If You Are Sad, These Comment Awards Will Make You Happy I Promise

This week was depressing in news and everyone had to get real serious for a moment, so there weren’t that many funny comments. But you guys Santana is a lesbian. Everyone rejoice. I’ve never even seen an episode of Glee.

Some other special things from this week: Anton Hysen came out and Lindsay tells you why this is super important, we did a feature on Bklyn Boihood which makes everyone want to move to NYC, we had a mini-interview with Hesta Prynn who got her name from the book The Scarlet Letter which I read two summers ago and hated, Sister Spit is going on tour and you need to go, and DeAnne Smith reminisces on the unfashionable-ness of lesbians of yore.

Also here is a summer music festival guide which is a BFD for some people.

AND it was A;ex Vega’s birthday on Tuesday! Pure poetry week forever.

On 2011 Summer Music Festival Guide:

The You’re Looking Very K-Stew Today Award to idolatry, findquiet, AG:

On Pure Poetry #23: NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Knows Sex is Pure Poetry:

The Gay Marriage Award to Rockets:
I wish I was a rich gay. I’d totally love to spend a shit-ton of money on wedding favors and tuxedos… alas, (one day) it will probably end up being in a public park followed by a night out at the roller derby and a tailgate party finale in a bush somewhere. Oh yes… in a bush somewhere.

On Boehner Needs Your Money to Extend Your Gay Oppression via DOMA, is Clearly Bad at Budgets:

The No Quiche Left Behind Award to Bri, e, xglimpsex, Slevs, SomethingClever:

On Once More, With Feeling: DOMA Repeal Bill to be Introduced Wednesday, Celebrities Petition Obama:

The Picking & Choosing Award to MJ, Meer:

On It’s Design Director Alex’s Birthday!:

The All Of The Bad Romance Award to e:
i just noticed it and then showed the video to my three and five year old nephews. the three year old said “put that part again” and when i asked which part he said “every part”.

The Gavega Award to cynthia:
I bet you if the various sleeping pics were made into a stop-action movie, we could set it to a Lady Gaga song & the dance could be called “The Ladalex Gavega Dance” & it would be sooooo epic.

On Pretty Little Liars Episode 121 Recap: There’s a Monster at the End, She’s Probably Femme:

The Mystery Solved Award to allie:
9. Emily will get artifically inseminated because she feels the urge to get pregnant which is usually by the 3rd date. Paige will be shown floating dead in the school pool AND NO ONE KNOWS WHO DUNNIT! The baby will then be revealed to have been A.
you guys can thank me later for solving the series.

The Line Crossed Award to LL:
I thought this day would never come.
THE BOUNDS OF EMILY’S COMPASSION HAS BEEN REACHED.
Paige, seriously, you should know better.
Emily will tolerate you trying to drown her but SHE WILL NOT TOLERATE MOTHERFUCKING RUDENESS. FUCK.

On DeAnne Smith and the Unfashionable Utopia of Yore:

The Weirdest Shit Ever Award to e, diver, terracottatoes, Squid:

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Emily

Emily Choo started as an intern with Autostraddle when she was 18 years old. She's now 10 years older and lives in Toronto with her partner and cat. The defining moment of her career was when Riese said this about her: " I think Emily Choo is a very bright, 'poetically inclined' girl who pays attention to everything and knows almost everything (the point of stuff, how to read, how beautiful things feel, how scary things feel, etc.) but doesn't believe/accept/realize yet that she knows almost everything." She still doesn't believe she knows anything, so, thank you, Riese, for that.

Emily has written 100 articles for us.

43 Comments

  1. Ahahahh I’m lollin’… you guys are so awesome.

    With regards to Allie’s Pretty Little Liars “Emily will get artifically inseminated because she feels the urge to get pregnant which is usually by the 3rd date. Paige will be shown floating dead in the school pool AND NO ONE KNOWS WHO DUNNIT! The baby will then be revealed to have been A.”
    Have you guys seen the 4th season of Angel? Because yeah. This bears a striking resemblance.

  2. Guys, last night was TERRIBLE and not even terrible/awesome. I fell down while skating (sober) and wasn’t wearing wrist guards cuz I’m an ass and broke my wrist and I have no job or insurance or pain meds right now and I am miserable! But these did make me giggle…

        • when i got hit by a car, bcw made me take ibuprofen and i was like, whatever, because i’m a TANK and i need like 5 iburpofen to cure a headache so what the hell is that going to do for legitimately excruciating pains but you know what it actually worked. i think it’s the first time something over the counter has made a serious impact on what i perceived to be an incurable situation.

          also, marijuana?

          also you can go to the ER, they’re legally obligated to fix you and if you never pay your bill it won’t show up on your credit report.

          • I spent almost 5 hours in the ER last night. Turns out they only do temp casts there now, they don’t set bones or do full casts so I have to go to an ortho on Monday. $500 deposit due upfront!

          • :( i am giving you an imaginary plush tiger that is holding an imaginary plush sign that says, “rawr (get well soon)” i hope you do though.

  5. believe it or not, that’s not the first time i’ve won an award called The Weirdest Shit Ever award.

    thanks chooster, AS team, et al. vous etes tellement fines :)

  8. The quiche’s subversive nature is often undervalued. I’m glad Emily and autostraddle can appreciate it’s radical redefinition of pie.

    • I believe it’s Ezekiel 16:17, earlier in the chapter god had metaphorical sex with israel/jerusalem/someone and broke her metaphorical hymen; yeah, it’s a kind of strange chapter. MJ’s reference to equine-like genitals is from Ezekiel 23:20

      • Yeah, it’s Ezekiel 16:17. I posted it on my facebook saying “Awards for best bible verses, READY SET GO” and have since discovered that a good tagline for Ezekiel would be “The Book of Ezekiel: Basically, You’re all Whores”.

        Also check out Ezekiel 23:20. It might take you a minute.

Comments are closed.