Finally made it to the Straight Girl Crush Party

Q

I’m a grown-ass lesbian who’s spent a couple of decades gently mocking friends who’ve had crushes on straight women because I thought it was (sorry!) pathetic and sort of self-hating. I mean I’ve privately psychoanalyzed them without mercy — this person is actually femmephobic, this one is afraid of intimacy, this one loves drama and gets off on rejection, this person has something to prove, this person is a straight trans man (I was right about him!), etc. Well now it’s time to pay because I have finally, in my mid-forties, developed a crush on a straight woman, and I am fucking miserable. 

I won’t bore you with how perfect she is because I’m assuming you already know, because you’ve already had your crush on your straight woman. The most pressing problem at the moment is that I’ve convinced myself she could be queer, for me, and I fantasize about this daily. I just have a feeling!! And of course we would be great together, and I think I’d make a great first girlfriend and an even better wife WHAT YES THIS IS HOW FAR THE FANTASIZING GOES. But the days of uninhibited experimentation are over, and she and I will never find ourselves in a situation where one thing could lead to another — we’re extremely well behaved adults. 

Do you think this is the universe’s way of punishing me for being so judgy toward others?? Or could I possibly be right about her? Should I just… flirt with her like I would a queer woman, even though something about that feels manipulative to me? AM I A SELF-HATING LESBIAN? Did I mention I am miserable.

A

Summer: Well for one, I don’t believe in a universe where there is cosmic justice of any kind. Because our world is far too unjust for cosmic justice to exist or be effective if it even does exist. I definitely don’t think you’re being ‘punished’. But you might be feeling it pretty hard because this is your first straight girl crush. For those of us who had that experience younger, it’s kinda done and we’ve… vaccinated ourselves against it, if you will. Like, it can still happen, but it won’t hurt as much as the first time we pined for unrequited love.

I don’t think you’re self-hating for this. You just have a grandly inconvenient infatuation and that happens to anyone who experiences any attraction. I also don’t think that there’s much possibility of things proceeding the way you want. Because as you say, you’ve got well-established lives and are past the period of experimentation. Most people figure out their sexuality earlier on so if someone has made it into their thirties/forties and called themselves ‘straight’, there might be something to it. And it wouldn’t be manipulative for you to gently pursue her. But it would be manipulative to try and make her like you or be into women when she’s certain she isn’t. I empathize with your misery. I’ve been in unrequited love quite a few times because I love very quickly and intensely. And the mind of someone in strong infatuation is very messy and clouded.

Valerie: I feel you on this. Unfortunately the straight crush knows no age limit. I think a little flirting and maybe some leading questions to see if she’s definitely a Kinsey 0 or if there really is potential there is fine. I do think if she makes it clear she’s definitely not into you like that, it’s better for both of you if you back off and stop flirting, even if you tell yourself it’s just platonic flirting, because that will only hurt yourself in the end. Trust me on that. But like Summer said, the odds are, sadly, not in your favor. I don’t think you’re a self-hating lesbian, I think you, like the rest of us, simply can’t help who you’re attracted to, and your brain and heart didn’t get the message of this person being unavailable until it was too late. (Or maybe you like her BECAUSE she’s unattainable, which is often what my personal straight crushes stemmed from, but that’s something only you can answer for yourself.) Sorry that you’ve joined this sad club of ours, and I hope you have some newfound empathy for your friends’ failed crushes in the past, and that someday when this crush is just a distant memory, you’ll be able to laugh at the irony of teasing people about straight crushes only to one day develop one yourself. Stay strong, friend!

Want to get back into reading !!!

Q

How do I get back into reading? I know I’m happier when I’m reading a book, I have always loved to read, but lately the lure of tiktok is too strong. I can feel myself getting stupider.

A

Summer: lmao I fucken love questions that are short and get to the point. Yeah, nah, I’m firmly of the belief that TikTok’s brand of low-attention span, fast-paced entertainment is bad for mental well-being. I’ll refrain from referring to it as ‘brain rot’ in public as I do in private. Oh, oops, I did it.

So yeah. Reading is wonderful and you’ve already taken the first step: you know it makes you happy. Lots of people don’t even realize it until they try it out and see what they miss. You already have certainty, and that’s a rock-solid start. So I’ll talk pragmatics.

Firstly, if TikTok/scrolling is part of your nightly or morning routine in bed, set a stopwatch timer on your phone that tells you ‘Time’s up, motherfucker. Put it down and read, or you’re brain rotting yourself even more‘. Limit your scrolling time and designate some of that time for reading. SET THE TIMER if you need it. And it can work because social media scrolling is endless bites of tiny entertainment. You lose nothing but closing the app after the post you’re looking at right now. The garbage hose will be there tomorrow. And it’ll be just as bad.

Secondly, consider different reading media. It doesn’t have to be a paper book. My girlfriend realized that she’s more likely to read with a Kindle because it’s more convenient, more space efficient, and… she’s a 21st Century girl who is so used to screens that a Kindle feels more like ‘home’ to her because it’s a screen. Paper books are only ‘better’ if they’re better for you. Try different forms of reading until you find something that sticks. Even reading e-books/epub files on your phone with a reader is great if it makes you feel anchored.

I could go on, but I’ve gone long enough. I hope these are good jumping points for you to get reading again.

Valerie: I had this problem for a while, and it was really hard to break out of. But I did it, and you can, too. Here’s what worked for me: first, I picked a book I was really excited about. (Ironically, BookTok is a great place to find books to get excited about, but there are other resources too, including plenty of lists here on Autostraddle dot com.) Let’s say, for example, a sapphic fairytale retelling. Then I open YouTube and search for ambiance music – for this, I’d literally start with “fairytale ambiance” and pick one that looks nice and whose sounds match the vibe. I make sure I have something to drink (to avoid procrastination excuses like “gotta fill up my water bottle”), maybe a snack if the timing is right. I then put my phone out of reach, snuggle into my cozy reading spot, and start reading. Phone out of reach is important, especially when I was first getting back into reading after a slump, because it was too easy to drift back to. A chapter ends and suddenly TikTok is magically open. I pick up my phone to look up the definition of a word and boom an hour has passed and all I’ve done is scroll. (This is also a perk of the Kindle, because I can look up definitions without even leaving the page I’m on.) So keeping my phone out of reach helps quell this impulse. Also for helping quell the addiction in general, I recommend moving where your app icon is when you feel yourself getting muscle-memoried into opening it without even consciously doing it. Your thumb opening the wrong app will give you time to decide whether you REALLY want to be on TikTok or not.

Nico: I suggest a TikTok break, actually. Do you think you can just take it off your phone for a week or so? You can always reinstall it. But it’s good to give your brain a break from that algorithm’s addictive pull.

In terms of non-TikTok-related-reading advice, I recommend re-training yourself to read in the little gaps in your day. For me, this looks like having the substack app on my phone, along with the Kindle app, but also books scattered around so that if coffee is brewing and I don’t feel like washing two dishes, I can pick something up and give it a quick go. I keep my currently and to-be-read piles kind of haphazardly on my coffee table and around my couch which is by the front door so that if I’m waiting for a guest, or have a few minutes before I have to leave, or am pausing between tasks, I can just grab a book and read a few pages or a chapter.

Once you’ve tasted a few pages, next thing you know, you’ll want more (or that is the hope), and craving reading will come more naturally to you, once again. Finally, I also recently learned that reading A TON as a child may have been a coping strategy or method of dissociation, so…if you’re an adult who doesn’t need to dissociate as much as you did when you were a bookworm kid, that is actually okay and maybe a sign that you do in fact feel like you have more agency now than you did then. Sending love and wannabe-bookworm solidarity!

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