Your Zodiac Sign as a Creepy Vintage Valentine’s Day Card

Fun fact: My great grandfather and great grandmother owned a card shop in Buffalo, NY. He was a poet, a dreamer, kind of a schemer (family lore said he made money during the Great Depression by buying day-old cakes from bakeries and then re-frosting them and selling them at a markup). My great grandmother was the shrewd one and forever telling him to copyright the poems he wrote for the cards, but he never did. My grandmother, who worked in the shop after she married my grandfather, would find some of his poems in contemporary Hallmark cards on occasion, living on behind someone else’s design. His cards were gorgeous. Think, a dove with paper feathers cut out and layered, the work done with a knife so delicate that the paper feathers felt soft to the touch. It really was a different time.

Speaking of different times, my grandmother ALSO used to say that every Valentine’s Day, each man who came into the shop would buy two gifts, “one for his wife and one for his sweetheart.” Truly love her use of the word “sweetheart” here. It’s very of the time. She’s also a Sagittarius, so she never let anyone tell her what to do and generally seemed unbothered by what most other people did or thought. She also once told me when I was four and we were sitting in her backyard and she was rocking me back and forth in the hammock, “a very wise man once said, ‘Hell is other people'” — and she would be right. Hell is also these creepy-ass Valentine’s Day cards. These are not my great grandfather’s cards, but what they ARE is an encapsulation of your energy based on your zodiac sign. Happy Valentine’s Day, you weirdo. No returns.

What Creepy Vintage Valentine’s Day Card Best Represents Your Zodiac Sign?

Aries

a vintage valentine with a nefarious looking clown child on it sticking out its tongue and holding an apple for no reason. message of love.

I feel like most days I can tolerate an Aries but not this one, not today. If this card came out today rightwing Youtubers would be calling it out for its Satanic imagery but in this case they would actually be onto something.

Taurus

a wide eyed disturbingly soulless looking child dressed as a butcher stares at you while slicing through a giant meat log. the words say "slicing baloney is not my line. i love you my valentine."

What does this even mean? I know Taurians love food, but I feel like that specific bologna right there is human meat. Normally Trader Joe’s isn’t like this!

Gemini

two anthropomorphized eggs fry in a cast iron pan while holding hands. text reads "maybe i'm just "small fry" but i'm a good egg with a heart of gold. be my valentine.

These eggs are gay, and so are you. They are also going to die.

Cancer

a superhero character of sorts blasts some kind of rays at a woman who is hiding behind a wall, blasting open a hole in the wall. she looks angry. text reeds "you built a wall so fast and strong but with my magic ray it won't last long!"

I don’t think she wants to talk to that person. In this image, the person who is trying to enjoy life behind their walls is the Cancer. Vade in pacem!

Leo

a very cutesy blonde looking pirate type with a heart on their pirate hat holds out a sword. text reads "let me take a stab at being your valentine"

There is no soul in those eyes, but there sure as heck is a point to that sword. Don’t be fooled by how cute a Leo is or by a certain lust you might have for gay and genderqueer pirates, their tongues will CUT YOU.

Virgo

a femme person wearing a scarf and knit cap with skis slung over her shoulder glares at the reader with heavily lashed eyes. in a heart, text reads "just wait till i start, i;mn going to ski right into your heart. you're mine."

There’s a decisiveness here that oozes Virgo, as well as a direct and unapologetic horniness that is also…very Virgo. Also, I can see a Virgo not even needing a sword to threaten. They could threaten you with skis. They could.

Libra

a semi realistic painting of a child shows it with its head cocked severely to the right, wearing a beret, giant neck bow, no shirt, suspenders, and little shorts and white sneakers. a palette in their hand oozes read and read blood like color pools at their feet where a red tube of paint is squeezing out.

Always. Always. Always compliment a Libra’s outfit. You don’t want to find out what happens if you forget.

Scorpio

a ghost with severe blue shadows around its eyes holds up its ghostly hands in a threatening manner. text reads on background hearts "don't scare me. be my valentine"

This Scorpio has never been scared a day in their life. They also look like they’ve been up for three days pounding Red Bulls and Kratom.

Sagittarius

a mouse dressed in shorts, a striped shirt, and a collared jacket with a giant bow screams as its leg is trapped in a mousetrap. text on a heart in the background reads "snap out of it and be my valentine"

The implication here is that the message on this card is being voiced by someone just off-page, watching their “Valentine” struggle in this moustrap. At least the outfit is dapper.

Capricorn

a blonde child in a plaid shacket holds an axe and stairs at the viewer with parted red lips and eyes that are too far apart. on hearts it reads "i'm axin you to be my valentine" there is also a stump

Capricorns love puns. We all love that one queer who chops wood on TikTok. I personally love that shacket she’s wearing right here and it looks great with the lipstick but at the same time I am seriously regretting going on a remote getaway in the woods with someone I’ve only been queer dating for like two weeks. It seemed so sexy! I loved that she planned it all out! But now I am suspecting there are some other plans happening here.

Aquarius

in this creepy image a giant cat licks a naked baby figure in a saucer. a heart with text on it reads "to me valentine" the saucer reads "you're all wet but i love you" and the baby looks stressed and the cat devious with large green eyes and a huge pink tongue.

Ah yes, the menacing water bearer. The energy of this one. There’s a lot to process.

Pisces

a blonde girl in a blue dress with a peter pan collar is being cooked in a giant cauldron. really excessive flames lick up from a pile of wood at the base. the cauldron says "you're sweet enough to eat my valentine."

I feel like a Pisces can actively look you in the eye and say they are doing one thing while doing something completely different, like boiling you alive.

Bonus:

Queers with Knives

a lad in a sailor outfit has one foot on a giant pocket knife and is pulling out the smaller blade with both hands while the larger one is already pulled out and gleaming. text on a heart background reads "you were just cut out to be my valentine. see the point?"

a kid in collared shirt and short and plaid hat holds a giant butter knife as tall as they are. text on a heart in the background reads "i'm on edge to cut in on your heart"

I am in no way comforted by the way they keep talking about “leave no trace.”

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Nico

Nico Hall is a Team Writer for Autostraddle (formerly Autostraddle's A+ and Fundraising Director and For Them's Membership and Editorial Ops person.) They write nonfiction both creative — and the more straightforward variety, too, as well as fiction. They are currently at work on a secret longform project. Nico is also haunted. You can find them on Twitter and Instagram. Here's their website, too.

Nico has written 236 articles for us.

34 Comments

  10. So disturbing but I cannot look away, truly an epic vintage train wreck of “romance” & its many discontents. As an Aries myself, the baby Pennywise brandishing a giant poison apple suggests perhaps some supernaturally bad experiences with Aries folks on your part, Nico…
    I’ll add however, that I have Cancer rising, & can relate a lot more to that sensitive person who wishes to be left alone in their fortress of solitude.
    And also I think the Capricorn is some kind of enby/genderqueer/androgynous cutie…their outfit totally slays (as will that axe)…

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