This L Word recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog in early 2009, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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La la la la la. L word L Word L Word. Shane Shane Shane Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny. Kill kill kill kill. Bette Bette Bette Tina Tina Tina. Let’s make it like The Gauntlet this year. We’ll be on teams, and an exec board will determine point distribution at each episode’s end. Like Team Shenny, Team “TiBette” (not to be confused with the country, which’s quite different), Team Sholly … Sharmen obvs, but those kids haven’t had a good season in a while. RIP Danish. Team Dylena, Talice … you know. JoBette. Um, who did Max date? Tax? KitTOE? Mace? Paine? HellKat? Jiki? Those are the lyrics to EZ Girls’s next single. You read it here first. Today I’m going to talk to you about feelings.

I got really upset when I learned all the remaining episode titles and none of them were “LL Cool J,” starring LL Cool J, which is what I thought this show was eventually going to be about. I sat through Bette’s meditation retreat, Jenny’s poetry and Henry’s toenails waiting for Ladies Love Cool James. Sigh.

We’re going to be transitioning to a new site within the next week or two [previous deadline: today], so stay tuned for that, it’ll automatically redirect at one point but just like be excitant.

Anyhow let’s go!

As this picture demonstrates, our enthusiasm for Episode 601 is high. Guests for today’s premiere include last year’s guests Carly and Alex and Caitlin (not pictured) as well as L Word Online co-leader Oz (all the way from Australia!), Alexi’s Closet superstar Alexi Melvin as well as supreme Canadian artist Sam and supreme photographer Robin. I like to surround myself with beautiful talented people. “Supreme,” you could say.

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Carly: You know what would be fucking awesome?
Riese: Kool-Aid?
Carly: If they got some random hot celebrity lesbian icon to be in the last season of The L Word, like — like — as a guest role —
Riese: Oh my G-d, I’m totally feeling you–
Carly: And they could be like a cop or something — and be like in the very first scene —
Riese: Yeah like if Xena the Warrior Princess stepped out of that car —
[Lucy Lawless steps out of the car]
Carly & Riese: OMG OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAD NO IDEA LUCY LAWLESS!!!

I Was Told I’d Find my Fan Base Here?
This is that show no one actually likes but everyone has to watch out of homosexual obligation, right? Anyone? Ah There They Are!

Xena the Warrior Princess has gone to Police Academy and now she’s at Casa Bettina. I guess someone died. I wonder who it was. Probs Angus, did you ever like that dude? Yeah me neither. There’s been plenty of logical spaces to insert a murder over the last four years, why this, and now? E.g., if someone had murdered Season Two Mark, that’d explain his sudden undiscussed absence. G-d I’m obsessed with that kid! VANISHED! Like a Cipher in the Snow! Where’s his lesbian icon superheroine?

Anyhow … you know the drill: body found in the pool, ladies inside, a bottle of wine, some sort of party. If you missed the first two minutes, do yourself a favor and kill yourself right now. Jenny did. JK, dunno who killed her but I’ve got a new theory — self-defense. The L-Word Ladies aren’t killers but Jenny coulda gone off the deep end (no pun intended) (totally intended) and tried to off one of them, and one must defend oneself. These girls don’t look too upset, this isn’t exactly Sitting Shivah.

You know, the more I watch this (many times) the more it seems like either all these actors are bad actors, or all these characters are acting. You get my drift? Srsly think about it.

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Sooo … anyone wanna grab a cheeseburger and hit the cemetery?

Sgt. Xena is gonna have to ask the ladies a few questions. MMM hmm. Shane’ll go first, the evidence is inside her vaginal canal, let’s get this show on the road! Good thing they brought Angie out for all this. That girl’s not gonna have enough questions for her future therapist as it is.

Riese: “Angelica was “asleep at the time of the incident.” Not exactly a rock-solid alibi.”
Carly: “What if Angelica was like, ‘I’m just here to help guys!’, with a little Fisher Price fingerprint duster.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT’S JENNY! IT’S JENNY SHE’S DEAD YOU GUYS!
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Everyone is doing a really pathetic job of looking “shocked” in this photo.

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This show’s persistent employment of “The Way that We Live” reminds us immediately THAT NO ONE CARES WHAT WE WANT. Regardless, if you look really closely (and I’m sure many of you have), not only do you see that all these people are one-dimensional (I know, it’s teevee, but you know what I’m talking about, do nice), but that Jenny is fully SKIPPING her way through the intro. Skipping her way towards DEATH, is more like it.

This is The Way it’s the Way That We Skip

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Ladies, I’ve something quite special to bestow upon you today. I’ll update it periodically throughout the season. For example, it’s possible I’ll soon add Adele to the Vortex, or perhaps remove someone … someone … spicy … really really really. Actually what I need is a Vortex intern. Your PSD awaits.

Then something magical happens … it’s now THREE MONTHS EARLIER. We pick up right where we left off, at the wrap party for Lez Girls. This is an unusual choice for The L Word but never fear, 90% of the people in this scene will never be seen or heard from again. (see: VORTEX)

Carly: “If there’s one thing this show is, it’s thorough.”
Caitlin: “They always tie everything right up …”

Jenny gives her speech, says she’s in love with someone …

Robin: HERSELF.

Shane eats Nikki’s vagina, everyone clap clap clap (not the STD, the emotive gesture), Adele is a cunt, they’re changing the ending of the movie to be a boy-girl love story, everyone’s livid, woman bake me a pie, Jenny tells Shane “you broke my heart” except maybe she was talking to Nikki (obvs she was talking to Shane), NOW it’s time for a car chase!

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New material starts now!


Lesbian Squabble #1: All My Promises Are Out the Window When You’re Gone
In the Ring: Shane’s hot on Jenny’s trail with Nikki in the rear w/her driver.
Game On: Serious car-chase. Shane says “fuck” a lot, Jenny ignores Shane’s calls & looks possessed. Jenny, head-start enabled, wins by a hair, leaving Shane locked out & pounding on the door as she so often does and Nikki clattering up behind her like a lost but very attractive and expensively adorned puppy.
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Who’s In YOUR Top 5?

P.S. Jenny’s got a Season Two Promo shot of Shane on her phone, obvs she got that shit from the press release. These chicks need to take their own photos.
Les-Squab #1 To Be Continued …

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Lesbian Squabble #2: Baby it Seems We Never Ever Agree, You Like Cute Scooters, and I Like Humvees.
In the Ring: Alice vs. Tasha
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Content: This reminds me so much of problems/fights I had with my ex-girlfriend!

Firstly, I have Alice has a lot of friends, and they have a lot of feelings, and sometimes, they’ve gotta call/text her and if she takes it it’s not ’cause she doesn’t care about you, T, but ’cause one day you’re gonna dump Alice, and then she’s gonna have feelings and what if they ignore her ’cause they’re with their girlfriend? Also, Tasha, Alice makes you laugh. Also you’re both very beautiful, I like looking at both of your beautiful faces together making out.

Tasha just thinks they’re too different for it to work, and says she’ll save Alice the trouble of breaking up with her by furiously packing her large canvas bag. Actually, breaking up isn’t much trouble, Alice could’ve just changed her status on OurChart. Oh, sorry. RIP OurChart. Is it too soon? It’s too soon.

Carly: “I got my army regulation bag and my army regulation stuff–”
Riese: “And that black dress you made me wear for that fucking ridiculous promo shoot for your stupid show–“

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I Take Things Serious, and You Take ‘Em Light

Alice changed her mind, she doesn’t wanna break up anymore. Furthermore, she won’t let Tasha “fly off the handle” and “corner, accuse and blame” Alice when they’re both aware they’ve been unhappy. Alice sweetly changes strategy and becomes intensely adorable. Tasha wants to know why she’s so damn cute all of a sudden. Well, Alice explains, it all started when I saw Shane saucing clams with her BFF’s GF…

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Alice: “It made me think twice about taking her advice.”
Tasha: “So Shane gave you romantic advice?“
Alice: “Oh come on you know we talk about everything –”
Tasha: “And you actually thought about taking it.”
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Tasha’s being kinda unfair, this is the part of the argument where the attackee realizes that telling the truth will encourage a snarky, disgusted response and chooses, instead, to lie.

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On the Night I Die I Swear I’ll Sleep Outside Your Chainlocked Door

Jenny still won’t let Shane in! You must, says Shane, or you’ll wake up the gayborhood — you know, the neighbors who slept through Phyllis’s Naked Pool Party as well as many furniture/bag-of-life’s-possessions throwings and etc. w/requisite yelling & screamin’. Shane wants to “explain,” Jenny calls her a “sad pathetic piece of shit.” Ani DiFranco wrote a song about this.

Oz: “Couldn’t Shane just slide through that chainlock?”
Carly: “She could definitely pull a Crispin Glover.”

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Back at Casa Bettina … the star couple is in a panic! Baby Angie is CONGESETED! When my gay Mom is congested, she just honks her shnoz right there in public, they should teach Angie to do that, give her some soup, and call it a night. Or not.

Um, I’m Gonna Have to Consult Kristy’s Rules of the Baby-sitter’s Club for that one … “Advil Four Hours ago!”

The babysitter gave Angelica some Advil, the babysitter takes her final bow, the babysitter exits. Tina’s just so fucking furious about the film! Tina thinks it’s too late to call William and share her feelings, but Bette argues that William’s often called her at 3 A.M.. Tina says he pays her paycheck, Bette says that doesn’t give him more rights than her, which’s actually not true. For example, I believe J-Beals did not pick her own glittery bird of the wild for this scene, ’cause she’s the payee. Or I hope not.

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Bette: “From everything you’ve told me, William responds to strength of conviction.
I think that you need to tell him how deeply you feel about this without Adele standing there batting her eyelashes at him.”
Tina (in Bette-induced power trance): “He’ll respect it …”
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So What I Lie, I Lie to Me Too

The benevolent old couple, one of them still disturbingly adorned in aforementioned gigantic sparkly butterfly shirt, spot the young tender Shane outside pounding on Jenny’s window. These children and their drama! Tina wouldn’t blame Jenny if she never talked to Shane again, Bette thinks Tina’s being too hard on Shane, and just before this squab becomes a squabble, they maturely decide not to discuss the topic any further. I bet they learned that in therapy. Jenny, Shane, Potato, Potahto, Worst Thing Ever, Best Thing Ever, let’s call the whole thing off. TOMATO! I’M A BANANA!

Carly: “I’m not into Tina but I gotta say Tina looks good –”
Riese: “Yeah she does with that JAW surgery. But you don’t need a girl to talk, just look pretty and shut up —”
Carly: “She always talks like that … “(goes on)
Robin: “You know what’s weird? I’ve totally never been into Bette even though everyone is — “
Riese: “You know personally me neither, like I get why people do and she’s hot but personally — ”
A;ex: “OH MY GOD JENNIFER BEALS I have ALWAYS loved Bette –”
Carly (hasn’t stopped talking yet) … Oh I LOVE Bette although that shirt —
Cait: “Do you have any more feelings you’d like to share, Carly?”
Carly: “I have a LOT, actually, I have a lot of feelings and my number one feeling is sparkly butterfly.”

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I’m forever under lock and key as you pass through me

Nikki’s got keys! This just became a three way squabble, much to Nikki’s delight and Shenny’s collective dismay. Shane & Jenny’s overall dismissal of Nikki in this scene is amazing, and it’s the first time I think we see how totally stupid she is. Though when exactly did everyone decide to stop taking her seriously? This show never makes sense to me.

So I feel like Jenny was in a strange power trance through Season Five. When she got her comeuppance and was booted off set she decided to let herself have real feelings again, which is frightening to her, which’s why she only gets involved with people it could never last with. She decides to have real feelings and was rejected immediately, and the blow to her megalomaniac ego was so strong she’s gearing up now for another manic high of destruction.

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Lesbian Squabble #3: I Know These Habits Hurt Important parts of You
In the Ring: Nikki wants Jenny to listen to what ‘we’ have to say, Shane objects strongly to the royal we — “It’s just me, there is no we” — particularly when Nikki’s emotional urgency is interrupted by a text message. “Oh no, poor Tiffy!” she exclaims. Basically still Shane vs. Jenny.
Who won the last one? It was a tie, so they’re still going.

Jenny’s reaction to Nikki’s Nikkiness: PRICELESS.

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Nikki, stop it with the talking.
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Shane: “I realize I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life, but this is, by far, the most fucked up thing I have ever done. But you cannot forget that ten days ago you told me that she was dead to you.”
Jenny: (poltergeisty) “I did say that.”
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK GOES TO SHANE:
“Look, I realize I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit in my life, I realize that, but this is by far the most fucked up thing I have ever done.”
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Shane: “And for some reason in my fucked up brain (points at head, location of said brain) that gave me permission and I know that breakups take time, and that you need that time to heal, and I know that (channels Dr. Phil) I’ve encroached on your time to do that and I am sorry. So you tell me–”
Jenny: (wiping her eyes) “Oh God.”
Shane: “What can I do. I will eat dirt –”
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This is the last honest love I’ll ever give

This is a fantastic idea! I mean, how many times has this happened to you, and you’ve been like, “OMG! I’ve got all this dirt in my fridge I’ve been meaning to throw out, but it’d be way easier for everyone if you just like ate it.” I’d need a better offer personally. Will you do my dishes? Drive me around while I drink cocktails? Back massage every night for three weeks? Do my L Word Screencaps, be my intern? Hey, Big Spender!

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Shane: “… I’ll crawl on glass …” (Oh even better! Someone’s gotta do it!)
Nikki: “I mean me too Jenny I will even drink that Spirulina disgusting stuff for an entire week — I promise you –” (Wow.)
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Oh, Nikki. Nikki Nikki Nikki. Obvs crawling on glass is much more useful. I’d love to see that offer turn this argument right around. This isn’t Road Rules Gauntlet Super-Challenge Hoo-Ha Whatevs, this is a conversation, Nikki, get with the picture. No, not that kind of picture, put your clothes on.

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I’ll tell you now, I guess like I should have told you then
Shane: “I’ll be your assistant, I’ll be your servant, I’ll be your slave, whatever it takes — but I want you to forgive me!”
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NOW WE’RE TALKING. Firstly – Adele is a crap assistant. Sure she got a few coffees but in the long run not such a good choice. Secondly, Shane continues that Jenny knows her better than anyone else, and she’s the best friend Shane’s ever had and — and! — Shane is now officially “profoundly ashamed.”

Jenny’s eyes are all sadness ’cause Shane’s not gonna say what she wants to hear — that improbable burning possibility that Shane loves her back like how Jenny loves Shane. I think Shane might be evolving? Emotionally? Like, as a human. As a communicator, a friend, as a person.

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Shane: “My only explanation … not an excuse … is that I’ve been upset about Molly …”
Jenny: “MOLLY? Why?”
Shane: “She gave me hope — she — she — she inspired me –”
Jenny: “What?!! She inspired you to fuck my girlfriend on the balustrade of Yamashiro? ”
Shane: “I didn’t fuck your girlfriend.”
Nikki: “Yeah Jenny, she only ate me out.”
Jenny [amazing facial expressions]: Oh — right — okay — of course — I’m so stupid!

It’s time to throw shit.

Encircle Me
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Oz: “Run Shane Run!”
Riese: “Shane’s not afraid of death! This is pussy shit!”

I Need to Be
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Carly: “How much shit has been thrown in this house?”
Riese: “I’m surprised they still have light and glasses to drink out of.”

Taken Down
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Looks like the moment to walk on broken glass may come sooner than we’d anticipated. Also, when Jenny finishes throwing the lamp, she says “hold on a sec” and goes to find something else to throw at Nikki, which is one of the many reasons why Jenny is brilliant and therefore immortal and cannot die, because in the middle of heartbreak, she is ridiculous and perfect.

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Back to Lesbian Squabble #2, Still Raving Madly On!

I Go Home Early and You Party All Night

Back at the Palice, Tasha & Alice continue to have a conversation that brings up a lot of memories for me. Alice closes her laptop when it makes a chat noise, that’s serious growth! Go team! I think everyone read a lot of Self-Help books over summer vacation.

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Our Friends Are Sayin’ We Ain’t Gonna Last
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Tasha: “It was exciting and hot to you when I was a soldier, but we have nothing in common.”
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Do they have anything in common? Well. Not really, they don’t, but. Tasha never lets her guard down like she does when Alice makes her laugh. Alice can’t take it serious ’til Tasha shoots that steel-gaze and then Alice knows it’s time to man up. That’s something? Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Tasha argues that sex can’t be the only thing they have in common, which’s a good point, also not our problem, get naked!

Or you know. Just kiss?

cuz you move slowly, and baby we’re fast!

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Not today! Not on Rex Manning Day!

Nikki’s over it. “Fuck it, we tried,” she barely laments. Her brain can only fit one idea at a time and her new idea is playing Eloise with Shane at the Chateau. Shane ixnays that idea at which point Jenny thrusts open the door, throws Shane’s “skanky shit” at her, and tells her not to come back while she’s there. SHE’S TAKING THE GOLDFISH! (She’s hurt.)

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Angelica Has Two Sexy Mommies

Shane eschews chateau sexy-time and heads over to Bettina’s, where the Moms are worried Angelica’s got a fever. I’m still hung up on Tina reporting Angie’s age as 4.5? Shouldn’t she be in kindergarten? She knows like three words. That’s how much time has passed since the Season Two finale? It’s Cocoon time for me, basically at this point.

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Now There’s Just No Point in Reaching Out To Me

Bette & Shane have a heart-to-heart. Shane loves Molly, it’s the only girl she’s never cheated on. I believe their relationship lasted three weeks and took place mainly within a pup tent, but okay. It’s the teevee, good job Shane, you’re a big winner and should get married. Hope you mean it this time! No really I do think she’s being silly. I la-la-la-loved Sholly obvs and they had great potential but the three-month mark is an especially important one to cross cleanly when there’s a great disparity of education and lifestyle, etc. You know, like Tasha & Alice in some ways. Or … Nikki & Jenny. Dana & Tanya. Etc. Etc. Wow, they’ve put some really random couples together on this show.

Bette reminds us that Shane hasn’t talked about being in love with someone since Carmen and we all take a timeout to remember Carmen DeLaPicaMorales, goddess of television and the chief officer of the Universe of hotness.

True Love!
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Er, I Just Called to Say I Love You?

Tina whips out her balls, picks up the phone and calls William to share her passion about the film. He’s unimpressed, was probs having a wet dream about Adele & Jenny making out. He hangs up on her. Epic Fail for Bette.

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P.S. Where’s Lover Cindy?

Back at the nightclub formerly known as SheBar, Helena & Kit are brainstorming club names. Kit, apparently borrowing a dress from a Liza Minelli Impersonator Drag Queen, is talking crazy, and it’s kinda amazing. How can they combine their names to make a good name? HOW?! HOW CAN THEY DO IT? Let’s dance and find out.

Kit: “Kit Helena … Kit Helena … Hit! Hit! Hit! Hit, the hit club, hit, it’s a hit — it’s a hit, it’s hit me — girl it’s hit club! Girl where you been!?”

Carly: “Um, how about Hel-Kat?”
Riese: “Wow. That is genuinely a really good idea, that’s a hot club name.”
Carly: “HELLO! Untapped resource over here. Fountain of ideas. Just waiting.”

(photo by robin roemer)

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Tina’s lecture to Shane on thinking before she acts isn’t going over so well with Bette. It’s been vergin’ on Lez-Squab territory for a few scenes now, let’s just make it official.

Lesbian Squabble #5: I Can’t Forget What You’ve Forgotten
In the Ring: Tina vs. Bette
Content:
Bette: “We all have to take into account a lot of things before we can judge anyone else’s behavior.”
Tina: “I think that your unwillingness to judge has a lot more to do with your own history than any accommodation that you might make for Shane.”

Shane remembers why she doesn’t do relationships:

Riese: “C’mon Tina Cybersexathon, wtf? Henry, anyone?”
Carly: “That’s the pot calling the kettle slutty. Write that down. Trademark Carly.”

And the Winner Is? ANGIE! ‘Cause she cries, yells Mama, and thus swiftly ends the fight. She should be one of those wranglers on Jerry Springer. Tina backs down like a puppy in a nice farm of soft puppies.

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Alice continues digging her own grave by talking about the super-fun talks she’d have with the cute girl from Heavenly Creatures and how they had super neat-o things to talk about.

(Where Does the Good Go?)

Alice needs Tasha to know that nothing happened — “in fact,” Alice continues, “You know I think I deserve a little credit” for not playing hide the hot dog with Fashion Girl, like every other lesbian allegedly would’ve done. Like everyone on this show. Tasha’s right when she says that’s a given — “You don’t get medals for that.” That’s right. You get medals for fighting in WARS, Alice, WARS in IRAQ. Wars with guns! Purple hearts, Alice, not your little heart.

I like living quiet, but you’ve gotta shout

“I know that you think thinking is cheating. I know that’s the person that I’m dealing with,” Alice continues, and she then maturely suggests honesty. Then she keeps back-stepping about the almost-cheating with cute girl, now we’re down to a minor moment of consideration, barely even that, let alone endless flighty lovey convos about topics. Tasha’s still not having it. They should probably break up, but something about their relationship is endearing to me, maybe for all the wrong reasons. I guess it would be nice to see a little more from Tasha about what attracts her to Alice. We sort of fill in the blanks for her since we’re all so madly attracted to Alice ourselves, it’s just a given. You know, no one gets medals for it or anything.

The door buzzes … it’s SHANE with her Whole Foods bag containing her pleather pants, a few wifebeaters, contact solution and a sandwich for later. Alice is like listen up, it’s been a rough night for me and Ta-Ta, I gots to right some wrongs, you can’t stay here. And then Tasha “Flash” bolts out the door faster than that blonde chick on Heroes. But still no one can fly, foods are not always whole, and Shane must go on. One day Shane will reach Helen of Troy, and all the land will rejoice. La di-da.

Tasha’s gonna get on her bike and BUST this pop stand. Medals for not kissing, bah!

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“But I’ve only got one bag … and I’m really skinny … just half the couch is all I need …”

Robin: “I’m gonna be more “butch” somewhere!”
Carly: “I’m gonna go earn some medals somewhere!”

Alice (TO SHANE): “I love you so much but it’s really bad and you’re not helping my case –”
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Alice has to go catch Robocop!
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But when we get together it ocassionaly works out

Alice is HOT ON HER TRAIL! It’s the BIG CAR CHASE EPISODE! WHO WILL WIN THE GOLDEN GAUNTLET OF GIRLS GIRLS LOMG! I’m inventing a word. It’s LOMG. It’s when you are LOLing about how many OMG moments there are in The L WTF’in Word.

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Soooo back at Jenny’s castle, Good Molly has crossed the moat and stands on the doorstep of the highest tower in the land.

Jenny descends. Molly is wearing a $165 t-shirt, Jenny is wearing a bra and, I believe, a small skirt. This is definitely not going to go well for either of our brave knights a’courting Shane of the Green Lantern. Molly says she has come for Shane because she loves her. She then continues that her name is Hiro Nakamura and she is here to save the world. Jenny doesn’t believe her, so they return to speaking about Molly’s feelings for Shane.

Maybe She Would’ve Been Something I’d Be Good At
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Jenny: “You know that it’s Shane’s MO to make girls fall in love with her.”
Molly: “Yes I know that but I also know that what we have is different.”
Jenny: “And you also know that when girls do that they want Shane to be constrained into like a happy family and like a marriage type of relationship and that’s not gonna happen–”
Molly: “Yeah I don’t wanna constrain her, I love her for who she is so if you could just tell me when she’s gonna be back.”
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Hug it Out.

Then Jenny proceeds to extract Molly’s heartstrings right out of her rib cage by telling her Shane’s with Nikki and they probs hooked up on the Pink Ride too. She says when Nikki came back from the shower she was “still dirty” and “not wet.” Maybe Nikki just doesn’t have very good Loofah skills. She’s so judgey!

Molly gives Jenny Shane’s jacket and a letter to give to Shane. Huh.

You Should’ve Called. Call! Called. Call it Off!

Probs Jenny’ll call Shane right now and be like, hey I got your jacket and Molly wrote you a letter if you wanna come read it. Yeah whenevs. I’ll be here, sitting on my little mushroom of evil love for you, waiting. WTF?!!! LOMG! No one ever does that. I need it on lockdown: email w/return receipt, delivery confirmation of package, voice mail too risky — clearly Molly’s not suffering from anxiety like that.

Obvs as soon as Molly’s out the door Jenny is ready to unwrap that sucker and read the hell out of it. She begins smiling, an expression which I think means either: 1. I’m evil and psychotic, 2. Oh, Poor Molly, 3. Oh. It looks like I am suffering from a serious mental illness, perhaps due to all the trauma I’ve endured in my life or perhaps it’s something I was born with but at some point I was in the hospital for SIX MONTHS so it’d be neat if this show could address the story of someone who I think is possibly bipolar (the manic highs — the shopping, the destruction and obsessions, the megalomania, the extremes — the lows — the cutting, the falling to pieces over Tim, the sad wallowing writing) or maybe has Borderline, and if so, it’s sort of just unraveling in a logistical sense for the first time, as it’s only ever affected emotional realities until she got professional power. Now that she has it, it’s manifesting differently. Plus often these things manifest later in life than other illnesses do. They’re really mishandling the story of a survivor here. Anyhow probs Jenny should see a psychiatrist. Oh, I know, instead let’s pretend like none of that stuff matters, and just hate Jenny. Booo! Let’s kill her she’s bad!

Molly’s Letter:“In your eyes I see things i know I cannot touch, I know not to reach for them, I let them touch me.
And I cherish these moments that we’re able to share, however fleeting they may be.”
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Jenny smiles, it’s either totally evil, or totally empathetic. either way, she’s obvs gonna go stick that shit in the attic.

I’m Just Gonna Put this Up Here with the Flowers.

Robin: “They just did this scene for the camera angles.”

Jenny/Ilene we are collectively unimpressed.

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Bette’s shirt looked bad enough in dim lighting, this blue hospital thing isn’t gonna do anyone any favors. I guess she’d be able to light the way were they to go underground into a cave. Bette goes off at the nurse for only letting her put one name in the “mother” slot. Bette. It’s time to face the facts. Tina gave birth to the baby, I’m pretty sure that’s all they’re asking for. Just write down Tina’s name, put yourself as the Dad, and let’s move on. I imagine they just wanna know who’s womb caused the congestion, that’d be Tina. Though personally, I blame Marcus Allenwood, he looked like a Sudafed junkie.

Firstly, she’s very upset ’cause there are same-sex families on EVERY STREETCORNER IN LOS ANGELES. That’s a ton of punk-ass lesbian families. EVERY streetcorner! ALL OF THEM! I knew this would eventually all come back to crack, my favorite drug/street corner purchase, it always does.

“She was born in this fucking hospital and both our names are on the fucking birth certificate so why don’t you give us a g-ddamn break and get our daughter in to see a goddamn doctor,” says Bette. Can we add a drink to the drinking game every time Bette gets self-righteous and outspoken about something that doesn’t make that much sense?

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Anyone up for a Moons Over My Hammy?

Carly: “Shane has everything in this Whole Foods bag?”
Riese: “Well she’s very tiny.”

Nikki & Entourage are pleased as punch to run into Shane at Cafè Whereves They Are. Shane asks Nikki what she’s doing here, clearly she’s never seen this set before either, and Carly adds, speaking for Nikki’s hipster friends: “we’re just out being asymmetrically haired.” Nikki insists that Shane must stay so that she can rub Shane’s hair, promise to take care of her, tousle her hair and say “Isn’t she sexy you guys!” to her hipster buddies but Shane’s not having any of it.

It’s like she’s a girl … but also she looks like a boy! She’s like so cute you guys!

Jenny texts Nikki offering her another chance to come over and grovel, which probs means “come over so I can fuck you ’til I forget my heart exists.” Nikki, possessing the emotional complexity of an acorn squash, is torn on staying or going. Hello Nikki what about the entourage. Don’t leave those whackos with Shane. She’s not feeling very Shane today.

++
Nikki: “I know but Jenny’s been so mean.”
Shane:“I don’t know what to tell you. Just go, okay? Just go.”
Nikki:“Are you gonna be okay?”
++

Of course Shane’s gonna be okay. Does she have her Whole Foods bag? Yes. CHECK. No really, this is what Shane does. She goes into everything expecting to fuck it up, and when she does fuck it up she doesn’t try to fix it, she just throws up her hands. Or pushes. Shane doesn’t get jealous ’cause she doesn’t get attached. She’s got her heart so blocked off to the world, convinced that it’ll kill people, and therefore she’s forgotten what it feels like to have one, that’s why she keeps breaking other hearts but she really doesn’t mean to.

But it’s not because she doesn’t care. She totally cares. She just acts against that, instead of for it. Actually, you know, I really don’t understand why she’d hook up with Nikki, just ’cause she’s got this libido? I don’t buy it, Shane would never do that, but okay, whatever, I realize this is the show I am watching.

Carly: “Who are these people? Her entourage? Is Nikki hanging out with Spencer Pratt?”
Riese: “Speaking of, where’s Max?”
Carly: “Speaking of unfortunate facial hair …”

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Live Your Life As If You’re One

Soooo we can add “reading a thermometer” to the short list of “Things Bette Porter can’t do.” It’s right up there with assembling a home birthing machine and “noticing when your ex is pregnant.” They have cutey time talk about all their hearts and skins and love and feelings and things. For example?

++
Tina: “You appear to the rest of the world to be so Alpha and in control and I know how hard it is for you to cover up the panic you feel inside.”
++
See how lovely it is.

We love all things lovely. Bette is very pretty, and I wish she’d change her shirt.

---

Really?! Papi! Really!!!!

Papi looks fantastic. She’s got that “I just got out of bed look.” Coincidentally, she did. Alice briefly shouts-out the Vortex — “you disappeared! I thought you left town or got arrested by some cop who was pissed off you slept with his wife.”

I take two steps forward, we take two seasons back

Everyone: “OH MY GOD IT’S PAPI!”
Cait: “I love the Papi music that starts when she comes onscreen, it’s so tasteful!”
A;ex: “Oh that’s the reggatòn. It follows Papi wherever she goes, in a cloud.”

Papi requests they keep it down, ’cause she’s got work to do. She does her best work at 3 A.M. So do I! Oh, JK. She means the other kind of work. Oldest profession.

++

We Come Together, ’cause opposites attract.

Everyone notice that Alice is in an apartment with three women she’s slept with? Lesbians, I tell you, they should have a chart. She’s laying the cute on thick to Tasha, who’s trying to stay serious. Alice asking cutely for the beer makes my heart melt.

---

There are a lot of amazing things about this sex scene. Jenny has decided to play tonight, ’cause that’s what Jenny does. When life is not as she wants it, she throws life on the bed when it’s naked & supplicant & then she fucks it.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: I Smile When I’m Angry, I Cheat and I Lie
The Players: Nikki and Jenny
The Pick-Up: “Hi. C’mere.”
Hot or Not? Nikki keeps yakking away, all apologies, and Jenny shushes her because this is what one must do when one is having sex with a sexy-bodied pretty girl who’s all apologies but so stupid. Now we see that Jenny’s packing, surprise, and you thought that was just a banana in her pocket. I’m a BANANA.

I am Taken
++

I’m Yours
++

They’ve always had hot sex scenes. ‘Cause when Jenny was in charge of the movie, it was like two extremes meeting up in bed — the physically perfect (to a point of almost being boring) woman matched up against the tangibly powerful woman with perfect power over Nikki ’cause Nikki is playing HER in the film, they’re both vehicles of additional power to each other.

Anyhow Jenny fucks her a lot, there’s yelling, she puts her hand over Nikki’s mouth when Nikki won’t shut up, it’s all distant and dichotomy heavy and aggressive and scary/hot.

These are Nikki’s breasts.
Just throwin’ it out there, so to speak …

---

Back at Papi’s … zomg, Alice is so cute! She’s playing with Papi’s little figurines.
++

It Ain’t Fiction, Just a Natural Fact, We Come Together ‘Cause Opposites Attract.
Alice: “You’ve gotta admit it’s a little tacky.”
Tasha: “It’s her culture.”
Alice: “C’mon — look at the hat.”
Tasha: “See, that’s our problem.”
Alice: “I’m not saying YOU would buy this –”
++

We Also Have Hats.
++

Tasha tells Alice she wasn’t such a snob when they first met just as Gabby Devoux waltzes in to announce that —

Who’d a thought we could be Lovers?
++
Alice: “You sure that’s liverwurst I smell?”
[Tasha laughs]
Gaby: “I wonder if your friend knows that her girlfriend used to be nicknamed “crash” ’cause she would always show up to parties she wasn’t invited to.”
[Tasha and Alice exchange a sad, lovely glance]
Alice: “That’s what my life used to be like. Right there.”

Carly: “What happened to Gaby’s hair?”
Riese: “I believe she just got papi’ed.”
Sam: “Her cherry just got papi’ed.”

“You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re strong, you’re honest, you’re beautiful. I’m not ready to lose you.”
(Alice, to Tasha.)
++

That makes sense. Still though I keep thinking of that New York Times article about The L Word which noted that “couples are often so unsuitably paired that the audience can’t help hoping their bodies will follow their wandering eyes in immediate succession.” I should link to it.

---

Lesbian Squabble #6: Girl Trash
In the Ring: Two pretty girls with a lot of feelings vs. one pretty girl w/feelings vs. Helena the Regulator
Who Wins? Helena breaks that shit up like amazing. She learned that in jail.They don’t call it the HIT club just ’cause that’s how Kit wants to combine the words ‘kit’ and ‘helena,’ y’all.
++

Yay for fighting and breaking up drama!
++

They Know That It’s Me They’ve Been Coming to See, to Forget About Life for a While

But y’know. The real damage control needs to be done elsewhere … Shane’s magical mystery tour has ended at HIT CLUB: WHERE THE GIRLS ARE. Time for Tequila!  Let’s GET LOUD! LET’S GET LOUD! WHEEEEE! I LOVE THE L WORD!

---

I Won’t Mistake You For Problems With Me

Tina & Bette have another Dr. Phil moment. I feel like we’re watching a how-to video for couples therapy. See all ye on-again-off-again couples at home, forever love and family is possible. People can change and we can triumph over differences and hurt and betrayal and love each other forever and ever or at least until Jesse Spano comes to town.

Bette: “Given my history, I just, I don’t wanna be casual about the promise that I made to you.”
Tina: “I didn’t know that you made any promises.”
Bette: “Well, I’m making a promise to you right now.”
[Tina laughs, but totally cute and I love you-like]
Bette: “I promise that I share your values* about family and faithfulness and commitment —
[Tina laughs again, cutely again]
— and that I will never ever cheat on you again. I love you.”
Tina: “Wow.”

*Not to be confused with the CORE values represented in the famous work of art “CORE” by Jodi Lerner, the masterful audio-visual art installation that marked the first time in history that something so awful was projected on such a large screen, just narrowly beating Death to Smoochie.

---

She Likes it Neat, and She Makes a Mess

Speaking of couples triumphing over adversity, nothing brings you back together like laughing at other people making crazy wild sex noises. I love the way they laugh together. It’d appear Gabby’s getting a little taste of Papi’s famous magic circles and Talice go home with NSA.

++
Tasha: “I’m not even sleeping in your bed, not until we figure some shit out.”
Alice: “Whatever you say, fine.” [cute!]
++
Who Wins? Alice!
++
Oh Alice, you’re such a goofer!

---

Hellloooo Nurse!

Shane’s fallen asleep at HIT in one of the magic bubbles. Luckily she only weighs 90 pounds so the girls have no trouble lifting her and she’s gonna go home with Auntie Kit. We got super nervous that she was gonna leave her Whole Foods bag in the magic bubble but Kit’s got that shit on lockdown don’t worry, she won’t have to repeat underwear. If she wears any. Probs just unnecessary at this point.

---

Back at Team Alice HQ:

++

+

Feel the Need To Lay Down Beside You and Tell You

Tasha insists that she sleep on the fold-out couch to avoid one’s natural inclination to jump Alice’s adorable little bones. After all, Tasha reminds a protesting Alice, this bed is “100 times more comfortable than half the places I’ve slept” like on the GROUND in the DESERT in IRAQ with the DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE. Basically Tasha has slept on a bloodied battlefield using a severed arm as a pillow with a landmine under her ass in yesterday’s underwear and Alice has always slept on silky silky comfy sheets in cotton panties so that’s that, they have nothing in common. Alice gets all flirty and wants to just test out the bed.

This scene is too cute for words. Really it is. Just watch it.

Alice fails at making her serious face.
++
Tasha: “What’s with the flared nostrils, is that part of your serious look?”
Alice: “Yeah — yeah –”
++

Tasha’s serious they can’t do it ’til they figure out if they’re gonna stay together. Alice asks if Tasha thinks they should go to therapy. Tasha says hell no, therapy is for white people. I mean, therapy is for people with “problems,” and she doesn’t think they have any, but ok, maybe. Ok sleepy sloos time.

++

---

This photo is both magical and strange, I have nowhere to put it, but I must put it somewhere.
++

We pay for the stupid things we’ve done where I come from
Shane: “It wasn’t even worth it, that’s the worst part. It was such a waste.”
Kit: “Jenny — she gonna get over it –”
Shane: “No she’s not –”
Kit: “Oh yeah — ”
Shane: “No she’s not. She’s not gonna get over it.
She’s too delicate … she’s way too delicate … and I don’t just mean that whole movie thing with Adele and Nikki, I mean in general … she’s fragile.”

How fragile exactly … so fragile she might fall into the swimming pool and DIE!?! Also coincidence that she’s sleeping underneath a giant CROSS!? Hello, Jenny is Jesus, Shane is Mary Magdalene, proceed.

Shane: “And the worst part, the part that makes me the most sick is that I was probably the last person she would expect to do something like this. And I did it.”
Kit: “Yeah, yeah. You did, you did it. It seems like her life has just been one big ass-whooping, you know?”

When Kit says “yeah, you did it!” she sounds just like my grandma. Then Shane gets suddenly annoyed by the heat, removes her socks, kicks her skinny legs around, and sighs dramatically. Oh Shane Shane. We’ve so been there. Never sleep with your socks on.

Kit: “You kinda just let all your women go. Carmen, Molly …”
Shane: “No no Jenny’s my friend …”
Kit: “That’s why you can do it! Fight for the friendship. Let her know that you’ll fight to the death to let her know you’re not gonna let her go. You’re not gonna lose this friendship.”

the friendship!
++
Damn, Kit is wise today. Why couldn’t she have played this character every year?

---

This next scene is pretty fucking awesome. It’s the morning after, and Nikki’s luxuriating in a nice white comfy bed and I think someone mic’ed the sheets. For Chrissake, it sounds like a hurricane every time she moves a limb. Limb from Limb, wasn’t that an episode? They should’ve done “Lambchop” starring Lambchop. For the kids you know.

Well I hope I never figure out who broke your heart…
++
Nikki: “Last night after everything that happend with Shane, it was so romantic when you said that i broke your heart … You broke my heart (totally blown away by Jenny’s poetics) … I love you so much Jenny …”

++

++
JENNY MOMENT: “You didn’t break my heart.
You’re nothing but a self absorbed, self-indulgent little brat.
And our affair on set was nothing but a showmance.
And when I said that you broke my heart, I wasn’t talking about you, darling.
(gets up, puts on her t-shirt, wipes her hands clean of it, tosses Nikki her clothes, and exits with:)
It’s time for you to go.”
++

You Break my Heart Each Time You
++

---

It’s the day after at The Planet and Shane has arrived to save the cheerleaderher friendship with Jenny. The key to Shane’s haircut & style is: it works just as well the morning after.Helena sees Shane and invites her to come sit at the counter, far far away from all the people who have complicated feelings about her. But Shane is gonna FIGHT for the friendship. You can’t hold her back, she could’ve been a contender, ADRIANNN!

++

++

Jenny, always looking for a way back into her magical carnival of adolescent behavior,
maturely declares that if Shane sits with them, she’s gonna leave. This was one of my favorite games to play in Junior High.

++

Bette and Tina are scrolling the mental memory bank to remember how they handled this situation in 7th grade, which is the last time that someone responded to “I’d like to talk to you” with “Would anyone like to go have a drink with me?” (substitute ‘Capri Sun’ for “drink”)

Tasha-thinking-is-cheating, improbably dressed in a $150 t-shirt her character wouldn’t buy even if she could afford it, along with Tina-cybersex-isn’t-cheating — a.k.a. Team Monogamy — get up to go sit with Jenny, leaving Shane with The Millamoment Not-Cheater, the Carpenter-Schtupper and eventually they are joined by the Pregnant-Ex-Wife-Snatcher/Former Convict.

I’m putting my money on the martyrs.
++

The couples shoot one another unassuming glances while Jenny and Shane play the stare game, except with intense sideways glances instead of direct stares. It’s all in the eyes people, this is remarkably subtle for a show that generally prefers to pound us senseless with its plot devices. They just need someone from a marginalized group to come in here, say strange alienating things to everyone, therefore re-enforcing stereotypes rather than providing genuine boundary-busting, and eventually leave the same Season One characters to go on being conventionally pretty and dramatic. La la la.

+

+++
Well, one thing’s for sure:

+

+

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++ The Round-Up:

A brief sidenote: Ilene has been quoted as saying “it seems very logical that it be Jenny to die because she was the person most hated.” Really? Really Papi? There are many ways to solve conflicts besides killing people, and many ways to make an unlikeable character likeable besides just cutting them from payroll and pretending henceforth as if they never existed (marcmarcmarc) (obsessed!), and if you want your viewers to have “passionate and outraged responses” it should be towards the actions of the CHARACTERS, not the actions made in the writer’s room (which I imagine for Ilene is a banquet hall with a large throne for one dictator, where she dotes upon the peasantry surrounded by several grape-feeding maidens and basking in the soothing sounds of mating manatees). Well, I’ve talked about this already.
++

Anyhow! Thanks for reading! I think it’s gonna be a killer season for real, but I don’t mean that in a punny way. I mean I think exciting things will happen in general, in our shared world, in a way that relates to this show but isn’t because of it. Does that make sense? Yay for recaps! I never make sense. I like chips.