I couldn’t stop myself! Is this a sin I can never come back from?

Q:

So I read my girlfriend’s diary. I don’t want to get too into the details for obvious reasons. But she’s very into journaling. At the same time, she has always struggled to communicate her feelings to me. She has gone along with things and then told me much later she didn’t like that thing, like a sexual thing or something I made for dinner. This has made me a little paranoid that she is not always honest with me about what she wants and needs. The way she grew up, she was encouraged to swallow her feelings.

Recently while she was on a trip I gave in to temptation and sneaked a peek at some of her older diaries, telling myself it was ok because these ones wouldn’t be about me or our relationship. But it opened my eyes to a lot of her desires and anxieties that I did not know about before reading. Nothing surprised me, but I feel like I understand the roots of things I never understood before.

I couldn’t stop reading. I went even further and read up to when we first met, but I did stop before getting into us starting to date. But it was interesting to read what first attracted her to me. And I have used that information to improve our relationship. I surprised her with something I knew she’d like because of something I’d read and she was so happy. I’ve been able to get her to open up more than I was before because I have a better idea of where to start, to the point where she is sharing things that are in the journal, but now she’s said them to me, so it’s out in the open.

Then sometimes I wonder, what if we spend our entire lives together, would I ever have to tell her the truth? Have I committed a sin that I can never come back from? I am afraid if I tell her, she will feel violated and clam up even more. I don’t see a world in which I can tell her. But I can’t say that I wish I had never looked.

Summer: This is such an interesting question, and I have a feeling that you’re going to receive answers that match up to how each of us see ethics. Namely, the ethics of unknown harms and consequentialism — AKA the end justifies the means.

So, I’m normally a consequentialist. I tend to believe that outcomes matter more than how we achieve them, and I seek out polite but effective ways to do things that I think are ‘good’. Even if the steps I took to get there might be considered immoral to others. From a hard consequentialist perspective, what you’ve done here is ethical because you’ve wielded questionable means in pursuit of a positive impact.

But I’m also not a robot, so I can’t tell you that you did the right thing. The way I see it, you’ve violated her trust and privacy by doing something that was forbidden. Even if it wasn’t super expressly forbidden, I think we all know that diaries and private journals are private. Just because you used your knowledge to do good to her doesn’t erase the fact that violating her privacy is wrong. That just puts it into a gray area. One that is neither good for you to continue nor think about.

If you’re not willing to tell her the truth (which I understand), then I think the best thing you can do is to not do it again. Make a quiet commitment to yourself to not violate her privacy again, even if you think it’s for ‘her good’. Because she has a right to privacy, even if it doesn’t lead to the best possible outcome or source of joy in life. If you stop now, you can still write this event off as a misstep that you pulled yourself away from.

Kayla: As a writer and a journaler and someone who has felt surveilled in past relationships, I have you say your actions make me immediately distrustful, even just of the way you’re presenting the advice question. In answering advice, we’re often trying to see all sides of things, and while I do have empathy for your inability to receive accurate and emotionally truthful communication from your partner, this is an instance where I’m almost automatically taking her side on things because I see it as such a betrayal to read someone’s diary/journal. Were there other solutions explored to address the communication issues other than just talking about it? Couples therapy? Relationship trust-building exercises? I don’t think you’re a horrible person, but I do think you’re looking for quick and “easy” fixes to deeper problems by going to the journals, and not only is it not fair to your girlfriend, it’s not actually going to solve anything at all.

Drew: My first girlfriend was really bad at communicating her feelings to me and I spent our entire relationship desperate to understand what was going on with her. I understand the situation. I understand how tempting it would be to be granted a window into those thoughts and feelings.

But, ultimately, my girlfriend at the time was not ready to share those things or at least was not ready to share them with me. And, the person I was at the time, lacked the patience and communication skills to be well-suited for where she was at in her emotional journey.

It’s tricky, because my advice if you were asking whether or not to read the journal, would be absolutely don’t do that and if you find yourself wanting to violate that trust, it’s a sign your relationship isn’t working and should probably end. But here you are on the other side of that mistake and things are good.

Relationships are complicated and being a person — in all our flaws — is complicated. None of us can tell you if you should take this secret to your grave or put it out in the open and work through that fallout to a deeper honesty with your partner. Personally, I never want to be in a relationship with a big secret like that. For me, partnership is about total trust and honesty. I’d always feel a level of distance from my partner keeping this inside. But that’s just me.

Telling your partner — and apologizing — might lead to a deeper trust. It also might end your relationship. Those are the possibilities and the risks. But, no matter what you do, just never read her journal again.

Riese: I read my boyfriend’s diary once while he was in the shower and honestly did find useful information in there. I was 18 and insecure. He was 27, didn’t read books, and was going through a divorce — so this was not really a relationship on a journey towards a lifelong commitment. Eventually we broke up (because he was looking for a new wife and I was obviously not ready for that), but we stayed extremely close friends who kept hooking up for a very long time. A few months post-breakup he started being super weird to me, though, like doing things that felt deliberately antagonistic. He did this for about two weeks before finally — while we were all at a bar, and one of my close friends from high school was visiting me — revealing the source of his discontent: he had read my journal. We shared a locker at work, so it was in there, in my bag, and he’d clearly gone looking for it. He found an entry I’d written when we broke up — one of those things where you try to make yourself feel better about a breakup by listing all the reasons why it wouldn’t work with that person to begin with. Some of those things were petty. All of those things were private! I wasn’t even able to be mad at him for snooping, I had to fix our relationship by compensating for everything I’d written. Also I knew I didn’t have any ground to stand on, even if he didn’t know that. We sorted it out but man, the anxiety I felt in the interim period was wild. Anyhow, it has been my experience over and over again that every time in life that you compromise yourself ethically, it does come back around. The universe has its ways. I did what I did and then it was done to me, but worse. I don’t mean to sound like an evil fortune teller or anything, but I don’t know… as JoJo Siwa said ‘karma is a bitch.’ That said, I think the fact that you stopped reading before getting to the present tense is a crucial detail. Were I your girlfriend, I could forgive reading the older entries, but wouldn’t be able forgive a present-day snoop, which would feel like a really intense violation. (I probably still would b/c I forgive everything but that’s not your problem it’s mine)

Anyhow, did I have a point? I think the point is that what we write in our journals is private, and it exists in the context of all in which you’ve lived and what came before you. I’d be careful using the info you got in her diary, because you could be — for example — reading stuff she wrote while in a really terrible place trying to make herself feel better about being hurt, you know? Very little in life can be effectively taken out of context. Journal entries are perhaps the most extreme example of this. If you’re not able to tell her what you’ve done, I would, at least, attempt to wipe that knowledge from your mind and not continue to use it to improve your relationship. Stop the deception now.

Let’s help my cishet best friend be more gender-expansive at work!

Q:

My best (cishet) friend reached out to me, her best (queer cis) friend, to ask how she should address people in her very formal work setting in a way that is inclusive. She is often addressing individuals whose names she doesn’t necessarily know and wants to make sure she is being as respectful as she can be. I suggested “Mx” but wasn’t sure if that was the best answer and a cursory Google also wasn’t particularly helpful. I also would love to know the answer to this so if anyone has any suggestions or can speak from experience we would really appreciate it. Thanks!

Summer: Hmm yeah. See this is why pronoun pins can be helpful. Only a small minority of people on Earth will ever adopt pronoun pins. So, I think you’re right in seeing that ‘Mx.’ is both a valid gender neutral form of reference but also realizing that adoption isn’t common. Without buy-in from society, any attempt to change these forms of reference would at best, lead to polite confusion.

In my mind, having her start to insert a gender-neutral form of address without mainstream acceptance into work might not be successful. Even if it’s well-intentioned. Rather, I think she’d really benefit from exploring context-appropriate ways to convey that she’s queer-friendly and open to change.

If her workplace permits it, small displays of queer solidarity like a pronoun pin (or sticker in an office) show that she’s a ‘safe person’. Which makes queer people more likely to talk to her about their correct pronouns/forms of address. And of course, take the chance to talk to her about the importance of abiding by people’s requested pronouns and names when they do. Advising her on how she can make herself more comfortable to queer people but still meet her workplace norms paves the way for queer people to approach her when ready. That can save her the awkwardness of potentially addressing someone incorrectly or confusing them in a formal work environment. But leaves a door open and makes the world safer for queers.

Better name and pronoun inclusion is a two-way street. It relies on wider society to create a comfortable environment for us to express ourselves, but it also relies on us queers to talk to specify what we want to be called. Only in societal buy-in combined with queer openness can we find a middle ground that is neither presumptuous nor incredibly awkward.

I mean, most of the time, I’d rather people didn’t refer to me at all and stopped talking to me. But you’d only know that by getting to me. She/her is adequate enough for me. But everyone has their own story.

Drew: I think this is really dependent on what kind of workplace! It’s also tricky because I know certain employers require this kind of language and it puts people in a tricky position where keeping their jobs depends on using gendered language. But, if that’s not the case, I think it’s often very possible to be formal without being gendered. A host at a fancy restaurant could say, “Right this way, please” instead of “Right this way, sir.”

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