This post was written by Valerie Anne and Meg Jones Wall
The more I get into D&D, the more it bleeds into my passion for television. I find myself thinking about TV character’s histories as “backstory” and accidentally calling side characters “NPCs.” I find myself imagining (and okay fine writing) scenes for my D&D characters as if they were moments from an episode of television. I started talking to my friends about what alignments we would assign to our fictional faves. So honestly it feels like it was just a matter of time until I roped one of my friends into imagining an adventuring party full of fictional queer women, so that’s exactly what Meg and I are here to do today.
Elena Alvarez, One Day at a Time: The DM
Meg: Detail-oriented, organized, and able to put 150% into every single project she touches, Elena would make a brilliant DM. I can absolutely imagine her building an elaborate and layered world for her players to get lost in, helping her friends build brilliant characters, and taking real glee in crafting difficult battle maps for combat scenarios. I can also absolutely imagine Alex making fun of her for wanting to play D&D, and then immediately building a complicated artificer and trying to beat Elena at her own game.
Valerie: You know Elena would be the kind of DM who wrote her own dungeons that tied in specific backstory elements for each of her players. The kind who would have entire encounters written but gleefully toss them aside when her players decide to do something chaotic instead. Lydia would probably overhear Elena practicing different NPC voices in her room and think she’s losing her mind or seeing ghosts.
Meg: I cannot stop laughing at the image of Lydia just staring in shocked horror while Elena DMs a combat with some hideous monster and makes grotesque noises while her players shriek and yell and strategize. Perfect.
Ryan Wilder, Batwoman: Fighter (chaotic good)
Valerie: I could see Ryan talks-to-her-plants Wilder going one of two ways with this. One: She’s actually super nerdy and super into it and already has three ideas for characters in her back pocket and was just waiting for someone to ask her to play. OR Two: She pretends like she’s too cool for D&D but she’ll play just to hang out and give it a try but then gets super into it and spends a lot of time researching feats to build the best fighter ever. And with her martial arts training, she’d be really great at describing different fighting flourishes and especially final blows.
Meg: I always think it’s so amazing when people who actually know how to do specific skills get to showcase them in a game. Being able to bring real-world knowledge on fighting and hand-to-hand combat is such a fun skill that makes those moments feel even more real and engaging. I feel like Ryan would be super technical in her descriptions in a way that pulls all of the other players right into the game and makes them feel like they’re all part of the action.
Willow Rosenberg, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wizard (neutral good)
Meg: This one felt easy. Willow may use the word witch rather than wizard but it’s the same practical application — spending time in dedicated study, constantly looking up spells and demons in musty old books, and slowly learning how to build up knowledge until you can wield magic with seemingly no effort. Willow was always a nerd but really comes into her true power once she latches onto witchcraft, especially given how close it brought her (ahem) to Tara.
Valerie: You know she’d be the notetaker of the group. Constantly thumbing through her notebook like it was a research tome every time they hear a familiar name or get a new clue. I think it could also be really healing for her to play a wizard who is like very against mind-manipulation magic and who once dabbled in the dark/necromantic arts but is Reformed and dedicated to using magic for Good now.
Adora, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power: Paladin (chaotic good)
Meg: Big sword, love of strategy, determined to save everyone even if it’s at the cost of her own life and happiness? Love She-Ra as a paladin. I could see a case for Adora being either lawful or chaotic, since she so bounces between the two — she has a strong sense of justice and lives by a moral code that comes from deep within herself, but she also jumps from idea to idea and tends to either spend hours building a complex planned strategy or run into a fight with guns (or sword) blazing. But she’s fighting for her friends, her community, which gives her magic and power beyond what herself. She represents a bigger cause, a beautiful ideal, and that makes her a perfect paladin.
Valerie: I think Adora would THINK she was a lawful good character but can’t help herself when it comes to running into dangerous scenarios. I agree that paladin is perfect for her, because she has the strength of She-Ras before her deep within, plus the ability to pick her friends up when they’re down with just a touch of healing magic. She’s an inspiring leader (most of the time) and also can cast Find Steed whenever she needs Swift Wind. (Oh god now I’m picturing Swift Wind playing D&D with them as Adora’s steed. It would be like if Critical Role‘s Vox Machina had a player character being Trinket.)
Meg: I wonder how many times Swift Wind would have to accidentally knock the entire combat board over before Elena made him sit on the other side of the room to play.
Annalise Keating, How to Get Away with Murder: Bard (lawful neutral)
Meg: So here’s the thing — we usually associate bards with musicians and artists, so this might feel like a strange choice. But Annalise is so smart, so charismatic, so clever with words and insights and ideas. She can talk anyone into anything, can talk herself into anything, knows how to navigate tight corners and work the system and find the secrets that will turn the tides in her favor. And what is that if not a bard? Her words, her intelligence, her sheer force of personality all give her magic and power that brings people to her side, whether they want to be there or not.
Valerie: Annalise would also know the rulebooks inside and out. Forget the mechanics of your spell? Don’t worry even though she’s never played a druid she knows how it works. She would be the one mentally keeping track of an enemy’s concentration spells, legendary reactions, etc so employ the best strategy. And like you said, probably is the face of the party who talks them out of plenty of sticky situations.
Meg: They’re called rules lawyers for a reason! Annalise would totally know the mechanics backwards and forwards, but would also be able to find those little loopholes and vague pieces that would like her outsmart the enemy. It’s always great to have a player like that in your party.
Harley Quinn, Harley Quinn: Monk (thinks she’s chaotic evil, is actually chaotic neutral)
Meg: Harley’s gymnastics background makes this one also feel really easy. Those fight sequences in Birds of Prey are absolutely flawless, and her creativity and ability to adapt to her surroundings, her speed, and her flexibility make Harley a brilliant monk. The chaos only adds to the fun.
In terms of alignment, I think Harley likes the idea of evil more than the evil itself. As long as she sticks with Ivy, I think she’ll stay on the neutral side of things.
Valerie: I go back and forth between imagining these characters playing D&D and them being D&D characters I want to build and play as. Harley would be fun either way. Though probably hard to keep her attention for long sessions, she’d be super into it, though I could also see her chucking dice across the room when they weren’t working in her favor. It’s also fun imagining Harley Quinn as a monk who has a baseball bat instead of a staff. And who has magic roller skates that appear on her feet whenever she casts Step of the Wind to dash.
Alex Danvers, Supergirl: Rogue (lawful good)
Meg: I think there’s an argument to be made for Alex as a fighter or a ranger too, but I like her as a rogue given that she is constantly doing recon and research, relying on her intelligence and quick reflexes to survive fights that would take out other humans with ease. She tends to put herself out in front, being the first one in and standing between danger and her friends, which feels like a very roguey (roguish? rogue-esque?) move to me. Plus she looks hot as fuck in black.
Valerie: Alex would be so into strategy. And loot! She’d get so excited every time she got a new magic dagger or protective gem. I think as a human rogue (with a non-human, super-strong sister) she’d also often be underestimated and written off as not the biggest threat, then she’d pop in there with some sneak attack action and show them what she’s made of. (PS. If imagining Alex as a person PLAYING D&D, you know Nia would absolutely be her DM and it would be amazing.)
Emma Hernandez, Vida: Barbarian (true neutral)
Valerie: This is another one I was originally thinking that Emma would love to PLAY a barbarian if someone ever managed to convince her to play D&D. She spends a lot of her days bottling up her feelings and I think it would be very cathartic for her to get out her frustrations by way of rage-punching knolls. That said, I think Emma as a character also embodies some of the traits of a good barbarian character, especially in that she’s stronger than she looks, she might not smile about it but she WILL protect the people who matter to her at all costs, and taking a metaphorical hit or two isn’t going to stop her from getting back up and persevering.
Heather: Oh hey! I can also imagine Emma saying, in that sort of sultry and sheepish Ashley Johnson way, “I would like to rage” — and then, once she’s in battle, just fully embracing it. I also think she has that barbarian class energy that’s seems like it’s out for itself but then ultimately turns into the person who sacrifices the most for her family.
Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp: Cleric (neutral good)
Meg: This girl was put on earth to heal people, and that’s a fact. Sensitive and patient, observant and kind, fiercely loyal and intensely generous, cleric just feels right. The fact that she’s also an angel and Aasimar is right there is icing on the cake.
Valerie: Waverly is SUCH a nerd and you KNOW she builds characters and writes backstories just for fun. But also yes we know Waverly is an angel and thus definitely Aasimar, but also definitely a cleric. If you’re on her side she’ll gently touch your face to heal you, and if you’re not she’ll gently touch your face and cast ‘inflict wounds’ for 3d10 necrotic damage. RIP Mam Clanton.
Nico Minoru, Marvel’s Runaways: Sorcerer (true neutral)
Valerie: This one almost felt like cheating since Nico is literally a sorcerer. But it also fits in the D&D context, since she comes from a line of sorcerers and it can get a little out of her own control sometimes. Nico IRL has mastery over the Command spell, and if she were playing a sorcerer in D&D would constantly be huffing about how magic did or did not work like a doctor watching Grey’s Anatomy.
Meg: Deeply love the idea of magical people having to play this game under the rules of fictional magic and learn a different set of mechanics that contradicts what they know to be true. I would watch that show.
Jamie Taylor, The Haunting of Bly Manor: Druid (neutral good)
Valerie: We were doing our best to try to come up with someone for as many classes as we could and when we said we needed a druid we were a little stumped for a second until I opened my dndbeyond account for inspiration and saw my twilight cleric who is literally named Calonyction Ipomoea after the moonflower that I was like DUH JAMIE OF COURSE. Druids worship nature and find peace and healing there, often relating more to plans than people, much like Jamie. Her presence is calming and healing and I bet she’d love to be able to turn into any animal she wants.
Meg: I never actually finished Haunting of Hill House (I know, I’m a bad friend, but I do still think your essay on it is fucking brilliant) but Jamie sounds lovely.
Valerie: Someday when we’re both vaccinated I’m coming over and we’re watching Hill House and Bly Manor together and it will be wonderful.
Nyssa al Ghul, CW’s Arrowverse: Ranger (true neutral)
Valerie: I mean…have you ever seen anyone as good with a bow and arrow? She has everything she needs to make a good D&D character: assassin training, traumatic background, daddy issues, an ex-girlfriend who is also a fighter. I think if Nyssa were PLAYING a ranger, she’d probably try to have a black canary as a companion and the DM would have to convince her that it’s not practical but since she’s stubborn and could snap your neck before you knew what was happening they’d probably custom-build a battle canary that was unnaturally large and had the stats of a giant eagle.
Meg: BATTLE. CANARY. This is everything I never knew I wanted.
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Arya Stark: Rogue (Chaotic Evil)
Arya’s all about sneaking into places, lying, wearing disguises, and sneak attacking her enemies. Rogue is a given. As for her alignment, let me do that in two pieces.
She has no allegiance to an organization. She joins them and leaves them as the moment takes her. She has no real feelings of fealty or loyalty to what might termed a liege. She has no betters, only peers. The only true loyalty she displays is to her family, and even then she came that close to murdering Sansa. Arya Stark is chaotic.
Arya is not above murder or dishonorably killing her enemies, even if they’re helpless. She employees poison. She is vengeful and enjoys the suffering of her enemies. The only reason that anybody thinks that she’s good is because the enemies that she’s chosen are evil. Arya Stark is Evil.
As for being queer, that’s really an interpretation on my part. I will swear unto my dying day that Maisie gave an interview where, when asked, she said that Arya should end up with Sansa.
In all, Arya Stark is a Chaotic Evil Rogue.
I recently played a ranger-druid whose familiar was a lizard-bird sort of thing who called herself Pretty Bird and believed that our entire party were her worshippers and my character was her chief priest. It certainly never occurred to her that she belonged to my character in any way or that we were her equals, much less superiors. We were at most the NPCs in her story. In sum, battle canaries are excellent.
Nomi and Amanita from Sense8 would make a great witch/rogue power couple: Nomi as the “wizard” who knows 1000+ spells and can do ridiculous amounts of damage from a distance, Amanita as the rogue with a high charisma score who will definitely bluff her way into a hospital and then set it on fire.
Wow Autostraddle giving me everything I didn’t know I needed yet again! I love y’all! Hard agree about all of these! Picturing Elena as DM and her fam’s reactions is giving me such joy rn. Also Heather popping up to talk about Emma took me out in the best way lol.