Hello and welcome to the 21st episoe of the fourth abysmal season of Glee, a show about what happens when innocent children eat too many meatballs, do a lot of ecstasy, staple their clothes together and cheer like wild hyenas while performing their parents’ favorite songs.
You guys this episode was SO STUPID. Just stupid. Do you remember when Mr. Shue’s wife had an imaginary baby? Here’s the thing: we can handle only one imaginary baby per episode. Just one imaginary baby. This episode was sort of innocuously ridiculous, but really this entire SEASON has been like a nonstop Imaginary Baby Parade. And to what end? Have any of these extensions-of-disbelief lead to fantastic moments of television? Is there still an emotional truth for us to hold onto? We can’t handle an entire episode in which not one single plot point could potentially make sense in the real world. Can just one student — just ONE — abide by the traditional rules of college admission and matriculation? Just one. Honestly, the only thing that happened in this episode that would ever happen in real life is when Burt found out his cancer was in remission. That’s right. Curing cancer is the most realistic thing on this show.
We open with a cross-country mobile-telephone-enabled conversation between The New Rachel in her Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft and Mr. Schuster, who’s rummaging around the Teacher’s Lounge looking for the afikoman.
i tried anal intercourse for the first time and it was awesome!
Rachel says she’s one of three ladies in the running for Funny Girl and says it’s all thanks to Mr. Shue! because she sang “Don’t Stop Believin'” at her audition.
You know, the song Finn taught the Glee Club to sing at the end of Episode 101 because Mr. Shue, shortly after taking over Glee Club, had swiftly decided to kick it — and McKinley High — to the curb in favor of better health insurance for his lunatic wife’s non-existant baby. That song!
hmmm i know i left a fetus in here somewhere…
Cut to Glee Club Buena Vista Social Gentleperson’s Club. Mr. Shue shows up to share everybody’s personal details: The New Rachel may just be The Funniest Girl Standing, Will re-proposed to Emma and she re-said-yes, and Brittany’s pregnant! Just kidding, Brittany’s visiting her future college, M.I.T., because why anything. In honor of this “wonderful” news, they’ll be singing Stevie Wonder songs all week!
yup. you said i couldn’t do math but look how i wrote the fuck out of that word on the whiteboard
The squirrels flip out like it’s 1979! YAH STEVIE WONDER!!!!!!!
the children were overjoyed to watch mr. shue and ryder bieber-strong play the mirror game
Back in the Hallowed Hallways, Fake Quinn’s decided to pull a Classic Glee Maneuver by sticking her butt into somebody else’s life so they can see the moon reflected in her eyeballs. This time it’s Artie, who just got into the Brooklyn Film Academy, but isn’t going and he won’t tell her why and doesn’t want her to tell anybody.
no i am using all the flavored lube for my art project and you can’t have any
We then wrap our entire bodies in Saran Wrap, build a gigantic flume, roll around in a tub of butter, and avalanche ourselves all the way to New York, New York, where Kurt’s packing, OCD-style, for a trip back to Ohio for his father’s doctor’s appointment!
fuck that biore pore strip burns like a motherfucker
Kurt: “Yes, I’m getting a little OCD leading up to this appointment. Rachel said it was a natural response, just me looking to control my anxiety in some way. I figure I need to cut myself some slack. So what if I have a few new rituals to get me through the day.”
Stress puts OCD into overdrive: true fact.
Ah! Whoops. Sorry, wrong person/episode:
EEK! Wrong show. One sec. Okay…
Yes, that’s right.
Okay, so Kurt says that his Dad got him through his Mom dying, so if his Dad also died that would be THE WORST. Yeah, duh, especially when this plot was used in 404 as a device to get Burt to New York and is now being used in 421 as a device to get Kurt back to Ohio, with really no other purpose besides to make me cry.
(Well, also it makes me think of real life: of friends who are dealing with or who have dealt with this and how one of the hardest parts is that it’s so rarely possible/affordable to be there for the doctor’s appointments. That’s a relate-able struggle. If only we all lived in Glee-land!)
We then board Kurt’s Magical Free New York-Ohio Teleportation Device and zoom on over to Ohio, where Mercedes and Mike Chang are ALSO visiting. What timing!
come on just pop a junior mint in my mouth for old time’s sake!
Also Kurt’s giving Blaine the full-body staredown of eternal lust and true love:
yup. that dude did me in the butt.
Cut to the Glee Room, where the kiddos erupt into multiple short orgasms of delight when the Alums show up. Then Fake Quinn breaks into “Signed, Sealed Delivered” while rubbing her vagina in Artie’s face.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3fX-wxQ5Kw
I think everybody did Whippits before filming this morning.
pussy power!
Then Fake Quinn tells everybody that Artie got into film school, just like he told her not to! Mercedes says Fake Quinn’s performance was “good” but for Regionals, it’s gotta “be great.” While the children try to wrap their heads around the concept of it being important to be great instead of good for a huge competition, Fake Quinn and Mercedes exchange some unnecessary bitchery, via which we learn that Mercedes is in town to be a vocal coach and shoot her first music video (it’s “about home”) and Mike’s there to help Glee Club with choreography.
so that’s what’s passing for plot around here these days, is it
Tina’s unimpressed by Mike Chang’s insertion into this episode:
Tina: “I love you Mike. I love all my exes. But this isn’t wonderful news, it’s shocking. Now we need some guy to help us dance? Hash tag Glee Hates Girls. And what are you here to lecture us about Kurt, our horrible taste in clothing?”
It’s almost as if nobody at Glee has any idea what women are actually talking about when women actually say that Glee hates girls.
#gleedoesntunderstandwhygirlshategleebecausemikechangdancingisntwhy
Fake Quinn chases Artie through the hallowed halls and Artie insists he’s skipping film school ’cause his Mom’s too nervous about leaving Artie all alone in a big city.
listen i just really think the social environment at the university of lima is a match come true for me, i mean i really love the harlem shake
Cut to Java the Hut, where Blaine’s chattering about the historic and exciting new world of gay marriage in New York, which happened two fucking years ago.
this just in: there’s been a terrible storm in New Orleans
Blaine tells Kurt that he looks sexy. Not just sexy, but “dirty sexy,” which I assume is a reference to a Klaine Sexual Position®.
well i could go for a pony ride…
Mercedes chatters to Mike Chang about her music video, as she’s seemingly hired him as a choreographer and requires moves that are full of “club-kid sickness,” “fresh-fresh-fresh” and “smooth with a v” and Blaine steals stealthy glances at Kurt organizing his sugar packets.
hell naw dude i told you i didn’t swing that way, dirty-sexy or not
Mercedes asks if Blaine and Kurt are back together and Blaine says they’re just friends but his eyes say “we’re just soulmates forever and in love.” Then Kurt says none of this is important because of his Dad! Mercedes says it’s okay, they’ll all get through it together.
in honor of all the lesbians who could not be here with us today, let’s all hold hands and have feelings like lesbians
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I just have to say that I laugh out loud every time there’s a caption about Junior Mints and I have no idea why I think it’s so funny.
Also, Jacob Artist really is a heck of a dancer.
Also, they can’t win regionals, it’s the end of the season. There’s nowhere else to go if they win regionals. They ran out of school year. I have no idea what’s going on with that.
It’s still mid-April in the Glee universe, so they still have plenty of time. They’re continuing the rest of this school year in the next season.
hahaha time
augh why
is that a really yes you know that or a guess? even if a guess, it is totally plausible.
does anyone else remember when on 90210 (not specifying, there is only one real 90210) they just did a whole extra year of high school? senior year twice. because why not. i hated it at the time (i was in 7th grade, i think, and so time was very rigid because TEENAGER) but i would actually prefer that to this. at least the months matched, their calendar school year was the same school year as mine. is it even mid-april in glee-land? other than the weather it seems like january.
Kurt checked off his calendar in this episode, and you can work out that it’s April, plus Regionals are always around that time.
Chord Overstreet said this: “The final two episodes are more toward gearing up for Regionals. The school year is half this year and the other half next year.”
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/glee-spoilers-chord-overstreet-regionals-season-4-finale-448481
And Ryan Murphy said this: “We’re doing some weird sh*t on the show, just wait. I don’t want to do what we’ve done every year; I want to do something different.”
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/glees-ryan-murphy-prepping-potential-425286
if nothing else, this show has an outstanding ability to make Lea Michele have chemistry with every female she has scenes with. Rachel Berry/Penny Lane, I ship it.
Dianna Agron, too. (God I miss Rachel/Quinn scenes)
she has pretty decent chemistry with everyone that is he skill not the shows.
i think that’s lea — at least back in the day before glee, she just has a lot of sexual energy in general. like she was one of those people who seemed like she could probably successfully seduce a tree
On point as always, and your captions had me in complete hysterics.
It’s a riot that even Darren Criss acknowledges Glee’s failure to be entertaining while filming the actual episodes.
Nothing makes sense on this show anymore, continuity isn’t even a concept to the writers at this point.
Riese, your continued obsession with junior mints (are they just small mints?) is the only reason I still read these recaps.
I hope one day love wins out and you get gay-straight-mint-married. Like Klaine, but fresher!
[i actually did not even know seinfeld had a junior mint situation, it’s just what came up when i googled “junior mint gif” and i feel like it’s accurate]
What made Mercedes story even dumber is they did it a few episodes ago with Rachel.
Both were faced with the issue of showing more skin for their career. Rachel thought was actually something to ponder.
I don’t get how them asking her to show cleavage meant they didn’t want her just her voice?
yeah i thought rachel’s actually made sense — because it was a specific and honestly realistic situation, that she’d be asked to strip for a crappy student film. and of course no, you save your nudity for an actual film where you’re getting paid and it’s helping your career. it’s just smart business. but mercedes thing didn’t make sense, at all! not one element of it made sense. i honestly think it’s possible that whole subplot just existed to intro her singing “higher ground.”
Oh my god my grandpa is making us watch this episode and I have to tell you how much I appreciate you suffering this for us
Does anyone else think Kurt looks like an old man without his dentures when he starts singing? Where do his teeth go? And furthermore, why did Mercedes become Rachel Berry as soon as she took her jacket off?
YES.
i had sorta noticed in the past but it was really bad this episode and once i started looking, i couldn’t stop. it started to creep me out and i usually think he is the adorbz. but it looks like he is trying to eat his own face.
Kurt’s disappearing teeth are an internet meme of their own. Look it up!
I wonder if this “Mercedes shoulders dilemma” is some sort of backhanded way of addressing the online criticism that they often dress all the girls in the same sleeveless dress but give Mercedes and Unique dresses with sleeves that cover shoulders and upper arms?
I think half the story lines that don’t make any sense are just the writers way of getting digs in at their critics at the expense of the show itself.
thanks for a lovely recap, riese. really excellent captions too.
i had actually never noticed that mercedes’ shoulders never had been shown before until they did. and of course it was smokin’ hot. which is not the case for that extremely unfortunate shirt she was wearing in the scene with her talking to her producer.
i like kate hudson better as a snarling writhing all-abs monster.
GAHHH all episode i was wondering what happened to katie!!! i know– shame on me for ever getting sucked into a plotline.
actually, shame on me for watching when i swore i wouldn’t anymore. i got stuck at a connecting airport overnight when a flight got cancelled. i had nothing better to do. (excuses fuel co-dependency).
last episode expectations: quinn goes to new york to see santana, but her feelings for rachel are brought back to the surface because she walks in on a dance class with the uber chemistry between penny lane/berry.
last episode reality: entire cast gets sent back in time to the jurassic period and they fight for survival hunger games style
… because Glee.
I literally came here just to share my feelings because while watching this episode I thought, man that producer dude looks familiar. A quick imdb search told me, HOLY CRAP IT’S PROTO ZOA FROM ZENON!!!
Sorry, that just made me more excited than a 26 year old should ever get about anything related to Glee or a Disney movie from 1999.
NO WAY, don’t feel bad because that makes me excited too.
Do you seriously not know who Peggy Bundy is?
Dude!
Finally! Someone else who recognizes Katey Segal from Married with Children! And also the voice of that alien in Futurama. :)
If there’s no Quinn and/or Santana with Rachel nothing is worth watching really. :)
Huge placard bearing the missive “Rachel = Fanny”, as a Brit and a Faberry shipper I appreciated this GREATLY!
#GleeActuallyHatesGirls because all of the guys on the show who can dance are given their holy moments of showing off their skills, while the rest of the girls sway in the background except for Brittany who is lucky to appear in half the episodes anymore.
I’m just still royally pissed off that Harry, Jacob,Kevin, Darren and even Chord are worshipped for their ability to dance, but Dianna never got the chance to demonstrate her dancing abilities except in group/background shots. UGH.