20 Things To Say When Your Rideshare Driver Asks If You Have A Husband

If you’re like me, you give 5 stars to every Lyft or Uber driver who gets you from point A to point B without making you imagine an escape plan.

But what do you do when the guy behind the wheel (yes it’s always a guy) doesn’t take “I’m silently putting my earbuds in right now” for an answer?

Whether you’re feeling chatty or you’re just looking for a safe and simple ice-builder, this list has something for you:

20 Things To Say When Your Rideshare Driver Asks If You Have A Husband

  1. I’m thinking of buying one this weekend.
  2. NO BUT I HAVE A PUNK BAND WANNA HEAR OUR HOURLONG DEMO TAPE GIMME YOUR AUX CORD!
  3. It’s against my religion.
  4. Seventy-five.
  5. I think he’s following us please hurry.
  6. I knew I left SOMETHING on top of my car this morning.
  7. Is that like a sweatband? Wanna see my sweatband collection?
  8. He died during the Civil War.
  9. Isn’t it funny that husband sounds like has-been? What’s your dream job?
  10. No because I want my first marriage to be special.
  11. I’d love to have a conversation with you but I don’t speak English.
  12. Does this train have a bathroom?
  13. Cats have whiskers on their paws.
  14. Do you think people really do taste like bacon?
  15. No but I have a restraining order.
  16. Mom? Is that you?
  17. Do you own a Red Lobster? No? Oh, I thought we were talking about business that’s not ours.
  18. Ever been the getaway car?
  19. I had one when I was a kid and I didn’t like it.
  20. Why, do you?
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Kai

Kai Choyce is a writer, comedian, and cat whisperer.

Kai has written 13 articles for us.

34 Comments

  2. I often find myself in situations where I need a safe and simple ice-builder! Faith, these are so good! Thank you!! ?

  3. My standard answer to that is “yes I do. He went became a cop after coming back from Afghanistan.” 9 times out of 10 they go silent after that.
    But now I’m gonna steal these 2
    – Mom? Is that you?
    – Do you own a Red Lobster? No? Oh, I thought we were talking about business that’s not ours.

  6. These are golden.

    The Red Lobster one was the best. On top of the car…like he was a coffee you forgot about! Demo tape. So many smiles.

    I’ve had to make up a boyfriend before while waiting for my bus transfer at midnight downtown and my natural niceness means my smile or nod of treating others like human beings worthy of acknowledgment leads to me being worried that I’ll be followed onto the bus…and then I’ll either have to get off at the wrong stop, or they’ll know the area in which I live! And also saying “I’m gay” doesn’t seem safe when you don’t know how people are going to react and you’re stuck standing where you’re at for several more minutes.

  7. I had a really weird experience with an uber driver where he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no and he asked why not. I was dating a woman at the time and did NOT feel comfortable telling this uber driver that, so just said I was too busy with university. He then told me I was really pretty, and then started asking about what nightclubs students go to. He then recommended a specific one and told me he would give me a free ride there! I was just wanting to get to my doctors appointment on the other side of town in one piece so I was like “ooh but that club is quite expensive” and then he said he would give me money to buy drinks and he would come too but he doesn’t drink and it was very traumatic and I didn’t even get the free uber ride he promised out of it.

    • You could consider reporting that Uber driver. That’s sexual harrassment – he was hitting on you and trying to get you to go to a club with him. Be a hero and get rid of him. He probably thinks his car is for picking up women.

  9. “Not on me, but if you’re in the market I know a guy that can get you one for 20, cash only, no returns.”

  10. 21. Snort, womanspread, and ask, “Do I look like someone who has husbands?” (I’ve done this in situations where I was feeling both sassy and nonthreatened, though it’s maybe not for everyone ;)

    22. Ignore the question entirely and ask, “So how’s Lyft/Uber treating you lately?” It’s an effective deflect, as the drivers always have a lot to say on this topic.

  11. Once my Uber driver asked why I didn’t want a big strong husband and lots of kids, but also offered to give me the number of his daughter who he said was going through what he hoped was a lesbian phase. He showed me pictures of her, she looked pretty gay. I hope you’re okay, daughter of that Uber driver! Go get ’em!

  12. I’ve had a lyft driver tell me he likes “women with meat on their bones”. I usually feel fine telling the drivers I have a girlfriend, or I’ll just use “partner” and gender neutral pronouns if I’m not feeling it.

  13. My cousin once asked the lyft driver, the craziest thing he ever did, and he answered getaway driver for someone escaping a bank. He said his great driving skills and lack of police choppers saved him. We were driving 55mph in a 35 zone near hollywood. So, it seems plausible.

  14. 21. They don’t call me praying mantis because I’m cute.
    22. It’s pronounced wife
    23. Her name is Jenny Schecter

  15. I will definitely have to use these.

    I study psychology and usually answer honestly if asked about that (when they pick me up from campus or something like that) so most commonly I get told some very very strange personal shit about themselves or their kids and then asked:

    1) Is this normal? YES UNTIL YOU PLEASE LET ME OUT OF THIS CAR
    2) What should I do next? GO SEE A REAL PSYCHOLOGIST

  16. Not an Uber driver, but a NYC cab driver said it was perfectly OK with him that I had a girlfriend, he still wanted a date.

  17. The only time in my life I have ever been clearly assumed to be a lesbian by a stranger was when a security guard at a museum asked me if I had a girlfriend. I lied and said yes, and he continued to creepily not-exactly hit on me (“I hope she tells you you’re beautiful”) until I escaped.

  18. I know it’s a comedy article but everyone should go with 20. It challenges the heterosexist assumptions & gets into the ‘if you nose at stuff that’s not your business I’ll do the same’

  19. Could there be another, slightly more niche article, for what to say when an elderly person you care for professionally asks you ‘if you’re stepping out with any nice lads’ at the moment?

    • Did they then try to set you up with their grandson? My patient got really enthusiastic about his newfound “perfect matchmaking”. It was awkward.

    • HA!! My SO is a PT and she always gets asked if she has a boyfriend and deep inside she’s asking herself if it’s not so obvious that she’s gay (ya know, the basics – MOC clothes and shoes, alternative hairstyle LMAO)

  20. The Philippines have Grab and Uber, and yes we do need this list as well because eye rolling is tiring LOL

  21. I am an Uber driver and this goes both ways (much like myself) so I will be stealing these, esp. #2 SINCE I ALREADY CONTROL YOUR MUSIC BOW DOWN

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