Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, a new A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you the incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written on paper with actual pens. Except today, Sarah is sharing excerpts she typed in her LiveJournal during her senior year of high school and freshman year of college. She was falling hard for her best friend, who was irreversibly straight but still totally fucking with her head.

1.

December 22, 2004

well, first let me introduce myself. i’m seventeen, and bisexual. yeah, that’s pretty much me.

2.

January 2, 2005

i was falling off the bed because everytime our legs touched i got really nervous, so i was like “i hate to be rude but i’m like falling of the bed” and she goes “well look at how much space there is between us. you can come closer, you know?” AHHH.

3.

February 1, 2005

i didn’t even do my english paper like i planned tonight, and i’m like so unprepared. i feel spastic and drunk with love.

4.

February 2, 2005

she positioned herself beside me and started playing with my hair. not just patting it, but running her fingers through it, and lovingly touching it. AAHHAHFFUCK. do you know what a dumbass i am? i was sooo nervous when she did that, at first i smiled up at her, but as she kept doing it i was getting effing horny. and so i looked over at glennis and was like “glennis, are you going to drink your water?” and everyone was looking at me, and i was like “i like it when you drink your water! it’s entertaining.”

during english i had to give my presentation and doing it in front of sammi made me so nervous, but i did really well. i talked about emotion recollected in tranquility, and i made sure to emphasize on the words ‘pleasurable’ and ‘erotic’ when i looked into her eyes. hahaha, i’m so bad. i can’t help it.

whoa, i just saw catherine zeta-jones out of the corner of my eye on my screen and thought it was me for a second. HOLY CRAP I’M CATHERINE. she’s also eating me out under the desk. she’s like “MMMM SARAH! GODDAMN, I LOVE TO LICK YOUR PUSSY!” wait, if i’m catherine and she’s me, then i’m eating myself out. weird. okay, no she’s catherine zeta and i’m me. that’s better. hahahha so anyway, while catherine finishes eating me out i’ll tell the rest of my story slash day.

5.

February 8, 2005

she was singing today and i couldn’t help but notice how pretty her mouth was when she sang. oh i’m so weird!

6.

February 13, 2005

i was mainly jealous of him just because i could tell he wanted sammi. we went to cheddars for dinner and while we were waiting outside adam put his coat around sammi’s shoulders. aww … barf. lol. get away from my woman, bastardface.

7.

February 14, 2005

i enjoy the chase and the fight, but when i get what i want suddenly it’s not such a great thing anymore. maybe i’m just doomed to be a people eater.

8.

February 16, 2005

she was under the covers and she has this habit of playing with her belt buckle except it looks like she’s totally masturbating when you see the covers because her hand is like right there. and i noticed it and started cracking up, and she looked down at what i was looking at, and started to laugh too. but she kept doing it — of course. and i said “wow, that doesn’t look suspicious.” and she just kept on, staring me straight in the eye.

before i left we made each other friendship bracelets. aww, she has this little kit and it’s all personalized with her name and everything. it says “SAMANTHA” on the cover. gah, it was so cute for some reason.

9.

February 27, 2005

after the concert we were walking down the stairs and i stumbled a bit, so she held out her hand and i took it. we walked down two flights of stairs like that, and when i reached a railing i let go of her hand and said “thanks, but i don’t need it now.” AHHHHHHH I’M SUCH A FUCK. FUCK FUCK I AM A BIG FUCK. god fucking damn it.

10.

March 2, 2005

in enviro we were talking about how falcon babies eat each other when they are out in the wild, and i turned to sammi and went, “would we eat each other if we were out alone, together, in the wild?” and she got a gleam in her eye and we both started laughing. hopefully she got it. she also was eating an ice-cream sandwich, and i happened to glance over to see her licking the length of it, you know… where the icecream gushes out? OH MY FUCKING GOD.

oh there is this really hot girl doing costumes for the play and she’s a lesbian, i can tell… and i want to jump her. but i think lesbians think i am initially straight. maybe i’ve just gotten so good at pretending… i don’t know. i want to have a lesbian vibe! maybe i should just cut off all my hair and start wearing man clothes! haha. ok, probably not. maybe a rainbow or two. but that’s so cliche. maybe an “I AM A LESBIAN” teeshirt?

11.

March 7, 2005

ugh. i’ll just be happy when this whole thing is over and i can start thinking rationally again. i feel like i’m on sammi drugs. BLAH. there is NO REASON to be glorifying a person this much. we were talking about this in english today. it’s like the attraction and unrequited lust is more beautiful than the actual relationship itself, and it all parallels unobtainable art. sammi is my unobtainable art, and if she gets to close i get bored, but if she drifts too far i am drowning in her.

12.

April 4, 2005

i hope i can laugh, chuckle, or smirk when i think about sammi and i’s past. i can’t wait for the day when we meet for coffee midway into my freshman year and i am head over heels in love with my steady girlfriend whom i’ve been seeing for a couple months, and remember back to this moment when i longed for a straight girl’s attention. I REALLY HOPE I CAN DO THAT

13.

April 26, 2005

so saturday night i had it all out with sammi. i basically told her everything that i’ve been telling all of you. maybe not “i want to lick your pussy until you’re multi-orgasming” but i was as candid as possible.

after this whole talk i said “but if you ever want to experiment, i’m here.” i don’t really know WHY i said it, but i did. looking back on it i do feel sort of pathetic. her basic response was an amused “okay.” and me kind of laughing it off.

14.

May 16, 2005

i think the highlight of [prom] for me was pulling out a chair and offering a lap dance to anyone. sammi immediately got in the chair, and i gave her a cutesy, borderline-sexy dance. i worked that girl OUT. the stupid thing about it was that i danced to that stupid ass shania twain song about the party… hahahha. that made it even cooler.

15.

May 30, 2005

i’m supposed to be applying for college scholarships right now, but i’m too busy writing a novel about the day we spent together. when she’s already gone and forgotten about me. or i don’t know, i’m just being angsty and dumb. but there has to be a point where i just stop. i feel so obsessive. it’s so hard. i need to like… look up how to fall out of love. i’m sure there’s some kind of tutorial.

16.

May 31, 2005

i just had five orgasms.
yay.

17.

June 9, 2005

she said something like “all i’ve been thinking about is you for two days straight.” and i said “i’m sorry if this sounds condescending, but your two days are nothing… NOTHING compared to the time that i have longed and wanted you. i went to sleep wanting to wake up to see you the next morning. i dressed for you. i lived for you. you have no idea the inner turmoil i’ve gone through.”

Sarah’s Journal Icons

18.

June 11, 2005

[on eating pussy] it is kind of like eating a peach… it’s so awesome. i did it again last night and i thoroughly enjoyed it. i found myself thinking “I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN!” while doing it.

19.

June 28, 2005

i am tired of being a chivalrist. it’s BORING and ANNOYING. i want to be like shane from the l word and just fuck to my hearts content. but yea even shane gets fucked over. plus i don’t look like a total hot dyke like shane… she has chicks like flocking her cute ass. but yea i’ll pretend like i’m shane. :walks around being shane but failing miserably:… um yea i changed my mind, i will just be me for awhile. sarah w/ no action

20.

September 11, 2005

Maybe we could just stop being girlfriends/friends/whatever the FUCK we are and just go our seperate ways. I could go on and be cool and she could go on and fuck like zillions of guys cause that is her secret ambition anyway.

21.

September 9, 2005

deweysammi: I think I was also kinda jealous because you had gone all the way with them, and I felt like I wanted to be the first
LIKE OMGZ YEAAAA: But I wanted you. Even when I could have something stable and secure, all I could think about was you. If it’s any consolation you were the only girl I was with that mattered.
LIKE OMGZ YEAAAA: We have something so good.
deweysammi: I know
LIKE OMGZ YEAAAA: So pure.
deweysammi: I’m crying
LIKE OMGZ YEAAAA: Yeah, me too. We’re nerds.

22.

May 27, 2006

Although, I still wonder—if I looked good enough, if I was attractive enough… if she caught a whiff of my shampoo, perfume, saw my eyes, saw the forgotten gifts she left the last time we saw each other, felt the past… I thought if she could see all of this, feel all this, let her senses be immersed in me, she would want me more than him.

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