My spouse would rather not pretend to be someone they’re not, but I really want them there.
Q
Hey Autostraddle peeps. So I’m an ex-Mormon pansexual cis woman and my spouse of five years is AMAB non-binary and over the past few years has come to present their gender very fluidly, they often wear dresses, crop tops, makeup, etc. Where we live, they experience some microaggressions but we have a very queer community and social group and places where they can be themselves. They don’t take hormones or anything so their physical body still looks very “male.”
One of my sisters is getting married next year. My mom has told me in no uncertain terms that they would expect my spouse to wear a suit to the wedding and no makeup because their typical attire will “distract” everyone. I did already assume that was the case before my mom told me, but she was very firm. Also I know they will get misgendered all weekend. My spouse has said that they would prefer not to attend rather than have to pretend to be someone they’re not. But I really want them there. I have a hard time with my family, I love them so much but there is a lot of pain there, and I really want my spouse’s support. I also don’t get a lot of time off work but I have to take time off for this anyway and thought it could be a nice vacation for us outside of wedding things. I don’t know if it’s okay for me to push back on this though? Would love advice especially from other trans people on if it would be out of line for me to try to convince them to come or if that would be selfish of me to do?
A
Summer: First-off, good job escaping mormonism! For the actual issue… I don’t think it would be fair on your partner to request that they go masculine for the duration of the wedding. Queerness is part of who they are and ‘encouraging’ or coercing them to remove that against their will, even temporarily is a violation of their agency to be their gendered self. They’ve already indicated their discomfort with attending if being masculine is on the table, and that should be requested.
I’m trans and I would be… quite hurt if someone tried to convince me to do this. It’s happened before and I didn’t enjoy it. The experience is violating the whole time, and it would doubtless be much more violating if it came from my partner. There have been times when I’ve voluntarily put up my old masculine face because I felt it was important, but the difference is agency and my full willingness to do so. Consider how humiliating and discomforting it would be if a partner asked you to change your entire presentation and expression for people you know are openly hostile to you. I wouldn’t do such a thing because the last thing I’d want to do is to give in to the demands of people who detest me. In that position, I would also happily not show up.
Drew: I agree with Summer. I do not think that is a fair request from your partner. I also think that in terms of needing support from them when you’re around your family, you’ll get more support from afar via text/Facetime/etc. than if they were by your side and dealing with their own feelings that were coming up in that space.
Nico: I agree with Summer and Drew. Whatever happens at the wedding when you go solo, it would be far more hurtful and harmful to ask your partner to disguise themselves for the event. While it’s unfair of your family to even ask this of them, you have the option here to not perpetuate and add to that harm. The things you can control here are your own actions and your ability to show up as a caring and supportive partner.
Another option of course is to defy your family trying to dictate the way your partner presents, and to both attend the wedding as your authentic selves and buckle in for whatever misgendering and hostility you may experience. That option’s not for everyone, and it seems hard to do on a social and emotional level, and it’s totally understandable if your spouse isn’t up to it, but I do want to say that you’re an adult and you don’t actually have to obey your mom on this. While the people getting married can certainly make requests of their guests when it comes to things like the color of an outfit (like people who choose a few theme colors for their wedding celebration) or even the level of formality of attire, it is absolutely beyond the pale to ask someone, anyone, to wear or not wear makeup or clothing that aligns with their gender identity (or other identities like religious ones)! A trans or nonbinary person’s presence is not a “distraction” because we deserve to be in spaces along with everyone else, Mormon spaces or not.
I know it’s stressful, but it is on the partner whose family it is to navigate those relationships and to protect their partner from hostility coming from their family. Sometimes this looks like a partner not attending family gatherings. While this sucks, this is an opportunity to navigate this situation in a way that shows you see and value your spouse, and to demonstrate to your family that they don’t get to dictate the way that either of you show up in the world.
Penis Envy
Q
I’m lately fascinated by penises. I’m a 34 year old cis woman (though recently have wondered if I’m non-binary), a lesbian (or so I thought!) and would describe myself as a service top (that also likes to receive); I love to worship and pleasure women. I’m also in a 7-year-long committed monogamous relationship with a cis-woman. We have a varied, interesting sex life and in the last 5-6 years, I’ve felt more comfortable and in sync with my sexual self and exploring my needs through fantasising.
At some point I started having all kinds of gender-bending thoughts/fantasies, thinking it’d be cool to have a penis during sex, which turned into thinking more about how it would feel inside another woman, to ejaculate inside them, etc. These fantasies feel mostly great but also slightly confused.
I feel fantastic wearing a strap-on but it’s not something I’ve explored much in my current relationship, though my partner’s open to trying that and we’re planning to do so.
I’ve started wondering if I might be trans, but I don’t feel gender or body dysphoria. I love my body, which looks + feels androgynous enough to represent who I am on the inside.
The last few weeks I’ve started fantasising about being topped by someone with a penis. My topping fantasies were previously only about cis women, but now I’m fantasising about men with pensises. In these fantasies I’m a power bottom, in control and more experienced than my partners. Ultimately I’m very turned on by the idea of seeing a cis man with a penis, being inside me (and that is important here cause that’s where my focus is when fantasising), come undone through our interaction. Gut feel is that I don’t want to realise these fantasies in real life, but I can’t be sure.
I have had sex with men in the past, before realising it’s just women who my heart and body genuinely responds to. The sex with men varied from boring to stressful and never really made me feel anything overly positive. Having said that, I recognise that during those years I knew very little about my sexual self and my own pleasure and I don’t think I was in a position to even focus on myself and my pleasure during those encounters. I should perhaps also clarify here that all those exes were great humans and all interactions were consensual; I just never felt anything remotely close to what I felt when having sex with women.
So my question is… What the hell?? And how do I go about figuring out if I’m actual bi/pan (without leaving my partner who I am committed to and love deeply), if I need a penis to be happy (either mine and/or someone else’s), if the fantasies are just me trying to take my power back for all those past interaction which when thinking about make me feel like I wasted years of my life with guys or if all this is society’s heteronormative conditioning I’m still subscribed to at some deeper level? Sexuality really is a spectrum! Thanks folks
A
Summer: None of this sounds completely out-of-the-ordinary for someone with an open mind to sex. Our sexual inclinations always ebb and flow, and we can develop small fixations on certain parts of sex at unexpected times. If you don’t experience noticeable gender dysphoria, it’s possible that these are just a recurring fantasy that’ll come and go.
There are some mental experiments you can run to figure out if your fascination has more to do with a penis or the masculinity associated with it. We’ve established that you like the idea of having a penis during sex (sometimes), but how would you feel if that penis was paired with other masculine characteristics? If you had a much deeper voice and more body hair? If you were more muscular? Would that feel positive or ‘affirming’ to you, or would that elicit an ew response?
It’s entirely possible that your fascination with penises is just that. An interest in penises without being trans. It’s just that society has coded penises as so unambiguously masculine that thinking about them creates a link to the am-I-trans question? I’m a non-op trans woman and it took me a while to detach penises from masculinity. Turns out, there is such a thing as a feminine penis. But that’s a mental block that is unexpectedly hard to deal with if you’re not accustomed to it.
My advice? Keep an open mind, imagine yourself taking on different forms of masculinity, androgyny, and penile femininity. See which ones gross you out or make you happy. Look for insights. Enjoy yourself, and be yourself.
Nico: Fantasies can vary remarkably from the realities of what turn us on and get us off in real life, and that’s totally normal and perfectly okay! People fantasize about all kinds of things they wouldn’t particularly enjoy in practice — whether that’s kink that’s more extreme than anything they’re interested in IRL, having sex with monsters, or, yes, having sex with cis men when they don’t find cis men that attractive when in actual intimate situations with them. The thing to keep in mind is that even though you’re fantasizing about cis dudes, or whatever, the fantasy is all you, your mind, your brain turning you on. And while our fantasies could offer illumination into our psyches — they also don’t have to be that deep. You could just like fantasizing about the idea of cis dudes and considering there’s an entire booming market of romance books filled with cis dudes written by women and non-cis-dudes featuring fantasy versions of men that rarely or don’t exist in real life, after all, you’re not alone in that! If you want to call yourself bi, you can. That’s a call you get to make. You can explore your sexuality through books, movies, media, ethically made porn and erotica, all without leaving your monogamous relationship. You can decide you’re bisexual and then take it back at any point in the future, even. As you’ve pointed out, sexuality is a spectrum — and it also evolves over time.
Now, as for not having gender dysphoria, but maybe experiencing a kind of gender euphoria when it comes to imagining yourself with a penis. I’d encourage you to continue to explore this route! Not everyone who is non-binary or trans experiences gender dysphoria when it comes to their body or genitals, even if they have feelings and desires around having different body parts. So, all that is to say, dysphoria is totally not required for you to explore what it might be like to have a penis of your own.
I think strap-on sex is a great way for you to explore your relationship to your body and to the idea of having a penis. It’s awesome that both you and your partner are excited to explore strap-on sex, so you don’t even have to worry about it being something she wants, because she’s expressed that she does. You can also talk to your partner about incorporating fantasies and dirty talk into your strap-on sex. How do you feel if you refer to the dildo as your “penis” or your “cock” (or whatever makes sense to you) during sex? Would your partner be okay with role-playing you ejaculating into her? These are things you can try!
I also recommend the kind of mental exercises Summer talks about above. Is this about masculinity and perhaps not just penises? How does imagining yourself different ways make you feel? When you imagine attractive men, do they have any traits you want for yourself? Keep an open mind and know that, since you’re not in distress or anything, there’s no rush when it comes to getting to know yourself. It’s awesome that you’re in a relationship where you feel like you can explore your sexuality and identity, and I’m wishing you tons of luck on your journey!
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Q1: Definitely agree with all the advice not to ask your partner to pretend to be cis for the wedding. But as another potential compromise in relation to the vacation time problem, what if they traveled with you and you stayed a few extra days in the wedding location, but they didn’t attend the wedding stuff itself? That way you’d have your partner nearby to support you with your own family struggles, you’d get some time off together, and they wouldn’t have to deal with actually being in the harmful space.
Literally what I came here to suggest!!
Same! Thirding this idea.
this really is a fantastic idea!
Q1: I’d start by apologizing to your partner. You know the request is coming from a place of bigotry – you shouldn’t have even entertained it.
Next I’d think carefully if you want to draw a boundary with your family. “If you don’t invite my spouse to an event, I’m not coming” would be a very reasonable boundary to set. Or as Nico says, you could just show up with your spouse, if you’re both okay with high-conflict (“your spouse can come so long as they pretend to be a boy” is NOT a boundary that you should respect).
Then I’d reach out to your sister directly (I’m not convinced your mother is really speaking for your sister here), make it clear that you want to bring your spouse, and explain what you’d both be wearing so there’s no “you never told me they’d be wearing a dress” drama, and then double check that the invitation your mother gave to you and your spouse still stands.
And it sounds like at least some of your family sucks, so don’t be surprised if your spouse still doesn’t want to go if they’re invited. If they do go with you, make sure that you prepare to give support as well as receive it.
Q2: There’s a tweet I have saved that says “trans girls with dicks 🤝 cis women who get phalloplasty”. Genitals don’t equal gender, and that doesn’t change whether you’re cis, trans, or anything else!
(Also, “both” is an option for pants-parts. A hard-to-access option, often, but the option *exists*!)
As a nonbinary transfeminine person raised in an antiquated religious environment and long married to a cis woman, I really appreciate seeing this sort of situation come through the advice box.
(And I agree all around with the advice given! I hope the letter writer gets the empathy and space they want and deserve.)
Potential typo, though, while I’m here:
> They’ve already indicated their discomfort with attending if being masculine is on the table, and that should be requested.
I think the last word might have been intended as “respected”.