by the autostraddle breakup buds collective
Dear friends, within the past year, a large number of Autostraddle writers and friends have experienced breakups of various intensities and complications — so much so that we have an entire Slack channel devoted to the topic. There is no shortage of emotions to process, including so many dark, disturbing questions about the future. Here are some of the things one might ask oneself about your breakup, as brainstormed by various thriving souls who are totally okay at various points over the past month or so. If you are anybody’s ex and you are reading this, whichever question you think is about you is not about you, it’s about somebody else’s ex or actually about a breakup that happened way before we even met you. Okay cool.
1. Which unexpected gender presentation shift should I do first
2. What if they were right about [thing they accused me of being during a really bad fight]
3. Where does “learning what you like in a relationship” begin and “being conditioned to like a thing by your first relationship” end?
4. Do I get a robe and a cigar when my divorce paperwork goes through or do I have to self-supply?
5. Will I ever have sex that good again?
6. Will I ever have sex again?
7. What if I forgot how to do [specific sex act she didn’t like]
8. What if I forgot how to do [sex]
9. Wow, how could I have been so wrong about [the type of sex it turns out I like to have after all]?
10. How many years until The One Who Got Away gets divorced and comes back to me, do you think
11. Would I always feel this empty after a breakup if I had a better relationship with my Mom
12. When’s the cheapest time of year to fly to Portland
13. How do I know when somebody is flirting with me?
14. Is every relationship just a reaction to the relationship before that
15. Am I just stuck in a cycle where each relationship I attempt to overcompensate for mistakes made in the prior relationship, therefore creating new problems I then feel unequipped to deal with due to them being caused by an intentional rather than innate personality shift?
16. What if I was just a single mom and never had to consult with ANYONE about ANYTHING and just raised my kid around a bunch of other queers and relied heavily on my mother for free child care?
17. [After looking at face in mirror] AH WHERE HAS MY WANTON MAIDENHOOD GONE AND WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME, AGING, YOU CRUEL MISTRESS
18. [After looking at face in old photograph] WHY DID SHE ROB ME OF MY HOTTEST YEARS
19. At what point is it inappropriate to still be on a post-breakup casual-sex, drugs and alcohol bender?
20. What if I’m the crazy one?
21. What if we’re all the crazy ones!
22. What if she’s totally sane and it was just me who made her crazy and I’ve been doing everything wrong this whole time (I mean probably not, but)
23. Is this the part where I freeze my eggs?
24. Is everyone else settling or has everyone else somehow found their soulmate while I’ve been dating these fools
25. Will I ever stop talking about this?
26. Will topping more people make up for not being over her?
27. If arranged marriages have the same success rate as love marriages then really what are we all doing here, if you really think about it
28. If we went through everything we went through to be together and it didn’t work out, will anything?
29. Will I ever be out of therapy?
30. Do they miss me
31. When will I stop missing her so much
32. Why am I so much more okay than I thought I would be?
33. Do I want to date someone else because she’s dating someone else or because I genuinely want to be dating someone else?
34. How do I stop from swinging hard in the opposite direction and avoiding those patterns so hard or trying to emotionally correct so much that I stay in situations I shouldn’t?
35. Why am I still in love with this person who left!?
36. How long were we dead before I noticed the silence?
37. Am I truly a non-monogamous person… or did I just not like monogamy with her?
38. Am I truly a monogamous person… or did I just not like non-monogamy with her?
39. How do you know what /is/ real?
40. Can I actually afford to live here?
41. Can I actually afford to move?
42. What if I did actually move here for her even though I said I wasn’t moving here for her…
43. If I end every relationship with a fresh list of everything that’s wrong with me, how long until there’s nothing left to like about me?
44. Should I text her before Pride just to like, talk about what we’re going to do if we run into each other or whatever
45. How do I see what’s happening in any new relationship for what it is without bringing all my baggage along the way?
46. Does anybody have baggage that goes with mine
47. When is it okay to try to be friends with her friends again
48. Do her friends already hate / miss me
49. Is she lying to her friends about me
50. How much Fiona Apple is too much
51. Is it appropriate or childish to say “I’m never dating [ex’s sun sign] ever again”
52. Will I lose all the cool things I’ve re-discovered about myself as a single person if I get into another relationship? How do I not do that?
53. Is she really as happy as she looks on social media or does she feel exactly like I do (bad) despite how happy I am pretending to look on social media
54. Anybody know a good place for a dramatic haircut around here
55. What if I just buy a chunk of land on a south-facing hill and dig a cave and live in that and grow succulents to be my friends and never talk to anyone else ever again? That’s okay right? I think that’s okay. I think that’s the best thing to do, considering.
Number 55 seems like the right response to all problems, tbh.
Kennedy’s retiring? To the cave!
Global warming? To the cave!
Lady problems? To the cave!
Grocery store is out of beans when you want to make chili? Fuck everything. To the cave!
I wanna hug #55 and take them some beans to their cave tbh
thank you, it’s always been my way
#51 is totally appropriate to feel and say cause your feels are valid but then the universe is probably gonna dump someone with that same sun/moon/venus sign into your lap tbqh
also this is extraordinarily relatable and a+ content, keep feeling & healing, everybody! <3 GROUP HUG
This list is perfect!
OMG, literally just went through a break-up recently and you don’t know how much I needed this. Autostraddle, you get me. <3
me too – this is way too close to home
My fiancée and partner of five years left me very, very recently. And it does feel like breakups are in the air/a storm is coming. Maybe it’s just that the queer women you can meet, friendly or otherwise, the easiest are just as heart broken as you are.
Bottom line, thank you for this list. I feel like I identify with each and every piece and it makes me feel the tiniest bit less broken/less alone.
<3
<3 <3
i have a theory that a lot of couples who were sorta lukewarm last year stuck it out because of the terror surrounding trump, and now that terror has become just a part of being alive and so people are thinking about other things besides just that terror and that’s part of why there are so many breakups this year! that’s not the case for me but it’s my only theory (also b/c i am old, i remember right after 9/11 everybody suddenly got into a relationship immediately or clung tighter to the one they were in)
OKAY THIS FEELS REALLY RIGHT because my, as of 6/1/18, ex (previously partner of SEVEN YEARS) and I almost broke up last August, but it seemed too scary so we waited 10 wonderful months.
Tell me more about the divorce robe. I need to know if I’m planning a fluffy terry cloth spa day or a rebound ho phase in a velour Hugh Hefner number.
Yes this is important information.
it turns out you have to self-supply
oh no, as if the paperwork costs weren’t enough already
57. Will I be able to afford to live by myself?
58. Should I feel guilty about not wanting her to have our cat?
59. Should I feel guilty about wanting her to have our cat?
60. Do I have to tell my mother? No, really, do I have to have that convo out loud with her?
61. How can I make it ok for her?
62. How can I stop just worrying about how to make it ok for her?
63. How can I not feel guilty about wanting to feel good now?
64. How do I just breathe and let it be?
?????
S/o to all the people going through concrete breakups, but ALSO s/o to all the people who are going through unofficial breakups with people you sort of dated but not “technically/actually,” so you can’t super process because it wasn’t “official” and therefore isn’t, like, “recognized” as a thing you should/could/would be upset about. I SEE U I FEEL U IT’S ALL SO HARD BEING A PERSON IS HARD!
Thank YOU, Jordana! Feeling very seen!
Yup that’s me just spent the past few months discreetly falling apart hidden in plain sight nbd.
SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTIONS INCLUDE:
56. What just happened?
57. Am I crazy?
58. Is SHE crazy?
59. Did anyone else see this coming?
60. What did SHE think was happening?
61. WAS IT ALL A DREAM?
I NEEDED THIS SO BADLY THANK YOU.
Numbers #3 #14 #15 #32 are so incredibly relatable. And also, how is it possible to feel and think all these contradictory things at the same time?!
Other questions I find myself constantly asking:
“Should I text her to see if she’s okay after [terrible thing happened in the world]?”
“Should I warn her I’m coming or make a plan to see her or do my best to entirely avoid her when I go visit the city I left that she’s still living in?”
“Is it okay that I feel like I can’t talk to my new girlfriend about [thing that I used to talk to my ex-girlfriend about]?”
“Just because I liked [that part of relationship with ex-girlfriend] does that mean I need that in any future serious relationship?”
“What does it mean that I’ve now been with my new girlfriend longer than I was ever with my ex-girlfriend?”
And most importantly:
“HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN I’M FINALLY NOT IN LOVE WITH HER ANYMORE?!”
yess but wait what about the “I’m deep deep deep in a hole pls help” one: “what if everyone I date from now on would secretly prefer to be with her [CAUSE SHE WAS PERFECT]”
Look, I’m never dating a Scorpio again it’s just a fact
The sting that never heals…
I’ve been ruined twice in a row by Aries/Taurus cusps! That’s too specific to be a coincidence. They’re clearly narcissists.
OMG, Right. I know they are the worst. Same here, if I ever hear Scorpio again, I hope I have my running shoes on, because I am turning the hell around and running away as fast as I can.
same. man, FUCK scorpios
AW I wanna give all of you hugs, don’t worry y’all, you’re doing just fine, give yourself time to heal <3
49 has been on my mind for a long while. #19 depends on how the breakup went and if u-hauling was involved. If the breakup happened while u-hauling(middle of the move or a few days after) I’d say about a month.
#65 It’s over but we kissed(on the lips) wtf does it mean?
#66 Am I looking at certain types who are similar to them or is that what I really want?
#67 Will I ever forget what could have been.
#68 Is it normal to blacklist a part of a city we or they use to frequent?
#69 How can I stop replaying mistakes I or they made in my head.
You can NEVER have too much Fiona Apple!
#4, #5, #6, #29, #31, and not to even talk about #35… I really needed this post.
#70 Should I send this list to her?
#71 Fuck, why did I sent this list to her?
LOL and also YES
My ex is a writer and internet-famous. An article I was reading included takes from various people and a certain topic, and hers was one of them. I was kinda of like “Oh look some great hot takes! Oh look they quoted [ex] let me be all upset now.” So I read this list several times over.
(I’m really here for #1)
These are TOO relatable but I’m obligated to yell about #46 because I’m 98% sure it’s a RENT reference and not just a coincidental wording choice, and I played Mimi earlier this year so that was MY LINE
AND the show opened two weeks after my earth-shattering life-ruining breakup, so instead of therapy I just blew out my voice singing all that angry shit. 10/10 recommend theater for all your breakup woes! No time to be sad when you’ve got 90 hours of rehearsal this week!
IT IS A RENT REFERENCE
#15 is basically my circle of life.
Way to call me out, AS staffers :(
#72 Is her refusal to deal directly with me re: divorce papers because I’m a cunt or because she’s a cunt?
#73 Will I ever be able to say her name without grimacing or feeling physically ill?
Wow I’ve read this list four times already and every time I find a new number to relate to!
Woo, I’ve been asking myself #2 and #49 a lot
#46–Finding someone with compatible baggage is just as important as finding someone who does what you can’t do, like taxes or plumbing.
#50–Only with Billy Holiday. I call it “crying in your beer” music, and I might have made a mix tape or two by that name.
75% of these are me. Plus “is this actually going to kill me?” because there are moments that definitely feel like that :(
Yes
#55, just sitting in a lawn chair in that red terrycloth robe, nursing a tumblr of Bailey‘s, watching the sun set and wondering, #85, so to speak, „DO you need to water succulents, and how often really?“
Plants are friends.
when are we getting the answer sheet though? … asking for a friend haha.
totally needed something like this!!
Oh no, I’ve been triggered. *hurriedly hides phone as to avoid texting ex*. Why am I being attacked so early in the am? Haha.
I want you to know that I initially misread this as librarian breakups and to be honest librarian types are so queer this didn’t seem wrong to me
fuck me this is too relatable. this is the breakup resource i’ve needed for years
I love you Autostraddle but like why are you coming for my life like this …for reals this list is so healing. #1 (aaahhh what? how did you know?? didn’t even know this was a thing but it’s happening to meeee?? I’m about to get rid of half of my wardrobe because I haven’t worn it since the breakup), and #85 why don’t my feelings match my logic EVER???
When I was married to a man, he cheated soI took the kids and left. I made a playlist on my amazon music app and would play it late at night as i quietly sobbed into a pint of Guiness. Fast forward a MONTH and he texts me one day saying “can you pls stop playing music on my Alexa.” It never occured to me it would play on another device. Fucker listened to my god damn broken heart music, at our old home, and waited a MONTH to tell me. That honestly was more violating than the cheating…
Okay so I went through a breakup 6 months ago that broke me so hard and I relate to this content so MUCH but what is also so great is to realize that I actually Am over it now? So now it makes me laugh but actually feel really powerful and resilient to get though it. Time is magic, y’alI
Awesome. i read your post from begining to last. Its really awesome. keep sharing more
Your post on the lesbian break up teaches me alot about lesbians. Thanks alot for sharing