47 Passionate Comments From 100% Straight People On The Daily Mail’s “Nobody Is 100% Straight”

As you may already be aware — The Daily Mail, never a stranger to scandal where they can find it, recently seized upon a Broadly article from November 2015 entitled “Straight People Don’t Exist, New Research Says” and a November 2017 book published by an author of the study about male sexual fluidity to write a piece of their own two days ago: No one is 100% straight: Study says sexuality is a ‘spectrum’. We wrote about the often dubious studies on this topic in November 2015, and in short, no study has presented evidence empirical enough to override the widely reported human experience that being 100% gay or 100% straight is entirely possible and in fact quite common! Sexuality, including male sexuality, is more fluid than a lot of cis-het people think it is (which is what the book is about), but sexuality is not fluid for everybody. Heterosexuals and homosexuals are real. Regardless! That’s not why I’ve brought you here today.

I’ve brought you here today because commenters on The Daily Mail lost their collective shit over this article and the comments are a real riot because you guys, listen: they’re straight. Like, VERY straight. This article and this study are total rubbish because these people are straight and would never ever do anything gay, not ever, because they’re straight. Okay? Straight. If these men saw a man with his shirt off, they would look the other way, so horrified would they be by this rugged display of implied homosexuality. Because, by the way, they’re straight. Heterosexual. Only attracted to the opposite sex. 100% straight! Straight! So straight!

VERY STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

There’s nothing I love like a good comment curation exercise. These boards have really evolved over the past two days: tropes have emerged. Wars have been waged. The same jokes have been made 7-14 times. You get the impression that (surprise!) a lot of people are straight. But I plowed forward in search of the pure beauty that is humanity: below, please experience only a small sampling of the 1,000+ comments on this post, ripped mercilessly out of context and reprinted here for your entertainment. Please note that often commenters reply as if they are speaking directly to the author of the book, because of course, he’s listening. That’s exactly what he’s doing.

1. Total nonsense, as a woman I prefer the company of men as I find other women judging, catty and boring. I am 100% straight thank you.

2. So this is what they come up with in universities!

3. FAKE SCIENCE

4. Another report churned out by academics who sit around all day not knowing whether they are boys or girls, meanwhile in the real world…..

5. He didn’t ask me. I could have told him he was wrong. It would have saved him writing a book and looking silly.

6. My wife is 100% straight. I’ve been begging her to have a threesome with me and another woman for years but she’s having none of it lol.

7. Who financed this ” research “, Stonewall?

8. Everything is not some spectrum-based moral equivalency…sorry millennials.

9. So speaking as a 100% straight man who does not find men sexually attractive whatsoever, does that mean I am not normal and am now in fact a minority? Can I get special protection as a disadvantaged group? Get priority in jobs?

10. i think that women like to look at other women but not in a sexual way but in a more London Fashion Week kind of way.

11. not on my watch

12. no im straight

13. Uh— No, #NotMe

14. I wish i could be intimate with a female but only a extremly attractive one….i once made out a girl in vegas….

15. At no point in my 30 years of life have I ever ever been aroused by another man… There are planets to discover, species to study, life-changing technologies that we should all be invested in. Not this.

16. During the years of the Soviet Union, the establishment funded research to support their own agenda. Funny that.

17. I must admit women and women porn has turned me on. But I have NEVER been turned on by another man. NEVER

18. I’m quite happy to assure other men that I have never, ever been remotely sexually attracted to another man. Never, never, never, ever ever ever……….

19. I have never once, not ever, not even for a smidgen like fraction of a moment ever been aroused by another man.

20. I DO NOT FIND OTHER MEN SEXUALLY APPETIZING AT ALL PERIOD. AT ANY STAGE. ANY DAY. ANY MILLISECOND….

21. Some of my best friends are gay….but that’s enough thanks.

22. Google “estrogen water supply canada lake and fish.” It actually explains a LOT.

23. I love my husband and the thought of sleeping with another woman is absolutely appalling for me. I have nothing against being gay by the way

24. Whoaaaa there Liberace. Speak for yourself .

25. next it’ll be WILDLIFE….

26. As a fully paid-up heterosexual male, I don’t feel any urges towards males. So that’s it then you study has serious flaws. I strongly suspect that I am not alone, which destroys the basis of your thesis. I bet that this observation will not be posted.

27. I’m sorry to disappoint, but the only male body I admire is my own.

28. I am a bloke and I’m not aroused in the slightest by other men. I am 100% straight. Live and let live though we are all free to live our lives how we want but I’m just saying your article is wrong because I only get aroused by women. End of conversation. Boom.

(ED Note: This 100% straight guy left this same exact comment three times in a row)

29. The only “spectrum” I’m on involves brunettes, blondes, and redheads.

30. What a waste of money! That money could have been used to find cure for terminal illness like cancer.

31. I tried getting it on with a woman in my teens, it didn’t do anything for me and would NOT do it again.

32. The inexorable march towards gender neutrality. Glad I am at the end of my life, we learned nothing from the decline and fall of the Roman empire.

33. Researchers actually are given a salary for this, so-called, work. In my next life I will research, sitting down all day drumming up mad theories, cups of tea, taxpayer-funded. Bliss

34. Who write this article? Someone from Gay community?

35. IT’S OK TO BE STRAIGHT

36. Quick, put the author into a ‘LOONY-BIN. ALOHA-

37. I find lesbian love scenes boring. Sorry but it does not turn me on. I am not homophobic either.

38. I am male and no other male has aroused me, not even remotely.

39. Nekkid women do NOT crank my tractor!

40. I am unquestionably the most hetro dude in the world and so I can say with 100% truth that the “researchers” are wrong, again.

41. …but I consider myself the straightest man in HISTORY so I might be the exception…

42. i have taken a few pop quizzes on this and got back 100 straight which I am.

43. I like male masculinity, men with beards, hairy men, strong muscular men, the smell of a man, a man’s body

44. I might entertain ideas about Ruby Rose or Emily Browning and have my share of attractive women offering liaisons, but never had a desire to actually go there.

45. How about 100% WRONG

46. Artificial estrogen in the water, from birth control pills.

47. No no no. No one studied me.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3260 articles for us.

103 Comments

  2. It’s so tragic that they now have to fight to the death to see who is the true Straightest Man Alive. There can only be one. I cry.

    • Sadly, that was exactly my response to reading Laura’s article about the survey’s about bi women.

    • something about #47 also makes me feel so much empathy and a slight tinge of sadness because IT’S SO REAL

  6. Re: 26, “A fully paid-up heterosexual male”? Did he spend a year buying heterosexuality on layaway and has finally been given his 100% straightness?

  7. “i think that women like to look at other women but not in a sexual way but in a more London Fashion Week kind of way.”

    Why not both? I love London Fashion Week as much as the next person.

  8. Dear #1: Perhaps that is because you, yourself are judging, catty and boring.
    Just a guess.

  9. It’s alright dears, maybe we’ll let you join our club when you’ve grown up.

    Until then you can have your temper tantrums, telling us you didn’t want to be a part of it anyways.

  10. My personal faves are #27 – #GayForMyself

    27. I’m sorry to disappoint, but the only male body I admire is my own.

    And #42 – #ImNotGayJustTakingAFewPopQuizzesToMakeSureThough

    42. i have taken a few pop quizzes on this and got back 100 straight which I am.

  11. I AGREE WITH YOU NUMBER 20. I TOO DO NOT FIND MEN SEXUALLY APPETIZING AT ALL PERIOD. AT ANY STAGE. ANY DAY. ANY MILLISECOND….

  12. I love that someone thought the funding that went into this study could have cured cancer, how much time and money does he think it took?? XD

  13. Incredible, I haven’t seen the word “nekkid” in YEARS. I wonder if this person is aware they sound like they’re 14?

  14. I imagine #18 sitting in a corner, hands over his ears, while he mutters to himself, “Never, never, never, never…”

  16. “i think that women like to look at other women but not in a sexual way but in a more London Fashion Week kind of way.”

    Oh honey

    honey

  17. “42. i have taken a few pop quizzes on this and got back 100 straight which I am.”

    My man (or woman or person), if you’re taking quizzes, you might be q u e s t i o n i n g just a smidge

    • And not just ONE quiz, a FEW! So like, first quiz comes back “100 straight” and you’re like, hmm, let me take another.

    • Yeah, I also took some quizzes at one point in my teens that told me I was not a lesbian. Four years later, I found myself back taking quizzes again to figure out if I was bisexual. (And thankfully Autostraddle was around for that second time of questioning to help me actually understand my sexual orientation.)

  18. I like how they simultaneously swear they are 100% straight and say they’re ok with other people being gay. If you’re so insecure about your sexuality that you had to comment that you absolutely are not gay then most likely you’re a homophobe.

  20. ” i think that women like to look at other women but not in a sexual way but in a more London Fashion Week kind of way.” <—- my internal closeted dialogue throughout high school

    • Oh man, yes. This was definitely 14 year old me:

      I’m just appreciating how well her jeans fit her. Just 100% heterosexually trying to choose the right adjective to describe what her perfect jean-clad ass looks like walking in front of me into art class. All straight girls do that, right?

      • Yes, this was 12 year old me. I just find the way her gym shorts are worn low enough to reveal her angular pelvic bone fascinating for some reason! It’s a totally hetero thing to do, and wow, those are SOME gym shorts!

    • Yes, this is also a painfully accurate depiction of 15 year old me, with all of those justifications for her closeted thoughts and feelings. “I just enjoy staring at these pictures of beautiful actresses so much because I admire them. I’m only looking at so many red carpet pictures of actresses in gorgeous outfits because that’s what I want to do when I’m an adult.”

      • Speedo swimsuits are what did me in as a baby gay. Oh god. By the time Cornelia Ender came along in the ’76 Olympics, I was a total goner.

  21. “100% STRAIT NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT ANOTHER MAN B4 ONLY HETEROSEXUAL” he types furiously. Then, his fragile sense of his own masculinity protected, he flips over to his next tab “woman pounded by huge cock” a 40 minute video of a close up of a man stroking his genitals while a woman comments on how big it is.

  23. “44. I might entertain ideas about Ruby Rose or Emily Browning and have my share of attractive women offering liaisons, but never had a desire to actually go there.”

    HI YOU’RE NOT STRAIGHT, YOU’RE WELCOME

      • Actually I am tempted to ask my mother whether she has heard of Ruby Rose and when she says no go and tell this commenter that she can’t be straight as I did a survey of straight women and none of them have heard of her.

  24. Okay #39 has me confused on several levels because 1.) someone said “nekkid” in a comment section in apparently a serious fashion 2.) “crank my tractor” does not sound like a euphemism that a woman would use so it sounds like this person is a redneck dude who is admitting to be really super gay and finally 3.) well, naked women cranking tractors sounds like a safety hazard and really people should be fully clothed to engage in tractor maintenance, so that’s good i guess?????

  25. i absolutely love the ones that are like I WOULD NEVER FUCK ANOTHER WOMAN except yeah i kind of would

  26. Dear #39 – Describing your arousal as a tractor being cranked makes you sound like one of those federally paid Lesbian farmers Rush Limbaugh was warning people about.

  31. Tag yourself, I’m “academics who sit around all day not knowing whether they are boys or girls”

  33. “7. Who financed this ” research “, Stonewall?” Uhhh, what do you think Stonewall is? Is there more than one Stonewall besides the NYC bar?

  34. 32. The inexorable march towards gender neutrality. Glad I am at the end of my life, we learned nothing from the decline and fall of the Roman empire.

    Because those Romans were 100% straight just like all the people who commented on this article.

  35. 5. He didn’t ask me. I could have told him he was wrong. It would have saved him writing a book and looking silly.

    No one ever needs to write a book again, just ask number 5, they know everything.

  37. Also…

    There’s always that 1 person who brings up the Romans…..but jeez what does 32 think caused the fall of the Roman Empire?!?!?!?!

    And 39 is possibly the best negation of homosexuality I’ve ever heard, I feel like it deserves an honorary Straight Person Comment Award.

  38. 18. I’m quite happy to assure other men that I have never, ever been remotely sexually attracted to another man. Never, never, never, ever ever ever……….

    I think number 18 should get this printed on a t-shirt so that other straight men don’t find him threatening.

  40. I love this comment thread so so much. I want to give the entire thing a comment award.

    And thank you all for keeping me company while submitting an intimidating job application the afternoon.

  43. ok but emily browning though

    before i even realized i was queer, i watched that one music video she was in years ago like 100 times over…it wasn’t for the music

  44. “15. At no point in my 30 years of life have I ever ever been aroused by another man… There are planets to discover, species to study, life-changing technologies that we should all be invested in. Not this.”

    I side eye this for really nerdy ridiculous reasons.

    Okay so for those of you who haven’t seen Star Trek: First Contact or just know absolutely nothing about Vulcans I’m going to tell you a little story but first I need to convey something. For Vulcans hand to hand contact is like the equivalent of sexual relations mmkay and they’re a rather reserved society.

    So this dude Zefram Cochrane pilots and designs and warp capable ship so this Vulcan survey ship happens to notice suddenly there’s some warp activity over there by Earth so they check it out and decide to land and like sorta welcome humans into the wider world.
    Our dude Zefram holds out his hand in greeting to one of the Vulcans for a handshake and not wanting to be rude the someone who has no idea of the context of hand-touching that Vulcan just shook his hand like it was no big deal.

    Like later I imagine this was explained and no polite human tried to do a handshake on purpose ever again, but there’s always some pushy asshole out there unfortunately.

    Soooo you never know #15 someone might for some interplanetary reason need to do something kinda gay and be polite about it not loudly proclaim how straight they are or yanno people with ideas and potential to make life changing tech and important discoveries being stymied by homophobia.

    I fairly recently had not strangle a person because they admitted not hiring someone who was the best candidate for a job because he was I’m not going to repeat they oh so polite way they avoided saying “a girlie limp wristed flaming queen” while basically saying it at the same time. It wasn’t because they were disgusted by a feminine AMAB person but because they knew the office culture and bosses would be and felt they were just saving that person the hurt and bother of being hired then pushed out.

    If recognizing and acknowledging every homo saipens has a bit of homo in ’em would lessen the homophobia I’m all for it.
    ♫♪ Make the world a better place don’t be a fucking assface ♫♪

    The patriarchy is sword without a handle just more blade, it’s a horrid sharp whirligig of death with blades for everyone and everything.
    It’s anti-life.

  45. I’m sitting here reading this on my lunch break while surrounded by straight female coworkers and trying like hell not to laugh as much as I want to…this is too funny.

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