP, but I feel like it’s such a dangerous trope that’s almost become a given. Of course when Murphy said this would be the most feminist show on TV he’d open with multiple sexual assaults. I feel like these stories are so often the least feminist on TV. I don’t know how to put all my feelings into words except to say it makes me feel so gross and uncomfortable.
I’m right there with you on point number 3. I’m so sick of this stuff. And sick of Murphy’s misogyny all over TV. And now it’s on autostraddle. I can’t escape it it seems.
I’m here for the Kathy Bates and the Angela Bassett. Can’t wait. I think they are both exceptionally stellar.
Much appreciating both the feminist critiques, smokin references and the acknowledgement that AHS really isn’t a good show.
fuck, that’s three nvm this comment is now NULL N VOID
That scene before the opening credits (and the credits themselves, to a lesser extent) totally grossed me out. Hopefully in future eps there is less of that and more of all these bad ass gorgeous ladies being bad ass and gorgeous. Seriously, Jessica Lange is 64 years old and, well… you all feel me.
Ugh I don’t think I could handle this show so I will just have to live vicariously through your recaps, Chelsea. Even though WITCHES, but I kind of can’t handle all this sexual assault on my screen.
Though I do agree there’s a lot problematic about American Horror Story (any season of it, really), I still really enjoy it just because of how over the top it gets. I’m the sort who’s attracted by, not scared off from, crazy B-movie horror flicks.
Also, Jessica Lange, anyone? I swear, she’d be my AHS idol if it weren’t for Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson, Gabourey Sidibe, and (still counts if it’s not this current season) Zachary Quinto. Ugh, and Lily Rabe too! I can’t wait until tonight’s episode. :)
Haven’t even read this BUT I googled “ahs bitchcraft recap” and this was the first result and oh. my. god. I’m so stoked Autostraddle is doing this one!
Not to sound nitpicky, but Madison flipped the bus, not Zoe. I mention this only because it seems relevant to exposition/character development.
I adore this show unabashedly and love that, next to Orange Is The New Black, it’s the best place for actresses on TV. And they pick the BEST ONES. And I’m especially psyched that they brought Jamie Brewer back this year.
That said, I may not be in good company on my opinion regarding the show’s merits but I am beyond thrilled that Autostraddle is covering this season! And these recaps are hilarious.
While I have many of the same concerns about this show (esp re: rape feelings), overall the horror film fanatic in me is crazy excited about this season. I’d have styled a lot of the character development differently, but love the historical context of the story in general. This season is akin to works like Rice’s “The Witching Hour” in a way that keeps me glued to the screen (except for the trigger scenes). I am holding my breath in the hopes that Murphey doesn’t ruin this one by taking too many exaggerated liberties and perpetuating all the stereotypes (as he’s wont to do).
Also, I am so obsessed with Jessica Lange and everything she’s ever done. She’s played a few intensely disturbed characters since her Frances Farmer days, and she’s so natural it’s scary. (Also, I may have a tiny (read: enormous) crush on her!)
Instead of supervising the teen witches, Cordelia is in the greenhouse working on her potions. You know, witch stuff. Fiona shows up, and it turns out she is Cordelia’s mother. Fiona apparently disapproves of Cordelia for not accomplishing more with her life, proving that not only is she the Supreme, she is also a Jewish mother.