by riese with some help from rachel
Today a very big thing happened in the world of girls and dolls: an Abby Wambach Barbie has been unleashed upon the universe and is surely primed to Make a Difference in the lives of so many young people who deserve heroines.
But who will Abby Wambach Barbie invite over for her first Gay Ladies Potluck at the Dream House? We have some ideas!
1. Leanne
This is Leanne! Leanne is the lead guitarist in an all-women pop-punk band, Three-Beer Queers, and a children’s librarian by day. Her favorite karaoke song is “Desperado” and she can’t wait for you to try her new lentil dip!
2. Kristen Stewart
This is Kristen Stewart. She’s in a bad mood.
3. Rosie O’Donnell
Friend of Barbie or friend of Dorothy?
This is Rosie O’Donnell. She finds Tom Cruise attractive, but not in a sexual way. She loves arts and crafts, Broadway musicals, and Advocating for Youth. Donald Trump hates her, but he can die in a fire.
4. Melody
This is Melody; she’s a diehard roller derby fan and has been more into Demi Lovato than you since she was in Camp Rock. She goes thrifting every weekend and runs Black & Pink card-writing events once a month.
5. Cat Cora
This is Cat Cora! She’s a chef but when she’s not making omelettes, she’s making sweet lesbian love to her wife, raising her creatively named sons, or presiding over that very expensive Cat Cora restaurant in the Virgin Airlines terminal at SFO. Abby needs salmon with Satsuma-Habanero glaze for 15? Coming right up!
6. Haley
Haley is gluten-free… but she’s such a good cook, you won’t even notice! She knows more about comic books than anyone you’ve ever met and she’s friends with all her exes and also all of your exes.
7. Ramona
This is Ramona. Ramona’s usually pretty busy and it’s hard to tear her away from her work — or from the Google Campus in Palo Alto where she spends her workdays. But she’s promised everybody at the potluck she’ll put her laptop away for at least three hours, and definitely won’t be checking her phone! This gal is ready for Jell-O shots!
8. Joan Jett
This is Joan Jett. She’ll take the gig.
9. Nikki
This is Nikki. Nikki gets really into Pride, like REALLY into it, and always remembers to bring snacks and sunscreen and extra bottles of water for everyone and so it’s not a big deal that she wants you to wear rainbow face paint every year. All of her pet fish are named “Nikki” and she’s getting her Masters in social work.
10. Melody
This is Melody. She lives on a womyn’s commune upstate where she presides over the livestock with a firm hand and a strong voice. Melody’s fresh-picked cherries are ALWAYS the hit of the potluck!
11. Kristy McNichol
This is Kristy McNichol. She’s your root.
12. Alex
This is Alex. She never met a blazer — or a broad! — she didn’t like. When she’s not carefully orchestrating the careers of her high-powered Hollywood client list or giving instructions to her assistant regarding the property in Palm Springs, you can find her at The Abbey, looking around to see who else is at The Abbey.
13. Roxy
Roxy is really down to earth despite being featured on street style blogs all the time and getting followed around by Pitchfork photographers; she fosters pit bulls and always remembers to bring something vegan to the potluck even though she isn’t vegan. Has an terrible tattoo of a shamrock from a drunken night in college but totally owns it.
14. Christie
This is Christie! Christie has been in a bit of a funk since Abby’s retirement, but when she heard about the potluck, hope rose through her chest and filled her heart and shins with love. Christie would never pass up a chance to play some pick-up ball with her #1 hero. Don’t worry folks, she’ll bring Gatorade!
15. Julia
This is Julia. She loves dressing dapper, treating her lady like a queen, secretly crying at movies, and bringing enough craft beer for everybody. She’s always looked up to Abby, and can’t wait to meet her in person at the Lesbian Barbie Meet-Up!
Is Haley rocking a Mulan pompadour?
I think these Barbies will want to come too:
(Also, my first-ever image-embed on AS and it worked!!!)
It’s not often you see someone who can pull off masc jeggings as well as Julia
omg joan jett comes with a little doll melody maker.
“this is kristen stewart. she’s in a bad mood.” = kristen’s resume
Melody #4’s description is so accurate
God I can hardly stand how much I love this.
“i’ll make guac!” – all these dolls
*is overcome with nostalgia when bra was younger…*
“Melody (#10) I swear to god if you use peas instead of avacado to make the gauc… I’m not going to feature your farm on my farm to dish special!” -Cat Cora
“first of all, I did that once and everyone loved it!”-Melody(#10)
“omg stop lying you crunchy spring butterfly, anyway do you have the order of my raw honey ready?” -Cat Cora
*little bra continues to play*
*Gasps!* Omg, you and me would get along so well if we knew each other back then! lol
When I grow up I want to be Melody.
i refuse to believe that Alex wasn’t initially conceived as a Dana Scully doll.
100% my first thought at that image
Dana Scully through and through
this post is so freaking brilliant. i LOVE it!
But I don’t appreciate Melody pretending she’s more into demi than me.
“This is Kristy McNichol. She’s your root.”
Hahahaha, oh god, that probably IS why I liked Empty Nest so much as a kid.
This makes me really happy.
YOU GUYS COME ON WE ALL KNOW NUMBER 8 IS REALLY STEF IN DISGUISE.
YES!!!!!!!! SOMEONE SEES IT! :D
K-Stew is smiling just a liiiiiiittle too much
Am i the only one who thinks Abby Wambach Barbie looks more like Sophie Schmidt?
Which is totally ok by me…
As I was reading I never wanted this list to end omg
Me neither! :D lol
I still have my Rosie doll!
SO JEALOUS
Roxy looks like Aria Montgomery
I love how Joan Jett is wearing a tee with her name on it. You go, Joan. Don’t let them tell you nothin’
I would watch this reality show for years. YEARS.
That Abby doll also looks exactly like Megan Rapinoe. Mattel could really just use both with different jerseys and kill two birds with one stone!
And/or we the lesbians could construct an entire team of lesbian USWNT players with that one mold. Even including the hair, for most of them. Awkward, USWNT lesbians. Awkward.
I’ll help with the hair, still have my scissors from grade school that made kickass before it’s time Anne Burrell-esque hair out of a respectable turn of the millennium bob a la Teri Hatcher’s Lois Lane.
For a second, I thought there was an all-lady punk band I’d never heard about and then you broke my lil gay heart. I think this might secretly be one of those personality tests: which gay barbie would you hit the town with? Read and find out!
Also, how are none of these Barbies named Katy? I find this statistically improbable.
This is amazing, you lovely people and your lovely queerdo brains are amazing. Don’t ever change
How about the new game developer barbie? She has to be gay.
http://www.polygon.com/2016/1/28/10863212/barbie-career-of-the-year-2016-game-developer
Ramona is the not-white version of that same Barbie!
My Pet Doctor Barbie would have loved been gal pals with some of these ladies back in the 90s -she wouldn’t date Kens, because you know, she wanted to focus on her career…
This takes me back to when I inherited a bunch of Barbie magazines from my neighbor, and the best thing in it was the fotonovela, I wish we had a Dreamhouse Potluck edition: The adventures of Barbby Wambach and her Queer Crew.
I am slightly ashamed to know this, but there is an American Girl blogger who does exactly this. (Her Felicity and Elizabeth are in lesbians.)
link please
Ugh I want to be at this potluck SO bad. This is the guest list of the century.
this is amazing. and i feel like i may have owned the rosie barbie when i was little???
This made my day.
So we have the character sketches. Who’s writing the fan fiction?
Awesome post!
Barbie wolf pack
I am laughing so hard.
“This is Kristy McNichol. She’s your root.”
Even funnier for the Aussies in the audience, right?
squad goals
But really though, this is perfection.
This is great, but Cat Cora isn’t making “sweet love” to her wife. They just got divorced.
This is brilliant. Someone please turn this into a webseries
Like those creepy American Girl doll videos those young whippersnappers these days make and post on youtube.
Is it bad that I actually grew up playing with the Rosie O’Donnell one?
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OMG, this was so much fun!! I can’t stand it, hope there really is such a thing as a Joan Jett Barbie!!! 🎸