Happy Scary Season to all my horror heads, and yes I do prefer Scary Season to Spooky Season because I’m more of the “haunted hayride where you might piss yourself in the woods” type of Halloween-loving homo than the “wholesome pumpkin carving party” type, but let’s be real I love those cozy, sweet parts, too. But mostly, I like to spend this month screaming. This Scary Season, I had the chance to see a 50th anniversary screening of one of my favorite (albeit, yes, a problematic fav) horror films of all time, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. It was a wild ride. And as I felt both discomfort and delight, it got me thinking about another “horror” universe that makes me feel discomfort and delight. I am of course, obviously, talking about the Real Housewives and the wider Bravosphere. Oh, you haven’t noticed the similarities between Leatherface and gang and the wild women of Bravo? How strange! It’s so obvious! Allow me to explain.
Things Featured in Both Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Real Housewives
1. Frequent Shots of the Full Moon
My wife and I always joke when watching Bravo: Is it ALWAYS the full moon in these women’s world? How can it ALWAYS BE THE FULL MOON? I mean, obviously the shots of the full moon add a little suspense, a little sexiness. As a gay, I feel instantly moved by the power of the full moon. And not only does Bravo exploit this feeling in me, but so too does Texas Chain Saw Massacre, because once that boiling orb of a Texas sun sets, it’s all about shots of the full moon. The lighting is one of my favorite parts of this film, and there’s a soft and sinister moonglow to the overnight scenes.
2. A Dinner Party From Hell
Before the women of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sat down for their iconic Dinner Party From Hell in 2010, Sally Hardesty was forced to sit down for perhaps one of the hellish “dinner parties” in cinematic history. This is also where it’s essential to note the hellish behind-the-scenes environment of shooting this film. For the dinner party scenes in particular, the actors were forced to work in brutal conditions, which have been documented in retrospectives about the film and its lasting legacy. There are probably legitimate connections to be made between that filming process and the often manipulative settings of reality television production!!!!!!! But I’m just here to do a silly bit that has probably already gone on too long but GUESS WHAT, there are still six more things to come on this list. Wow! I am NOT channeling the vibe of Txas Chain Saw Massacre’s tight 82-minute runtime. This blog post is already too long!
3. Screaming
Just…so much screaming! After getting out of our screening of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, my wife was like “that was more screaming than I remembered.” It’s a lot of screaming! Including during times when, arguably, someone should not be screaming, like when trying to evade a masked killer in the woods, when silence could perhaps aid one’s ability to hide and evade. But alas! They really do just keep screaming in the face of that chain saw! Meanwhile, over in Real Housewives land, they scream like its a competitive sport. Like it’s in their DNA. Like if they stop screaming, they’ll disappear. The most screaming tends to happen at the reunions, to the point where my wife often has to be on her phone while watching, so as not to look at the screaming too directly. Real Housewives: They’re just like us scream queens.
4. Excessive Bodily Fluids
Skip this blurb if you’re easily grossed out! Now, an excess of bodily fluids is probably self-explanatory when it comes to Texas Chain Saw Massacre and its many murders and sweaty setting, but why are there so many bodily fluids oozing out of the Real Housewives? Well, I’m so glad you asked, but I don’t have a real answer! Real Housewives of New York seems to be the franchise with the most bodily fluid incidents, including vomit, piss, and even some shit on the floor at one point? And while it is not a direct Real Housewives series, spinoff Vanderpump Rules has also had its fair share of fluids, including the legendary Door Spit (self-explanatory: he spit on a door) by James Kennedy.
5. People Walking Into Other People’s Homes Uninvited
Now, I know they’re all expecting each other and there are literal film crews that have set up in said homes, but nothing breaks the fourth wall for me more when watching Real Housewives and someone just barges into someone’s large house unannounced, with nary a knock. I’m like a fake Southerner since I’m from central Virginia, but I’m simply too Southern for that! On a similar note, probably no one would have died in Texas Chain Saw Massacre if they hadn’t walked into a large and OBVIOUSLY CREEPY HOUSE in the middle of Texas and FULL OF BONES unannounced. Sure, they didn’t know about the bones yet, but that is not exactly a welcoming looking house. I’m not victim blaming but I mean, come on…
6. People Mocking Someone for Crying
The hitchhiker mocking Sally for crying in Texas Chain Saw Massacre is 100% giving Dorinda mocking Ramona for crying in the season 12 episode where Ramona attempts to confront Dorinda about her anger issues. To be fair, while Sally’s tears are very real tears of fear, Ramona’s are more of the crocodile variety. But there’s something extremely off-putting about Dorinda’s response here! Which also brings me to…
7. Someone Slicing Their Own Hand With a Knife for Emphasis
Ah, yes, another Dorinda moment. Is she the most Texas Chain Saw Massacre of all the Housewives? Maybe so. While the hitchhiker intentionally slices his own hand (making the moment all the more alarming) and Dorinda cuts herself on accident, there’s…a similar vibe, no? Dorinda is unhinged in this moment! She stabs a knife on a table for emphasis! Who does that!
8. Drama in a Large Van
It might not be a Sprinter, but the van in Texas Chain Saw Massacre is iconic, perhaps rivaled only in Dramatic Van Shenanigans (shenanivans?) when it comes to the Sprinter from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City on which Jen Shah was arrested. So much fucked up shit has happened in vans on Real Housewives that I have vowed to never ride in a Sprinter van…as if I’ve ever been asked to ride on a Sprinter van even once in my life. I similarly would probably not agree to ride in a old beat-up van with a bunch of young adults through central Texas. In any other vehicle, sure! But not a van, and especially not after a rando man spreads his literal BLOOD on it! No, that’s why we’re renting a Suburu for the road trip. You never hear about people getting chainsaw-murdered OR arrested on national television while on the way to a girls trip in a Suburu.
