Listling Without Commentary: Headlines About Judgment Day

Wow, World. Good job with the news! No but this is funny — I live in Oakland, the HQ of this Rapture operation. I had NO IDEA that anybody else in the world knew anything about the billboard I’ve been biking past since I moved here. But apparently it’s a thing! EVERYWHERE! Here’s a selection of the 5,000,000 headlines of the 5,000,000 articles/posts published yesterday by upstanding news outlets all over the world:

1. Last Supper Meal Ideas Before the “Rapture” Hits

2. 17 Doomsday T-Shirts

3. If Apocalypse Comes, what happens to football

4. Apocalypse Owww

5. It’s the End of the World As We Know it! What’s On Your Bucket List?

6. Eight Drinks to Toast Armageddon

7. Stoner Jesus Reacts To The “Coming Rapture”

8. THE RAPTURE: WHY THE WORLD REALLY COULD END TOMORROW

9. May 21, 2011: What Will the Weather Be on Judgment Day?

10. Americans Ready Amid Fear the End is Near

11. 10 Things IT Groups Need to Know About the Rapture

12. Celebrities Respond to the Rapture

13. 5 Smartphone Apps You Need to Try Before the Rapture

14. So The Rapture Is Saturday — Luckily The Grey’s Anatomy Finale Was Last Night

15. Celebrating Doomsday in Song

16. If Your Pets Are Left Behind at the Rapture

17. Rapture: Money Opportunities for Judgment Day

18. Is Harold Camping’s Doomsday Affecting Your Travel Plans?

19. 4 Social Media Tools & Tips for the Rapture

20. Yes, It’s Another Rapture Story

21. World to End Saturday — Now Russians Know It Too

20. My Last Column

23. Doomsday: It’s the Gay’s Fault

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3266 articles for us.

52 Comments

    • I like that it’s “Gay’s” instead of “Gays”. Not sure if that is the original or an oops from here, but I still find it amusing. Damn that one gay! If only we knew which one of us it was, we could find them and have a proper judgement day party with armageddon drinks, smartphone apps, and doomsday songs.

  2. I just heard about this end of the world thing yesterday.

    If the world ends this evening, at least I’ll be drunk at a big gay stagette party!

  4. Not to nitpick, but shouldn’t #23 be “It’s the Gays’ Fault”? I mean, since it’s all of our collective fault, and not just one person named Gay?

    Nitpicking is probably why I got left behind.

  5. #16. Did you know you can pay people so they can take care of your pets in case you are not saved..

    Which is weird ’cause if only 2% of the people are saved, what are the odds that these people will live to take care of your pets?

    Also when I read #21 and the next was #20, I thought.. Oh no, countdown begins..

    • The rapture thing is that you’re taken up to heaven isn’t it? (The Left Behind books were somewhere in my past) So the idea is that you’ll go up to heaven and a non-believer will still be on earth and care for your dog or cat or pet alligator or whatever. I also feel like Aslan factors in here somewhere.

      • No, as far as I know, 2% of the population gets saved, the rest goes up (or down) for judgement…

        • No, rapture is where the true believers get taken up, then there’s the 7 years of tribulation before the second coming (reading Fred Clark’s take down of the Left Behind books can come in handy)

  6. My friend just had the best idea on facebook-> “Kinda want to fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them so people think the rapture has started. :)” ….Quick, everyone run to your local blow up doll/helium emporium and we’ll go and piss off some crazy fundamentalist christians!

  11. Uuuuhhh….Hong Kong is still on the map and it’s already tomorrow there.

    Also, tomorrow is my birthday and NOTHING will mess up that dinner dammit.

  12. Okay so up there ^ we have someone whose birthday is today – Saturday – and someone whose birthday is Sunday. Mine is Monday. Anyone for Tuesday?

  14. So…damn, this means I still have to pay my student loans. Well, at least I live to see another good day.

  15. today me and my brother stocked up on alcohol for our rapture after party tonight
    EXCITED

  16. I was listening to the news just now

    First item. Volcanic eruption in Iceland

    Second Item. End of the world

    coincidence?

  17. I spent the end of the world in a park with a bunch of Phillystraddlers and Nutella. I feel it went well.

  18. i feel as though the designer poster didn’t clearly think through his artistic choices. he’s just asking for a 14-year-old to spray paint poo under the praying[?] man.

    • And here I thought it was an artistic choice to show rapture-induced constipation.

      . . . no?

  19. Are they all going to castrate themselves and order pot pies at Denny’s like those other people? Cause that was awesome.

  20. I am so glad this will be over soon. Everyone’s comment to everything for the past week has been “Well it doesn’t matter since the world is ending Saturday.” It wasn’t that funny the first time, definitely not funny the following 86 times.

    • ugh, or the “like if you don’t think the world is ending tomorrow.” stop trying to get likes, its not going to happen.

  21. Yo May 21st, I’m really happy for you and I’ma let you finish, but Y2K was the greatest end of the world of all time. OF ALL TIME!

    • oh man, Y2K was pretty epic, and you could buy those little clocks that countdown till the actual moment. I’m sure my dad still has one around that’s perpetually counting down to Y2K of the past because it couldn’t handle the lack of world ending.

      • If that clock were sentient, it would be having such an existential crisis right now due to a lack of purpose in life.

  22. so me being gay is the reason i didnt get killed in my car accident last night??? R.I.P. driver side mirror, R.I.P.

    p.s. love the kanye ref above me

  24. I was kind of really hoping that I’d wake up Sunday and all the religious nutjobs would be gone.

  25. What’s up with that Rasputin quote? Not that I don’t have a sneaking respect for Rasputin, but it seems a little out of character for the kind of people who go around putting up billboards about the Rapture. Don’t those people tend to be against sin, as a general priniciple?

  26. Pingback: Parting is Such Sassy Sorrow | adventuresundays

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