Welcome to the third season finale of Pretty Little Liars! Did we ever think we’d come so far? I didn’t, and with good reason! Look at this sample of classic abcFamily TV shows canceled before a third season!
10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU WAS REALLY THE ONLY LOSS HERE.
But not these Liars! They’re going the distance with a complete third season and more to come. What’s the secret? Well if I had to guess I’d say “lesbians.” Either way, abcFamily celebrated this victory by creating a scene by scene replication of the pilot episode! We’ll explore that later, but first let’s jump right into the thick of it!
We open on Hanna, Emily and Aria sitting in the Hastings’ kitchen waiting for SpAncer to grace them with her royal, uptight, crazy-face presence. Hanna, having just purchased a necklace of paint swatches, muses that maybe, just maybe, the body found last episode isn’t TobAy. We, of course, already know it isn’t TobAy’s body because we saw the tattoo rub off last episode. Plus, the only people who die on Pretty Little Liars are those about to revele deep secretes to the Liars.
DEARLY BELOVED WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO SAY OUR GOODBYES. HERE SHE LIES, NO ONE KNEW HER WORTH, THE LATE GREAT DAUGHTER OF MOTHER EARTH. ON THIS NIGHT, AS WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH. IN THAT LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM, WE RAISE OUR GLASS, YOU BET YOUR ASS TO LA VIE BOHEME.
Emily is taking TobAy’s loss particularly hard, as he was modeling for a full sized diorama installation depicting the earliest human settlers that she was creating for the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University. This was going to be Emily’s big ticket into college! Oh well, back to swimming and scissoring her way through life.
…THIS SHOW WENT OFF THE DEEP END AND COMPLETELY STOPPED MAKING SENSE
SpAncer takes that moment to walk down the stairs all cryptic-like, doing her best impersonation of the big reveal from She’s All That. Plus we get our first dose of the pilot episode coming back to haunt us!
HOPE IS ACTUALLY JUST A NEW CHARACTER BEING INTRODUCED AS A LOVE INTEREST FOR EMILY IN THE NEXT SEASON
The she answers some really important questions that have been plaguing us all season!
OR A BISCUIT FOR THAT MATTER?
AND A BISCUIT, WELL THAT’S SOMETHING YOU EAT IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAY
SpAncer gives a longwinded monologue about not wanting to be a victim and Radley and not being strong and seeing TobAy and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah sad sad sad TobAy TobAy TobAy.
I’M ACTUALLY JUST THE LIVING PERSONIFICATION OF LIZZ’S FANTASY GIRL.
The end-game is that SpAncer’s parents invited everyone to a good old fashion Look We Swear Our Kid Isn’t Crazy Party! I know something’s up with this party though, because the soundtrack is playing the scary music, and I’m always up for letting the TV soundtrack tell me how to feel.
NO SCISSORING THOUGH. SCISSORING STARTS AT 10PM
Starsweep to the A-Mobile where A reminds us once again the only thing you need for hacking is a black hoodie and some study leather gloves.
THE PURPOSE OF THIS BABYDOLL WITH A SHAVEN HEAD, HOWEVER, IS LOST ON ME
A grabs a phone number off of a laptop, 251-469-3561 and sends it to her iPhone just as MonA walks in.
JUST BECAUSE YOU CHANGE YOUR COMPUTER’S DISPLAY DOES NOT MAKE IT 2004
MonA has graduated from black hoodie to chic black tee shirt and is using her classic “Scary A Voice.” Is it wrong that I miss Season One Trying Too Hard Mona? I loved her. MonA sits looks at SpAncer’s party invite and tells the other A that she’s likes her plan.
I’M GLAD MONA HAS FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO TELL US HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT FRIDAYS
A FOURTH SEASON
The next day at school, the Liars discover that Ezra has posted up a wanted ad for a babysitter. He and Aria are technically still together and while dating a student was kind of hot, dating the babysitter is just too cliché.
COULD HAVE JUST CALLED THE BABYSITTERS CLUB
The Liars canvass about who the hell picked Malcolm up from school, even though we know it was SpAncer. It was approximately exactly like when your friend in the closet has a conversation with a straight girl about boys and you just stand there wide eyed and uncomfortable. Hanna really wants to hit Malcolm up for details, and needs an extra $10/hr, so Hanna grabs the sheet. She’ll just have Malcolm draw her a picture of who picked him up.
BECAUSE IF SO I’LL NEED THAT PICTURE OF HER FOR MY PRIVATE COLLECTION
Just then, out of the blue, Shana shows up at Rosewood to practice with her swim team or maybe to suck Emily’s face. Who knows! Looks like Shana is swimming versus Emily in a swim meet later in the week.
OH ARE WE STILL ON FOR SKINNY DIPPING LATER?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING THIS UP IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS
I didn’t even know Shana was in high school! Rosewood truly does have an abundance of hot high school lesbians. And they all like it slippery and wet!
WHAT? THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR CUTE BUTT TATTOO?
Emily: Hey! What are you doing here?
Shana: Our coach arranged for us to practice here this morning. But I say if it’s water it’s wet right?
Shana and Spencer have a bizarre and potentially flirtatious interaction that is never explained and probably never will be except for in the elaborate slash fic I’m writing entitled Hastily Seeking Hastings.
WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO GET THOSE TATTOOS TOGETHER!
As for Hanna, well she isn’t too keen on Shana due to her massive Straight Girl Problems. Why does she hate Shana?
THIS IS THE REALEST THING TO EVER GRACE THE TELEVISION SCREEN
Even Emily is unimpressed to see Shana, which is sort of weird since she just introduced Emily to Missy Franklin like two episodes ago. Plus they were texting flirty style last episode. I think maybe this is one of those things where Shana is the dyke that you and your friends all know starts drama and you all pretend to be uninterested except secretly you all seriously want on.
“TROUBLE” IS THE NAME OF SHANA’S SUB
Aria runs into Ezra in the halls where he’s just finished having a job interview or something. The two do an awkward hallway walk which is highly reminiscent of Season One. In a bad way. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about this happening anymore, because Fitz tells Aria that he probably won’t get the job anyways.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO YOU BOTH PRETEND WHATEVER YOU’RE READING JUST GOT SUPER INTERESTING
Elsewhere, at She and TobAy’s house, Jenna talks on the phone while a mysterious A figure stalks outside. We haven’t seen Jenna in a while have we. I kind of forgot she existed.
CAN I SCHEDULE A CUT AND COLOR FOR TOMORROW? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERY GIRL IS ROSEWOOD HAS TO HAVE THE SAME WEIRD CENTER PART.
Jenna You said you were going to make it all go away. I’m worried! Now the police have evidence! Look, I need to see you today.
Outside Jenna’s, A texts the number they downloaded. Just as A sends the text, Jenna receives one and says she’s gotta go. I think the biggest plot hole in Pretty Little Liars is A’s ability to text with leather gloves on. That’s just not science. I understand there is plenty to complain about with my very favorite show, and I let a lot slide. But this?! This is impossible.
IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE THEY’RE THE SPECIAL KIND OF GLOVES WITH THE MESH FINGERTIPS THAT WORK FOR TEXTING!!
Starsweep across the neighborhood, where Aria, sportting some hot new after-sex hair, is doing her homework. Papa Crazy shows up to do his daily freak-out enraged that Ezra is going to take a job at the high school.
ARE MY NAILS SHORT ENOUGH FOR MY LIFESTYLE?
Aria’s all, “No no no [eye-roll] he didn’t get the job. Duhhhh.” Except, according to Byron, actually he did and he’s taking the day to think about it.
ARIA, CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOU NEEDED TO TAKE APART MY NEW BLENDER TO MAKE MORE ACCESSORIES?
Speaking of Ezra, he and Hanna meet to discuss the exciting world of babysitting. Hanna’s only experience with babysitting was the time she and Caleb rented Babysitter Sluts 7, which, for the record, Caleb made them turn off because it was heterosexist and oppressive to women. Still, Hanna is completely unable to not sound like a porn star during this entire encounter.
THIS LINE IS FROM THE FIRST SCENE IN BABYSITTER SLUTS 7 WHEN THE BABYSITTER FIRST REALIZES HOW ATTRACTED SHE IS TO THE MOTHER
THIS LINE IS FROM A SCENE IN BABYSITTER SLUTS 7 DURING AN ELABORATE ELECTRIC TRAIN SET SEX TOY SEQUENCE
THIS LINE IS TECHNICALLY FROM “BABYSITTER SLUTS 4”
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The most authentic moment of the episode was definitely. “I hate her. She flirts with everyone, but me.” I hear straight girls say that. I hear queer girls say that. It’s true. It’s true. I’ve said it before.
As for the show… I hat that Mona feels part of the group now. She cray. Also delusional.
this recap made me LOL at least 50 times, the captions were extra-amazing
also i thought toby was being honest
thank you for the throwback screencaps i never made those connections myself
also seriously ezra and aria broke up at least five times and we haven’t seen paige in weeks!
also i feel like them turning up the music was for real the first indication any of them have given that they have actually learned something from all this
I fully expect giant dildo trapezes to be featured in my nightmares moving forward.
shana is ridiculously hot, I don’t even care that she’s plotting and scheming.
the “she stole you from me” bit from mona makes me think she has a huge lesbian crush on all of them and is totally not getting invited to the pool party, because there are going to be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean RIGHT? she’s a total stalker.
I haven’t even read the proper recap yet BUT HOW DARE YOU!
CANCELLING THE MIDDLEMAN WAS CLEARLY ABCFAM’S WORST MISTAKE!
ok, I can go read now. had to get that out.
I read the recap with my toast burned about State of Grace. (because I loved it ok. no shame.)
This recap was all kinds of funny. I especially enjoyed the “babysitter sluts” captions. ALSO the leather glove thing baffled/annoyed me too!
I am still confused as to why Ali/Red Coat pulled them out of the fire if she was REALLY A. There has to be more to the story, I think Ali/RC just wanted to control them, but theres the NAT (and that Not A Team was a brilliant thought) club who are actively trying to kill the liars. Who knows though. Basically everyone is evil and there must be a huge black hoodie shortage in Rosewood.
Dear god I miss The Middleman.
Is Red Coat pulling someone out from their grave in the last scene? The reflection of the light is clearly red. Who are they rescuing that people think is dead but then isn’t?
Also if Alison is alive does that mean the evil twin theory is true? because they did find Alison’s body at some point so if it wasn’t Alison (or someone who looked exactly like her) her family or someone would have noticed unless they are also team A. At this point I don’t know what was actually on the show and what not anymore.
having now read, I can now say, finally someone notices the gloves! A lot of things are completely unrealistic but using leather gloves with touch screens is where I draw the line!
http://www.amazon.com/Apollo-Touchscreen-Leather-Grandoe-11-5-12/dp/B0099ZE1AC
This is not a new thing, and it’s totally 100% doable.
State of Grace was aaawwwesome, Maeby and Ann Veal 4ever
These captions were hilarious, excellent job. Also, big props for you to make all the connections to previous episodes.
“MonA runs over to the Liars like she’s just spotted a 30% off sale at J.Crew and announces that she too saw Ali!”
I think she was running to the fire…..sale.
When I read SpAncer all I can think of is spanking and I’m not even sorry
hahahaha awesome recap!
I appreciate the fact that Aria took time to wear Paige’s hat during a situation like that…
That shot of Jenana holding hands? That is how lesbians have sex when their nails are that long. Yikes.
Haha, I wondered the same thing!
so so so many lols!
“I CAN’T DIE IN THIS FIRE!! I NEVER EVEN BOUGHT MY FIRST STRAP-ON! I HAVEN’T LIVED!”
i think i’m going to go buy a strap on now just incase i die in a house fire.