Hello Squirrel friends! Guess who?

Wrong! It’s not your regularly-scheduled Tuesday Televisionary who says things like ‘squirrel friends.’ It’s Autostraddle’s Senior Designer Extraordinaire, Alex! Hi, nice to meet you all. This week, because Carlytron is running from the law in Tijiuana, I’ve hijacked the Tuesday Televisionary — much like Robin did last week (except I don’t have a cool picture to prove it).

The truth is, I only watch The History Channel and The Food Network so I can’t actually write about teevee unless you want to hear about the lost pyramid of Egypt. So I’ve called upon the Team and Intern Army to contribute in order to make this a Tuesday Televisionary of Epic Proportions. So this was truly a collaborative effort — I really don’t know how the ‘Tron does this all on her own every week! She must really like teevee or something.

Anyway! Drum roll please!

True Blood (Sundays 9 PM, HBO)

Highlights from last week include Lafayette humping furniture and dancing around his living room, and this little gem from Jessica by way of the glamoured limo driver: “Becky Eubanks is a stuck-up whore who let Jace finger her in the church!”

This week we learned that Daphne is a shape-shifter, too, which made me sort of yawn all over myself because I really, really dislike/distrust her character YAWN I mean she can’t even wait tables at a 10-top bar YAWN and Sam doesn’t seem the least bit curious about what in the world happened to her back? YAWN why am I still talking about this?

Jessica is all bored in Dallas, so she calls Hoyt back in Bon Temps and he answers the phone with, “You’re talkin’ to The Man!” I love them! They make such an adorable couple and I can’t wait for Hoyt’s mother to find out that he’s dating a vampire.

Sookie meets another telepath, Barry, who is totally uninterested in being friends or having normal conversations or probably even cookies. He’s gone by the end of the episode. This is annoying because the addition of Barry was kind of the only interesting thing that happened to Sookie this week. Wait, that bandanna-themed dress was sort of interesting. Also, Sookie might want to look into purchasing a vibrator. She seems… needy.

Which brings us to Tara and the Number 1 Question on Everyone’s Mind: What the hell is Maryann? This is moving along at a snail’s pace! Lay your cards on the table, Giant Pig Lady. And stop screwing up Tara’s life! That meltdown scene at Merlotte’s was crazy-upsetting, right? Reminded me of going home for Christmas.

Godric is Eric’s maker! Sarah gave Jason a handjob in the bathtub! Lafayette looked pretty in his headscarf! One of the Dallas vamps tipped off the Fellowship of the Sun! I love Jessica!

(by Laneia)

My Life on the D-List (Bravo, Mondays 1o PM)

In this week’s episode of The Kathy G. Sitcom/Variety Hour, Kathy decides that her palatial, 7-bathroom, Hollywood Hills home is feeling a bit crowded so she heads to Miami to check out real estate on the infamous Star Island. I’ve personally never been to Miami and judging by the humidity effect on Kathy’s naturally wavy hair I’m a bit nervous to embark on a trip anytime soon. But!, Kathy BFFs Rosie O’Donnell and Gloria Estefan are there to help her house hunt and provide the LOLs.

This was Rosie’s 3rd appearance on the D-List and she didn’t disappoint. Talking directly to the camera – check. Mooning Kathy & Gloria as they boat up to her house – check. Refusing to wear make-up on TV – check. My favorite segment was the girl’s night in, where they just shot the shit for a few minutes and Kathy talks about her past celeb hookups. In the end, spoiler alert!, the owners shockingly do not accept her $1.25M cash offer on a $17 million home. Obvs all the hijinks are scripted to a certain degree but it’s still more entertaining than nearly everything else on TV.

(by Intern Jess)

10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, Tuesdays 8 PM)

You’re probably not watching 10 Things I Hate About You because you know that nothing—NOTHING —will live up to the movie and you don’t want to have to throw things at your teevee. I understand completely. However, have you seen Lindsey Shaw lately? Maybe you remember her from Ned’s Declassified. In my professional opinion, she is the shining star of awesome in this show. Also beaming brightly is Nicholas Braun (Sky High), who plays the adorkable Cameron James.

L. Shaw does a great job as Kat Stratford, with her supercute scowl and feminist bad-assery. I’m undecided/unimpressed with Ethan Peck as Patrick Verona, but the poor dear’s only had about 5 lines in the first two episodes, so I remain hopeful and open-minded. Obviously no one can top Heath Ledger’s Verona, but let’s not dwell.

Bianca: “You’ve ruined my chances at becoming popular!”
Kat: “I’m sorry, but that girl sucks. She’s a teenaged Kim Jong Il!”
Bianca: “Speak ENGLISH you show-off!”

The first two episodes are available on abcfamily.com so go watch them! Episode 2 left us with what I consider to be a very exciting cliffhanger involving Mandella and Kat that I really hope ends well. And is it just me, or is Bianca more lovable here than in the movie?

(by Laneia)

Masterchef Australia (Channel 10)

The big TV event for me this week was the all-female grand finale of Masterchef Australia, in which amateur chefs Julie and Poh cooked their hearts out for $100,000 and a publishing deal. The verdict? Julie’s homestyle cuisine reigned supreme. Some critics are complaining because Poh is technically a better chef than Julie. But Poh knew it, and that was her downfall. Poh was ambitious and oozed self-confidence. Julie, on the other hand, was the lovable underdog, she was humble, gracious, and slightly insecure enough to make Australia share in her tears of joy each time she succeeded in the face of adversity. I sure did. In summary, I’m happy that Julie won. You’re all getting her cookbook for Christmas.

(by Crystal)

Intervention (A&E, Mondays 9pm)

July 13th’s intervention wasn’t so much like watching a train wreck as it was like watching someone die slowly of natural causes except by “natural causes” I mean “alcoholism.” There were no vodka-swigging naked girls ranting about Jesus, no lost souls prostituting themselves in the Baltimore slums for heroin and no-one inhaled computer duster/walked on sunshine.

Instead, last week’s Intervention was about fifteen shots of DEPRESSING FAMILY SAGA starring middle-aged alcoholic-of-10-years Bret, his ex-wife and his two agonizingly adorable children. Kyle, Bret’s cute-as-a-button nine-year-old son, was so particularly heartbreaking that this episode prompted Jezebel to ask “Should young people be involved in their parents’ intervention?” Bret’s personality wasn’t too memorable and he began drinking ‘cause of the pressure to make more money, which doesn’t hold a candle to gang rape. Actually I’m not sure how well I paid attention.

I’ve known people with fathers like Bret, which is probably why I voluntarily tuned out, I can only handle so much genuine emotion in one night.

After a lot of scenes of Bret sitting quietly in a bar drinking himself to death and listening to his children say how much they miss him, Bret storms out of his intervention and when they chase him home, tells his kids he’d rather lose them than give up drinking. Apparently they convince him to go to rehab off-camera by threatening legal action.

Ultimately, Bret himself was never did anything too dramatic/ridiculous on camera (read: nothing I could make fun of afterward) until the end when after 100-something days of sobriety he DIED of esophageal cancer! THAT’S RIGHT HE FUCKING DIED!

+ + +

The moral of July 20’s episode of Intervention is “straight people cannot handle their shit” and “Aaron, your wife is hot, pay her some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” Oh and per ushe, “addiction is one hell of a disease.”

Every episode we see young heterosexual addicts or about-to-be-addicts give birth (multiple times!) and get married to people who’s lives they eventually ruin because of their illness. And many of these addicts trace the start of their addiction to their parents’ divorce. Straight marriage kills, America!

AARON: One thing that’s tough about Intervention is that if you try to do other stuff at the same time, you’ll miss something written on the screen and be totally lost. Good thing I didn’t miss “While on crystal meth, Aaron would masturbate for 10 to 12 hours.” That’s nothing though—Aaron has been in 1,200 pornographic films, which he got into ‘cause of his fighting career. Aaron is a hot hunk of man and his wife, who he met when she was also in porn films, IS SMOKIN’ HOT. Meanwhile Aaron is on crystal meth.

“I’d like to get back into fighting … but I’d much rather do crystal meth than fight.” (Aaron)

ANDREA: Andrea’s pants are falling off, she drinks all day but needs a shot of Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi afterwards. Like many female interventionees, Andrea was raped as a child and her mother (have you noticed that the mothers are almost always obese on this show? Just a sidenote) did not deal with it then and is therefore taking care of her now.

THE END: Both of our lovely addicts agree to treatment. Hurrah! Andrea also gets a makeover I think and looks super-cute with her new haircut and clear skin. We’re told at the end that Aaron relapses but says he’s going back to treatment, which is always a lie and also very sad. Vanessa – call us!

(by Riese)

Next: Gimme Sugar, Weeds, The 7 PM Project, Nurse Jackie and So You Think You Can Dance …

Gimme Sugar

Episode 4 of the luscious lesbian drama starts out with some dirty dancing. Except Devonee doesn’t like the hot dancers at the try outs because watching them dance is apparently “like watching cheap porn.” That’s so weird ’cause I like the dancers… coincidentally…

Someone calls and tells Charlene that she should go confront this lesbian promoter-girl Alison, cause she is P to the ISSED about Charlene plugging ‘Truck Stop’ on her turf. It’s all about building the community y’all. Lesbian visibility! Lets not compete, let’s heal the world!
Charlene is kind of like David and Alison is Goliath. OK, history lesson: who wins? Right.

Then this really effin’ cute thing happens where Char is all sad and misses her friends and stuff. And then surprise! Erin* shows up to cheer her up! (*a girl that Charlene went on a date with last episode.) Erin “like, heard from the grapevine, that you were, like, down, like, dude, why don’t I just come over, and be like, ‘surprise!'”

As you know, girls have feelings and it isn’t long before someone is sharing them. In this case, it’s Erin:

“I feel like… um, I try to… [holding back tears] be there for other people but… when am I gonna be there for myself? [tears now] And um, it’s really hard,“

Cheer up Charlene Fail. Way to go, Erin.

The morning after that, Charlene’s bf Alex shows up to surprise her. (Aaaand I just noticed that she’s VERY cute.) It’s, like, time to go crazy and be high on life and high on energy and like party time! JK, the big bosses back in LA want to video conference to tell Charlene that she’s not doing a good job and they’re pulling the event. They’re all like “Sorz! Game over, Char!” …or IS it?! Stay tuned next week to find out!

Total times someone says ‘drama’: 3
(I should really be counting how many times these girls say ‘like’ instead.)

(by A;ex)

The 7pm Project

Last night I was excited about the premier of The 7pm Project, a program that delivers the daily news via Australia’s top comedians and tv personalities. Although at times it seemed as if they let the work experience kid hold the camera, overall it was entertaining and very well done. Just one of the positive aspects of this show is the way it features an out lesbian, MTV VJ Ruby Rose, in a popular family timeslot; a small step to increasing the visibility of ‘the gays’ in Australia’s media and homes. And she kicked goals last night, not only by demonstrating her talent and credibility as a presenter but also by projecting sapphic quips about Sienna Miller into living rooms across the nation. Ruby Rose, I tip my hat to you.

(by Crystal)

The Weeds Awards for ‘Weeds’!

We pick up 6 months after Shane & Nancy arrive at Esteban’s mansion and Andy is left heartbroken. This is obviously a necessary way to speed up Nancy’s pregnancy and to apparently avoid seeing what are assumed to be happy and stress-free months for Nancy. The episode opens with a shot of my future backyard and then a scene with Nancy in the shower with her TOTALLY realistic pregnant belly, while Esteban reads What NOT to name your baby.

The 11 things to happen this week:

1. Esteban tells Nancy they will get married, gives her a hideous purple ring. But he is just such a funny guy because that wasn’t the real ring or proposal, his real proposal tells her to give herself to him while he is nude on the bed and pulls a ring out of I don’t want to know where.

2. Ignacio and Shane are partners in crime, and ditch school. Shane is over it before the day is done.

3. Silas is trying to run a legitimate business while a cop extorts money from him.

4. Andy has something that is supposed to resemble a beard growing on his face and plays Ms. Pac Man all day.. He still lives at Nancy’s former home along with Silas, Doug, Isabelle and Celia.

5. Celia is a disgruntled worker at “Sneaker World”, but sticks it to the man by wearing couture heels until she gets to work. She gets picked up by some Mary Kay type make up saleswoman at a bus stop- who knows where that is going.

6. Nancy shows up at Andy’s to tell him about the engagement. Instead she talks to his voicemail while standing back to back. Any other character I would not feel bad for, yet somehow I do feel for her.

7. Doug wants to be George Hamilton, starting with the tan. He has Isabelle apply the tan since apparently she is the only one in the house who he thinks won’t get turned on, ya know, because she’s the token lesbian of the house.

8. Nancy very unnecessarily goes and visits Guillermo in jail to rub the engagement in his face and tells him he won’t be leaving for a long time

9. Doug thinks George Hamilton can get away with anything, so he picks a fight with the cop, cop ends up knocked out on the ground at the Medicinal Marajuana shop and now they are screwed.

10. Andy goes to Esteban & Nancy’s. He has a kind of fencing duel with Esteban. Then he tells Nancy that she will soon be three-times a widow and he won’t be there, but he’ll send a note. Ouch.

11. Enter mystery Mexican lady. She speaks Spanish. I don’t, therefore, can’t help ya there. I’m sure it has been translated by now somewhere on the interwebs though. I feel as though her being his ex-wife would be way too obvious of a move though.. Thoughts?

(by Intern Nicole)

So You Think You Can Dance

When I first saw Mary Murphy on the teevee, I thought “Hm, Marie Osmond has gained a little weight, what a cutie.” Then she opened her mouth and I knew it was not Marie Osmond, it was the most ANNOYING WOMAN ON EARTH. This is the first year I’ve watched So You Think You Can Dance and I’m baffled about her existence. Anyhow!

My Number One Memory this week is of Evan really being put through the wringer! A hopelessly white kid who can’t be taller than 5’5, is partnered with the tallest female contestant Kristy for a fancy dance that involves lots of lifts and spins, and then at the end Evan is the only white kid doing the traditional African dance in gigantic pantalones. BTW, they f*ckin’ KILLED THAT DANCE.

I am sad that the gay dude Kupono got eliminated, he was so good.

(by Riese)

Nurse Jackie

Best Guest Star of the Week Award!

The first time I heard Edie Falco would be starring in a new show on Showtime, I had no doubts that it would be anything less than amazing because I just could not see her taking just any part offered to her.. So far, I have been proven right on this assumption, and this episode shows it keeps getting better.

This week a former nurse/friend of Jackie comes to the hospital in the end stages of lung cancer. She is looking to have her friends help her end her life sooner with morphine. There were some funny Jackie/Zoey/Dr. O’Hara moments in this episode. Also, the dying friend, Paula, was offensive, mean, rude but overall, hilarious. She was especially mean to Akalitus which was awesome.

We also see a new side of Eddie and Jackie. First with Jackie showing signs of jealousy when she finds out about Eddie having given percocets to Paula in the past, then a more assertive and harsh side of Eddie while he is talking to Zoey about the nurses plan to help Paula die.

The nurses gather around Paula, and she gives a toast: “Heres to you, and heres to me, and if we disagree then fuck you, heres to me.” Paula wants a priest, so Jackie gets her a priest. Akalitus bursts in to break up the moment after Paula passes.

Oh and guess who has two mommies? Coop does! Swoosie Kurtz is “other mom” and Blythe Danner is “vagina mom” (Dr. O’Hara’s words) – as Blythe is the one who gave birth to Coop. We also find out that Coop was teased growing up for his tourettes, OCD and the lesbian moms thing, so I guess the tourettes is real. Also, Coop picks favorites with his moms, that’s not nice. I wouldn’t mind seeing both of them in future episodes. (Sidenote: Is it just me or is Swoosie Kurtz popping up like everywhere the last few months? L&O SVU, Desperate Housewives, Pushing Daisies, Autostraddle Top 10 Lesbionic Theatre Experiences.. just saying)

(by Intern Nicole)

Team OUT!

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