We know that queer women masturbate more than straight women. A lot more. Masturbation can be a way to enjoy your body or a way to reclaim it. It can be a way to fall asleep or a way to kill time or a way to release tension. It can look like a thing part of your body is doing while the rest does something else or it can look like an orgy of one. And it can be a source of pleasure, joy, and a really great time.

But, anecdotally, while talking about the details of partnered sex is not especially uncommon these days, talking about masturbation frankly and openly still is. Today in asking my colleagues invasive personal questions we’re talking about how we masturbate — how we started, what we do, where we do it and more.

For a data-focused discussion of how queer women masturbate, check out the findings from Autostraddle’s Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey open to queer women and people who identify with that experience.

For a feelings- and experiences-focused tiny peek at how the queer women and folks who run this place masturbate with some charts I made just for you, let’s dive in!

First Times

When was the first time we did us?

Even more interesting than “when” is, “how?”

Some first or early masturbation stories included:

• I remember being very young and knowing that if I laid on my stomach with both hands on my pelvis area and rocked around, it felt GREAT. I’d generally do it in bed, or under the coffee table when I thought no one was looking.
• I was in the tub and ran the ridges across my clit to see what it’d feel like. The involuntary twitches felt amazing so I just kept going.
• I don’t remember the actual *first time* but at around age five or six, I would get out of the bathtub and go to my room, lock the door, and lay on the bed naked. I knew an older girl who was like a sister to me but we weren’t related, and I would pretend she was making me touch myself so she could watch, or that I was on top of her and we were kissing. She never actually did those things to me (no one else did either) but I must have wanted her to? It was just really relaxing and felt nice. I don’t remember having orgasms until much later, around 11 or 12.
• I just realized chair arms felt great!
• My sister had a friend over who saw that we had one of those small “personal massagers” to use on muscle spasms and was like, “You know what you guys should try…?” So I did, just for a second, and she was right, it felt really good — but I didn’t understand why, know what it was, or pursue it further until high school (which was years later). Classic “hey, this feels nice, I should tell my friends about it!” Not a single sexual thought involved at that stage.
• I don’t remember the first time specifically, but I do remember being pretty young (less than 10?) and having an orgasm from doing sit-ups. Is that weird? That’s probably weird.
• I was alone in bed watching Big Brother, the reality show, and I liked the way my shirt felt over my nipples so I started touching my breasts under my shirt while kinda squirming and doing some kegels under the covers.
• I found out my college dorm room had porn, so I masturbated alone in my room for the first time freshman year in college.
• I figured out that rubbing myself on a pillow felt good so I did that.. for a while, also after I learned what it was. I was deeply afraid of my parents figuring out what I was up to.
• I had the inclination to masturbate after reading All American Girl by Meg Cabot. Like the character in the book, I used the bathtub faucet. I loved it and pretty much masturbated every time I took a shower for a while.
• I put a stuffed animal between my legs, in my pajama pants, and rubbed against it until I felt like I would burst, then stopped. I imagined being kept in an underground dungeon (no kidding) by these goopy rock monsters. I didn’t really understand what I was doing, just that it felt good to do it and was probably not something I should tell my parents about.
• Habitually I used to masturbate at the family computer reading Literotica.
• I remember being in the bathtub before I graduated to showers and I rubbed the tip of my junk with my hands and it felt good.
• I imagined my best friend, was for sure in my bed, and felt insanely awkward afterward.
• My roommate went home on weekends that summer so this was my chance to try and figure out what an orgasm was! I’d had a lot of sex (with boys) but never came. I listened to moby. I turned the vibe up so high that I usually clenched and stopped myself before coming. I think I’d think about the person I was sleeping with at the time. It probably took like an hour and I was never sure if I’d really come or not and I’d keep going until I was so numb!
• It was on my bed in my room with a stuffed animal and I don’t remember thinking about anything actually!
• In the bathtub, playing with water toys, somehow realized they were super fun pointed at my clit. (I did not know what my clit was.)
• Watching cinemax illegally at my dad’s house in the summer with my hands and humped my pillow.
• I remember being turned on by the oral sex scene in American Pie. I had the movie on home video, and I would rewind it and play it when my parents weren’t home. I don’t remember the very first time, but I’m sure it was just humping a pillow.
• Stayed up late watching Eurotrash. Two women kissed in a shower. ‘Nuff said.

What About Now: How Often And For How Long?

Survey takers largely had with sessions lasting usually 5–15 minutes a few times a week, just like demographically similar queers who (mostly) don’t work here.

How Do You Get It Done?

Lots of survey takers listed hands and sex toys (with some notes about if the toys are charged or if they felt like it) as our top masturbation methods. Some descriptions of methods included:

• I feel like you should at least buy me a drink first, BUT OK. I lie facedown on the bed, wearing a loose shirt or tank top, no bottoms. I read erotica or watch clips of women masturbating alone/together while I play with my nipples through my shirt and rub my clit against the bed. Sometimes I put a tshirt down so I don’t make the sheets messy. After the first orgasm I either stay on my stomach or sometimes flip over to one side, and use my fingers to rub my clit until I come again (and again). I usually don’t feel like stopping until I’ve had around 10 orgasms.
• Laying down in bed, with hands (occasionally vibrator but I keep forgetting to charge them).
• I have a removable shower head, so when I’m in the shower, I wash my junk and then use the showerhead to masturbate, just the pressure on my junk is good, like, the jets of water pressing against the tip of my penis gets me off.
• Pretty briefly if I haven’t seen my partner for a while with my fingers.
• Nowadays I just use my fingers, but sometimes I need some sort of visual stimulation… rather than porn, I usually watch my favorite sex scenes from TV.
• Through clothes, with a magic wand outside of my pants or a smaller vibrator down them. (But sometimes: super elaborately.)
• I use my fingers or a clit vibrator if it’s nearby and use direct clitoral stimulation — I don’t really care for penetration while masturbating mostly because I’m lazy about it and won’t want to take the time to set it all up. I like to get it done efficiently, TBH.

Location Location Location

There are a lot of ambitious partnered sexual possibilities out there, but what about alone? Driving a car (safety be damned), a parent’s car (or an undefined backseat), and bathrooms (public or grandparents’) were top answers. Please note that even though apparently a lot of us are doing it anyway, from a safety perspective it’s not a great idea to drive and masturbate.

How Does It Make You Feel?

Emotionally and physically, here’s how survey takers said masturbation feels.

Story Time

Finally, I asked about particularly memorable masturbation stories, and HERE THEY ARE:

• Once I was in my bed in my room at night in an apartment I shared with two other people. I was a little bit stoned, and I always slept with earplugs because the street noise was really loud. So I’ve got my ear plugs in to sleep, but then I start masturbating, and I start to hear this thumping the closer I get to climaxing. It gets louder and I freak out that it’s my one of my roommates pounding on the door so I yank my earplugs out and sit up and that’s when I realize it was just my heart pounding faster and faster. I think I laughed out loud in the dark at that point.
• It’s not really a story but, when I was in high school I remember having phone sex with my online crush instead of going to class. I got off in a remote location behind a hill but I was still terrified someone would catch me. I vaguely recall the girl saying she was picturing me naked and draped across a tree branch in white socks. Ouch!
• Simultaneous orgasm snapchats.
• This isn’t a story about a specific time, but I just wanted to share that I used to masturbate with the non-toothbrush side of an electric toothbrush because I am a goddamn innovator.
• The first time I ever made out with a girl, I didn’t know I was a lesbian and her boyfriend was asleep in the next room. They’d already made plans to stay at my house for the night, but he’d fallen asleep on the couch. We came up for air and looked at each other and immediately decided to go upstairs to my room and have sex, which I was extremely nervous and freaking out about but also REALLY looking forward to. We tried so so hard to not wake him up, but he woke up anyway because of the patriarchy. After some super uncomfortable goodnight wishes and panicked silent apologies, I watched them go off into the guest bedroom and I went to my room and masturbated harder and longer than I ever had in my life. Those were easily the best solo orgasms I’d had to date — I felt like I could’ve broken my own bed frame in half or screamed until I shattered glass. Then I woke up the next morning and cried and cried and cried!
• I used to use wax candles for vaginal penetration as a preteen.
• One time I was sexting my girlfriend and masturbating, and immediately after I came my mom walked into my room to get the cell phone charger. And then I died and I am a ghost now.
• After I started hormones, I didn’t masturbate for a little while. When I did for the first time after, I didn’t get an erection (because of my hormones) but I could still get off! It was great! Erections usually give me dysphoria, so when I found out that now I’d be able to masturbate without getting one, I was so freaking happy. I love masturbating without feeling bad about my body.
• The first time I realized I could use my magic wand and my njoy pure wand at the same time was a game changer.
• Sometimes I read and masturbate at the same time to draw it out!
• I once masturbated while I had a house guest, but was very sleepy and kinda fell asleep while masturbating, but kept going while half asleep. Then I orgasmed and made noise because I forgot I had a houseguest. I still don’t know if they heard me come or not.
• I once masturbated to an episode of Mad Men.
• The most memorable masturbation story I can think of is getting caught by a “friend” who saved me from embarrassment by joining in. Party on.

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