~*Killing Eve spoilers, technically?*~
It’s been a long, weird year — couple of years? life? — and maybe that goes some way toward explaining why we all want our crushes to run us over with a car now. Gabriella Paiella defined the crux of this difficult-to-articulate yet ubiquitous impulse as one in which “there is no actual sexual activity involved, but… conveys a catastrophic level of desire.” It’s hard to explain how or why one might feel this way about an object of desire, but I know for a fact you gay weirdos feel it about Cate Blanchett/Rachel Weisz/Rosa Diaz or whoever your particular favorite is among imperious, yet alluring public figures or fictional characters. How many times, however, can you reiterate your desire for this person to murder you/step on your neck/spit in your mouth/hit you with a bus before it starts to, you know, lose a little of the romance? Feel free to take inspiration from the living, breathing foundational text of the Horny Gay Murder Drive, Killing Eve. Some variations on “run me with a car” that Villanelle has graciously provided for you:
1. Stab me in the eye with an ornate hairpin which is also, redundantly, full of poison
2. Murder me like a full security detail inside a protected witness’s hospital room
3. Gas me to death inside a medical kink experience facility
4. Assassinate my best friend in a nightclub
5. Make a stranger wear my clothes to have sex with her
6. Hold me under a faucet in my own bathtub
7. Grapple with me in the backseat of a Jeep
8. Back over me with a car after reactivating my obvious unresolved feelings for you
9. Castrate and kill my husband in a jealous rage
10. Demand my phone passcode at knifepoint
11. Execute a double agent in a dress you bought for me
12. Punch me in line for prison cabbage
13. Hug me before bleeding me out inside a prison cell
14. Tear my throat out with your teeth as we fight to the death
15. Threaten your ex in the apartment you killed her husband in
16. Lock my wife in a cupboard
17. Kidnap my daughter and use her as a sarcastic, annoying hostage
18. Hold me at gunpoint while I monologue about how devoted I am to you
19. Shoot at me while I run from you outside my scenic boathouse
20. Dramatically threaten to skin my family alive
21. Get in a standoff with me in a chic café while I beg you to run away with me
22. Tell me you masturbate about me after I break into your apartment and ransack your things
23. Snap my neck inside a French hospital while wearing my pajamas
24. Stab me with a knitting needle in a creepy surburban doll
house of horrors
25. Manipulate a boring doe-eyed coworker into sleeping with my husband to break up my marriage
26. Publicly humiliate me in a creepy pig-masked Lolita costume
27. Slice my lip open with a tiny, sexy knife you hid inside a tub of lipstick
28. Mail me some of your favorite murder-themed fine art so I know you’re thinking of me
29. Choke out a teenager in an Amsterdam club bathroom for me
30. Await my presence with loving anticipation in a dramatic floor length gown at a murder scene you created to impress me
rachel
Great, now I have.
Several new fetishes. My phone got too excited.
ilu
“Prison cabbage” sounds like a euphemism/ the name of my new punk band
Oi! The poison isn’t redundant, it’s to prevent accidental lobotomy, Villanelle wouldn’t do that to you/anyone!
Probably.
Better safe than sorry. People are paying good money for these assassinations, you know?
This article is my everything. Also I have not recovered from the lipstick and I probably never will.
I knowwwww Sandra oh’s acting when Eve figures out what’s in the lipstick🔥
Damn yes. And I’m still not sure if I want to be the one cut by the tiny sexy knife in the lipstick or be the one to put the tiny sexy knife in the lipstick. So, a lot like the process of realizing I was gay!
I FEEL SO SEEN
This is the content I’m here for, and it did not disappoint!
I have a couple of (straight) coworkers who watched the first season of this show and weren’t really into it and I was like HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS ITS AMAZING. This is how they don’t love it.
This show is for queers who want to be murdered by their crushes.
tag yourself i’m “Punch me in line for prison cabbage” with a dash of tiny, sexy, lipstick knife
ahhhhh, i want to read this again but with the Killing Eve soundtrack!
AMAZING
the difficult-to-articulate yet ubiquitous impulse = my new gender identity.
they will never get it on, right? i highly recommend ‘fleabag’, phoebe waller-bridge’s other series in which she stars.
It’s great, I just finished series 2.
EVERYONE TAG YOURSELVES.
Hold me under a faucet in my own bathtub. Definitely.