This L Word recap was originally published on The Road Best Straddled in 2008, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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Alex: Oh my God! They mentioned Angie!
Riese: It’s like the night of the living dead! Everyone from the vortex is gonna come out!
Cait: If Angus comes back, my head’s gonna explode.
Haviland: Where’s Papi?
Tinkerbell: Rup! Rup!

Something really weird happened during this week’s viewing (attended by me, Cait, Alex & Haviland), and I’m not just talking about when Tinkerbell learned sign language, therefore swiftly saving us from the inefficiencies of our un-subtitled advance-copy DVDs (not complaining, obvs, thank Goddess for them). At about the 35 minute mark, Haviland requested a PAUSE AND REWIND. That’s right — Haviland Stillwell thought she may’ve missed something and wanted to watch it AGAIN. AND about five minutes ago, Cait texted to say that Hav wanted to watch another episode tonight, since she’s moving to L.A. next week for two months (notgonnatalkaboutit nottalkingaboutit dontaskmeaboutit) and therefore will be missing these joyful gatherings. Though she’d love to be in it (like Paris!), Hav’s never enjoyed watching it, per se. But now, um … I don’t know you guys my head is going to explode.

Anyhow, three announcements and then class will commence:

1. If you subscribe to Curve magazine, you may’ve already received the March ’08 issue (K.D. Lang on the cover). Turn to page 60 and you’re in store for a special surprise, aka an article by mememememe.
2. Only a short sliver of time remains to nominate mememememe for Lesbian Blog of the Year.
3. As you may or may not know, we’ve got an auto apparel store— featuring Alex Vega-designed Auto-Straddle boy briefs, Auto-Win tanks, Auto-Straddle stickers and “Really Papi Really?” t-shirts, and you should check it out for all your Valentine’s Day and President’s Day Gift-Giving needs or if you just wanna treat yourself to fashion, ’cause you deserve it. Currently 50% of profits will go to the Jenny Love Angel Fund, which is helping our immensely brilliant photographer Layla Love handle the costs required to treat her mother’s MS. And if you order before February 14th, you’ll get a free CD, filled with illegal songs that represent all the love in my heart. That’s right: ALL OF IT.
4. 
5. The only correction this week is that I used “their” once when I should’ve used “they’re.” It’s embarrassing, I don’t wanna talk about it.

This ep basically did my job for me. It made fun of itself, name-dropped The Peach Pit, got so meta I got obvious, and sold drugs on the open market. Oh wait, not that last thing. That’s my job but not their job. Sometimes I get confused. ‘Cause of the drugs.

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The Ovulation Heard ‘Round the World: This autumn, Carly and I watched the pilot, as we thought it’d be fun [for me] to recap. I realised howevs that I’d forgotten many things about the pilot, e.g., it’s two hours long and therefore recapping it took approximately my entire life. Also, I’d forgotten that it opens with “I’m ovulating!” which’s the moment when The L Word lost its entire straight male viewership. Now we can re-live this historic moment!

First of all: I thought Nina was a lesbian, ’cause she has short hair. Secondingly, I thought Bev was a lesbian, ’cause Begonia smooched her during the reading last week. Thirdly, I love Jesus but I drink a little. Just thought since we’re bringing things back today, I’d bring that back.

Oh right. The show. I’m assuming these women had to audition for these roles, how’d they get cast if they’re so anti girl-on-girl action. We’ve discussed and come to the conclusion we suspect J-Beals is the only cast member who’d never engaged in sapphic trysts pre-show. I’m sure we’re well into Page 2 on The L Word Online’s printing of the recap by now, and I haven’t recapped a single second yet. You guys should watch this episode though, for real, the show is good now. Hmm …. I haven’t slept much over the last two days. That may or may not have an affect on my comedy stylings this week. It’s certainly affecting my personality, I’m quite insufferable at the moment, just ask my friends. Wherever they are. Ho-hum. [UPDATE: I wrote all that on Saturday. Now it’s Sunday, I’m well-rested now, hopefully the recap will get better from here on out.] [UPDATE: nope.]

So Right, The Show: WE LOVE MIA KIRSHNER, even if you don’t. Her facial expressions in this scene are priceless, maybe directing is her calling. Bev and Nina don’t know how to look like they’re fucking, so Jenny — with her scarf, her coffee, and her overall gravitas — (see Jenny Moment). They’re still clueless and Jenny tells Adele to schedule a sex coach to teach these strais how to fuck. This is like when Susie Bright was the lesbian sex consultant on Bound. Good movie.

The Best Jenny Moment Ever

Jenny: “This is what I want you to do — you are going to look at her — and you’re going to TAKE HER — and you’re going to THROW HER UP AGAINST THE SINK — BAM! And you’re going to look at her with passion and then you’re gonna — [to Nina] don’t worry, I won’t kiss you — [to BEV] and you’re going to take her, and you’re going to kiss her — with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to finger fuck her and give her the best fucking orgasm EVER — [clicks her tongue, makes “you got it” gesture, takes coffee, turns] — go for it!”
Bev: “Oh — you mean — with my hand?”
Jenny: “Yeah … unless you have some other apperatti that i don’t know about? … Passion!! That’s okay! Okay! … [disturbed] … Wow, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a like dance ..?”
Bev: “Do you want to see my hand?”
Jenny: [Totally unimpressed] I’d like to, yeah … [100% unimpressed] It might be nice if you looked like you were, you know, actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture … you know — [horrified] AH! — that looks like .. like … you’re sewing up a hole in her jeans … [cannot take it for one moment more] … Okay! Step away! Move away from here! Step away from each other!”

Cait: She’s still holding the stick out! Put it down! Put the stick away!
Riese: That’s her “other apperatti.”
Alex: Why is she still holding it? She’s still holding it!

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Lesbian Squabble #14: You’re So Tragedy

In the Ring: Shane vs. Dawn Denbo and her Lover Cindy

Content: Shane’s come to apologize and make peace, but Dawn don’t wanna give peace a chance. There’s only one way that Shane can make up for what Cindy did to Dawn — Shane can get her BFF Jenny to use SheBar as a location for her Big Hollywood Lesbian Movie. Also, there’s no such thing as a Big Hollywood Lesbian Movie, welcome to America, Lara Croft Tomb Raider doesn’t count. Dawn says some weirdo things about Shane being a lil’ old hairdresser from down by the river, demands that SheBar be referred to by name in this hypothetical Lez Girls shoot (instead of as The Pluto Cafe, ’cause Disneyworld’s already got a copyright on that), and tells Shane that Jenny’s paying The Planet $50,000 day to shoot there. Basically Shane has two choices: either she can fuck Kit over, or Dawn will fuck Kit over herself. The most important part of this squabble is that Dawn name-drops The Peach Pit. Also, Dawn is totally insane, she’s got intense delusions of grandeur. And Cindi ends this fiasco with a “call me.”

Who Wins?: Shane. ‘Cause Dawn is really trying to bring the level of conversation back to seventh grade and Shane’s totally not having it. Shane didn’t even graduate from the seventh grade, so take that Dawn and whomevs.

Riese: What is Cindy WEARING?
Cait: She’s like disco barbie or something.
Alex [no.1 feeling=dancing]: That’s my favorite barbie.
Cait: How the fuck did Dawn KNOW?
Haviland: She probably had a hidden camera. I’m sure Dawn loves it. They love that shit.
Riese: They do it for sport.

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I Lay Awake and Miss You When You Go: Alice emptied her closets of black crew-neck t-shirts and packed ’em up for Tasha. Alice’s nice, when I break up w/someone, I prefer Duane Reade bags over luggage, ’cause luggage doesn’t grow on trees and you may never get it back. Alice asks Tasha if she’d like to come in to ensure she got everything, which’s secret code for “would you like to come inside my vagina and ensure you got everything?” The secret answer is “yes, I would,” but instead Tasha says “No, I trust you,” which doesn’t make sense, really, but provides a neat segue into Alice adding that Tasha doesn’t trust her, actually. Yeah, seriously, like wtf, all Alice did was go on national television and out an NBA basketball player to the entire universe when her girlfriend’s on trial for homosexual conduct.

Like The Queer Guy!: Exposition time! Alice’s been offered a job on “The Look,” ’cause Rosie left the show and they need a new lesbian. I mean — I’m sorry — not Rosie, what was I thinking? Kelly. Whoopi turned it down, they’ve gone to Alice, who isn’t sure she’s ready to be so “out” on TV. Tasha disagrees — “this is a dream come true for you, Alice.” Au contraire! Alice says: “You don’t know what I dream of.” That’s true, ’cause Tasha totally cannot crawl inside Alice’s sub-conscious. No-one can, because of skin and organs and other things that separate humans from crawling inside other humans. So Tasha and her cheekbones say bye-bye-bye. She’ll be back though, obvs. What would Papi do without her best friend, Tasha? Oh right. Shh. Papi who?

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Who Am I Has Benefitted From Our Cleverly Planned Meals: Bette’s making stir fry with her door wide open. Anyone could just walk right in, like Tina, who does. For those of you who were concerned about Angie, no worries: she’s at Disneyland with Kit! It’s okay, clearly there’s no safer place for her to be than on Splash Mountain with the County Bear Jamboree. They should have lesbians on the “It’s a Small World” ride. Wouldn’t that be funny? Like the Rosie cruise. OK. Now that song is stuck in my head. Forever and ever. I have to go bang my head against the wall now. BRB.

Tina says Bette’s stir fry smells amazing and asks if Jodi taught her how to cook ’cause apparently Tina’s “heard” that Jodi’s a great cook. Probs she heard it on OurChart, Jodi was a guest on “Come on Ilene,” she made meatloaf and tried to explain why all the failures of her personality are actually strategic plot choices. Bette says she’ll have to cook for Tina sometime. Y’know. Cook up some love. Seriously, look:

Lesbian Sexy Moment #15: This is the Last Honest Love I’ll Ever Give

The Players: Um, what are their names again? Uh, the girl from Flashdance and that blonde chick? Who are these people? They’ve done it before right? Ho-hum.

The Pick Up: “Look, I know that you don’t wanna hurt Jodi.” Probs one of the best pick-up lines in the history of pick-up lines, as the thing she does right after saying that is enable the hurting of said Jodi by grabbing Bette and bringing her lips to Tina’s lips and then …

Hot or Not?: Raise your hand if you’ve been there. That old familiar feeling, and so on. The urgency of re-initiation into a once established routine, infused with new experience and lingering curiosity about what could have been. And so on. And so it is. And so. It is hot. Hot Hot Hot.

Haviland: This is actually really realistic.
Riese: I know, it totally is. They don’t have enough daytime sex on this show. And they should.

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Lights! Camera! Meta!: Jenny’s not into Vancouver, it looks nothing like L.A. Get it? ‘Cause they shoot The L Word in Vancouver? She hates Vancouver so much she doesn’t even need her phone anymore. She tosses it into the bushes, which’s a very dramatic move that shows everyone you mean business, just ask Cait. Little Adele, Honorary Critter, scurries under the brush, retrieves the phone and subsequently reads William’s text freeing Jenny from this Canadian vacation — he gives L.A. the go ahead! Jenny’s so happy that for one little moment, she steps outside of her own psyche and looks into the beautiful eyes staring back at her behind Adele’s 1992 glasses. That’s right …

Haviland: MAKEOVER!
Alex: It’s TIME, ladies!

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Best in Business: Phyllis has returned from the vortex! Although Leonard claimed last season that he was gonna flush their relationship down the toilet, he’s actually now more interested in suing than sewage. And Joyce wants to take the case, despite her horrid break up w/Phyllis, which I guess she managed to execute off-screen, like death in Greek Tragedies.

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I Love the Smell of Makeover in the Morning: Jenny and Adele have been taken to “where fashionable Vancouverites shop.” Just so you know, Jenny is wearing red golashes and a puffalumpish mustard yellow/white frock contraption that somehow reminds me of Charlie Brown. And she’s giving Adele a makeover. Just … FYI.

Haviland: [Southern Accent] “Oh lord, I’ve never been in a MALL before!”
Riese: “To the dressing room! To the dressing room!”
Haviland: “I think they’re in Barney’s Co-Op. That’s what it looks like in there.”
Riese: “Yeah, totally.”
Haviland: “That coat is Kenneth Cole.”
Riese: “Actually I was lying, I’ve never been inside, but that’s what it looks like from the outside.”

I’m Guessing MUDD: Jenny’s pumped to get Adele’s some jeans — “We should get you some jeans now because um — Adele — the applique on the back of your jeans was declared an abomination by the Genevea Convention. We have to buy you jeans, come on.” Also Jenny got new boots, thank G-d. Adele suggests a David Yurman necklace for Nikki, and Jenny gives the greenlight, reminding Adele that she’s the only one who knows about Nikki and she better keep that secret. “Everyone falls in love with the director,” Adele says. This warms the cockles of Jenny’s little tiny heart. And probs also her entrails.

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I’ll Be Curled on the Floor Hiding Away From It All: This isn’t the best day of Alice’s life. On a scale of one to ten, she misses Tasha. And her phone’s right there — is she waiting for Tasha to call? Is she full of regret, or just longing? Poor Alice, I’d like to hug her. Naked.

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Not So Cleverly Planned Meals: Tina’s gonna make pancakes for Angie. This is sort of a one-way relationship, Tina. You keep asking Ang questions and what do you get in response? Silence. In search of a more fulfilling partnership, Tina discovers that OOPSIE! there’s no milk, which means either they’re gonna have to eat bread crusts, or they’re gonna call Mama B and see if she wants to go The Planet! But Bette’s kinda busy …

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Behavior I Just Can’t Grow Into: OK, I kinda love Jodi right now, ’cause Bette never wants to go ANYWHERE (lest she confront her demons) and Jodi’s always like “Hey! I wanna go to Shebar! I wanna dance! I wanna go to The Planet!” Obvs Jodi’s got no interest in slipping away underneath the hood of boring and leaving the party. But I love Jodi for wanting to be friends with her friends and be a part of her world and not just hide away. It’d drive me crazy, of course, ’cause I never wanna go anywhere, which’s why I’m dating a Vampire named Uta, you may remember her from Season Three. No? Okay:

There Are Two of Us Talking in Circles and One of Us Who Wants to Leave: Now Bette’s pulling out all the stops. She’s got a special way of turning conversations into exercises in passive aggression. She says Jodi can go to The Planet and make another PODCAST if she WANTS TO. Jodi’s like, “Are you gonna go on punishing me forever?” (for the podcast) Then Bette apologizes — she’s just stressed ’cause of the suicide-gun incident. Jodi seems kinda clueless that Bette’s actually stressed about her cheating heart. Jodi, trying to be a good girlfriend, suggests they go look at some art but Bette wants to sit in her garden with Peter Rabbit and read the newspaper. Then this stuff happens in sign language w/o subtitles on my screener, was it like that on normal broadcast teevee? Tell us what they said!

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Sometimes You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name: The Lonely Hearts Club has gathered for brunch at The Planet and Tina get’s a phone call — Bette’s suddenly interested in those pancakes Tina mentioned earlier, and I’m not talking about her breasts in a sports bra, I’m talking about pancakes, the kind you eat with syrup and butter. Then Angie spots some puppies. They should get her eyes checked, those are NOT puppies, those are rats. Cut to Kit in the office where the Mafia is shutting down her place ’cause she failed the health inspection. She’s so confused, how’d she get rats in her clean establishment? Well, Shane has a theory … we’re guessing it’s Dawn Denbo.

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The Right To Bare Arms: Didn’t Kit do this last episode? Where’s C.J. Cregg? Watch out, Nanny Fucking Nannyfucker!

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Black Bras Were Two-For One at Target, Probs: Because it wouldn’t be an episode of ‘The L Word’ without a random party for no reason, the ladies are at Phyllis’s um … I dunno. President’s Day Party? They never have holidays on this show, do they? I could really go for an L Word Family Christmas.

Where’s Tinkerbell? Puppies!
Phyllis is gonna be disappointed when she learns what the rest of us learned in our mid-twenties — every party’s the same 50 girls, and within a few years, she or her friends will have already slept with all of ’em, and she’ll find herself cruising OurChart at 4 A.M. for blonde fake-breasted heart doctors with art collections. Needlessly throwing your own parties is just quickening that process. Tina spots Bette and they sneak off together. Good call, there is nothing about this party that I understand, including its inclusion in the storyline.

Mommy, Dearest?: Phyllis’s daughter has decided to drop over for a swim and is a bit unimpressed to see her Mom is standing on a diving board about to take off her clothes. It was getting hot in there. Shane and Alice are like “who’s the new girl? She’s cute!”

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Relief Next to Me: Tina and Bette, back in their secluded hideaway, are enjoying some infused tea and discussing how Bette doesn’t know what to do about the mess she’s created. Tina’s like, well, you’re in love with Jodi, right? And Bette says she “adores, respects and admires” Jodi, but it doesn’t really compare to what she feels for Tina, which is defo not adoration and respect, it’s more like — “acceptance and comfort and loooveeee.” Whatevs, time to make love!

Lesbian Sexy Moment #16: I Miss You Now, I Guess Like I Should’ve Missed You Then

The Players: Bette and Tina,

The Pick-Up: “It doesn’t really compare.”

Hot or Not?: Hot! Bette and Tina have brilliant sex scenes. They let loose without losing each other, their orgasms feel real, the intensity and almost desperate desire is palpable. They’re good at lip-biting, lip-sucking, kissing, and etc. Aside from the copious covering of J-Beal’s Super-Secret Breasts, this scene is resolutely hot. Also Bette does that thing to Tina, you know? Where you push someone’s hair back and look at them in the eyes and you’re like: “Hey, you. you. oh, you.” (not out loud, but you know what I mean?)

Riese: “It’s like Brian Kinney’s apartment all of a sudden.”
Haviland: “It’s like Carrie and Big!”
Alex: “Excuse me, I’m trying to watch a sex scene. They’re hard to come by.”
[pause]
Alex: “Get it?”
Riese: “See what you did there? That’s what you do.”

The Morning After: They wake up at four-something and Bette has gotta BUST that pop stand. Tina says Jodi would be devastated. This is that moment I was referring to in the start of the recap. You know …

Haviland: “Did you hear that? She said i love you.”
Cait & Alex: “Rewind.”
Haviland: “Rewind! This is like, an important moment.”
[we do]
Riese: “You know what else is an important moment? Haviland Stillwell just noticed an important moment.”
Haviland: “Real stuff is happening in this episode!”

Bette says she needs more time, Tina says she doesn’t even know what she wants, and Bette says they both need time to figure out what they want. I’m not sure if it’s good that they seem to be trying to be mature about this, or if Bette’s just copping out. Tina amends Bette’s statement — “I need to figure out what’s right for me, and you need to figure out what’s right for you.” That’s called teamwork.

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You Better WORK: Jenny and her Post-Makeover assistant — seeming a little full of confidence suddenly — arrive on set, beaming about how this wonderful movie began with just some words written on a piece of paper, just like The Ten Commandments, America and CatFancy magazine. Adele woke up at the asscrack of dawn to come to set and learn her way around, which’s how she knows where everything is and gives Jenny the run-down. Jenny’s happy. She can’t wait … and I feel like she’s becoming human again, like she’s being humbled by pure enthusiasm. They’re also getting a little touchy-feely, Adele & Jenny.

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Back in Mr. Belding’s Office …: I think Phyllis’s job on this show is to do really weird things that don’t make sense all the time. She’s the worst lesbian ever, I want to give her back to Leonard. She’s got Bette & Jodi in her office, and (Tom’s wearing a Free City shirt) Bette is ready to discuss what she assumes they’re there for — the suicide art. But nope …

Really Papi Really Award: “I need you to help me convince Molly that lesbians can be respectable, and upstanding, and stable! All the values her father and I instilled in her. Let her spend some time with the two of you together, I want her to see two women that have a stable, honest and loving relationship.”

Phyllis’s latest idea in a long line of brilliant ideas (buying Alice The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, falling for Alice after two hook-ups, embroiling Bette in her personal drama, freaking out at the cowboy party, spilling her sex life deets on a vodcast, throwing a Coming Out Party for herself with her girlfriend she doesn’t like anymore, starting an affair with Joyce’s ex and then having a random pool party where she takes off her clothes on a diving board after leading a conga line of similarly undressed sapphic buddies) is to show her daughter Molly that lesbians are healthy and normal by having her hang out with Bette and Jodi. This’s so Molly won’t see her as a “debauched promiscuous lesbian” after the snafu at the pool party. That’s better than being a debauched promiscuous hetero, at least she won’t get preggers like Jamie Lynn. Oh and P.S., let’s talk about the gun thing.

And God Bless the Child Who Shows Up at Random: Molly decides to stop in, which thrills Phyllis, ’cause now Molly can meet The Partners, Jodi and Bette. “THEY’RE LESBIANS,” Phyllis adds, so Molly won’t get confused and think that Jodi is a lesbian like Tom the interpreter’s boyfriend Max. JK, I have no clue what’s going on with Max. I’D LIKE TO SEE HIS G-DFORSAKEN PODCAST however. Unless that means I actually have to go to OurChart, ’cause Tim could probably swim to West Hollywood before the podcast would load.

Oh then Jodi resigns, ’cause she doesn’t think it’s fair that Bette be punished for controversy over her students’ work. No more soap guns for anyone! Zero tolerance. Damn the man! Fuck censorship! Go Jodi! I like her, is that weird? Jodi says she’ll be okay ’cause she’s got her work, and Bette. Then lighting and thunder crashes in the annals of our minds. This is gonna get messy.

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Television About Television Without Pity: Back on set … The L Word is now doing my job for me. It’s basically recapping the pilot — and Nikki’s providing the snarky commentary via her sudden dislike of the script, though it seems she’s probs upset about something else — she’s withdrawn and unnecessarily argumentative. I want to make “fuck the rosemary” the quote of the week, but I think enough people are gonna yell at me about my LOOOOOVEEEEE for Jenny already.

Lesbian Squabble #15: Can Someone Please Address the Puppy Shirt?

In the Ring: Jenny the Director Vs. Nikki the Actress

Content: Nikki thinks it’s stupid that someone would just be walking around carrying a sprig of rosemary. Jenny says it’s cause Nina just gave it to her (just like in real life! nice total recall, Schecter). And Nikki’s like, well, that’s retarded. When Nina says she’s trying to get pregnant, Nikki goes improv and says, “that’s great!” Which isn’t the line, the line is, “I thought you and Bev were together,” which Jenny points out. Nikki thinks that’s idiotic, ’cause everyone knows that “lezzies are having babies all over the place, Jenny.” OK WhOA! I hope not. When I have a baby, I’m just gonna have it in one place, nice and simple. Jenny suggests that Nikki just say the lines in the script ’cause it’s the script, for Christ’s sake, and besides, Jesse’s from the midwest. Nikki’s like, “Hasn’t she ever known a lesbian?” And Jenny says “No.” Then Nikki argues: “Doesn’t she have a television? What about Ellen and Portia?” I don’t think they were together yet when “Jesse” moved to L.A.. Also, they aren’t pregnant. But that’s not the point, obviously, the point is that Nikki IS a lesbian. She knows how lesbians act. For example; they get dramatic and freak out about nothing for no reason. And storm off the set.

Who Wins?: Jenny, ’cause Nikki’s being stupid.

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Do You Think I’ll Make it to the Morning if it’s Written?: Nikki feels shafted, like Jenny’s treating her like some “random actress,” a.k.a., “being a professional person in a professional environment,” but let’s not get hung up on technicalities. Jenny explains that she’s just trying to avoid everyone gossiping about them. She’s like, “Did you get my necklace?” but Nikki knows that love don’t cost a thing, like J-Lo, she wants Jenny, not some necklace. Jenny can sense that Nikki’s a bit of a diva and that she needs Jenny’s affirmation — and also, perhaps Jenny even likes her a little bit, wants her to be happy, doesn’t want Nikki to spoil her shoot or her happiness. She’s sort of growing up suddenly. Jenny tells Nikki she wanted to kiss her when she first saw her on set, but she resisted. The time of resistance, however, is over.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #17: I Refuse To Believe That It’s Only Me You’re Feeling
The Players: Jenny and Nikki
The Pick-Up: “Ohhhh, I thought that you were angry … whhhat?”
Hot or Not?: Any situation involving two hot girls where one moans to the other “I wish I could fuck you right now” is a good one. And … a hot one.

Haviland: “Meanwhile, thousands of dollars are being wasted by all the people on set waiting for you while you’re being immature.”
Riese: “I didn’t realise that Nikki had such a nice ass.”

Did you?

If You Wanna be Her Lover, You Gotta Get With Her Financer: Nikki’s still got her mike on, so everyone’s listening to the hookup. Jenny says “you’re so naughty” — Hav says that’s a normal/hot thing to say, we disagree. Aaron & Tina get word that William’s on his way. Never fear! Adele to the rescue! This girl is either psycho or the best assistant ever. She trots on over to the cart that Papi used to eat churros from, where William — who, P.S., I could not POSSIBLY love more — is enjoying egg whites. She gives him the dish — Jenny & Nikki are involved. He looks a bit unimpressed, but then she says that Nikki was “so young, and so fresh, and so green,” and really “nervous” about the role, but Jenny saved the day by fucking her. That is a really nice approach to life, and like William, I’m gonna think about that. Ultimately, William eats the story right up … and even when a furious Aaron, yelling at Jenny about her contract, rushes to William to apologize, William can’t stay mad at Jenny. he loves her! So do we! Look at her! She’s such a manipulative weirdo amazing ball of psychotic joy.

Look at these facial expressions! She’s like “William, they’re being mean to me!” And he’s like, “Aw, you’re wearing the watch!” and she kisses it and he’s like “that Nikki, what a rascal!” I can’t describe this scene for you, you must see it with your own two eyes.

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All Eyes Are On Me Now: Shane’s fixing Alice’s cute puffy crying eyes so she can do her podcast. (Kinda strange, ’cause podcasts don’t involve video, so it wouldn’t really matter what her eyes look like … oh! It’s not a podcast, it’s a VLOG!) This often happens before Hav and I do a vlog. Or does it? Poor Alice, she’s been crying all day. Max shoots: Alice says they’re gonna interview Nikki, here on the set of this great new film about the lives and loves of Los Angeles lesbians.

Is Anyone Throwing Paint on Jenny’s fur coat? ‘Cause If Not, It Ain’t No Thang: Barney Fife from The Andy Griffith Show has been sent over to say there’s protesters here who want to shut down the film, ’cause they don’t want their neighborhood portrayed as a hotbed of lesbian “sex and salaciousness.” There is nothing about that I understand, who wouldn’t want lesbian sex & salaciousness in their neighborhood? Tina says they have permits. No matter! Let’s see who these protesters are.The best part of this scene is that William says “let’s take the limo” even though the protesters are literally about two meters away.

Lesbian Squabble #16: It’s All About the Benjamins

In the Ring: Dawn, The Girl Who Auditioned for Donna, and Lover Cindi vs. Team Lez Girls, starring Daddy Warbucks and the Unrealistic Conniving Promiscuous Sex-Fiends

Content: Dawn & friends don’t like how lesbians are portrayed in this film, but Shane & friends point out that Dawn doesn’t even live here, and Shane reminds Jenny that these are the Shebar girls from “the other night” and Jenny gets it right away. Dawn, this is not a good strategy to get SheBar as a location. William asks how much it’ll cost to get them to leave — $5K each? Denbo’s like “no way” and her friend’s like “I’ll take it.” And so they go write up some checks, I guess that’s how William does things, but it seems a bit steep. Dawn says they’ll be getting a lot more money before this is over. This woman cannot leave the scene without an additional threat. Also, Cindi and Dawn need to deal with their shit in PRIVATE. This is out of fucking control, why is it not on the podcast? EXPOSE THEM!

Who Wins?: Alice, because when they walk away, this happens …

Quote of the Week (’cause it’s like “Yay Alice, even in your sorrow, you are swearing like a sailor!”)

Alice: “Fuck you Denbo AND your dumb lover, you’re a ratfuck!”
Denbo: “Shane, don’t talk to my girlfriend!”

Every Breath She Takes: Shane’s a fan of Adele’s makeover. She asks Adele how she’d like her haircut. Adele wants … a Jenny cut. I’m tired, running out of jokes. Moving on.

Bette thinks Jodi did a great thing that day by taking the fall for her, and it’s weird ’cause Jodi is totally into gun control and doesn’t like guns. Kit thinks it’s okay to get guns, like Shane does at the gym. Wow, I am really out of jokes. Kit wants a gun. They go to the set, Tina’s there, um, Tina’s glad to see Bette. Me too, they both look really hot today.

xoxo gossip girl: Tina gives Bette the dirt: “Jenny is uh — fucking the star.” I kinda go for this moment — I feel like one of the most intrinsic and comforting parts about returning to a former significant other is knowing exactly how they process gossip, all your little inside opinions. Bette says the movie will be okay, because Tina’s producing it. Then our hearts melt.

All About Adele: Max says “wow, that haircut’s really popular.” He’s so on top of his shit right now. He says it looks like Jenny’s, and she acts like it’s some strange coincidence. Like how she’s coincidentally psychotic.

Also, I Cannot NOT Mention Kit’s Necklace Problem: We end this glorious episode with a Kittism … Shane tells Kit that the SheBar girls tried to shut down the filming and Kit remarks: “Get the fuck outta here! You know, we’re gonna take them down. That’s it. It’s on! You guys with me?” OMG I just had a brain explosion: Dawn knows that Shane fucked Cindi because it was all part of their plan to have an excuse to go after The Planet, which they planned on doing all along! Also, the girls discuss how Adele’s new haircut is a lot like Jenny’s — she acted all innocent with Max, as if Shane hadn’t already informed her that she was being Tara Marks. Also, Max is kinda cute in this scene. He should do a podcast. I might not mind watching it. Just like I don’t mind watching this show.

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The Round-Up:

Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this episode, 16 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 17 total
Quote of the Week: Alice
Really Papi Really Award: Phyllis
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Seven-point-five.