Quiz: Plan a Queer Fall Party and I’ll Tell You How You’re Cursed

From the same twisted mind that brought you “Decorate a House and I’ll Tell You Your Toxic Trait” comes an all-new “personality quiz” meant to drag you to hell and back. It is my firm belief that most people are cursed in some way. Whether you always end up with the grocery store cart with the wobbly wheel (ME!) or always end up moving into an apartment with inconsistent water pressure, everyone’s cursed. And if you’re queer, you’re cursed in a gay way. There are lots of specifically queer curses out there. Like, perhaps, you are always matching with people on Tinder with the same name as you or, perhaps, you’re always calling your girlfriend the name of your ex-wife — or the name of the dog you co-owned with your ex-wife. Or the classic queer curse: Always crushing on straight girls.

I’m here to tell you how exactly you are queer-cursed. All you have to do is plan a fall get-together. As always with my quizzes, I’m sorry and you’re welcome for whatever result you get. And remember, this is all in good fun!

(None of the queer curses I just mentioned in this intro are results on this quiz, because I want you to be surprised.)

First thing’s first: What are you calling your queer fall party on the invitations?(Required)
What’s the overall vibe of the party?(Required)
How are you sending the invitations?(Required)
What are you asking people to bring to the party on the invitation?(Required)
What time is the party starting?(Required)
Where are you shopping for decorations?(Required)
Okay, regardless of how you answered above, it’s time for a quick Target run. What are you buying for the party?(Required)
Who is your dream celebrity party guest?(Required)
What are you serving your guests to eat?(Required)
What’s something that would annoy you or create anxiety in regards to your party?(Required)
How do you hope people will describe your party?(Required)
Who’s the VIP at your party?(Required)
Who do you hope DOESN’T come to your party even though you did invite them?(Required)
What’s the music situation at your party?(Required)
How does the party end?(Required)

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 947 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. Your Doc Martens always give you blisters! This IS ME! Doc Marten torment is my curse! My brogue pair the sole fell off (?????) after just over a year, unfixably to all efforts, and my patterned pair STILL give my blisters. Perhaps a sign from the universe that my very first pair (perfect, wonderful, never hurts me) was meant to be my one and only?

  3. “Your plants keep dying” spookily accurate! Now where’s that haunted house with the hot gardener?

  4. Your Plants Keep Dying!

    This both true and misleading because I currently have 20 gorgeous plants and only a couple aren’t thriving right now. And one is 30 years old. But I know it’s only a matter of time until another one goes.

  6. Your Plants Keep Dying! 100% accurate. Heck, I’ve managed to kill Swedish Ivy without trying. These days, my relationship to plants is limited to tea bags and dried herbs.

  7. “Every time you find a gay show you like, it gets canceled” — one hundred per cent accurate, I’m sad to say. There have been too many to list, but recently The Wilds and Teenage Bounty Hunters were the cancellations that made me the angriest.

  8. my cat is indeed the VIP at every function i host!

    i got “your dog always interrupts you during sex” which is literally not true on multiple levels but vibes-true on all levels

  9. My dog literally interrupted the last time I had sex which is very rare these post-baby days and so even more annoying than usual!!

  10. “You run into an ex at every social function,” well, one of my best friends is also my ex so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ lololol

  11. The Hitachi dying at an inopportune time? I’ve never seen the quality of my love life described so succinctly before.

  12. This was published AS I WAS IN THE MIDDLE of hosting a queer fall party, so the timing couldn’t have been better.

  15. I guess the houseplants keep dying curse is accurate since I have already long accepted that I am not one for houseplant upkeep.

  17. i dont have sex or a dog but is my cat obsessed with trying to sit on me when she REALLY shouldn’t even be in the room? absolutely. i feel almost uncomfortably seen by this quiz lolol

Comments are closed.