Welcome to the eighteenth recap of Glee, a show about a fat orange cat who just wants to sleep, eat lasagna, kick his lousy beagle frenemy off a table and mail his adorable little kitten to Abu Dhabi. Riese won’t be joining us this week because sometimes Glee is just, like, too much you know? I’m sorry this is late though, for real, I just already had loads of feelings about it. Don’t worry though, I’ll fill in the gaps for those of you playing at home.
This week’s episode starts off with a viewer discretion warning, because yes yes yes this episode will make you have tons of feelings because it discusses school violence and man is that a loaded topic. I was so furiously warned about the emotional impact of this episode that I literally had my knots in chest the entire episode. Every scene of Shooting Star was framed to convince you that a shooter could burst in at any moment.
There wasn’t even a “That’s what you missed on Glee.”
We open on Will “I can’t believe my solo carrer didn’t work out and I’m still stuck doing this bullshit” Schuester welcomes Glee Club 2.0 to the stage where he announces their competition for Regionals! From Some High School in Indiana it’s the Hoosierdaddies and from Our Lady of Perpetual Loneliness in Michigan it’s the Nuntouchables.
I’M SO GLAD WE ALL SWITCHED TO UNFLAVORED YOGURT TO IMPROVED OUR DIGESTIVE HEALTH AND HELP REDUCE YEAST INFECTIONS!
In case this wasn’t immediately clear to you and you had to google it, “Hoosier” is what you call someone from Indiana. The more you know! As for the Nuntouchables, I’d be inclined to believe they must be an all girls Catholic school and not a convent except that school in Gleeland is called Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow and their team is The Golden Goblets! If they really wanted to do an all girls choir, instead of a convent somehow squirreling a team of nuns into a high school choir competition, maybe it really should have been an all lesbian 1950’s themed show choir named The Titty Boppers! Glee: hire me for the writing team; I’m available.
NOTHING MAKES ME MORE EXCITED THAN A PG RATING! NOT EVEN RING POPS!
Just then we get this screen image thing and I think it’s going to be a shooter.
LIKE HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK THIS IS A GUN BARREL?
But it’s not, so hold on to your deep stress relieving breathing! Instead, Brittany busts in and announces there’s another astroid/comet/meteor coming directly towards the school. Is it an awesome comet made of lesbians? Nope, it’s the terrible type. The world is going to end soon! Didn’t we already go through this? Y’all need to be more creative.
AN ASTROID AS YOU MAY KNOW IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET YOUR ASS ON STEROIDS.
BUT IF THE WORLD ENDS WHERE WILL I BUY ORGANIC LIP BALM? I CAN’T GO BACK TO CHAPSTICK. I JUST CAN’T.
Blaine:Didn’t we just go through this at Christmas?
Tina:Yeah, and is it true that you and Sam got married? Did that happen?
Brittany:
I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE TODAY TO SING ABOUT RYDER’S BUTT SCRATCHING PROBLEM. RYDER: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IT CLASS MAN. IT’S JUST NOT COOL.
Either way now Brittany wants to sing songs all about last words to people but mostly to her cat Lord Tubbington. Schue is totally into this idea even though it’s sort of alarmist. At this point you would think he would set up a meeting between Brittany and his fiance/girlfriend/ladywoman guidance counselor about distinguishing between real and imaginary and the effect that declaring the end of the world might have on other students. Nope, he’s gonna have them all sing about all of their feelings towards each other. Which is somehow different than what they do every week? I’d love to comment on that more but I’m too distracted by Artie’s commitment to mimicking Mr. Schue’s body language.
OH THESE HANDS ARE SMALL I KNOW BUT THEY’RE NOT YOURS THEY ARE MY OWN.
Meanwhile, Ryder-Bieber Strong finally sees That Girl He Met On Tumblr Because They Both Used #Nooneunderstands, Katiexoxo6969.Surprise surprise she goes to McKinley which somehow never ever came up in conversation despite the fact that they’ve told each other absolutely everything and have been in online love for at least three weeks now! That’s okay though, because true love isn’t about know where somebody lives or grew up or about their family. It’s about knowing how they deeply connect to Jimmy Eat World’s The World You Love. Just to clarify, The World You Love wasn’t in this episode but totally should have been.
I MEAN THE WORLD YOU LOVE IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE, BUT I CAN TOTALLY SEE WHY FUTURES IS YOURS. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON
She’s blonde and perfect, so Ghost Ryder does what any healthy young Frosted Flake eating high school boy would do and goes running to talk to his best friend/worst enemy/equally bland character Puck 2.0.
OH MAN HER INSTAGRAM HAS PICTURES OF HER BED SHEETS ON IT? YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BRO!
Either way, you know the blonde girl probably isn’t Katiexoxo6969 even before Ryder-Beiber Strong shows up at her locker about to piss himself. Why do we know she’s probably not real? Probably because she looks confused for every single second that he’s speaking to her.
LISTEN BRO, YOUR SINGING IS NICE AND STUFF, BUT I REALLY NEED TO GET TO ENGLISH CLASS.
Ryder-face drags blondie to the choir room to sing her his favorite rendition of Your Song. Blondie is so adorable and honestly I fall in love with her a little bit throughout the song because we all know how much I love a girl in a scarf. She also falls hopelessly in love with Ryder during the song, evident by her shrugging shoulders and occasional smiling, which I find surprising based on the fact that so far his character has basically been presented as 93% bigot, 6% Finn, 1% Goober’s premixed PB&J spread. (For statistical accuracy I’d like to point out that being 6% Finn makes Ryder actually just 3% tater-tot, 2% mansplaining and another 1% Goober’s premixed PB&J spread for a grand total of 95% the worst and 5% lunch.)
SIT UP HERE BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO GET PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ALL OVER THE FLOOR IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A THREESOME WITH ME, THE DRUMMER AND THAT UPRIGHT BASS PLAYER?
TWO FACES OR A VASE?
Here’s Elton John’s original:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8&feature=youtu.be
And here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP53S-oqr5w&feature=youtu.be
And here’s the version from Moulin Rouge that I listed to in the back of a tour bus on repeat for two weeks during my Bat Mitzvah vacation with my grandmother:
After he finishes singing his littler floppy-haired heart out, Ghost Ryder announces his undying love for Katiexoxo6969 and– whoops, her name is Marissa. Unlike Marissa Cooper (the One True Marissa) she isn’t involved in a romantic relationship involving a secret identity. Actually someone just stole her picture to “Catfish” Ryder. What is catfishing? I only knew the word from that movie Catfish where a young man gets tricked into thinking he knows a girl from Facebook only to find out it’s someone just deceiving him– oh wait. I figured out what catfishing is.
THIS IS SO AWKWARD BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS GUY FUNN WHO I HEARD WAS SUCH A STUD HE KNOCKED UP A GIRL IN A HOT TUB
Marissa’s is like, “Ryder, I know you just called me by the wrong name but I’m so attracted to your bigoted face that you can call me any time day or night if you want to hook up and be in love forever.” I sort of wish she could have been secretly crushing on Brittany and mortified by Ryder’s advances, but still I’m a little emotionally attached to this Marissa girl now. Ryder, on the other hand, literally could not care less about her feelings and just leaves to figure out who’s katiefishing him. Slick move dick.
YOUR PLOT LINE MAKES NO SENSE. GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF AND LET ME KNOW WHEN IT’S MY TURN TO JOIN THE GLEE CLUB TO CRY ABOUT MY “ISSUE OF THE WEEK”
Mostly I’m just really scared this is going to be a terrible, stereotypical awful “transgender entrapment” type plot line with Unique. It would so stupid if that’s where they’re going with this since:
1. Unique is hot and perfectly capable of finding a boyfriend without tricking someone
2. It would be really out of character for Unique to want to hide who she is since basically her entire plot line has revolved around being proud of who she is
3. It’s even more out of character for Unique to choose pretend to be white
4. Why on earth would Unique even be into a bigot who openly misgendered her like two episodes ago?
The most important take away from this scene is this hawt violinist who probably follows Autostraddle and DapperQ on twitter IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
OH MAN THAT WAS PAINFUL. I WONDER HOW MANY MORE TIMES I’M GOING TO HAVE TO PLAY ACCOMPANIMENT FOR AWKWARD STRAIGHT COUPLES BEFORE I GET SOME MORE HOT SINGING LEZZIE ACTION IN HERE.
The shakey-cam follows Ryder through the halls of McKinley and he confronts Marley-Kate and Puck 2.0. He’s convinced up and down that they’re the ones pretending to be Katiefish.
HOW COULD I BE INVOLVED IN YOUR MISHANDLED CATFISHING SITUATION? I’VE BEEN TOO BUSY DEALING WITH MY MISHANDLED EATING DISORDER PLOT LINE AND SHOPPING FOR NEWSIES HATS.
Ryder is pissed. Real pissed. Like so angry. he storms off mumbling to himself and leaving us all with that queasy feeling that this was going to turn into Ryder bringing a gun to school but, spoiler alert, I was wrong.
IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MEAN BLAINE REALLY IS. YOU KNOW THAT I’M NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR RED PANTS, RIGHT? HE TOLD ME RED PANTS WERE HIS THING AND I WASN’T ALLOWED TO WEAR THEM ANYMORE. AND THEN FOR HANNAKUH MY PARENTS GOT THIS PAIR OF REALLY EXPENSIVE RED PANTS AND I HAD TO PRETEND LIKE I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE THEM AND… IT WAS SO SAD.
Starsweep to the Gleesters in the auditorium where Brittany gets the kids together to sing More Than Words. Is it to each other? Nope, it’s to Lord Tubbington. Either way I find this song insipid.
WITH ALL THESE CANDLES YOU’D THINK WE’D BE DOING RENT!
RETURN OF THE ARM WARMERS!
PUH-LEEZ LET ME HAVE ANOTHER BRITTANA MOMENT!
THIS ONE IS FOR MY SECOND FAVORITE PUSSY
Here’s the Original:
Here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANjQPY8J6QQ&feature=youtu.be
Time warp to when classes end, and in the dark hallways of the school, Will whistles while he walks. Rewatching it now I feel silly, but on the first round through I was just sure this would be a shooting. Instead Will heads into the locker room for… a dinner with Coach Beiste?
DAMN I AM SO GLAD I TOOK DAPPERQ’S ADVICE WHEN FITTING THIS JACKET
LOOK, I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH THE SHIT THE WRITERS ARE THROWING AT ME
Anyways looks like Coach Beist set up a romantic dinner for two. Of all place in the school/town/country why on earth would Coach Beiste plan this for inside the school? I think in any other episode this would have taken place at Breadsticks fabulous Italian restaurant. The only reason this was set in the school was to heighten the drama regarding a shooting. Ugh. Either way, Coach Beiste proclaims her love for Will and his epic collection of sweatvests. Will’s not interested. I find this whole scene repulsive. Not because of heterosexual sex and stuff, but because of Glee‘s treatment of Coach Beiste. I mean, Coach Beiste isn’t some hideous undesirable woman with a horrible personality. Dot Jones is hot! She has a hot girlfriend and everything! Let’s stop pretending that this is realistic. Whatever.
IT’S JUST SO HARD TO PLAY A CHARACTER DESIGNED BY PEOPLE WHO HATE WOMEN
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I am only 5% invested in this show ever, but I ended up watching this episode and — like you — I’m still upset that they took Becky’s potentially interesting plot line and screwed it over. I love Becky and I wish we had a chance to see more of her life/thoughts/feelings/whatever.
And I agree about Brittany’s performance, for sure. I have to say, Brittany’s character/plot lines can be ridiculous sometimes, but Heather Morris always makes her convincing somehow.
Is it weird that after reading this recap I end up being more interested in the violinist more than the Glee Club kids…?
Guess not.
Heather is still wildly uneven as an actress. Yes she did well but she mostly had her head down and shook.
I want to have fun watching glee this seemed manipulative to push the new kids yet again.
I kinda want to watch the 11 minutes of terrified Glee kids because those screencaps of their crying selfies actually made me emotional, but I can’t bear to put up with the rest of the shit episode.
Also: UMM EXCUSE ME ISN’T KEN TANAKA DEAD?? I THOUGHT HE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK AFTER HE LEFT MCKINLEY.
Glee and continuity haven’t spoken to each other in a long time.
So I haven’t watched Glee in about two seasons, but I cracked under the press and watched this one. I feel like this recap hit all my feelings perfectly.
Though am I the only one who noticed Kitty fly across the floor during tge lockdown to cuddle Unique? Are they a thing? (I haven’t been watching, so I don’t know.) I hope it’s a sign they won’t mix Unique with the catfishing storyline. Also hope it doesn’t turn out to be Blaine.
I keep waiting and waiting for a lesbian character that is more masculine or at least androgynous to appear on the show. I’m glad there is at least an attempt at female masculinity represented via Sue and Coach Beast, but no students? Really? No baby dyke characters? Maybe Ryan and the writers have no idea how to tackle that… I mean, even The L Word couldn’t do it that well.
the most important takeaway from the entire episode was the hot violinist. everything else was too emotionally confusing.
Am I the only one who notices some form of sexual tension between Artie and Kitty?…..yes? ok.
Also, the “shooting” part of this episode was the only part that I could actually fathom watching, and even then..not great. I really dislike the new kids.
Hey Lizz,
I always read your PLL recaps and they crack me up. I hope that you are going to continue reviewing them. I just wanted to give you an update and tell you that your favorite lesbian couple on the show maybe breaking up. Yup, Caleb is going to be on Ravenswood. https://www.facebook.com/Ravenswood. It’s in one of the posts on the page.