Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the most lesbian show on television to regularly not feature any actual lesbian content whatsoever. This week we ask the question “Who’s At the Door?” so many times we start to wonder exactly what show we are watching.

We open at 6:15am at the Life Cafe where the Liars are all super miserable before school. Spoiler alert: everyone spends this whole episode sad forever.

I COLLECTED ALL MY TEARS IN THIS MUG. IT’S MY MUG OF TEARS.

To start this off right, Aria has tons of feelings because Ezra has left to see his son. Aria literally can’t get past herself to imagine what this might be like for Ezra. As previously mentioned, I think this is a good thing because, um, sons trump girlfriends. Particularly when you’ve never met him before. And you’re in your twenties. And your girlfriend is a high school student. And she’s being stalked by a psychopath. And she wears car parts as jewelry.

DO YOU KIND OF CROSS YOUR ARMS AND DOUBLE CUP THE BREASTS LIKE THIS?

Getting up for a hot sexy coffee refill, Spencer gets a text from her private investigator Secret Agent Man who has all sorts of TobAy key details. According to a commenter on the last recap, this is the same super secret detective sleuthman who Ali hired to figure out who was stalking her in the The Days of The Flashbacks. I guess Rosewood only has one private investigator. I’d bet a cat he was also the person Spencer’s parents hired to dig up dirt on Melissa. I’d bet a second cat that Mona has this guy on speed dial under the name PI In My Pocket Who Reports to Me.

WHEN DID WE START BETTING WITH CATS?

Jason is on payroll today and strolls into The Life Cafe with Big Ali News. Since Ali’s body was dug up on the Halloween Ghost Ride of Lesbosexy Feelings, they’re reburying her. Again. Looks like there’s a ceremony. Again.

I KNOW THIS IS AWKWARD, BUT SHORT OF NECROPHILIA THE THE WRITERS ARE LITERALLY COMPLETELY OUT OF REASONS TO GET YOU GUYS TO GO TO THE GRAVEYARD. SO, LIKE, JUST COME. OKAY?

Jason has arranged for the Liars to attend Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony. Unfortunately, Spencer is all set with Ali’s death. I tend to agree it’s probably not healthy to keep opening old wounds. Then again it’s probably not safe to be constantly stalked by a theoretical murderous texter who is maybe also your dead best friend.

THAT NIGHTMARE WHERE YOU SHOW UP TO WORK NAKED

Everyone sort of wants to be like, “Spencer, stop being the worst,” but instead they just let her storm out and move on with their lives. Besides, it’s 7:05am which means it’s time for the half hour walk and talk to school. Aria and Hanna rush over to school for their early morning 1976 disco fashion walk off.

HAVEN’T YOU BEEN WATCHING THE MINDY PROJECT? BOYS LOVE FLASHY OUTFITS

The two worry about how they still have some of Ali’s things. You know, things that were originally buried along with Ali but instead A has is planted piece by piece to attempt to frame the Liars. Also Aria is going to go lie around at Ezra’s apartment after school. Yeah that sounds like an A++ crazytown idea.

WELL IF YOU’RE GOING TO SNEAK OVER ANYWAYS YOU MIGHT AS WELL SEARCH THROUGH HIS BOTTOM DRAWER TO SEE IF HE’S BOUGHT ANY NEW PORN

Starsweep to the locker set where MonA confronts Spencer. MonA is concerned Spencer’s off her A game. Get it?

IT’S THE TOP SECRET AUTOSTRADDLE 2014 CALENDAR. I THINK YOU’LL BE PLEASED TO SEE WHO IS MISS FEBRUARY.

MonA is having the most fun ever fucking with Spencer. Particularly because MonA knows exactly what’s what with the big TobAy reveal. Is it weird if I like our new A in action MonA the best?

THAT SHOW IS CALLED “THE LYING GAME” AND IT’S ON AT 9PM EST. MY SHOW IS ON AT 8pm AND 10pm EST. FIGURE IT OUT.

Spencer, on the other hand, is letting Mona completely get to her. Now, this would be a great time to go talk to the school counselor or the principal and claim that Mona threatened her. I mean, who are they going to believe? Might as well play dirty too. But instead Spencer just stews in it.

SOMEONE TOTALLY TOTALLY FARTED INSIDE THIS LOCKER.

Hanna finds Caleb alone in a classroom with all of his feelings. Caleb has some complicated backstory about his aunt who put him in foster care. Honestly I can’t remember if this is new or if I was supposed to know it already. Either way, Caleb’s been invited to come search through all the old things at the house and decide if he wants anything.

I KNOW, THAT SARAH MCLACHLAN ANIMAL CRUELTY COMERCIAL GETS TO YOU EVER TIME.

After school, Aria hangs around Ezra’s in the creepiest was possible. Like in his bed listening to music. I’m not going to say this is totally creepy, because technically they’re still together and he made her a key. I’d say it’s worse than sneaking over to your girlfriend’s house to do your laundry, but not as bad as showing up drunk to your ex’s in the middle of the night dressed like a pirate. Yeah, somewhere in the middle.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO CHARGE MY FORM 6

She’s about four minutes from rolling around in a heap of Ezra’s clothing when there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door? It’s Ezra’s werewolf brother Wesleywolf!

IT’S LIKE THEY KNOW WE DO THIS

His American accent is 25% better but his excuse for being at Ezra’s is 100% worse. Something about fumigating the dorms at St. John’s Academy for Vampires and Werewolves. Aria becomes uncomfortable and tries to leave, what with the small shrine of Ezra’s chewed gum she’s started, but Welsleywolve suggests Aria stick around instead. They can be BFFLs.

PROVING ONCE AGAIN THAT IT REALLY REALLY REALLY IS OKAY TO HAVE ASYMMETRICAL NIPPLES

Spencer meets up with Secret Agent Man in one of Rosewood’s many sketchy back alleys. They talk and he reveals dramatically that he’s been tracking TobAy’s credit card. Looks like TobAy bought hydrangeas before skipping town. Or something. I promise I really trying my hardest to care. The Secret Agent Man wants a million dollars to track the key to a specific door. Spencer’s unsure. A million dollars is a lot, but she, like everyone in Rosewood, and the world, wants to know who the fuck is at the door.

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE STILL MAKING THAT OLD WHO’S AT THE DOOR JOKE

Emily stops by the police office slash Pam’s new work place to snag a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of Officer Wildenmansir at everyone in Rosewood’s favorite vacay spot, Cape May. The photo is gone, but Emily ends up with early dinner plans with her mom which, in my homesick opinion, is even better.

RE: FIRST BLOW JOB

Before the two can leave, Emily finds a French postcard from A in her mom’s purse. But what does it say?! What indeed?! If only I wasn’t one of those Americans who speaks only 1.002 languages. FYI, the .002 of a language is Chinese so that’s not much help here.

UNFORTUNATELY MISSED SOME FUNDAMENTALS OF READING FRENCH, INCLUDING READING THE SIDE WITH TEXT.

The next day, after an all important costume change into the most lesbian outfit of the episode, Emily decides to bring in some French reinforcements.

VOULEZ VOUS CE AVEC MOI?

Emily probably could have just used Google Translate, but I’m guessing she wanted to air out her shoulders side by side with Spencer. She swings by Spencer’s bedroom of misery and despair to find Spencer eating all of the ice cream in the house and watching The Notebook.

SPENCER I KNOW YOU LIKE TO BE PERFECT, BUT THE PHRASE “BOXING UP YOUR FEELINGS” IS A METAPHOR

Emily reveals that the postcard is one of 25 postcards she put as mementos in Ali’s casket. I mean, not the French, just the postcard. Wait, as a token of her everlasting love and friendship, Emily put 25 blank postcards in her friend’s casket? I have no clue.

I JUST THOUGHT THE UNCUT PAPER COULD BE A METAPHOR FOR OUR UNSCISSORING LEGS

Emily attempts to read the postcard but fails miserably in basically the cutest way ever. Spencer tells Emily to stop freaking out until she reads it. She then proceeds to put on the sexiest French accent ever and we all melt and leave the room to change our underwear.

TRANSLATION:
DON’T WORRY! IF YOU THINK YOU HAD SEX YOU PROBABLY DID.

The postcard essentially calls Emily a murder. We’re supposed to immediately understand that this is in reference to Emily’s kerfuffle with Lyndonate. I sort of air-balled that one and spent the next five minutes trying to figure out who the hell Emily was supposed to have killed. My bad. Emily knows exactly what this is all about, understandably, shocked and scared. Spencer, who’s currently claiming a monopoly on being sad, tells Emily she shouldn’t feel bad, and that she only killed Lyndonate in self defense. Spencer pushes all of Emily’s feelings on the back burner and proceeds to eat an entire carton of Cherry Garcia. Instead of telling Spencer to stop being an insensitive prick and get the fuck over TobAY, Emily just tells her that maybe something else happend. Maybe Spencer has the whole TobAy situation wrong because men are amazing flawless creatures brought to earth to make women happy.

ALLL BYYY MYYYSEELLLFFFF. DON’T WANNA BE ALLLLL BYYYY MYYYSELLFFFF.

Emily explains to Spencer that last week Hanna thought Paige was hooking up with another girl. Even though it looked really suspicious and Emily briefly thought Paige was cheating on her, the two talked about it and realized it was all a big misunderstanding. Paige was just flirting with the costume shop’s clerk. Much like how there’s only one private investigator, one police detective and one psychiatrist, there’s also only one costume shop owner. And she’s got a big lesbian crush on Paige. At least the lack of costume shop choices explains why everyone keeps wearing that creepy baby ghoul costume.

RE: PAIGE’S NEW BONDAGE SUIT

Also I’m so annoyed this whole situation was resolved off-screen without us getting to hear any lesbosexy feelings talk.

YOU AND TOBY DIDN’T HAVE MANDATORY TWO WEEK TRUST CHECK-INS? NO WONDER YOU BROKE UP.

Aria and Hanna hang around in Hanna’s bedroom talking about boys and stuff. I kind of tuned this part out because I had just refreshed my mango salsa, but basically Aria thinks Wesleywolf is a hot snob who loves money. Aria is worried Wesleywolf is too comfortable with/attached to his trust fund. I would be attached to my trust fund too if I had one. Also Hanna convinced Caleb to go to his aunt’s house and dig through old toys and feelings.

WAIT LET ME DEMONSTRATE

LIKE THIS

Elsewhere, Emily has magically transported through time and space to the only psychiatrist’s office in town. I guess Dr. Shrink is taking same day appointments. Despite the fact that Emily has no reason to believe that anything she says will be confidential, she figures it’s time for some help.

WE TRIED COMING UP WITH A SAFE WORD BUT WE JUST NEVER USED IT

THIS PICTURE IS THE CUTEST ANYONE HAS EVER LOOKED WHILE SAYING THAT

You know, because at the midseason finale she killed someone. Yeah yeah yeah, it was totally in self-defense. Completely justified and that’s important to keep in mind. But jeez, if the writers were going to pretend that Emily could have a totally traumatic incident and not have any residual symptoms they must have thought their audience was girls ages 12-17. Oh. Right. Dr. Shrink responds with a couple of truly inspired facial expressions such as this:

WATCHING PAINT DRY

and this:

WATCHING GRASS GROW

and this:

WATCHING FINN SPEAK

Riveting shit.

Dr. Shrink suggests hypnotherapy. Not to bring back old memories (which, duh, is going to happen) but to reframe the ones she already has. Or something. I’m not really sure this is a thing. I think doing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy twice a week is a better idea. Maybe some Lexapro later on if she still feels anxious. But what do I know?

OKAY BUT AS LONG AS YOU DON’T MAKE ME RELIVE THE TIME MY MOM WALKED IN ON ME AND PAIGE LUBING UP HER BIKE CHAIN IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Back at the bedroom of misery and despair, Spencer is more convinced than ever that her screen time is best spent crying along to soft music. This time I couldn’t Shazam the song fast enough, but imagine it was like Sarah McLachlan meets Adele. She resolves to pay the Secret Agent Man the one million dollars and have him dig up more info on where TobAy’s key leads.

WHY CAN’T CARMEN AND SHAINE JUST BE TOGETHER?

Starsweep to the next day where our second favorite lesbian couple throw on their fanciest farmer chic to go through Caleb’s old things.

OH YEAH, I THINK THIS WILL MAKE GREAT LINING FOR THE CUFFS ON OUR UNDER-BED RESTRAINTS.

Caleb’s uncle lets them in and he and Hanna bond over old children’s books. Hanna, clearly projecting her own abandonment issues onto the situation, asks Caleb’s uncle a series of inappropriate and invasive questions. Caleb’s uncle is pretty aloof about the whole situation, but he seems to genuinely care about Caleb. It’s pretty awkward. I mean, Hanna, who do you think you are? A first year medical student?

THERE WAS THIS GREAT ONE CALLED “THE WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY BODY BOOK FOR GIRLS”

Starsweep to bustling downtown Rosewood where Jason runs into Spencer. She’s taking one million dollars out of the bank account cash money. Jason really wants Spencer to come by Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony. Spencer still isn’t convinced. I feel like this is a good time for us to remember that Spencer and Jason are half siblings. You’d think Spencer would care more. Oh wait, I just remember that Spencer lives in Taylor Swift Land where the only thing that matters is crying about boys.

JUST REALIZED SHE’S NOT WEARING ANY PANTS

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