Q:
My partner and I aren’t necessarily experiencing full on lesbian bed death but maybe lesbian bed…dormancy? Or something close to death but also not THAT dramatic. We’re technically having sex but it has gotten very monotonous, almost mechanical, like we’re doing a chore. We’re getting off and it feels good, but something’s missing. I’m still wildly attracted to her and I think she feels the same for me, so it’s not an issue of a decrease in attraction. Moreso just that we’ve seemingly become comfortable doing the same things over and over. This started a couple months ago, and I can’t pinpoint much else that has changed in the relationship that could be an underlying source.
I know I need to talk to her about this if I’m wanting a change but I want tips on how to go about that in the best way. I don’t want her to think I’m bored. We’re both busy and we’re both comfortable with each other, so I get why some things have become rote. I don’t want to be like “let’s spice things up!” because for some reason that framing feels so idk…straight? to me. So much of the advice online doesn’t feel right for me. Again, just so straight. I just want to talk about how we can get to a place of more exploration in a way that feels chill but exciting for both of us without making it a WHOLE thing.
A:
I think this is extremely common in long-term relationships! Not only do you get comfortable, but you also get a good idea of how to best get each other off. When lives become busy, it’s tempting to prioritize efficiency and intensity. If a certain position or toy leads to a guaranteed orgasm, that’s the way you’re gonna go. Suddenly, sex starts feeling like a formula (or as you put it, mechanical): Do X and you’ll both Y (where the Y is orgasm).
I also hear you on the whole “how to spice things up in the bedroom” feeling like a v hetero framing, practically ripped from retro pages of Cosmo. I have a couple ideas for how to maybe take a more queer, more practical, less magaziney approach to the conversation with your partner and what comes of it. For starters, if you and your partner are indeed emphasizing “getting off” then I think it could be to reframe your thoughts there and be open to sexual encounters with each other that don’t necessarily prioritize or immediately lead to orgasm. Like I say above, it’s easy to become repetitive when the emphasis is on getting each other off quickly rather than on other expressions and sensations of pleasure. That’s where the conversation could potentially start! You could say you want to slow things down, do more foreplay, etc. You can start by adjusting your own expectations for sex and see if that unlocks something in the bedroom like you performing different roles or communicating with your partner differently. But I also advise having an actual conversation with your partner about reframing sex together this way, a conversation that would best be had in a non-sexual setting so it doesn’t feel like you’re springing something on her in the moment.
I also think so much conventional “how to spice things up” advice tends to be so broad. So, instead of telling your partner you broadly want to “try new things,” why don’t you start by identifying one specific thing you’d like to try. IS there something you’ve been wanting to try out? Or is there something you did sexually together earlier in your relationship that you haven’t done in a while that you’d like to do again? I think you can start there. Tell your partner you want to do a specific thing. That will introduce the idea of exploration in a tangible and achievable way, which can help it feel less overwhelming and more chill. Then it could open the floodgates for more exploration. You could ask your partner if there’s something she would like to try, too. That line of questioning might feel easier and lower pressure than a broader question about how she’s feeling about your sex life together overall. Of course, nothing wrong with asking direct questions about how she’s feeling about your sex life, but I do understand that in practice that can sometimes feel intimidating.
I guess what I’m saying is start small, then keep the momentum. It doesn’t sound like your sex life needs an overhaul, just a little jolt. Sex lives ebb and flow all the time, and you’re doing the right thing by being proactive about it. I feel pretty confident that you can get to a place of exploratory and varied sex. Accept that you might try some things out that don’t lead to the instant satisfaction of what you’ve been doing, and you’ll be hot to go!
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Just don’t try br**ding