Q:
My ex and I were together for about four years and had a bad breakup, mainly because I learned she was cheating on me with her best friend from college, which I’d long suspected but was convinced over and over was nothing to worry about. Well! That’s not even what I’m writing in about. I’m actually healed from that experience after tons of therapy and reflection. We’ve been broken up for five years and went no contact immediately after breakup up. So this is a person I don’t think about much except when it comes to some shared memories. But there are no residual feelings. I’m single now but have been in two brief relationships since and generally feel fine about my dating life and the personal growth I’ve done since her.
But all of the sudden I feel thrust into the past in a way I never expected, and it’s all because I accidentally discovered my ex is doing the art project we initially came up with together. I don’t want to get into too many specifics about the project since I don’t want anyone to be able to identify this (including her! no idea if she’ll read this! maybe I’ve already said too much!) but it’s a large-scale art project that we both dreamed up together and talked about extensively while we were dating, though we never got really far with it. This was our dream project, one we always planned to work on when we were both in more stable financial situations, which I guess she’s in now. We even applied to a few artist residencies and arts grants as collaborators for this specific project. At the risk of sounding dramatic, it was our baby. Part of my grief after our relationship ended had to do with the realization we’d never bring the project to fruition.
Jump to now. A few weeks ago, Instagram suggested an account for me to follow that made me do a double take, because it’s an account for this exact project! Called the exact thing we named it all those years ago. I did some additional digging even though I’m not typically an e-stalker with my exes but I was just so shocked and had to know if it was what I thought it was. Well, it was. She is doing this project we came up with together. And I feel like shit about it. Which makes me feel stupid. It shouldn’t matter. But I almost care more about this than I do about the fact that she’s still apparently with the girl she cheated on me with, which I found out about as a result of this lite stalking. Ugh it just has me so messed up. I don’t want to reach out. I also know I don’t actually “own” the idea, not that I’d try to sue or anything. I just want to know how to deal with this emotionally in a way that doesn’t involve her at all. And I want to know if other people have similar experiences. I guess I’m basically creatively jealous of an ex but also feel like something has been taken from me.
A:
Don’t beat yourself up here. As an artist/creative person myself, I would also take this really personally and struggle with it! It’s great that you’ve healed from the initial betrayal that led to your breakup, but it makes sense that this would feel like a betrayal all over again! Art can feel so personal and intimate. Your ex already presumably took a lot from you with the dishonesty and manipulation that often comes with long-term cheating, and now it feels like she has taken something else from you. The fact that so much time has passed perhaps even makes it feel worse for you. You thought you were done with these feelings, and now here they come bursting to the surface.
Don’t be too hard on yourself for feelings these feelings; that’ll only make you feel even worse. Let yourself feel the feelings for now. Then you can start to work through and move beyond them.
What your ex has done may not necessarily be full-on toxic, but it’s definitely not cool. There are some unspoken rules of breakups — especially bad ones — and it does feel like this has broken one of those. She has taken something that you both conceived together and claimed it as her own. Of course, we’re talking about an abstract form of “theft” here. But I think anyone who makes art will agree this isn’t kind or fair to do to someone. My most generous reading of the situation would be that perhaps your ex doesn’t remember you thought up this project together or thinks you wouldn’t care, but I honestly kind of doubt that’s the case given your description of just how significant this project was in your relationship.
Maybe your ex is hoping you’ll reach out. Maybe your ex just doesn’t care about how you would feel about this. Either way, it’s hurtful. But I think you’re also making the right call by not engaging. You’ve been no contact this long, and I take that to mean there’s good reason for it. (I’ve also been no contact for a while with an ex who cheated long-term, and I’m so grateful for it!) While this situation sucks, it isn’t worth breaking that no contact I don’t think. It likely wouldn’t accomplish anything other than further hurt and a drudging up of the past you seem uninterested in.
So, how to move forward? How are you feeling currently in your artistic life? If you’re feeling fulfilled by any creative projects currently, lean into those feelings. Embrace those projects. If you’re feeling unfulfilled or like something is missing from your creative life, how can you get to where you want to be? Just because you had a great idea for a creative project with your ex doesn’t mean that was the project you were meant to make. Whether your ex fails or succeeds in this endeavor has nothing to do with you. Her decision to pursue it on her own makes it her own; the thing you would have made together would have been something different entirely. That might sound frustrating, but I think it can actually be freeing. The thing she’s working on now may have been an idea birthed by y’all, but now it’s something else. That should make it easier to let go of it.
Also, don’t follow that Instagram. Don’t do any more cyber-stalking. I know it’s hard. But obsessing over your ex’s art isn’t going to get you anywhere. Focus on your own creative life and on developing ideas that are just yours.
I don’t know all the details of the cheating or the betrayals that came with it, but it sounds to me like the relationship probably wasn’t a good fit. It sounds like your life has gotten better since leaving the relationship. You’re feeling okay about your romantic life, and you’ve done personal growth. That’s great! So look at it this way: Your artistic life is better without her, too. If there was dysfunction in the romantic relationship, it’s quite likely there would have been dysfunction in the artistic relationship, too. You probably dodged a bullet! Imagine if you had gotten a big arts grant for the project or gotten pretty far with it or won awards or something and then you had found out about the cheating. In many ways, that situation could have been worse.
Creative jealousy is understandable in a lot of contexts, but especially this one. Here’s the thing: I don’t think jealously is always a bad thing. I think it can be a productive motivational factor. Your best “revenge” here isn’t to get even; it’s to invest in your own art and in making the things you want to make with little to no regard for your ex and what she’s up to. My guess is she’s thinking about you if she’s working on the project you came up with together, so don’t think about her! Take your time to be upset and frustrated, and then put everything you’ve got into making exactly the thing you want to make — just you, for you. Art should feel propulsive and generative and imaginative, not like something that’s stuck in the past. Your ex clearly doesn’t get that.
No advice for the questioner, but my sympathies. I inhabit fandom spaces, and had a similarly messy break up with someone I was planning a large-scale project with and then had to negotiate those insular and incestuous spaces _around_ them and their new boo. And they pulled this same shit on me. Terrible.
Having said that, any viewer of The L Word S5 knows what the OP has to do.