Welcome to A+ Sex Diaries, an A+ feature in which we publish seven days in our sex lives.

A few weeks ago I naively lit an intention candle to bring more sex and romance into my life. That was a mistake. Instead of sex and romance, I was offered a handful of complicated, emotionally taxing friendships, flirtationship and situationships. I’m single and I’ve always been comfortable with being single, but it’s been one year since I’ve had sex with anyone but myself and I’m feeling the drought.

I’m a full time student and full time freelancer with additional odd jobs to make ends meet. I’m burnt out from spending over three years applying for full-time jobs to no avail. I’m also moving in a month, which has caused a lot of disruption for quite a few people in my life. Despite wanting to enter into my “settling down” phase, I’m still out here going to queer dance parties in hopes of finding fuck buddies. Ya girl just really needs a low key thing to release the tension of the times!

Sadly, you will not read about any hot hookups in this journal. Instead, you’ll get a glimpse of my stressed out, over-committed, horny reality full of longing, desire and mediocre masturbation. In the midst of logging an endless amount of crushes, I get the news about Roe v. Wade possibly being overturned. Not only is my sex life feeling hopeless, but so is my future. Sad and sexy is usually my vibe, but this week felt so extremely unsexy. Loss of human rights is pretty much the unsexiest thing I can think of. Yet, here I am, still crushing, fantasizing, watching porn. For me, sex is about escaping, and that’s really the best I can do with what I have.

Day 1: Sunday

I woke up thinking about the girl I met at a party last night but I’m not sure if I want to pursue her in that way. It seemed like she was in some sort of complicated dating situation and I can’t do complicated right now.

I go to church like I usually do on a Sunday. Ironically, this is where I find the hottest people and most of my past situationships. Walking in, I know I’m going to see at least 3 people (if not more) I have baby crushes on. I mean, they’re half the reason I go to church. Immediately when I walk in I see the gal I was kinda talking to? She beautiful, but I think we mutually ghosted each other. Again, things with her are a little complicated and I just don’t have the energy for complicated. Why can’t sex be easy?

Within a matter of seconds I run into the person I had about a 6 month situationship with (situationship #2). She’s still super hot and we’re still friends, but at least with this crush we’ve talked all of it through. Both of us aren’t in places for a full-fledged relationship and I don’t want to her to just be a fuck buddy because I really do care about her. We sit in church together and I wonder if my most recent and intense crush is lurking around somewhere. I look around and I don’t see her. It’s probably for the best, since I tend to have a type and my type is generally pretty unhealthy and emotionally unavailable. I’m in line for communion, in between Situationship #2, and a girl I met a few weeks ago (I slyly got her number the first time we met). She comes up from behind me and says ‘hi.’ I texted her last week thinking she wasn’t interested, but maybe she is? She and some friends invite me to brunch and I try to feel it out. We end up talking about dating in general but in that weird friendly “generic” kinda way.

Anyways, it’s got me thinking how much I want to have sex but how little energy I have for all the stuff before it?

I just Facetimed my long distance friend, who brought up that one super hot person I met at her party back in December. I instantly felt pulsing down below. Damn, I hate how into them I was for three solid days. And honestly if they weren’t in a monogamous relationship or if they didn’t live thousands of miles away, I would totally hit them up for hot girl summer.

As I’m finishing a different piece for Autostraddle, I realize I’m home alone. Sometimes in order to get myself to finish a project, I’ll treat myself to some pleasure as a reward. I’m speeding through final edits so I can finally get to sexy me-time. It’s gonna be quick because I have stuff to do. I start with the off brand thera gun but its not really doing much, so I switch to my go-to, the Hitachi Magic Wand, and watch a new version of the same porn that always does it for me: people with vulvas masturbating. I love it, especially when it’s close up…it’s like I can almost taste it.

Day 2: Monday

Woke up not feeling in the mood. However, my dreams were kinda weird last night so, like I do most mornings, I checked to see if I was wet. I wasn’t. Answered a bunch of text messages, scrolled through Instagram and TikTok –a habit I’m really trying to break. I rolled around naked in my cool cotton sheets for a while because it felt good on my bare skin and procrastinated starting work.

I get an out-of-the blue warm text from Situationship #2, my slow burn crush. I get more butterflies than usual, but stop myself because I’m really just trying to be friends with her.

I see that girl from class who — I think — may have a crush on me. She hasn’t explicitly told me she’s queer, but my senses are tingling.

It’s the end of the day and my slow burn crush hasn’t texted me back. I feel really stressed and anxious, and I don’t think getting off will help. I take a few hits of my vape and come to terms with the non-sexual night I’m going to have.

Before I go bed, my brain begins to dream up comforting scenes: me hooking up with someone in a grassy field at night by a lake while fireflies buzz around us; me driving down backroads and hooking up with someone in the back of our truck on a lazy summer Sunday night while a light hum of sounds from folks celebrating in the distance drifts in the air and maybe even the faint sound of a summer storm rolls through.

It has me thinking about those psychological games/tests–the ones where you answer questions like “what’s your favorite body of water” and it’s supposed to give insight on your sex life. My answer to that question is always” lake” because “you can explore it while still feeling safe.” As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that my brain equaes sex to this lazy summer Sunday. That really does check out.

Day 3: Tuesday

Woke up with a slight headache and feeling generally sad. I got news of of the Roe v. Wade leak so I’m feeling the furthest thing from sexual. Usually, my general mood is sad and sexy, but I don’t know about the sexy part today.

As I’m sitting in class, I read Ro’s article about Masturbation May and realize maybe I’m not doing enough to let myself relax throughout the day. I’ve been debating getting a new toy but I’m not really sure where to go. Ro and Vanessa’s sex writing also remind me about CrashPad. The first and only time I was on it was with my very first ex. I had forgotten the name of it since then, but I’ve been meaning to look into it. My ex and I aren’t on speaking terms, so I’m glad AS reminded me.

While in class, I think about how vibrators have only ever been the thing that works for me. I re-read Vanessa’s masturbation piece. I re-read Ro’s piece on Masturbation May. I scroll through their toy recs and look at the Caress, but realize I can’t afford it. At first, I get panicky (finances have been a big thing lately), but then I think about creative ways I can work with what I have.

I also have this weird thing going on. There’s this straight cis white guy in my class and I actually find him hot? WHAT. This has never really happened to me before…I don’t know what to make of it so I shut it down. But then I think about it more. I actually think what I want is to have more power than him. Power and sex can be confusing sometimes.

Day 4: Wednesday

I had two dreams about two different love affairs/hookups. One was about this guy in highschool I thought I was in love with. The other was about the one and only fuck buddy I’ve ever had. The former followed an arc of unrequited love. The latter was simply just us hooking up, so it was hot. When I woke up I felt to see if I was wet, and I was a little bit! I rubbed and played around with my labia for a while deciding if I want to fully jump into playtime. I figured I better start my day, so I touched my chest a little, rolled around in my sheets, and eventually got up.

My roommate left to go work with their partner and suddenly my genitals perked up. I knew what that meant. I quickly finished the project I was working on and went to my room. I couldn’t remember if CrashPad was free, or not (it’s not, but for a good reason), and like I said, I’m really financially not doing so hot, so I shut that idea down. I tried watching a mutual masturbation video on Bellesa but the women just weren’t that believable? Plus I love loud, moaning sex and I wasn’t getting it from them. I realized that last week I accidentally bought a subscription to Dipsea (accidental because I thought I was signing up for a free trial). Since I already spent the money, I figured I might as well use it. When I thought I was on the free trial, I played through a few but didn’t think it was my thing. What I wanted was simply the sound of someone cumming, but these are all elaborate stories. Typically I’m a quick and easy masturbater, but I figured I should force myself to slow down for 10 minutes and trust the process.

I turn on an audio that’s recommended for me called “Caught.” It’s about an art student fucking her French professor during a bad thunderstorm and eventually getting caught. At first, it took me a hot sec to get into it. Role play/acting/fantasy isn’t really my thing, but a French accent is my weakness. Plus, I love a good thunderstorm. I keep listening and realize some dude “catches” them (not really, he sees the protagonist in the hallways and outs her) and I instantly turn off, so I fast forward to the last 2 minutes. The student is fucking the teacher with 2, 3, 4, 5 fingers. I’m into it now. I hold my handy dandy magic wand up to my vulva as I listen to them fucking and wouldn’t you know it, I come and they come! I was very surprised that I came from an audio story, but maybe the people at Dipsea are on to something.

Day 5: Thursday

I went through most of the day without a thought of sex, sensuality, or pleasure. It’s now 10pm and I’m working on some projects while my roommate has Insecure on in the background. I don’t consecutively keep up with the show, but I vaguely know the characters. This particular episode has SO MUCH casual sex. I’ve never really been into watching straight sex but this is hot. I’m not about to go watch straight cishet porn anytime soon, but I feel like this gave me a new appreciation for straight sex!

Honestly, I’m jealous of Issa in this episode. Her only goal is to collect fuck buddies and she’s doing it. I’m just sitting here thinking to myself “why can’t I do that?” I actually asked my therapist this a few days ago. She told me I need to be more physically bold. I give Big Top Energy when I’m on a date or can have a quiet conversation, but in a public setting like a club or bar or party, I have a tough time coming on to people. I’m particularly thinking about this now because my favorite queer party event is happening tomorrow and if I have any chance of getting any, it’s going to be there.

Historically, this specific event, while extremely fun, has never gone that well for me in the hookup department. I realize it’s a “me” problem. I see all these hot people with top energy dancing up on other people or approaching them and explicitly flirting. These are things I really struggle with. My kind of sexual flirting happens with eye contact and an intense conversation about theory, not dissimilar to Marina and Jenny from The L Word.

Anyways, maybe this sex diary will inspire me to try something new tomorrow. I’m great at making tons of new friends, but I need to channel that sexual energy. Any recommendations? I generally feel good about the way I look, but it’s the sexual energy part I struggle with. It’s like I’m an awkward 12-year-old boy who doesn’t know what’s going on, only that he has hormones and body parts that move in weird ways.

The crazy thing is that I’m not a bottom!!!! Once we’re in the bedroom, I’m totally golden. I gotchu. It’s the getting there that’s really trippin me up.

Day 6: Friday

As expected, I was sexually overwhelmed when I walked into this queer party. I was feeling slightly more optimistic than usual, probably because I drank a little more than I typically do. It’s just me and a friend — and our mission every time we go to this particular party is to find someone to have a thing with (“thing” being anything fun, romantic, or sexual). However, from pre-Covid times until now, this has yet to happen to either of us, despite us actually putting in effort. The thing is, I go and meet and talk to so many people! The problem is the sexual/flirtatious part. I kinda felt like I was objectifying folks a little bit as I walked around the space with my friend, looking for potential matches. About halfway through the night a very attractive person said something to me and we made partial, yelling small talk. I was going to be very blunt (because my therapist suggested I do that) and say something like “you look hot” but then they told me that they were on a serious shroom trip. I felt a little too sober to try and make a move when they were so clearly under the influence. I took a lap and by the time I came back they had already left.

I felt the most sexy when the DJ played this fun remix of “Pony.” I was wearing a sporty-meets-sexy Hayley Kiyoko vibe outfit and I felt so empowered thrusting to that song. I danced the whole song for myself, but to my surprise no one came up to me or even looked in my direction. In fact, everyone seemed to already have a grinding partner.

Everyone was coupled up. What is it with queer people these days! Literally everyone around us was making out. I was equally turned on and also sad. I know I’m hot and a catch, but it feels so personal when–for almost three years straight (minus Covid breaks) — I still can’t find a fuck buddy in this hot group of people. It feels really personal and heavy, similar to the feeling I get when my writing gets rejected. I know it’s not necessarily personal and that I’m more than capable, but it’s hard to feel that way when all I’ve gotten is no’s. I want so much to be a casual-hookup-at-a-bar type of person but I guess it’s not in me. My friend and I spend the ride home on a few dating apps, sad and desperate for something…someone. To no avail, we do what we do best and eat food and watch Lizzo’s show–the best part of the night.

Day 7: Saturday

I woke up late with a headache, but felt the urge to go to my nearby farmer’s market anyway. I saw a person I thought might be queer there and thought about how hot they were and how it would be much easier for me to approach them in this kind of setting. I was actually going to go sit at a table with them and make my move that way, but by the time I finished getting my produce they were gone.

In the downtime I had before work, I felt lethargic but also like I needed to masturbate to get all of whatever last night was out of my system. It was quick and easy. Took the magic wand out and fantasized about two separate scenarios: one where I tie someone on their knees on a bed and make them cum all over the sheets, and one where I’m a student tied down to a desk watching someone on cum on the teacher’s desk in front of me. I get off in about 2-3 minutes and then carry on with my day.

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