Astrological Signs Ranked Based Entirely on My Personal Relationships

You may think your personal opinions about every astrological sign are correct, but actually mine are, even though mine are based entirely on my own baggage and dating history and no other criteria. When I see an astrology meme that makes Tauruses sound cool and normal? You better believe I’m going to leave a comment saying that “actually Tauruses are bad,” and I WILL leave out the part where I only think this because I was wronged by a Taurus one time. I’m clearly an expert and also a very regular person online. So, here are my rankings, from worst to best, of all the signs based entirely on my personal experiences and people I know!

Taurus

My worst ex was a Taurus, so clearly Taurus is a bad sign. I do not care about YOUR experience with Tauruses. I am right.

Aries

An Aries once psychologically tortured a good friend of mine, so now I hate all Aries.

Leo

I was raised by a Leo mother, and if you too were raised by a Leo mother, you know what a harrowing experience it can be.

Libra

Have you ever tried to make brunch plans with a Libra? This should be a horror movie premise.

Capricorn

One time I knew a Capricorn who was really annoying, so I assume they’re all probably at least a little bit annoying.

Virgo

All the strays Geminis and Scorpios are always catching should actually be directed at Virgos. Bitch ass sign.

Cancer

No gender essentialism but if we were only talking about Cancer men, this would be much lower on the list.

Aquarius

I don’t really know any Aquariuses, so my theory is they don’t actually exist.

Scorpio

Okay, these lil guys are actually so fun why are they always getting so much hate?!

Pisces

Absolute freaks! Plus, my best friend is a Pisces, so scientifically speaking Pisces are pretty great.

Sagittarius

This is the second best sign, because I am married to a Sag and I love my wife!

Gemini

This is the best sign, because it is MY sign.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1015 articles for us.

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