Like many homosexuals, I enjoy dressing up. Is there a theme? Terrific! Costumes, wigs? The freakier the better. And hey, who doesn’t love a fake mustache?
So yes, I adore Halloween (because of the aforementioned dress up opportunities, but also because of the candy, and yes, the alcohol). I’ve especially embraced donning outrageous costumes as I’ve gotten older, because my capacity for embarrassment is basically non-existent at this point. I want to put on a weirdass outfit and wear it out in public. I love when people say “what the hell are you supposed to be.” It’s called having a good time!
Here’s a list of Halloween costumes I’ve worn over the years (beginning in 2007 because I can’t find anything prior to that without digging into some truly heinous photo albums). Costumes are ranked and rated at my discretion.
Let’s go — fright night!
2007: Sober Little House on the Prairie
This was the year I had to work a table at the Fall Festival and was required to dress up by my boss. I grabbed something that I already owned that would be “literary themed.” That item of clothing wound up being the Laura Ingalls Wilder costume that my Grandma had made for my mother when she was 12-years-old. Was it too small? Yes. I could barely breathe when I tied the apron around my waist. The event went all day. I ate a lot of candy and then my stomach REALLY hurt, but what are you going to do? It’s free candy. It’s not like I was gonna say no.
Rating: One out of Ten Maple Sugar Candies (I gave one point because my grandma made the costume, and that is cool as hell, but I would not wear this again)
2007: Drunk Velma from Scooby Doo
That same year we threw a Halloween party at our very tiny duplex and I put together a Velma costume (including some orange knee high socks and a very short wig which did not suit me AT ALL). My red pleated skirt was incredibly short and way too tight. My stomach, again, hurt. I was wearing heels? Inside my house? All night long? I proceeded to drink half a dozen beers and then took a million photos of myself in this outfit doing “sexy” poses. The only photo that I kept from this entire debacle is the one featured here, which someone else took.
Rating: Three out of Five Scooby Snacks (I would not wear this costume again, but we did keep the wig around for many years; anyone who put it on looked as though they’d been electrocuted).
2008: Sober Red Riding Hood Re-Wear
I’d worn this costume several years prior in another attempt to look “sexy” — I went Downtown for Halloween with my friend, Heather, who put together her own DIY Playboy Bunny Costume. I’d worn knee highs and stiletto heels and a pushup bra. However, I needed another work-appropriate costume for my job at the library, which meant I pulled out the ol’ red cape and checked gingham and gallivanted around in flats for Storytime. My hair had a blonde stripe in it at this point because I thought this was a very cool look. I bleached this one section of my hair approximately every other month for over two years until the quality of the strands mimicked literal rubber bands. In my opinion, that’s the most frightening thing you’ll read here today.
Rating: Two out of Six Overdue Library Books (I would not wear this again, but I am proud of myself for reusing a costume, which means I’m helping save the planet).
2009: Rogue from X-men
During this same bleached hair period, I asked myself: Why not dress up as the character from the movie you watched who has your same hair (because I obviously stole her look). So I pulled on some long black gloves, threw on a black v-neck shirt, wrapped a skinny scarf around my neck, and braved the eighty degree Orlando weather to attend a party dressed as Rogue from X-men the Feature Film. There are no pictures of this costume because I walked into the event and quickly learned that I was the only one who’d dressed up?? People did not understand I was wearing a costume. They thought this was my actual sense of style. Mortifying.
Rating: None because there is no photographic evidence (Thank God).
2010: Mary Poppins
This was the year that I decided I would put together a work-friendly costume ahead of time rather than just re-wear something I didn’t like all that much. I went complete Poppins on this one, which means that I had everything down to the parrot head on the end of my umbrella. I was so hot in this outfit. Not in a sexy way; I mean it was an exceptionally hot October in Florida, and I was sweating to goddamn death under all this fabric. I was in a horrible mood the entire time. Never again.
Rating: None because there is no photographic evidence (again, Thank God).
2011: Marie Antoinette
You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson from my Poppins failure, but no — I persisted onward in my costume delusions. I decided that I wanted to wear something that required so much draping and fabric that I could house a family of four beneath my skirts. I bought this dress off a Professional Costuming Website, which means that I spent money I definitely didn’t have on something I would likely never wear again, all in a vain attempt to make myself happy for a single night. I bought another wig, this time a white one, and I also bought some Manic Panic white cake makeup and some black beauty patches for my cheek. I’ll be completely honest with you, this look slapped. I got compliments everywhere I went that night, which is good, because once again, I wound up attending a slew of parties where no one dressed up. At this point, I figured out that heterosexuals just didn’t like dressing up for costume parties and that’s why I was the only one wearing a weird outfit. I decided to embrace it. I stood tall in my costume and you know what? The air conditioning was pumping at these parties and I didn’t pass out from heat stroke, so I consider that a win.
Rating: Three out of Five Cakes that Marie Antoinette Proclaims You Can Eat (You know what? I wouldn’t wear this exact thing again, but I’d maybe do the Louis XIV version).
2012: Enid from Ghost World
Went back to basics and hosted another party at our tiny duplex, therefore ensuring that some gay people would come (which meant that people would show up wearing costumes). It worked! The pictures from this night are crazy fun, with people wearing a ton of cool stuff, including one of my best friends, Bota, who did an entire Lydia Deetz cosplay and stayed in character all night. I decided to go as Enid from the movie Ghost World, mostly because I already owned this Raptor t-shirt and it was excuse to wear my Docs and yes, to buy another wig. I thought I looked great in this and I had a lot of fun that night.
Rating: 10/10 party, no notes (would not wear again, though).
2013: Sober Mouseketeer
I needed another work appropriate costume, this time for the academic library where I ran InterLibrary Loan. My best friend Bota and I had recently started a reading series in Orlando and I had already ironed my name onto a shirt simply because I wanted to wear it to one of our literary events. No particular reason why. So, why not double up? Grab some mouse ears, pleated skirt. An easy costume that would be fine for the office.
Rating: Two out of Four Disney Adults (I would not wear this whole costume again, but I would wear the shirt, because I love attention and my own name).
2013: Drunk GOB from Arrested Development
That same year, we threw another Halloween party, this time at a new (larger) house that we’d recently moved into. The party was a blast and I have very few pictures from the night (mostly because I was having too much fun to take any). I already owned everything in this photo, including the puppet. We stan a resourceful queer!
Rating: Six out of Six Bananas in the Banana Stand (Yes, would one hundred percent wear this again — one of my favorite flannels and I’ve got puppets to spare).
2014: Marie Curie
This was hands-down the biggest Halloween party that we ever threw. I went all in on fabric again — look at the draping on that skirt, Jesus Christ — but this time I knew it would be fine, because it was my own house and I was running the air conditioning. There were around two dozen buttons on that high-necked shirt and by the end of the night I was so drunk I couldn’t get them unbuttoned myself, so I wound up pulling it open like the Hulk. Buttons rained all over the floor. The shoes were high and pointy and also buttoned at the top, making them a nightmare to take off. I bought this “science beaker” off Amazon and it’s a miracle I didn’t wind up breaking it when I went outside in the yard and played beer pong.
Rating: Seven out of Eight Nobel Prizes (I would not wear this again, simply because it was a one-time occurrence, but I did think it looked killer — and that’s not the radioactive elements talking).
2014: BONUS My Best Friend Dressed Up As Kristen Arnett
A highlight of the evening came when I was already hammered and a bunch of my friends showed up late to the party. One of them was my other best friend, Maria, who dressed in this outfit. I probably told ten different people how hot she looked that night, not realizing that she’d come to the party DRESSED AS ME. She even brought a bottle of beer to complete the look. As the night went on, she kept filling the empty beer bottle with wine and probably drank five of those. Then she passed out (a very Kristen move, bravo).
Rating: Ten out of Ten Kristens Approve This Look (Yes, I would wear this again, I basically wear this every day).
2015: Lance from Portlandia
I attended a Halloween party hosted by my best friend, Bota. It was a gay party, which means it was a good party and everyone wore costumes like they’re supposed to on Halloween night. I’d been watching a lot of Portlandia (hadn’t we all) and I thought to myself: “You know what? I bet I could wear a mustache and look just like that character Carrie Brownstein plays.” It turns out that I was right, this was an incredibly easy costume for me to pull together. When you put our photos side by side? You can barely spot the difference. This was also the beginning of my commitment to wearing costumes that include mustaches.
Rating: Five out of Five Pullout Kings (I’d wear this anywhere).
2016: The Metamorphosis
I found out about a party happening in New York City for a Literary Magazine I really liked, so I thought I would buy a plane ticket and fly up there to attend. But what kind of literary costume would I put together? The answer was obvious to this Florida writer: a cockroach. I bought brown tights and brown socks and a brown leotard, created antennae out of fuzzy pipe cleaners, and then hand-painted bug wings that I cut out of satin fabric and black netting. The result was very roach-like. I had someone take my picture while I crawled around on the ground so it would look extra authentic. I did not win the costume contest at the party, however; that award went to a woman who dressed up as global pollution (she even brought a can of skunk spray that she vigorously applied and reapplied to herself). She deserved that win. Good for her.
Rating: Six out of Seven Gregor Samsas (I can’t rank myself the highest because I didn’t win the costume contest, but I would wear this again).
2017: Party Down Catering
I didn’t host a party that year because I didn’t want to clean up afterward. No, I wanted to be hungover in peace the day after Halloween, lounging around eating cereal in my bathrobe, not collecting people’s empty beer bottles. So instead of party planning, my best friend Maria and I got dressed up and went down to our local independent movie theater to attend a midnight screening of Halloween (sidenote: my wife and I are current members of this theater; we’re usually there every other week for screenings). Maria dressed up in a Totoro onesie that I bought her a few years earlier and I dressed up as a member of Party Down catering, a show that I am (still) obsessed with. I even went online and bought my own serving tray and drink glasses, filled them with fake liquid and ice, then glued them to the corked surface of the tray. The funny thing about this costume was that servers at the theater kept trying to take my tray? Pretty good bit.
Rating: Three out of Three Are We Having Fun Yets????? (Would dress up like this again, no question).
2018: No Costume
I didn’t dress up this year? Or go to a party? I have no idea why! Some mysteries will never be solved. And maybe that’s the spookiest scare of all!
Rating: None, and that’s a crying shame.
2019: Couples Costume RIVERDALE
It’s the tail-end of book tour for my first novel, and my new girlfriend and I are in LOVE! So why not travel to Seattle and hang out with friends and attend several Halloween parties?? I’d never watched Riverdale, but Kayla liked it. That also meant I could simply wear a jacket and sneaker and jeans, which was good, because unlike Florida, it was actually cold outside in Seattle. Kayla and I had very quick sex in a photo booth here! Ah, romance!
Rating: Nine out of Nine Jingle Jangles (I’d wear this again – aside from my stint as GOB this costume was by far the most comfortable – plus now I’ve actually watched Riverdale).
2020: Lockdown Dirtbag
Kayla and I were living in Miami (VERY recent transplants after a hurried and scary move from a writing residency in Las Vegas). We weren’t leaving the house or meeting up with anyone new because of Covid. We decided to throw ourselves a party in our new apartment and dressed up in whatever was handy. I called this costume “Dirtbag” simply because I wore a captain’s jacket and sunglasses inside the house and then got drunk in jean shorts. Classic Kristen. Not a great costume over all, but I did discover that my girlfriend was extremely horny for me when I wore a mustache. My dog, Lola, was a hot dog. She definitely won best dressed that year.
Rating: Two out of Four Mustaches (I wouldn’t wear this again, but here’s a little known fact about this jacket: I wore it when I starred in a high school production of HMS Pinafore and played Sir Joseph Porter, first lord of the admiralty).
2021: Candyland
My friend Jami was having a blowout birthday party, so a bunch of us all traveled to New Orleans for the event. Kayla and I stayed a few days longer and just decided to do Halloween there. We went with a Candyland theme: She dressed as Queen Frostine and I was Lord Licorice. Once again, I really gave myself a bad time by picking a Halloween costume with a wild amount of fabric in a location that is specifically known for being hot. I carried around a bag of Twizzlers all night and ate dozens of them.
Rating: Two out of Three Gum Drops (Would not wear again, much too hot, and I lost my mustache somewhere in Jami’s backyard).
2022: Nandor the Relentless
We’d just left Miami and moved back to Orlando (my hometown that holds a very big piece of my heart) and decided we should host our own Halloween party. Kayla carved the insides out of a pumpkin, and we installed a bag of wine inside it. There were two kinds of chili! And then we dressed up as characters from What We Do in the Shadows. I decided to go as Nandor because honestly? He looks a lot like my Dad and guess what, I also look a lot like my Dad. I bought fancy vampire teeth, fake blood, and a Sports Jersey. To be completely honest, I looked incredible. People freaked out over this costume! And yes, I got to wear a mustache, which made Kayla horny. Lola, my dog, went as Creepy Paper. She stole the show.
Rating: Four out of Four Staten Island Vampires (this ruled, I still own all of it and will definitely wear it again).
2023: Jurassic Park
What scares me the most? Dinosaurs! And I think one of the hottest characters ever created is Jurassic Park’s Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern). My interests combined last year when my then-fiancé-now-wife put on a blond wig and khaki shorts to play a paleobotanist and I found a dinosaur head and a set of long fake claws and became a terrible lizard. We wore these costumes to our friend’s Halloween party and then we won the costume contest! The trophy now sits proudly on a shelf in our guest room.
Rating: Five out of Five Velociraptors (I can put this dinosaur head on any time I want — when I open my own jaws, the dinosaur roars, too — what a time to be alive).
Ur not supposed to have sex in public (unless it’s a gay party)