Q:
My partner and I have been cohabitating for two years now, it’s been pretty crazy time — we’ve just recently exited what was a pretty intense survival situation with an intense imbalance of caring/cared for (I was the carer). This has been running roughly the length of my relationship, it’s been full on and incredibly intimate and honestly it’s shocking how well we’ve navigated it. We’re coming out the other side and it’s awesome, I couldn’t be happier. It feels like we are cohabitating and we have all this history and deep bond but we are also kind of just starting to get to know each other in this beautiful, nurturing, almost teenage way — with the added benefit of our built up emotional skills and maturity that we’ve grown together so beautifully. It’s pretty great.
Our sex life has always been fun and intense, but it’s had the convenience of a degree of easy compatibility between us that hasn’t required much in the way of verbal communication (don’t get me wrong, we could have benefited from it, but also communicating about sensitive topics was challenging for a long time and we’re both pretty seriously messed up people to start with). But now it’s like okay, definitely time to make all the implied nonverbal stuff verbal! oh noooo~~~~
So. In bed, I have found myself thinking about calling her mommy. It has caught me off guard and gotten me off so hard and given the way that she engages with me, I have very strong reason to believe that she is into that dynamic. I have been struggling with a lot of shame about this but I’m also really excited. I think it’s safe to assume for the purposes of this letter that she’s into it too — she talks about mothering a lot, clearly gets a kick out of interacting with me and other people in her life in that way, and says she finds it affirming. If this isn’t something she’s interested in that’s a whole other thing, and I’ll navigate that okay — the issue for me right now is talking about it! (and puppyplay, and CNC, and…. etc etc…
A:
Oh hell yeah, I am SO glad you’re making your way out of a horrible time in life. Few things are greater than having that sense of surety that something horrible is passing and you can look to yourself again. The fact that this freshness is shaping your relationship positively? Even better. Massive credit to your efforts.
So I’m gonna address your quandary with two related topics: communicating through uncertainty and discussing new dynamics.
You’ve done well to point out that communicating sensitive issues can be difficult in your relationship. And I think we’re all happy for the easy, intuitive intimacy you share with your partner. A lot of relationships start showing cracks when communication difficulties meet sex. Even so, there’s a safe threshold for how far intuition and comfort can carry us before communication becomes a need. I think you’ve reached that stage where your interpersonal toolkit reaches its limits and things get a little scary.
I don’t think I need to write back to tell you how to communicate because I’m confident in your relationship’s ability to do that. Relationships that weather major stresses and still show a caring bond basically always have a working communicative foundation. Your foundation may look different from mine, but it’s clear your relationship is capable of handling difficult topics from a place of care. Instead, I’ll focus on the shame of calling someone mommy. Because there’s something inescapably taboo there.
I’m utterly familiar with negotiating shame and kink. At its heart, kink deviates from established social norms. That’s why it’s ‘kinky’. It’s literally a bit bent and unusual. Deviating from a norm isn’t shameful on its own. Shame shows up when that deviance meets the part of ourselves we haven’t spoken to yet. In a sexual context, that can manifest as being drawn to an act that others don’t find troubling, but we do. We find it so very awkward, strange, and hot. For many kinks, the discomfort we experience in that shame is part of the fun. My personal enjoyment of consensual non-consent (CNC) partly stems from the incongruity and wrongness of the whole act. If I started seeing CNC as normal, I’d probably lose interest pretty fast.
Aside from shame making us feel out-of-balance, there’s also the quality of unspoken needs. A sharply felt interest in something shameful to us often speaks to an existing need. I’d venture a guess that most people who participate in BDSM do so because they want to explore a complex relationship with control and power. I can speak for myself by saying that I like CNC because I’m very tightly wound and live by a strict rules-based order. Conversely, being the subject of CNC lets me fulfil an unmet need for unmitigated release. I can’t let go on my own so I get a little help.
So to cap off this thing of communication, the questions I’d like you to ask yourself aren’t about communicating with your partner. I think you have the essentials there. The questions are about communicating with yourself.
- What topics did I have a hard time bringing up to my partner in the past and can I see a pattern there?
- When I have discussed difficult topics with her in the past, was she receptive and understanding?
- If I were to start calling her ‘mommy’, which part of me would feel most soothed?
Next up, initiating discussions about a new dynamic.
I’ll start with my usual assurance: There’s nothing wrong with your kink or any kink practiced in a manner that respects bodily autonomy and well-being. Since we’re assuming she gets a kick out of stuff that’s adjacent to caregiving kink, I think you already have a good starting point. You’ve described a robust relationship that endures interpersonal pain. You have an established sex life rather than salvaging a shitty one by injecting kink into the relationship. Most importantly, your partner seems into some of the interactions tied to your kink.
Great start. Makes my job so much easier.
The best advice I can give you is something about starting small. You don’t have to spring ‘mommy’ on her in the first talk. That’s a major interest for you, but you’re also into other aspects of the potential dynamic. Giving submission, adding more caregiving into sex, etc. Those also need to be hashed out before starting a dynamic and they are much more approachable than telling her you want to call her mommy ASAP.
If the main topic you want to broach with her seems overwhelming, start with something adjacent and easier. It’ll help you invite her into your desire more gently while assuaging your fear a little. Maybe start with a conversation about adding a bit more carer/caregiving play to sex. That talk can bring her interests aboard too. ‘Mommy’ and ‘woof’ can cum later.
Starting with a smaller topic is also a foundation-laying step in opening a new dynamic. When we set out to reshape our relationship in some way, jumping into the heavy stuff can be destabilizing. Just like dating, first impressions matter, and it’s not helpful to take risks when people’s mental health and traumatic past are potentially in play. Kinky dynamics require persistent communication to uphold. Starting in a manageable place lets us build a good habit of talking regularly. It’s much easier to do sexual communication when it’s actually palatable.
I hope I’ve been helpful, but I also think you’ve got a lot of the important stuff in place to make this happen. It’s okay to feel kink-crazy when you discover something newly arousing in your partner. That’s the energy-intense vibe that many of us thrive on. But we still need to lay down some basics before the paddle comes out.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
