OPEN THREAD: Jessica Lowndes Wishes She Was Gay in New Music Video

This week in Straight White Girls Dangling Lesbian Tropes in America’s Face, Jessica Lowndes has a new, platinum-ready hit single, “I Wish I Was Gay.” You might know Jessica from her role as Adrianna on the new 90210, where she once had a bisexual storyline, which is probably what gave her the idea for this stupid song.

Here’s the video!

On the surface I guess this is just another crappy pop song that I wouldn’t have liked anyway because I don’t like crappy pop songs, but when you scratch a little deeper, it’s actually an uninspired regurgitation of a handful of negative lesbian stereotypes set to the tune of a crappy pop song. This girl — the character in the song — doesn’t really wish she was gay; she wishes she wasn’t dating a total douchebag. This perpetuates a couple of neat ideas: 1) that men are default douchebags and 2) that women are gay because men are douchebags and possibly 3) that being gay is easier than being straight via not having to ‘deal’ with douchebag men.

I know you know this, darling readers, but I feel compelled to say that not all men are douchebags! And having to raise two of them in a world where their perceived default personality is Dumb Jerk is a real pain in the ass. How are you supposed to ensure that a boy doesn’t grow up to be a Dumb Jerk when that’s all the world really expects out of him? But anyway! Everyone knows that girls are gay because we like to braid each other’s hair and lick clits.

typical

lesbians duh

So what do you think of this song? Is the best part of the video when she shaves his thighs with what might be Cool Whip? Does Jessica Lowndes make Katy Perry sound like Mary Oliver by comparison? Have you ever drawn on your girlfriend’s face with lipstick? Was she into it? I think I’d be into it.

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Laneia

Laneia has written 311 articles for us.

68 Comments

  2. You know you’ve made a shitty pop song with ridiculous lyrics when all the hot outfits and bullshit “girl on girl” pandering still don’t make me hate your song or your video any less.

    Girls can be douchebags too, it’s universal. Also, why the fuck is shaving his thighs payback? I’m so confused by this whole thing and who let this girl make this music video. Am I being punked?

  3. The silly twit wishes she *were* gay. She needs to use a subjunctive because her desire is counterfactual. I might be less annoyed by the seventy different kinds of nonsense going on in this song if she knew how to use her words, but probably not. Anyway, to escape those boys boys boys she should probably just shut up and go braid hair and lick clits like the rest of us.

    • It’s kind of legit to say ‘I wish I was’ these days, though. The subjunctive is basically defunct in English, and while it’s more correct to say ‘were’ in this instance, it’s not incorrect any more to say ‘was’.

    • THANK YOU! I hate pop songs that don’t use the subjunctive mood. Seriously. Every time I hear it while singing along loudly in my car, I automatically switch the “was” to “were.”

  5. “Well girls just don’t behave that way.”

    Uuuhhh not true. Girls break each other’s hearts all the time. Also, this song isn’t even catchy it’s just boring.

    ALSO, why doesn’t she just break up with him if he’s so terrible? Instead of smear whipped cream and lipstick all over him. That’s weird.

    • I would also like to point out that she was shaving his legs wrong and didn’t actually remove any hair. FAIL.

    • I could be wrong here, but I think straight girls usually hate their boyfriends and DON’T break up with them. just saying. its what them crazy bitches do. so, this video is, all in all, a surprising realistic portrayal of heterosexuality.

  6. The song is bad. The video is terrible. And I can’t believe that they got away with that closing shot where she hits the guy in the head with a stick.

  7. Because being a lesbian, you totally avoid people who treat you poorly.

    This also has the same bassline as “I Kissed A Girl” by Katy Perry. No, really, it does. It’s almost the same song IN SO MANY WAYS.

    I do think I’ll watch this on mute, though…

  8. 1. SHAVING LEGS. T_T WHY?

    2. WERE. NOT WAS. T_T

    3. I’m actually pretty offended. “I only want to be gay because boys are douches?”…yeah no. WHUT? WHY start your “musical career” with a song called that? Why not a song about you being a baller? cue “ball so hard…”

    4. So I went to the youtube page and the comments killed me! Everyone’s writing “omg this is so true!” or “I wish I were gay too!” (actually I think they continued with the I wish I WAS gay) blah blah blah. no it’s not true. you’re stupid. this song is stupid. I feel like she paid people to comment or perhaps commented herself.

    5. i’m angry so i’m going to listen to some ani and follow it up with some robyn. and cuddle.

    • @1. She was either trying to punish him by making him more girly, or make him a “girl” so she could be a lesbian. As a lesbian identified transwoman, I’m offended by that. It’s not like she would date an actual transwoman. Hell, I’m not sure she knows any transwomen.

    • I suspect part of the Youtube comment thing is that the comments are being screened. I tried to leave one this morning. I guess it wasn’t approved.

    • I used to think it was particularly awesome. Now I think that initial reaction was merely because I’d just discovered that something as awesome as lesbians existed and am confused by the idea of bringing politics into it.

      • I heard the term “political lesbian” and it really struck a chord with me. It was defined to me as a self-identified straight woman dating women because a couple of men did her soooooooo dirty or someone who just want to make lesbian, really political. There was a straight girl I remember saying, “I’m like a political lesbian!!” because her women’s rights issues where conflated with her sexual identity/politics issues and I was not ready for it (she took women’s studies). Seeing this video just reminded me of it and saying that hopefully other ladies of AS could shed some light on what that term means to them.

        I don’t know I had cheap wine it was wonderful but if I hear another straight girl say, “OMFG I wish I was gay because my ex-bf/men did me dirty (treat me like shit)”, it would be waaaay to fucking soon!

        Cheers to that privileged/scorned shit! *hiccup*

  12. Oh thank you thank you for posting on this, I’ve been waiting since I stumbled across the video yesterday. I just feel better about the whole thing now that it’s being discussed by like-minded folks on autostraddle.

    But, yeah, grrrrrr. Very problematic/infuriating for the 3 key reasons the author mentioned, PLUS the whole weird fantastical idea that women are immune from (incapable of?) hurting each other. Yeah, I think that part bothers me A LOT – the whole “well girls just don’t behave that way”, the total othering that statement entails. Maybe it reminds me a bit of this mentality I feel a lot of my straight friends have after I come out to them: when we talk about relationships, I’ve noticed some begin to start saying things like “I know you probably don’t have to deal with this kind of thing, but (my boyfriend looks at other girls, doesn’t call enough, doesn’t communicate well, etc etc).” Actually, yeah, queer ladies have relationship issues too, this one included. And, whatdoyaknow, girls can REALLY hurt each other! (And by the tone this comment has taken, you can probably tell I’ve recently been very hurt by one -_-)

    How annoying that such a shitty excuse for a song bothers me so much! Thanks for letting me know, once again, that I am not alone :)

  13. I was not offended by Syd Tha Kyd’s terrible representation of gay women of colour, but can I have some gay cred points back for not even watching this video even though it has hot ladies in it because I’m already offended enough to write an angry letter / tweet? (the times they are a changing, but I am still British)

    • Strike that. Watched it. Glad I did.
      I mean it’s horrendous, but she tied him up, shaved his legs, drew on his face then hit him in the head with a stick!!

      The very definition of almost being so bad it’s good. Although I think I hate women now….

  15. “Everyone knows that girls are gay because we like to braid each other’s hair and lick clits.” HAHA! No truer words have ever been spoken.

  16. it really bothers me that she punishes him by shaving his legs and smearing lipstick on his face. like can’t she just beat him up instead of emasculating him? she’s saying that girls are better and that she would rather date them while at the same time saying with her actions that there’s something wrong with being feminine. it doesn’t make any sense ):

    • I think some dudes just think that not to fuck/date them is an aggressive act that constitutes ‘hating’.

  19. OOF she should be embarrassed. All this song/video does is reinforce harmful stereotypes. She’s playing both the role of the objectified woman by lap dancing all over that fucking guy and the vengeful woman that men should look out for…the two accepted and completely incorrect views society has of woman. Its also feeding into the idea that men are the ones who do the cheating, & that lesbians aren’t “real” they’re just doing it for convenience. I didn’t think someone could be so successful at writing such a terrible song and making an even worse video. Congratulations.

  20. I can’t believe there is so much heterosexuality in a video entitled “I Wish I Was Gay.” I feel cheated, tbh.

    • I thought the hair braiding thing was a joke! We’re meant to know how to do that?? Oh dear, more lesbian points down the drain…

  22. I just keep thinking that this is what Rebecca Black is going to turn into here in another 7 years or so…

  23. honestly my favorite part is how the picture of him and that other girl he’s cheating on her with makes them both look super-boring, like really

    • A) if you’re going to catch your SO on camera, make sure it’s a dramatic scene.
      B) if there aren’t any dramatic scenes, reconsider the person you’re dating. Booooooooooring.

  25. LOL I love the thought that straight girls want the be gay so they don’t have to deal with douchebag guys yet I always tell my friends “I wish I was straight so I didn’t have to deal with complex girls.” Guess it works both ways…. ha ha

  29. Uhm…this video and this song are wrong and disappointing in many ways.
    And what about the final scene when she hits the guy in the head with a stick?!
    Anyway, the final thought I had about this video is, I wish Jessica was gay, ’cause I admit i have a crush on 90210’s Adrianna.
    … ^_^’

  30. This reminds me a big argument I had with a professor in high school (consider she had divorced from her husband) and she was like:”oh men are just bastards, and you know it’s nature who makes them act that way, because they are predators.” Me and one of my classmates (male) tried our best to explain her that she was being unreasonable, but she wouldn’t listen. It took all my sense of control not to say to her that her husband probably was just tired of her being a pain in the ass. I mean really every person even with little common sense knows that there are awesome and awful people, in both sexes. I am a female and I honestly act in a bad way sometimes. So sorry but I don’t have a functional powervagina which prevents me from being a jerk.

  31. I didn’t bother to plug my headphones into my computer so I watched it on mute because she looks a bit like Effy from Skins. I’m upset she ruined a perfectly good dessert by smearing it on someone’s legs.

  33. Catchy tune, but she’s clearly never been in a girl on girl r-ship if she thinks “girls just don’t behave that way” – LOL really!

  34. Like every other queer/dyke/bi/lez on here, there is NO truth to her claim:

    “Girls don’t behave that way”

    Male or Female- partners can cheat. women can treat other women like shit. men can treat other men like shit. cheating and being a douche bag isn’t exclusive to heteros.

  38. This whole thing made me want to take spoons and remove my eyes with them. The faux sexy weird bit where she and the other women frolicked ‘sexily’ about whilst kissing each other not on the mouth (because that is so last year) makes me worry about the the world today even more than I already was. After watching this video I am going to return to my cave (read bed) and not watch or look at anything even remotely pop culture related again.
    -Rant over. I want cookies.

  39. So I’m 40 seconds in and I’m already frowning because the word “deserve” in her note doesn’t need that capital D. UNNECESSARY CAPITALS FOR UNNECESSARY CAPITALS.

  43. Thanks so much for making my Saturday.

    Yeah, next time some righteous redneck gets up in your face tell him that it was your boyfriend when you were 6 years old that caused it.

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