Q:
I have come to realize that I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life with my live-in partner of two years. Our disagreements on social distancing have caused a rift and have also caused me to lose some respect for my partner (they are much more lax about things). But thinking of breaking up seems almost impossible emotionally and financially, especially during a pandemic. I have been relying on my partner (probably too much) for emotional support during this time and feel I have lost my independence. I have social anxiety and not seeing friends has made it harder for me to reach out. I feel very alone outside of my partner and am scared of what might happen if we break up. To compound things, my partner recently bought a condo and I would feel guilty leaving them with a mortgage they can’t afford on their own. I’m not sure what they would do. I am also concerned about my ability to pay for my own rent if I moved out, and living with strangers seems very undesirable during a pandemic. It’s all so overwhelming. I just don’t know what to do.
A:
You’re not alone. Disagreements about COVID-19 practices are causing rifts between many couples right now, and rightfully so. The stakes are high, and when a partner or roommate doesn’t take adequate precautions, they’re putting your health and your life at risk, plus the health and lives of everyone around them. That’s not a good look. Transmitting a deadly virus doesn’t exactly say “I love you,” so it makes sense that this particular conflict is bringing up big questions about your relationship.
That said, I’m not clear on what you mean when you say your partner is “much more lax” about social distancing, and I don’t know what your own practices are. I’m not a doctor or a scientist, but according to the CDC, here’s what we should be doing during a surge: wearing masks in public spaces, remaining at least six feet away from others whenever possible, only having close, unmasked contact with people in our own households, avoiding non-essential errands, washing our hands often, and monitoring our health for COVID-19 symptoms. Immunocompromised people might take further precautions whenever possible. These practices aren’t foolproof, but they greatly reduce the spread of COVID-19, protecting our households and our communities.
Of course, essential workers still have to go to work, and if your partner falls into that category, some potential exposure might be unavoidable. However, if your partner is entering shared spaces without a mask, inviting friends into your home, spending time in other people’s homes, or regularly going on non-essential errands, that’s cause for concern. Rather than hash out “good” practices vs. “bad” practices, let’s focus on the fact that partners should decide on their pandemic practices together. It sounds like that hasn’t happened in your relationship, and if your partner has refused to read the research and hear your concerns, that’s a problem.
It also sounds like there might be some other issues in your relationship that are unrelated to the pandemic, or perhaps your partner’s response to the pandemic revealed who they really are. If enmeshment and shared rent are the main things keeping you and your partner together right now, that’s not a healthy, but here’s the good news: You have enough self-awareness to know that this relationship isn’t working for you. Considering that you’ve thought through the financial and logistical details of ending this relationship, it sounds like you know it’s time to get out. Getting clear on what you need is the first step, and you’ve done that! Congrats!
Breaking up with a live-in partner is hard, especially under these circumstances, but it’s possible — and it’s probably mentally and physically safer for you (and kinder to your partner) to end things sooner rather than later. Before you end the relationship, start seeking support from your friends. Social anxiety is the worst, but once you force yourself to break the pattern of isolation, reaching out can start to feel a little easier. Plus, asking your friends for support shows that you’d be willing to return the favor. We could all use a little extra kindness right now.
Once you feel confident asking others for help, it’s time to consider your housing options and start making a plan to move out. Changing your living situation can be overwhelming, so once you have your plan in place, make a list of all the logistical things that need to happen. This list should also include tasks that support your mental health during this shift, like getting a therapist if you don’t already have one or scheduling a weekly phone call with a specific friend. When you break a big task into smaller chunks, it starts to feel much more manageable.
Now let’s talk options. The fact that you’re sharing your partner’s condo rather than an apartment makes this uncoupling more financially taxing for your partner, but if your partner is refusing to respect your overall well-being by actively putting your life at risk, then you are not responsible for their financial well-being. That said, there are certainly ways to undo a co-housing situation that would be easier on your partner. Do you have a friend or relative who is taking adequate pandemic precautions? If a trusted loved one will let you temporarily stay with them rent-free, you can continue to contribute to your partner’s mortgage while they work towards finding a roommate or renting out their condo (if that’s possible given the condo association’s bylaws). This is a courtesy, not a necessity. If you choose this route, be clear about how much you’re willing to contribute and how long you’re willing to offer your financial support.
If you don’t have a safe place where you can stay for free, it’s time to look into other arrangements. Moving during a pandemic is not ideal, but it’s definitely possible. Even if you don’t have the funds to rent your own place, there are people just like you who are taking adequate COVID-19 precautions and need an equally responsible roommate. When you search online for apartments, use search terms “COVID-19″ or “social distancing” to find the folks who are taking the pandemic seriously.
After you’ve considered all of the possibilities, you have to do the actual breaking up part. It sounds like you’re already being really thoughtful about how a breakup could affect your partner, so I don’t need to remind you to be kind. I will, however, remind you to be clear about your reasons for ending the relationship, your plans for your living situation, and your boundaries around post-breakup contact. Once the emotional dust has settled (and if your partner is willing to work with you on this), start making a plan to untangle your living situation.
It’s easy to let go of the ways you usually care for yourself when you’re neck deep in post-breakup logistics, so try to keep up with at least a couple of practices that are easy to maintain. Those practices might look like daily journaling or walking outside or refilling your prescriptions or maintaining your elaborate skincare routine. If you’re feeling stuck, Autostraddle has published a ton of articles about how to get through a breakup and enjoy your single life on the other side. If you find yourself falling into a pit of guilt and shame, give yourself a pat on the back for making the choice to put yourself first. You deserve to be safe and healthy during this pandemic, you deserve to be surrounded by people who have your best interests in mind, and you deserve to date someone who shares your values and enhances your life. You can do it! Good luck!
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Finally, something I’m an expert in. I told my ex I wanted to divorce and left earlier this year. There were a lot of reasons, but the way they handled social distancing helped put me over the top. If you can’t make big decisions together, and you’ve made the effort, you don’t owe them a relationship (technically you never do). I assume this is more like the straw that broke the camel’s back for you and not the first thing that made you want to remodel your life during a pandemic. If so…step one, start brainstorming what you want your life to look like, with no limits. Get wild and then start figuring out what is possible and what appeals to you. If you need to move out, you can find a way to make it work even if it sucks for a while. Step two (to be performed concurrently), get in touch with friends/family/kind randos on the internet and start talking about your feelings. You need support and to get reality checks. Step three, care for yourself with journaling/therapy/walks/whatever because this is hard. But the more you take care of yourself, the clearer your objectives will become.
The writer is entitled to look out for their safety without guilt. They should not feel obligated to help pay the mortgage on a condo that they don’t own and will no longer occupy. If their partner is unwilling to respect their boundaries during a deadly pandemic, then said partner will need to accept the consequences. No need for the writer to try and take care of their sh*t, that’s just our conditioning as femme folx and it needs to stop.
Seconding this. If your name isn’t on the mortgage, it’s not your responsibility. Your partner took on that financial obligation, not you. Don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you because you feel like you owe them financially especially when it’s truly their responsibility, not yours.
The writer didn’t go into detail on this, but: your partner bought a condo, you live with them, and you pay them rent which they rely on? I think it sounds irresponsible of your partner to buy a condo they can’t afford on their own, IF they planned to rely on your rent payment to help pay the mortgage. That’s not your responsibility, and if their plan was always to have a roommate, then it won’t be a problem to find another.
I live with my partner, she owns her home, and I pay her rent. I basically signed a lease when I moved in. Legal services can be expensive, but if your partner is in a position to buy a condo, they should protect themself by drawing up a roommate agreement. You’re not on the hook for their financial choices.
I’m frustrated recently by autostraddle not engaging in the nuance of social distancing. I think there’s a lot of ways someone can disagree with social distancing practices and it doesn’t mean one person is putting the other’s safety at risk. Some examples of situations that are complicated: when someone works outside of the house, how much should someone have to push back on their superiors for better PPE? What about offering a ride to a friend (or stranger) who needs help getting to the doctor? What about inviting a friend who lives alone and is struggling with isolation into your “pod”? What about attending a protest? I’ve had disagreements about all these things with my partner/roommates and wouldn’t say that I think they are being disrespectful of my safety or threatening my life when we disagree.
i can really appreciate the points you listed are reasons why someone might want/need to risk contravening physical distancing, but they do pose risk. that risk does transfer to the people they live with. this version of corona virus is an efficient infectious agent that has long term/fatal consequences for a lot of people. any contact, even if necessary, risks those consequences.
conflating what may be good reasons for assuming that risk with it not existing is bit slippery. it sounds like you and your partner/roommates are able to work through it. that’s a blessing in these times.
I appreciate this. I live in a household with 2 of my partners, live next to 2 others, plus 2 roommates, and half of us work with the public. We’ve had a lot of conversations, arguments, and sacrifices over the confines of social distancing. Like, I seriously wish I could work from home, but that’s not my reality. I’ve had to call out the hypocrisy of partners going to protests while arguing against me visiting my family (with precautions in place) or treating one pod member as a leper when they had potential exposure despite the fact my job puts me at significantly higher risk of exposure daily. Some of the ways some of my partners reacted at times were disproportionate and felt overly controlling, but I know they were not malicious, just as my decisions about going to work or checking in with family wasn’t done without great forethought and risk assessment.
Emotions are high, we are all scared, and that’s affecting our reactions and testing us in ways we weren’t expecting.
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