This week I am six months on testosterone, which means that currently and chemically, I am both a 30 year-old lesbian and a 13 year-old boy. What do these two demographics have in common other than an undying love for their hometown team, haircuts that haven’t quite been figured out yet, and an unresolved need for their fathers’ love and approval? If you guessed “horniness,” you’d be correct!

Ever since I was a young girl, I wanted to be a 30 year-old woman. “Thirty, flirty, and thriving” is the future I had signed off on during my first puberty and what I had been working towards until I realized I’m trans. I can still become thirty, flirty and thriving, of course, but I have to make a pit-stop at pre-pubescent boy before I can get there. Amongst changes in my skin texture, body hair, appetite, and voice is also a change in how I… let’s just say… get off.

When I was a closeted lesbian, around ages 17 to 21, when I needed a little time with myself I had a fantastic rotation of media that would always get the job done. I would type into Google or Youtube something along these lines:

“Well-written television scenes with two adult women who are in love and in a long term relationship share a passionate kiss after a long day at work with an intimacy coordinator present on set.”

Now, at 28 with a weekly dose of boy juice to my recently hairy belly, I am lucky if I can finish typing “Pornhub.com” into a private browser (I know they’re not really private!) before I… finish. This silly and sudden switch up in media consumption got me reflecting on the very good, very gay Youtube videos I’d frequent. As an act of kindness and perhaps public humiliation, I present to you a list of television shows I have never actually watched, but have for sure jerked off to.

Bette and Tina in season 5 episode 6 of The L Word

I have now, obviously, seen all of The L Word. But at the time, I had only watched the show through TiBette compilations, ultimately knowing nothing of their complete story line or relationship. The only thing that mattered to me was how much Bette loved to fuck Tina. Like holy shit. Say what you want about this couple, they can act the hell out of a sex scene.

Arizona and Lauren in Greys Anatomy

Similarly to The L Word, I have become a full blown Shondahead since my humble beginnings of searching for “blonde doctors kissing during storm.” I actually find it quite impressive that I put so much value in a 1:23 minute scene completely lacking any appropriate context for why that scene was so hot. I wasn’t and haven’t really been taken by many of the queer hookups happening on Grey’s but for some reason, this scene holds up. Is it the cheating? The blonde femme for femme of it all? Was I experiencing unresolved Peyton Sawyer feelings?

Archie Panjabi in The Good Wife

I have never watched so much of a proper minute of The Good Wife. If you asked me what this show was about, I’d tell you “It’s about a wife who is good.” What I could tell you, though, is every time stamp in which Archie Panjabi is kissing a woman. What’s her character’s name? Couldn’t tell you. What is her character’s job? Not a clue. Is she the good wife? From the clips I’ve watched, she seems like a very good wife to me!

Nicole and Waverly’s first kiss in Wynonna Earp

The Wynonna Earp kissing scenes I watched almost converted me into an actual viewer. Almost. I loved that one was red headed and taller. I liked the little one, too. I liked that the first kissing scene I stumbled upon was their first kiss and it was in an office on a couch. I liked that there was always this sense of fear or danger going on behind some really passionate make outs. I did totally think one of them was named Wynonna Earp until I actually read the titles of the clips I was watching. I still don’t know who or what Wynonna Earp is.

All of Willow and Tara’s kisses in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The cool and elder dykes reading this will be really mad at me for not having seen nor having any desire to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I’m going to be honest with you: I didn’t really even like these kissing scenes all that much. I was just so down bad to see two girls kiss that these ended up in the rotation. I suppose I am into the way Alyson Hannigan’s lips curl up with a smile or a flirt. This is another show where I’m like… okay neither of these people are naked Buffy? Who is slaying the vampires?

Lena and Stef in The Fosters

Something I really liked about The Fosters, despite never watching the show, is that they were moms. So hot. I should have been searching “moms kissing” more. Fuck!

Cophina kissing scenes in Orphan Black

My lesbian sister was obsessed with Orphan Black but I could never get into it. The most I could handle was occasionally checking back in to see who all was kissing each other. I learned the key phrase “Cophina” and didn’t ask any follow up questions.

Once my hormones balance out, I’d love to get back in touch with my roots, because there’s even more lesbian kissing happening on television now than there was in 2013.

Anyway, I think they should make a 13 Going on 30 trans masc remake called 30 Going on 13 and it’s just Jennifer Garner turning into young Mark Ruffalo. Judy Greer stays exactly the same because she’s perfect. Who can I pitch this to?

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