We just moved in together, but I don’t know if I actually like my girlfriend anymore?

Q:

I’ve been living with my girlfriend for about 6 months and we have been dating for about 2 years and I don’t know if I like them anymore. I remember maybe last month someone wrote about getting “the ick” for their partner, but this isn’t “the ick,” I don’t think. I’m just more annoyed by their presence most of the time. But I’m also very depressed and I think most people are getting on my nerves more than usual, which I haven’t told my gf because we don’t talk about that sort of stuff. which is probably a problem in and of itself.

I thought it was just getting adjusted to living together, but how long does that take? I care about them a lot and I don’t know how to express what I am feeling without making them feel bad about things I don’t think they can change (mostly related to ADHD/neurodivergence). But I feel like I can’t say “please stop talking to me and leave me alone in this house that we share.”

Moving out is not an option right now. And in typing this I’m seeing more things that are not great about this relationship or situation, so any thoughts would be lovely.

Kayla: It’s definitely a problem to never talk to your girlfriend about your mental health, especially if you are experiencing depression. There is no set time frame for how long it takes to get used to living with another person —a lot of it depends on your past relationship history, past living history, childhood, mental health, so many things! It can be a hard adjustment period for a while. What you have to decide is if it’s worth continuing down that path or not. I do think before you call it quits necessarily, you should try vocalizing more of your needs. If you need time to yourself, try saying that. Make some adjustments to your own behaviors and actually talk about what’s going on and see if that changes anything about the dynamic in your shared space.

Summer: Hey, I’ve been living with my girlfriend for like 5 years in a bachelor pad. We survived the pandemic in a one-room open floor plan space. There are a lot of adjustments you need to make to a shared space to make it more tolerable. And the bar gets set higher when mental distress is on the table. I totally understand what you’re going through.

So, I think you’re right in saying that depression is making the situation less bearable. Depression adds nothing positive to a life. Neurodivergence can become a bright spot in how someone lives or at worst, it can be ‘managed’ and accommodated. Depression just makes everything shit.

But saying that doesn’t make the problem go away. I’m just glad you’re recognizing that you have emotional and spatial needs and your situation is making it hard to deal with them.

Someone’s neurodivergent quirks and characteristics can also become amplified in ‘annoyance’ when you’re feeling bad. It happens to me and my girlfriend in our house. And I hate to say it, but it’s something we try to work through via conversation. Regular, gentle conversations with good intentions behind them.

I know you don’t want to deal with your feelings of ‘this is annoying’ by telling your girlfriend because that can be hurtful. But this needs to be discussed at a time when you’re both somewhat settled and have some energy. You need to express your support needs to your girlfriend so that they have a better idea of what’s on your mind, and why you’re feeling bad. They likewise deserve a space to have their needs heard and addressed. As long as you approach this from a perspective of ‘things are hard and I’d like to talk about them’ rather than reaching for blame and resentment, you’re working from a good starting point.

Communication is the foundation of relationships. It rises in importance when you’re living together and the shared complexity of your mental health collides. If the conversation is scary, consider writing a set of talking points beforehand or putting it in a written work to better express yourself. But you gotta communicate your needs or you will keep suffering in silence.

Riese: Just to add a little something — it’s possible that your girlfriend is already aware of your annoyance on some level, but just doesn’t know what’s going on, or has figured out ways to rationalize it to avoid getting down on herself too much. But I think it’d be ideal for both of you if you did actually figure out how to make it okay for you to sometimes say “please stop talking to me and leave me alone in this house that we share.” You don’t always have to be up for hanging out or talking with someone just because you live with them.

Poly in a small town, and it’s getting complicated!

Q:

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year. It’s a poly relationship & she has a husband. When we got together she was my only significant other, though we both talked explicitly about how that could and, I hoped, would change—I want a nesting partner and marriage ultimately and those aren’t things that she is available for, although she is interested in long term commitment. Now that I’m dating someone else seriously, she’s on board logically but is also jealous. All of this is complicated by the three of us being on the same rugby team (it’s a small town, same goes for the dating pool), which means very overlapping social circles and mandatory time in the same place as teammates.

Does anyone have tips for poly relationships in small communities? Tools to navigate jealousy when shared spaces are unavoidable? Thoughts on which of a partner’s feelings are their responsibility and which can be helped by better hinging?

Summer: See, I don’t know if the main issue here is that it’s a small town and you encounter each other a lot. Sure, that can be annoying, but I think that’s burying the main issue a bit.

The thing I latch onto is the fact that you and your girlfriend have incompatible relationship goals. It’s right there. You want marriage and a permanent nesting partner. She’s already married and isn’t available for what you want in the long-run. That incompatibility can only be managed via a broken heart or a massive change in priorities from one of the parties. Possibly both.

I also think that the added jealousy is a little unfair to you because someone whose life plans are incompatible with yours really shouldn’t be annoyed at you for pursuing your life plans. You’re allowed to pursue the life partner you want. You’re allowed to de-prioritise people in your life who don’t fit into that plan to seek your happiness. Unless you or your girlfriend’s situation or opinions on life partnership changes drastically, I’m not sure the situation can be maintained forever.

I do understand that being in a small town isn’t helping this. If you have to do something about your relationships in pursuit of your happiness, all I can say is that aiming to settle it tactfully and amicably is your best option.

Drew: Yeah, I think it’s more than fair to communicate that since she has a husband and isn’t available to be your nesting partner, there needs to be an understanding that you’re dating other people. And by understanding, I mean an understanding in action. That means if she has jealous feelings come up she processes them elsewhere or, if processed with you, frames those feelings as ones she knows she needs to work through. And then she actually has to work through them. I’m sure the fact that she knows the person you’re dating makes it a bit harder for her, and you can be compassionate about that, but at a certain point, especially with a limited dating pool, she needs to get over it.

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