Yes, yes. The gif. I know. You need it, fine, okay, got it.
Watson’s been freed from SHU and she’s got a hankering for mashed potatoes. I get a hankering for mashed potatoes just from taking a shower or walking up a set of stairs. Man, now I’m gonna spend the rest of this recap wishing I was eating mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes.
Alex and Nicky are best lesbros, a development I’m totally down with and fully support. Their version of hanging out is daring each other to eat a lot of saltine crackers in a short amount of time. Six saltines in 30 seconds? What is this, child’s play? Put some cheese slices in there, add about twenty more crackers, and you got yourself a real challenge, bitches please. Alex says she can’t resist a dare, eh? I feel like there’s more than one Straddler with any number of dares in their pants…er, up their sleeves.
okay so uh use protection on your sleeves
Watson stretches her arms out because she can’t believe she’s free.
let’s talk about a lesbian version of titanic AND WHY IT’S NOT A THING YET
But what’s this I hear in the distance? Is it…could it be…it’s FFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHHBBBAACCCKKKKK TIME! Baby Watson is playing on the playground when some boys come around and start trying to start races. I love Baby Watson for knowing she can beat them, choosing to beat them down verbally and then beat them down by outrunning them. But then she turns and there’s that beautiful moment when she wonders what she’s won, because the other girls are with the boys and she’s not. I don’t know why this registered as a baby queer moment to me, but oh god, I remember being that kid who wanted to beat the boys and never kiss them, and kept wondering why that was wrong. Shit, guys.
The WAC is holding its first meeting, and all anybody cares about is donuts. And who could blame them? You ever had a Dunkin Donut dozen munchkins first thing in the morning? How about those French crullers? This is a French cruller French tip lifestyle, right here. Anyway, okay, not donuts. Show. I’m recapping the show. In the meeting, they’re throwing around ideas for improvements. Apparently Sriracha sauce is a major concern in the prison, CAN WE BLAME THEM, and double pillows are an issue. Piper is confused as to why no one is taking up “serious” issues like fitness programs, legal counseling, and of course, that darn GED class.
mmmasdhhhghasdddddffffffff
Healy says that since the money is tight, they’ll have to choose between prison changes or coffee and Dunkin Donuts. I believe it was America who said that it ran on fucking Dunkin, so yes, the donuts are the choice. Piper continues to be confused by this situation. Baby girl, things are corrupt and sometimes you just want breakfast pastries. Taystee reminds Piper that a) the whole WAC is a sham, and b) she wants a shorter sentences so it’s best not to try and self-appoint yourself as head social worker.
Doggett is still not pleased with her loss in the elections, so she’s asking around on who voted for who, specifically for Piper. Turns out nobody did, and that does not smell like the sweet balm of Jesus to Doggett. Speaking of Jesus, girl just got Judas-ed.
but let’s all look at alex instead of talk about the bible
Piper is playing Snake on the toilet, which is better than Instagramming on the toilet, I guess? Surprise dick pic from Diablo, by the way. That’s always fun.
me at age 16 contemplating heterosexuality
Piper and Watson are crawling around in the ceiling trying to solve an electrical problem. Piper is being overly sweet and nice to Watson, who takes no time in realizing that Piper’s being too nice because it was her fault that Watson got thrown in SHU. Looks like we’ve just gotten a new star batter for Team Hates Piper.
home run
Morello is making a vision board of her life beyond prison. Norma, you are the dark horse of this show and I hope you emerge as the most powerful prisoner of all by the end of next season.
Butches and dogs! Dogs and butches! What can be better? Nothing, actually. Nothing is better than butches and dogs. Boo shows up with a dog because it’s time for dog therapy. Boo has named her dog Little Boo. Everything is alright in the world.
the ladies love butches with dogs
Meanwhile, Piper is making me ashamed of my degree by using her skills of literary analysis for Debbie Downerisms. Taystee and Tricia are talking about shortening their sentences, and reference The Road Less Traveled. You know, where there’s two roads in the woods and you take the one less traveled because you’re different and special, blah blah, famous white guy poetry. Piper attempts to explain the origins of the poem and Taystee and Tricia could not roll their eyes harder.
Caputo and Fischer have a weird thing going on. That’s all I gotta say about that.
Piper’s dropping off her laundry late. Alex allows it, but there’s not a lot of loving there. Piper says hey, remember that time we would stay in the Four Seasons and have crazy amazing lesbian sex and — yeah, Alex is not there for that. Let’s continue to feel complicated thoughts about whether or not we think this is a healthy thing for them, but we still want them to have sex. Right? Right.
you used to be a small strap on girl but looky loo
We’re in Healy’s kitchen, aka the epicenter of innocent anti-lesbian ignorance. His wife and mother-in-law are having a heated conversation in Ukrainian, which Healy clearly cannot understand. Poor dude, non-Anglocentric versions of reality are hard for Americans to swallow. Lordy knows we have to deep fry everything we don’t understand in order to consume it.
Larry continues to lose what little respect any of us have for him. He feels lame that he has to hang out with couples by himself (whatever, bitch) and he’s going to write that column after all! You know, the one he positively promised Piper he would not write? Yeah, that one. Classy fella.
i wanna shove a copy of the new york times up your poophole
Is that dorm sex I hear? Naw, I wish. And yet I don’t wish? Anyway, the grunting and the panting is just Watson is working out in her dorm. Raise your hand if you were hoping Taystee and Poussey were finally exploring their relationship? Your hand is raised, isn’t it?
(SWOONING)
Wait, wait. What’s that rustling in the grass? A WILD FLASHBACK HAS APPEARED! Teen Watson is heading into the locker room after winning another track championship. Her coach is talking scholarships and scouts, but Watson’s noticing that the other girl has a boy waiting for her, and they’re getting touchy.
Back in the present, Watson’s mad. She’s really mad and she’s looking for something to hate, and Yoga Jones has stepped into the ring. Unfortunately, even Yoga Jones has her tipping point, and when Watson asks her if she killed a kid, Yoga Jones slaps her in the face.
Piper stops by Healy’s office to talk about re-opening the track. She talks about the merits of exercise and wow, is this her Debbie Downer episode or what? I’m falling asleep just thinking about what walking around a track does for my heart health. Healy says hey, wow, shut up nicely, and find me the cell phone and I’ll open the track. Thaaaat’s coincidental.
I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT YOU WON’T DO ANY MORE OF THE LESBIAN THING WITH THE OTHER LESBIANS IN THE LESBIAN THING
Bennett has to make up a girlfriend (and her sister) to satisfy Pornstache’s weird curiosity about Bennett’s sex life. Man, is there one of those guys at every workplace ever? There is, isn’t there?
Taystee is studying for her early release hearing. Poussey makes a lot of great faces. So here’s Poussey’s great face.
yes
Piper nabs the phone. For science. Actually, for the science of exercise.
Doggett runs into Piper and asks her what serving the powers that be is worth. For Doggett, it’s worth a new set of teeth to replace her meth teeth. Doggett says the stakes are higher for her than they’ll ever be for Piper, and damn it, it’s true. I have a lot of feelings about Doggett.
mlarghblarrrgghhh
Did Pornstache seriously just ask Red to make him a fucking sandwich? Sit down, sir! You don’t ask Red anything. Since Pornstache is now having trouble getting his drug business into the prison, he needs Red’s help. And by needing Red’s help, I mean threatening her into it. Red’s not easy to shake down. Pornstache says this means war. Bring it, bitch.
Piper hands the phone over, but surprise, everything but the noonie picture has been deleted and Piper’s not telling him who it belonged to. Healy says the track is not opening until he knows who is responsible for the phone. Piper’s still not going to give it up.
Taystee’s look goal for the hearing is Rihanna circa 2009. I mean, that’s like at least 25 different looks, but I don’t think you can go wrong with Rih.
FLAWLESS
Piper and Fischer know each other because Fischer used to bag Piper’s groceries in Red Hook. Oh, how the taaaaables have tuuuuuurned. Piper enlists Fischer’s help. I like Fischer.
Doggett is shit-talking Piper and getting ready to smite her Old Testament-style when Alex has this to say:
Then she threatens her with Christian-corrupting lesbian sex. So.
Wait, wait? What’s this I hear? Is that whispering of FFFFFLLLAASSSHHHBBBAACCCKKKTTTIIMMMEEEEE. Watson is at a party where she clearly feels out of place, but she’s trying! The guy running the party, and assumed gangster who brings money to the neighborhood, tells Watson to get out of the party for her own sake, and if she ever needs shoes, to hit him up. Of course she runs into the troublemaker outside. Oh, honey, we know what’s about to happen.
Larry is super pathetic at a bar. I can’t even with this joker.
Watson and the guy from earlier (boyfriend? we don’t know) are in the middle of a robbery. Of course, when the cops are on the chase and push comes to shove, Watson’s the one who gets caught and thrown under the bus. Goodbye scholarships, future, all the things she was promised. The one time she tried to do what everyone else wanted her to do, the one time she tried to fit in, this happened.
Back in the present, the track is open and Watson is running. She’s feeling freer than she’s felt in a long time.
booty shot
I have so many feelings for Watson right now. She just broke my heart a bit in this episode.
I love that Little Boo is named Little Boo. I <3 Boo. I want Boo's back story.
sweet jesus, butches and dogs.
Most of my feelings from this episode came from the realization that the bartender that Larry complains to in a completely awful way played Caitlin in Caitlin’s way. And then I proceeded to have a lot of feelings about Caitlin’s Way, because that was an Important Show for me during my youth.
Also, Little Boo forever.
OH I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THAT WAS HER!! I thought to myself “she looks so familiar, but where from” I loved Caitlin’s Way!!
I just finished the last half hour doing a google search on Caitlin’s Way. HOW DID IT END?!? Feelings!
Wait, what? That wasn’t a baby queer moment?
Ah, if only Watson WAS gay she probably wouldn’t be in this mess. I love how they paralleled that moment of the little boy telling her to “stop showing off” with the dude that gets her caught up saying the exact same phrase. It’s her memory of losing out on playing with the boy she liked that made her turn around and get caught. So basically what I’m saying is that everyone should be gay.
Is it just me or does everyone think of Mr. Schuster everytike someone on this show mentions the SHU?
Oh, great. I’m now imagining a hellish little hole in the ground where inmates struggle to endure sweater vests and are coerced into singing about their feelings. Thanks for that.
Doggett gives me a lot of feelings too. Besides the religion and the meth problem, she is basically my people.
I have a lot of feelings about rural as shorthand for stupid, which is basically what’s happening here.
I laughed when Fischer said Piper used to find her reusable bags and make her re-pack everything at the end. As a cashier, totally accurate.
I love Watson, I’d like to see more of her.
Gotta be honest, if I was in prison I would totally pull a Piper and awkwardly explain shit like that poem (but it would likely be history or politics or science fiction and not poetry that I expounded upon).
Healy’s wife and Mother-In-Law were speaking Russian, so I have no fucking reason why he was reading a Ukrainian book.
This gave me a lot of mixed-angry feelings because okay, cool, there’s obviously some Ukrainian representation but they’re not speaking Ukrainian but like 70% of Ukrainians know Russian and 50% are Russophonic so it’s actually more likely to find recent emigrants that speak Russian more than Ukrainian BUT THEN WHY WOULD HEALY BE READING A BOOK ON UKRAINIAN THEY ARE NOT THE SAME LANGUAGE I JUST DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE MORE MAD THAT THEY’RE NOT SPEAKING UKRAINIAN OR THAT THE PRODUCERS ARE BLATANTLY IMPLYING THAT THEY ARE THE SAME LANGUAGE.
kade, I haz feelings. Could you edit that in your recap?
Well Healey and his wife clearly have limited communication. Maybe all he heard was a foreign language and assumed it was Ukrainian since she’s from the Ukraine (I think?)
I dunno, weird.
(Since I’m on a nationalistic rampage, please note that there is no article in the country’s name. It’s just Ukraine.)
Gotta say, though, that this doesn’t really make any sense since later, Red is acting as a translator, and it’s established that Red is Russian, so obviously Healy is aware that his wife speaks Russian. Maybe he’s just an idiot initially and doesn’t realize the language mix-up until later? I don’t know; it just came across as a very bizarre inconsistency to me.
I thought the same thing (they were speaking Russian but the book was Ukranian?). Maybe it’s one of those things the show does so well, using something small to show something major about a character. Because Healey is a clueless asshole.
I also noticed that inconsistency and was confused. You were the 1st person that came into my mind because you are Ukrainian, and then Red came into the picture, I got more confused, and so thank you for the explanation / clarification, and, yes, Healy is basically clueless, poor guy.
Let’s just assume Healy is an idiot.
If Alex threatened me with lesbian sex, I would talk shit about Piper ALL the days.
I do it anyway, so… Yes.
I really don’t want Poussey and Tastee to hook up! Just let ’em be a broship! They can be besties without gettin’ it on! People need to know that it’s possible!
So I’m going to present an unpopular opinion.
Alex threatening Doggest with sex is not hot.
She was threatening to rape her.
You can’t give consent when you’re not awake, and as much as we love Alex don’t we also love enthusiastic consent?
I like Alex, but that really really bothered me.
Yeeeeah, that was not a favourite moment for me. And also, there blatant implication that lesbian sex is punishment undoes the idea of it being a positive, healthy thing.
I hear you, and I think you raise a really good point about consent and sex as punishment. That said, I just can’t help myself – I still think Alex’s speech is incredibly hot. I would almost certainly have felt very differently about it if Alex had actually gone through with it, but Doggett had been so obnoxious with her homophobia up until that point that I really wanted to hear someone tell her off. There are a lot more things I can say about how the show presents Doggett as almost entirely unsympathetic to give us a villain that we can feel okay about hating, but I’ll save that for later recaps.
Yes to all of this.
See, I disagree. A rape threat is a threat, and threats count as violence, even without follow-through. Why are we reacting so flippantly – and even reacting with desire – to this speech? What Alex is threatening her with is rape. In general, we (using the royal “we” here) don’t see woman-on-woman violence as something that’s as serious as male violence towards women, and I’m assuming that this probably-subconscious bias that we’ve all learned is why we see this threat as a harmless (or “hot”) tell-off.
Think about it, guys. If a dude said those things to a woman, even one as “unsympathetic” as Doggett, it wouldn’t be awesome or attractive. It would be undeniably violent and horrifying and we’d call it what it is. Why is it so hard to do that when the person doing the threatening is an attractive dyke?
And in response to brooklynapple’s comment just downthread, I know that by definition, queer sexuality bends rules of mainstream sexuality and, for example, can involve things that involve power dynamics in different ways, but queer sexuality is also about consent. There is no consent here. There is, actually, explicitly a lack of consent. This isn’t about showing queer sexuality in a hot, realistic way because non-consensual violence has no place in expressions queer sexuality.
I think that the threat has a place in the show, for sure, but it’s not an expression of Alex’s queerness. In the first half of this season, the show skimps on the real violence that takes place in prisons, whether that’s inmate/inmate or inmate/guard violence. Shit starts to escalate from this episode on, but now that I’ve seen this season through a couple of times, I don’t see Alex’s threat as some benign expression of her queerness. I see it as one of the turning points where the show starts to ease (/shove) the viewer toward the much darker place(s) we’ll get to by episode 13.
TL;DR: rape threats are rape threats, even when they come from the hot dyke we all have big feelings for.
I think most people here probably enjoy that speech because they would love it if Alex made that same threat towards them – that is, we take it out of its original context (which many of us are probably at least somewhat uncomfortable with) and put it in one that we like better. It doesn’t mean that we actually think it’s okay to rape someone just if we are hot. If she had actually done it, I don’t think you would see the same reaction on these boards.
However, I actually liked the scene for the opposite reason. Two of the things I love about this show is that the main characters are explicitly not good people and that it is totally willing to take us to highly uncomfortable places. I find moments like this and Pensatucky smearing blood on Piper while uttering death threats to be fascinating – it’s the dark side of humanity in characters that we do still see as human.
Also, I don’t actually think Alex was entirely serious in that threat. Yes, she kissed Tucky for revenge in episode 9, but I don’t think she would actually touch her sexually, to punish her or not. Instead, the revenge that she actually performed was insinuating that Tucky was secretly gay (in front of everyone), as opposed to trying to turn her gay with sex. And at the time of the threat, I also wasn’t convinced that Tucky took the threat seriously – in that moment I couldn’t tell if she was actually scared or if she just couldn’t come up with a good comeback. If I thought that Alex would actually rape someone for revenge (a la Jacks in Wentworth), I would find the whole thing much more horrible. I personally think Alex was just manipulating her and playing mind games, and honestly I loved that threat because I thought it was brilliant – there couldn’t be a worse threat to Pensatucky, because she is highly homophobic. But maybe I’m just a twisted sicko.
I do, however, completely agree with what you said about there being a double standard, and that we are more able to write it off as a tell-off because it’s a girl and not a guy saying it. Great observation. I think less straight women would find a guy saying something like that attractive as lesbians do when it’s Alex saying it, because it seems like more of a threat due to that double standard.
I agree rape threats are not hot.
But I really liked that scene, so much so that I could not stop laughing when it happened. And I feel that my reaction was not because I approve of girl on girl rape, and not because I don’t recognize that threatening people with rape is about power and dominance.
I think I reacted so strongly because of the history of religious people attempting to assert their political power over LGBT people, because of the inherent power dynamics at play in regards to sneering religiosity vs. sexuality. And Doggett represented that hypocritical, sanctimonious, holier than thou, I am going to tell you how to live your life Christian that we have all met at some point. (However, I also have a lot of feelings about her representation as a character as well, both as a religious zealout and an uneducated meth-head from the sticks.)
So this scene felt like vindication to me. It felt like the traditional power narrative got turned on its head, and the religious person got to feel very real fear the way gay people all too often feel very real fear.
And I know that rape threats are not okay, and I don’t feel like Alex was justified in any defensible way, but at the same time, it’s prison, and she’s a flawed character, just like everyone else in the show, and I felt like that threat was in keeping with the rest of her character. Also, I feel like this scene illustrates how rape is soooo not about sex, but about power. Because Alex is not threatening to fuck Doggett because she’s horny or whatever. She’s threatening to fuck her to prove her dominance.
I recognize how this scene could make some people uncomfortable, or even be triggering, but I thought it was really well done. I would not try to justify the rape threat, just my reaction to it.
I want to say thank you to everyone in this thread for your really insightful, smart comments on the issue of rape and consent and Alex’s threat to Doggett. I absolutely agree with those who are saying that rape threats are not hot and non-consensual violence has no place in healthy, hot representations of queer sexuality. And you guys are right – if it had been a guy making the threat instead of Alex, I would have found it totally disturbing and not hot at all, which is a really interesting and troubling double standard. These comments have definitely made me think a lot about my initial reaction to the scene.
And yet, I still find the scene hot, and I’ve been thinking a lot and trying to unpack exactly why that is.
To start with, the show is at least partially setting it up to be that way – you have a character who has been established as “the hot one” talking about how she’s going to bring someone to the point of orgasm with her tongue and then make them “beg for it”. The speech is as much about having a hot character talk dirty to the (presumably appreciative) audience as it is a way to threaten Doggett. And at least for me, it totally, totally works. One of the many reasons that I find Alex so hot as a character is her completely frank, unapologetic expressions of her sexuality and lesbian desire, not just in this scene but in many scenes – she loves fucking women, and makes absolutely no attempt to hide it. Her strong sense of self and the way she revels in her sexuality (“when a girl makes you come the way I do, you should always act thrilled to see her”) are one of the hottest things I’ve seen on TV in a long time.
And then, as Heather points out above, there’s the power dynamic, which I think is really fascinating and complex in this scene. Leaving aside the threat to Doggett for a second, there’s the power dynamic of fucking someone and making them beg to come, which is fairly common sexual power play and, for some of us at least, a total turn-on. So to start with there’s that, on the surface.
And then you get into the more complicated power dynamic involved in Alex using her sexuality as a threat against a homophobic antagonist. Heather is spot-on when she points out the Christian right’s long history of using the specter of “threatening” queer sexuality as a way to oppress the LGBT community. And here, Alex is turning the tables. It may not be right, but it’s hard not to have a least a small sense of schadenfreude when you see this happen. And it could only come from a character like Alex, who is confident and secure in her sexuality and also someone who very much likes power and being in control.
This same dynamic is also being played out on a more micro level in the prison itself, where a very homophobic administration (represented primarily by Healy), goes to great lengths to shame and criminalize lesbian sexuality and lesbians themselves. In a show that’s basically set in 2013, where gay marriage is legal in many states and the Supreme Court just overturned part of DOMA, the prison has no problem punishing people for lesbian sex and calling lesbians “sick”. Lesbian sexuality is absolutely used against the lesbian and queer inmates, including by Doggett herself, when she runs to Healy and gets Chapman thrown in the SHU for her “lesbian activity”. So I have a hard time summoning too much sympathy for Doggett when Alex uses her lesbian sexuality to assert power over Doggett. No one is taking the high road here, and sometimes you get sick of ignoring all the haters (especially when their hatred can have real punitive consequences for you) and you just need to fucking fight back. And that’s what Alex did.
And you’re right, it still doesn’t excuse her behavior or make rape threats okay, but I think context does matter, and there’s a lot of complicated context here.
Thanks again for all of the super thought-provoking comments!
(late reply is late, but…) NAILED IT.
I hated the fact that she made a threat, but I loved how it was done. I second the love of it basically making a point to show how rape REALLY works.
“Then she threatens her with Christian-corrupting lesbian sex. So.”
I’ve been adoring these recaps and mad props to Kate for writing them, but I’ve gotta say that I think Alex’s amazing speech to Doggett in this scene deserves more than just that one line. So I’m gonna turn this comment into recap amateur hour and give you the following, inserted directly after the screencaps of Alex telling Doggett to shut the fuck up:
Doggett sneers back “Or you’ll what?” and Alex, never one to back down from a dare, slides off her glasses, shoves Doggett against a dryer, and delivers the following amazing speech which I may or may not be reproducing from memory:
“Or I will fuck you. Literally. I will sneak into your bunk in the middle of the night, and I’ll lick your pussy. And I will do it so good, and so soft, that you’re gonna be on the edge of coming before you wake up. And then I’ll stop. And you’ll be half asleep, but you’ll beg for it. Oh, you’ll beg for it. And maybe I’ll be nice, and maybe I won’t. But if I am nice, the things you feel? They’ll ruin you, forever. So, you know…choose.”
And yes, it’s a threat and it’s Alex wielding her sexuality as a weapon, but it’s also a scene like nothing we’ve ever seen on TV before. And a gift to the many viewers who would like nothing so much as to have Alex shove them up against a dryer and talk dirty to them in a way that we’ve previously only ever seen in fanfic when it comes to mainstream TV shows. My jaw hit the floor when I saw that scene, because it proved without a doubt that the show is going to GO THERE in terms of showing queer sexuality in a hot, realistic way that isn’t packaged to reassure or titillate mainstream audiences. And I fucking love it.
Ohhh Alex. If she doesn’t end up with Piper, can she end up with me? More flashbacks of Alex and Piper pleaaase. There’s never enough.
Also, sometimes I can’t stop remembering Laura Prepon as her character from That 70’s show. Alex>Donna.
Alex = Too good for Piper. ‘Nuff said.
I want Fisher to have a spin off so bad.
Whether we agree with the characters and their actions or not, this show does an amazing job of getting us talking.
Piper’s interaction with Watson in the ducts is so White Guilt it’s not even funny.