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It’s actually not infrequently that we receive an A+ Advice Box question about orgasms. They are a hot topic, a topic of contention and confusion, sometimes joy and sometimes anguish! Folks feel all kinds of obligations to have them, to “give” them, to be able to orgasm in certain ways. There is even the phrase “achieve orgasm” which is really giving a lot of undue pressure here. Who said we had to hand out trophies? Worse, there’s also the implication that we might not get a trophy. On the complete opposite end of the effort spectrum is “la petite mort.” Personally, I think that sounds like a nap. Anyway, words mean a lot! They can set expectations, but here, we’re all about taking those apart, taking deep breaths, and just letting ourselves be our beautiful queer selves, okay? As we at Autostraddle often say in one way or another in the sex advice we give — everyone’s experience is ultra personal and there really is not any one ‘right’ way to feel or go about having sex, with yourself or others — it’s about what works for you.
So, in pursuit of some kind of more holistic conversation on how queer people are relating to their orgasms, I asked the team to weigh in. How do they feel about their orgasms? Is there anything in particular that they enjoy (or don’t), anything they want to say about how they go about orgasming, or anything they want to share about orgasms in general? What we have now, for you, are a variety of highly individual answers to this prompt. Do you see yourself in any of these answers? Want to share your own thoughts and experiences? I hope you will in the comments! Thank you, always, for being a member. You’re both valid and also the best.
Xoxo,
Nicole
Wow this was super interesting, thanks so much everybody for sharing! Love Abeni’s journey and would for sure enjoy a full length article about that if she wanted to share more.
hmmm :)
I love this! Yes to being open about sex and pleasure!
One thing I’ve struggled with – I can come pretty easily and consistently on my own but I never have with a partner! Regrettably, I’ve faked it several times to avoid making partners feel bad – idk what it is, whether I can’t get out of my head enough or whether my body just needs very specific things that I have to learn to communicate, but it’s frustrating
I really loved reading all your guy’s thoughts on this subject. People so often forget about the nuances of orgasms, and it really was wonderful to see as ok these different connotations with them. Autostraddle round tables are the best.
I also very much love orgasms but I will admit that the way I’ve experienced them throughout my 7 (eight’ish) years of masturbating have varied for a number of different reasons. The closest I’ve ever gotten to making someone come was when I was sexting somebody more than 2,000 miles from me. That whole thing is far beyond over by now but I still cannot get over how good it feels to be able to make someone feel like that. Not even just making a person orgasm but also just being able to pull them into that shared intimacy.
Love this discussion, and the variety of experiences. People rarely are as open and honest about it, as the discussion here. Truthfully, you are doing a great service to the community by discussing this subject.
My own experience is that having an orgasm has always been relatively easy for me (solo or with partner) but it does change with time. As I get older, it gets harder so “toys” really help. Honestly never knew the range of toys out there to explore until a couple of years ago when I started exploring various online sites. I have to restrain myself from buying every interesting one I see, it’s a real budget killer.
There are even ones now controlled by apps on phones so long distance partners can give their significant other an orgasm that they can control, 1000s of miles away. The marvels and pleasures of modern technology!!
I appreciate how many of the answers framed orgasms as pleasurable but not necessarily the end goal of sex! Media and/or porn really reinforces the orgasm as the big “finish line” of sex and I feel like that kind of thinking can really get you in your head during sex. I’m also someone who suffers from getting distracted/list-making during sex, so I’m always looking for recommendations to help with that!
“As for solo sex, I feel like I definitely have been masturbating less during the pandemic because of…depression? Anxiety? The fact that my brain now well into my 30’s has decided solo sex is actually to-do-list-organizing time? I think there are actual instances where I have grumpily stopped masturbating to go get a sticky note because I remembered something I needed to do. I think I should start meditating, maybe. I also recently added a sticky note pad and pen to my bedside table, like it’s a hotel room, so maybe that will help.”
Dear god Nicole are you in my brain?? If so, please get out of there and take the sticky notes when you go. But also I feel very seen here
Love the variety of responses here, made me feel better.
Haha oh no Maria maybe I am! 🧠 Or you’ve been in mine! Wishing you good luck with sticky notes <3
Dani, yes! Thank you for putting words to this: “This is gonna sound cocky but I never had a problem making another person orgasm. I would sort of disassociate during sex and just view myself as an instrument of someone else’s pleasure.”
Really appreciate all of you for sharing these! I’m ace spectrum, and orgasms are just…kind of meh for me? Like, they feel nice, but not great. I like the build up, though. My partner is not ace, and I find myself struggling with how to enjoy sensual touch & intimacy with them without feeling pressure to chase an orgasm. It’s helpful to read about what it’s like for other people!
This was super interesting – really appreciated everyone’s perspectives (the AS roundtables are always so excellent)! I think I’m in the small percentage of folks who just don’t get orgasms, partnered or solo (just has never been a thing for me) and while I don’t feel like I’m missing out or need to try to change that about myself, it’s pretty interesting to read everyone’s perspectives. (Riese, your perspective struck a chord even though things are a bit different for me!). Thanks for doing this.
i’m glad it struck a chord! i think you are doing good just the way you are
Such an interesting read! The first time I had sex, my then-partner got upset that I didn’t come fast enough, which led to some back of my brain baggage for later sexual encounters. My current partner, however, is excellent at both making me come and making me feel like it’s not a big deal if I don’t, especially because they’re a service-oriented sub so are genuinely very happy even if it takes a long time. There are still times I don’t orgasm, but they’re pretty rare and usually because I get too in my head about whether I’m actually getting close etc etc. I’d also like to applaud the comments about long term relationships (and Heather’s about monogamy!) – this is a huge part of why I’ve become so much more comfortable with my own sexuality, because I love and trust my partner so much! Shout out to sex in long term relationships in general and to my fiancé in particular.