February holds a different kind of anniverary for me. When the icy part of winter returns, and the endless cycle of melting and freezing creates a thick, unfriendly crust on top of the dirty snow, I remember the last relationship I was in that went on too long. This is because, in 12 short days, I’ll mark, as I do every year, the day when I woke up and started to put plans in motion to leave. In the end, it’s the leaving that stays with me, that feels important.
When I put out the call for answers to this roundtable, I wasn’t sure how many people would want to share something so vulnerable even if it is tucked away in the A+ section, if anyone would want to talk about staying too long, or if they would not want to look back, not write about it, leave things the way they are. I was blown away, grateful, awed that 12 of us here at Autostraddle wrote about this topic. I hope that if you need this today, that it brings you some comfort, or whatever you may need. We’ve all been there, lonely and worried about what it means to leave the familiar — but we are not alone when we share our experiences.
Thank you for being a steward of this space, for being a member, for being here with us.
Nicole
“I had a goal in my mind: we have to make it to a year to prove I’m lovable.” This was me in my first relationship. Glad I learned from that experience!
Thank you for these vulnerable and moving stories 💚
I also stayed in my first queer relationship for too long, in my case because it had taken me so long to finally click with someone (I was 34 when we met) that I didn’t want to believe it couldn’t work out. I wasn’t afraid of being alone – I had been alone a lot already – but I also knew that wasn’t the life I wanted. I felt broken because I had never experienced the kind of whirlwind passion that other people seemed to find so easily, so I thought I had to settle for what I could get. She was actually the one who broke up with me first after 4 years, and at the time I was devastated and would have done anything to get her back. But in retrospect, after a subsequent messy crisis, I realized that the relationship had been dysfunctional for a long time and had eroded my previously strong self-esteem. It did teach me a lot, and I have better boundaries now and a better understanding of what I need, but it was traumatizing and I can’t say I’m grateful for the experience.
“ My therapist calls me a “low-lick puppy” — because research shows that puppies’ nervous systems develop lifetime habits within the first ten days of being born! And if puppy-moms don’t make sure their puppies feel safe and warm with grooming, or have enough to eat, or feel protected from the huge harsh world, their little puppy brains grow differently and they are kinda stressed out forever. (Or until they can get into a high-lick home!)”
This explains … a lot for and about me. Thank you for sharing this, Heather.
these were all such vulnerable stories thank you everybody for telling them
this was so comforting to read in so many ways, thank you
thank you so much to all of you for sharing this very vulnerable, pulpy stories.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories, they are all wonderfully written and reassuringly relatable.
Vanessa – your line about stomach aches lifting really hit me. Have been there many times and it’s taken me a long time to realise that I am not as much of an anxious person as I always thought, once I stopped giving time and energy to people who made me feel that way!
Valerie, I’d like to throw your ex into a pit of molten lava. I know the type, bunch of weak psychopaths.
oh i loveeee this. i have stayed in too many relationships for too long.
As soon as I saw the title of this article, I knew I had to read it. I’ve done way too much staying too long in relationships and have been extremely cautious about starting new ones for some years now as a result
Em, I really related to what you shared about your relationship with your ex. My attraction to my first partner (who uses he/they pronouns) was complicated for very similar reasons. I had mostly been interested in feminine people in the past, whereas they were attracted to masculinity. (I’m agender and don’t like to be labeled as masc or femme.) It should have been a red flag when he said, “You’re not really the kind of person I WANT, but I know you’re the person I need right now.” Throughout our relationship, I worried about whether my ex found me attractive, but I wasn’t willing to listen to my heart when my attraction to him started changing. I knew that gender is a construct and that sexuality can be fluid… but I think my lack of honesty with myself ultimately harmed my ex. I appreciate you writing so openly about your experience.
Ro, I was a fan of your work in Chicago theatre, and I’m a fan of your work on this site. I’m so sorry that your ex treated you that way and that her version of events had such a profound impact on your career and relationships. Thanks for sharing your story.
Honestly, thanks everyone for sharing these stories! This was such an insightful roundtable, and I second everyone who says they found your responses comforting and relatable.
Thank you all for sharing these. Lots of love to you all!
Dear everybody else sobbing about Heathers writing again, can confirm, peace is possible, and you personally deserve it.
true!!!!!
The is was such a powerful and moving collection.
Yes, I cried. I love sharing stories and finding connections in our experiences. Especially as I navigate my first year of divorce after 26y together. Lemme just say… there’s a lot to relate to here.
Heather. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so glad you cut her off. I’m in a similar boat. Repairing the damage will take a long time (my nervous system is similarly in a shambles), but I finally learned I’m worth it, that I have needs that should be respected, which is a hard thing to accept when you’ve never really been treated like an autonomous person. Mega solidarity and peace to you.
Drew! That closing line to end yours and this whole piece on, what a gut punch. This is why you’re one of my favorite writers.
Love to each of you for the vulnerability of sharing these stories.