Q:
Hi,
My partner and I were planning to have a child together, but I started to feel increasing fear and dread about it as we started to take actual steps. Now I am not sure if I actually want a child. My partner is extremely hurt and said they don’t know if they can forgive me. I feel like a piece of shit, but I wanted to be honest with them and not push through those feelings when it was starting to feel like it was the wrong decision for me.
How do I move forward? Is there a way to move forward together? How do I deal with the fact that changing my mind deeply hurt my partner and altered the future they thought they were going to have? How do I repair the damage I have done?
A:
This is one of those incredibly difficult situations where you and your partner are both entitled to your feelings even though those feelings are at direct odds with each other.
Deciding whether you want to have a child is such a huge, life-altering decision, and for many of us, it’s not straightforward. Some people have always known they’ve wanted a child. Some people have always known they did not. I’ve also known people who thought they always knew which one they wanted and still changed their minds. I’m someone who changes my mind about this all the time, but early in my relationship with my now-wife, I landed on “I want to leave the door open to it.” It was not a definitive yes, but it was also not a definitive no. This felt best for me at the time (and fortunately did for my partner as well).
All of that is to say: It is normal and even honorable to change your mind about having kids. Because it is such a major decision! I don’t even need to know your reasons for why you have become uncertain to tell you they are valid. It would be way worse to go further with the process or even get all the way to having a kid and then realize you didn’t want this life. You are doing an incredibly difficult but ultimately mature and responsible thing by expressing your doubts now.
Now, I don’t need your reasons for your uncertainty, but I do feel like you should discuss them with your partner. This should happen in a neutral setting where the point is not to debate but only for you to talk and them to listen. You should then in turn listen to them discuss their reasons for wanting a child and why they feel hurt now. None of this should be about convincing the other person to change their mind.
This will be hard. It may even be the hardest thing you’ve ever been through together. But you both will have to decide how you want to proceed, and that could mean your life plans are no longer compatible with one another. Your partner is allowed to feel disappointed and frustrated, but at the end of the day, you have not harmed them. You have merely realized you don’t want the thing you thought you wanted. That is not deception. You are correct: You are doing the right thing by being honest about this being the wrong decision for you. In time, I’d hope your partner would come to understand this outcome is better than you pushing through your feelings and pursuing a choice you don’t actually want.
I know they probably said it in the moment and all these feelings are very raw and fresh, but your partner saying they aren’t sure if they can ever forgive you isn’t quite fair since again you have not done anything to intentionally hurt them. But then, I do understand that unintentional hurt can often happen in a relationship. Forgiveness for your change of heart will indeed be necessary for the relationship to continue in a healthy way. I just do not think it has to be entirely on you to repair the damage here. I think in addition to you listening to them and being open to and understanding of their feelings right now, they too have to meet you in the middle and understand how hard this decision is and where it comes from. None of this will be easy. All of it will take time. You will have to be open to multiple possible outcomes, including a seismic change or ending to the relationship. Mutual empathy will be key here. It is possible to acknowledge that your partner’s future has been completely altered while also not punishing yourself for the role you’ve played in that.
It is a hard decision you have made, one that has hurt the person you love. But a lot more people would have been hurt by the decision to go through with it against your own wishes. Your partner is allowed to grieve. They’re allowed to take time and space if they need it. Things will likely feel uncomfortable and tense, but relationships go through periods like that all the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. “Repair” might be the wrong thing to focus on, because I don’t think this can be repaired per se, but I also don’t say that in a doomsday way. This in many ways was a decision that transformed things, so a focus on transformation in the aftermath is what will be needed. You’ll have to reimagine the relationship and your shared future together.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Dear letter writer,
I find it incredibly courageous of you to speak your mind even though this might endanger your relationship. And it is so much better to do it now than when you have a child together and then you fully realize that you can’t do this, or don’t want to do this. It is crucial that people don’t ignore their red flags when it comes to kids, and pay attention to their early warning signs. I am a fan of honesty in advance. And sometimes, unfortunately, that can mean the end of a special relationship.
Your partner has the right to be hurt, and you have the right to change your mind. Both can be true at the same time.
Best of luck to you and your partner! I hope you can communicate with compassion and empathy for each other’s viewpoints, really see each other, and do this as a team, not from opposing sides. Whether you can work it out together or you decide you need to go your separate ways, the way you interact with one another in this challenging time can make a huge difference.
PS: There is a wonderful workbook that I can highly recommend for the process of finding out whether you want to become a parent or not (and also for the people who know for sure they want to become a parent, it is an amazing exploration): “Motherhood – Is It For Me?” by Denise L. Carlini and Ann Davidman.
https://www.motherhood-is-it-for-me-the-book.com/
It is a book by two female therapists who have been working on this topic for decades, one of whom is a lesbian. They also address homophobia, though it is very binary with mothers and fathers. I know that non-binary people use it as well, but just for everyone’s information.
The thing about having kids is that it MUST be an enthusiastic YES from all participating parties. You are entitled to your feelings, your partner is entitled to their feelings. But one yes/one no is not enough.
Good luck.