It’s time, once again, for a completely scientifically sound test to reveal your deepest truths to yourself and also to the internet. Have you ever wondered what your sexuality is, really? Have you ever wondered what it is, D&D-wise? Well! Now you’ll know!
Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her wife, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, GALECA: The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Twitter and Instagram.
Heather has written 1718 articles for us.
I inspire the rest of the party with stand-up puns.
It didn’t post. Let’s try again.
I said “UGH, CLERIC” and was then treated to a nerd lecture from my girlfriend about why clerics are actually awesome and I could smite people.
I got Rogue, which seems eerily accurate to be honest!
I did not expect Cleric — frankly I expected Ranger for all the animal answers — but I’ll take it.
My partner just got Druid which was literally their most recent DnD class
Rogue for me!
Some might call you self-righteous, but you simply prefer “right,” because you are, almost always.
– i mean…
That’s because you’ve bound yourself to the sacred things and aren’t too bothered with what’s fleeting and ephemeral.
– i don’t know who the real housewives are, but can tell you all about the princess bride – so, check!
Your glamour and grace draw people to you, your wisdom keeps them there.
– oh well, win some, lose some, paladin.
as a true hobbit, picking between samwise and willow was so hard, heather!
i got cleric! here for it! haha I wonder what the options are!
My sexuality is monk! Which is not a sentence I expected to write. But I’m reading the A Day of Fallen Night right now and my favorite characters are the secret warrior nuns, so I’ll take it.
Druid? Not sure what to make of that.
The one time I played D&D was a cleric, and that was like 40 years ago.
I got Cleric – surprised but not mad about it.
The true gem of this quiz though is the knowledge that those gardening tote Vans exist
Bard? “Your sexuality is an art form, wielded with charisma and grace that entices people from all walks of life to sit still and hear your story. You are charm personified.”
When I have the equivalent personality to a rabid badger with a running chainsaw instead of a snout? I think something went wrong.
I got Paladin which I dislike but it’s true that I’m always right ;-)
Cleric! “Some might say your sexuality is a holy calling” as a religiously traumatized lesbian this was *chef’s kiss*. Also, I desperately need to own those utility vans!
Ranger: Strong, clever, deft, with a knack for getting even the wildest creatures to trust you, your sexuality can be as combative as it is healing.
I like that the picture comes with a bow and arrow 🏹
I got Ranger, which was the first class I ever played and what I tend to default to. Also everyone should read Last Night At the Telegraph Club, it’s super sweet. Now I’m off to find the frog of the week podcast!
Not going to lie, it was disappointing to read the title of the quiz, think “YES! This should be fun! Can I be a gentle barbarian? Are gentle barbarians valid?”
— only to open it and find out it is mainly another of these “choose an image” things, with most of them not being named, much less described. Normally I’d just shrug and pick at random, but this one has more image questions than usual. I know adding alt text to quizzes might be too much work for too little benefit, but it would be lovely, still. For things like hot sauce, podcasts, movies, etc. at least adding the name shouldn’t be too much trouble.
Ah well, I suppose I’ll just have to answer the quiz by myself, won’t I? Yes, I am a gentle barbarian, and yes, those are very fuckin’ valid. :)
How are Stewie’s shoes not an option?? With the shoes, hot sauce, and KStew I was winging it, but I actually did stop and pull Delilah Green off the shelf, so…
I felt like if I added Stewie’s shoes I would also have to add Elena Della Donne’s shoes and Candace Parker’s shoes be and then there’d be three out of eight basketball shoes, which, while that would suit my personal feet just fine, didn’t really offer enough variety for the larger group of people taking the quiz!
I got Monk, and it says a lot about me when I was like “oh, Happiest Season is my movie, no question”
1. 3/4 of my DnD party got the same class in this quiz as we are playing in our campaign.
2. It was surprising/disappointing that sriracha was not an option for hot sauce.
For some reason if you get barbarian, instead of it saying “your sexuality is barbarian” in the little image, it says “your wife is barbarian”. those are so different!!
also, i’d like to note that a lot of these books are not romance novels! they’re books with sapphic romance plots, but not romance novels.