Welcome to a new segment called YES NO MAYBE! During one of my day jobs, I encounter a lot of sex toys. What I’ve learned from this is that there are some SMART insightful and ingenious sex toys out there that think about usability and variety and bodies. And then there are sex toys that… have not… exactly been thought out. And then there are toys that are just beyond anything I could have imagined and that’s equally exciting!
This is where YES NO MAYBE comes in! Let’s collectively share our thoughts in the comments about the following toys! Tell me if you’d give an ENTHUSIASTIC YES to a toy! Is it something you’d put on or in your bod? A giant MAYBE to a toy we’re unsure about? Or maybe you’d vote HELL NO to all of them!
Autostraddle and I are not endorsed by any of these toys or companies. This segment isn’t meant to shame any toy or company that exists — if it’s out there it’s because someone’s weird wild brain imagined it and THAT alone should be celebrated! Let’s not yuck anyone’s yum while spilling if yes, we want a rainbow silicone popsicle in our bits.
Gbulb
Alright, this is the one I’ve been most excited about discussing! A pink silicone light bulb–YEAH SURE WHY NOT! You know how real light bulbs don’t vibrate and are made of dangerous breakable glass? Not Gbulb! This vibrator is one I’ve been lucky enough to touch in person and they aren’t lying when they say it’s got a bit of squish to the silicone. The biggest downside imo is that we can’t insert it! I’m not sure why, obviously it’s not anal safe but not even vaginal? Isn’t the point of silicone toys that mimic things made of glass to make them body safe? Tell me what you all think, but I’m gonna give this one an enthusiastic YES for the sole reason of their weird cow advertising!
Scorpion Sex Chair
This is awesome, 10 outta 10, would put into my living room.
Siime Camera Vibrator
Siime is a small insertable vibrator that also has a camera attached! And a little light! You can watch and record this vibrator during foreplay and during penetration. “No secrets would be hidden from the the eye of Siime… not only brings you a feast to the eye, but also make you pay more attention to the health of your private parts whenever you want.” Honestly, I’m sold.
Nipple Bulb
My kingdom of garbage for a nipple suction toy that’s easy, small, and that stays on during play. Is this the one? I kinda doubt it but I’d give it a try regardless. I love how easy the suction looks to use! One of the things I hate about nipple twisters is how much work it is for my hands/dexterity and this seems like a rad accessible alternative. PLUS it includes “nipple O-rings to keep your nipples hard and perky.” These don’t sound like they’d work at all for my chest but maybe????
Steam Hunk Super Soft Dildo
If you’ve always wanted to fuck a rocket, then who are we to stop you! “In an era of increasing social anxiety, why not escape to a Sci-Fi world of your wildest imagination.” Damn. They have a point!
Wine Glass Butt Plug
I’M THIRSTY AND THIS IS AN ENTHUSIASTIC YES FROM ME.
Your turn! What would you say yes, no and maybe to?
I want the stories behind all of these ideas because my answer isn’t a yes, no or maybe to all of them, it’s a why?
The wine glass would take some impressive manoeuvring not to spill anything, I can see it leading to a lot of laughing but not much else…
That chair looks like a sculpture Lydia’s mother is moving into the Beetlejuice house, to ghost Geena Davis’s utter dismay.
oh my god give yourself a comment award, QG 😂 that is the perfect description!
Would 100% use the rocket ship one. It looks like it’s right up my alley (heh). I am pleased at how many good non-realistic toys there are. Would also use the non-insertable lightbulb, because it is hilarious and also just a fun design.
My main thing against the camera one is that I won’t use anything that connects to an app or the internet / is at risk of being hacked. I also just? don’t find the idea sexy? I would probably just be like “YOOOO THAT’S THE INSIDE OF MY BODY? FASCINATING!” and then immediately stick it up my nose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“ I would probably just be like “YOOOO THAT’S THE INSIDE OF MY BODY? FASCINATING!” and then immediately stick it up my nose.”
This made me laugh out loud which I really needed as I have reached a point this week of being sick of straight people (colleagues) and have two more days still to go.
My first thought was “OH! I can check my IUD strings!”
First thought: I really want the nipple bulbs to be light up light bulbs.
As do presumably any burlesque performers reading this.
100% of these bonkers, diverse comments are perfect and transcendent, FYI
The camera doesn’t have wi-fi or bluetooth. I think you can only see the pictures after it was taken on your computer.
OK but all day I’ve been worried about someone breaking the wine glass
Wow that comment posted in two places and I don’t even know how I managed accidental dual penetration, but do I get a badge?
omg u should get a badge for this comment XD
I wouldn’t use anything that connects to an app or the internet and isn’t 100% open source. I want to be able to dig in and verify that it isn’t sinister or buggy, darnit! And maybe do fun things like play a vibrator like a theremin.
I think I’d try the rocket dildo if it was on sale or gifted to me, but I’m a bit particular about the dildos I spend good money on lol. It looks like fun and I can definitely see my partner and I making a lot of jokes with it!
I’d buy the nipple bulbs, even if they don’t really work, just for the visual joy of putting them on my partner’s nipples and then wobbling them around and laughing. Can you tell I like laughing while I have sex?
Everything else is a gentle “eh, not my style” for me, but I’m so glad things like these exist in the world
I misread Siime as ‘Slime’ and just couldn’t after that.
Same!
Same same same
Light bulb: No thank you. I prefer vibrations that are more focused rather than spread out. I am charmed by most “vibrators-that-look-like-other-things,” though, and think it looks real cute.
Scorpion chair: YES, yes, a million times yes! And then I’d get one of those coffin bookshelves to go with it and my room would just be peak goth dom aesthetic.
Camera vibe: Nooo, I really don’t want to see what my insides look like? My stepmother made me watch those Discovery Health “Birth Day” shows (the ones that show women giving birth! And like, the whole thing, not just TV births where they show the doctor through a curtain, and then they’re handing you a baby. There was blood, and membranes, and just… a lot of stuff 10-year-old me would not have sought out on my own). At this point I feel fairly confident saying I do not want to see my insides or those of my partner.
omg those discovery birth episodes I REMEMBER THOSE!
I literally made an account specifically to be able to comment on this post. You’ve got my sex toy reviewer feels all a’flutter! YAY NORMALIZING TALKING ABOUT SEX TOYS.
GBulb: Gentle no from me. I’ve got thicker outer labia and it’ll be too much of a hassle to situate it where it needs to be.
Scorpion Chair: It looks like it’s from Beetlejuice, I love it, YES.
Siime Camera: Yes.
Nipple Bulb: No. I own a similar set and it’s useless.
Steam Hunk: Yes. Tantus sent me a different toy of theirs in their Super Soft silicone (which I recommend to most folks over their regular silicone – the soft density has a nice squish but isn’t floppy, their regular silicone is super rigid) and I love it.
Wine Glass Plug: Maybe. The base doesn’t look as flared as I’d like for safe anal play.. and I like t-shaped bases more, since they fit between between butt cheeks.
that wine glass is really gonna change the game for the 2019 annual thirst games.
This my new favorite seires. I also wonder how bad that camera vibrator is. It has a selfie light so that might make it a bit better, but also at a $180 it’s a bit much for an impulse buy for me.
OK but all day I’ve been worried about someone breaking the wine glass
like during a jewish wedding ceremony or..?
Good question. Could be a good mazal tov moment at the BDSM party.
Gbulb: pink, bleh, but love the design otherwise.
Scorpion sex chair: reminds me of 90s Command & Conquer games.
Camera vibrator: I’m down for that.
Steam Hunk: I have one and it is amazing. It’s as much art as it is a dildo, and it performs well too.
Wine Glass Butt Plug: give it a 90 degree bend and it might be practical, otherwise you need your sub constantly prone.
Hmm if they stayed prone you’d need a straw. Maybe in downward dog, bending their knees each time you want a sip?
(Never did I ever imagine that I would one day find myself contemplating the logistics of drinking wine out of someone’s butt yet here we are)
honestly i just want one body under the person wearing it so their face is constantly splashed by champagne that spills out of it!
and yes, I’m imagining this with champagne instead of wine!
The item description says the pieces are made to order, so I’m sure they could do that? Although I’m not sure how easy glass blowing is.
…Aand now I’m trying to make a glass blowing double entendre.
Light bulb: No thank you. I prefer vibrations that are more focused rather than spread out. I am charmed by most “vibrators-that-look-like-other-things,” though, and think it looks real cute.
Scorpion chair: YES, yes, a million times yes! And then I’d get one of those coffin bookshelves to go with it and my room would just be peak goth dom aesthetic.
Camera vibe: Nooo, I really don’t want to see what my insides look like? My stepmother made me watch those Discovery Health “Birth Day” shows (the ones that show women giving birth! And like, the whole thing, not just TV births where they show the doctor through a curtain, and then they’re handing you a baby. There was blood, and membranes, and just… a lot of stuff 10-year-old me would not have sought out on my own). At this point I feel fairly confident saying I do not want to see my insides or those of my partner.
Coffin bookshelves?! My mind was just blown, thanks.
A living room with the scorpion chair just hangin’ out in it is such a POWER move
I adore that the general tone of this piece is “Yes! Maybe! Probably! Who knows???”.
the entire tone of my life, if we’re being honest.
“… if you’ve always wanted to f*ck a rocket …” lol
“If you’ve always wanted to fuck a rocket, then who are we to stop you!”
This is my new favorite series, Archie, I adore you and I am here both for the energetic-ass writing and the delightful-ass comments.
yess yayyy thank you!
Cow illustration is a big YES, but the vibrator looks oddly…pointless? I guess maybe good if you like rumbly, whole-vulva vibrations, but I can’t imagine it’s that strong.
I’m gonna be a lone NO on the scorpion chair. It just scares me too much. Looks like a big robot spider, and they’re a big personal turn-off.
The camera vibrator confuses me. Is it for the face? How lucky would you have to be to get an angle that was both flattering and hit the right spot? And if it’s a camera for your bits, surely you’d be too close up to get a good image…