Adding a “comes out, lesbian” keyword column to my Tweetdeck was an incredibly educational experience. If you’re unfamiliar, Tweetdeck is an application that enables you to view multiple twitter timelines in one interface — it’s how I track mentions of autostraddle, keep up with the news, and follow the people that I follow. You can add a column for a specific search term, so every time somebody tweets using those words, it’ll pop up. See:
Obviously, I created the “Search: ‘comes out, lesbian” column in order to stay up-to-date on any celebrity coming out as a lesbian. I have indeed received some tips in that department. But mostly, I get other stuff. Namely:
1. A wide body of pornographic work, mostly involving MILFs.
2. An apparently otherwise-heterosexual woman declaring that her “inner lesbian” comes out when she consumes alcohol or views an attractive woman in real life or in pop culture. I’d like to commission a study on these “inner lesbians” but who has the time.
3. Fandom debates.
4. Excitement about the release of Kabi Nagata’s My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness.
5. Speculation about whether or not various members of the kardashian/Jenner family will come out. E.g., “i high key think kendall jenner is lesbian and im waiting for the day when she comes out and i can watch her flourish”
Then there are other delightful gems — jokes, observations, accounts of inner turmoil — that just turn up. I didn’t ask for them. I wasn’t looking for them. But now I have them.
I’m pasting the text of each tweet content rather than embedding the tweet because these people did not agree to be in my life or yours.
21 Tweets From My “Lesbian Comes Out” Column On Tweetdeck That Are Not About a Lesbian Coming Out But Are Still Very Important Ideas To Consider
1. web designers how do I make it so that if straight men try to read my lesbian comic a hand comes out of their screens and clocks them
2. when’s florence + the machine going to drop a new album i have a lesbian out of body experience every time one of her songs comes on shuffle
3. Sits down to watch shameless with my mom, *lesbian sex scene comes on* stands right back up and walks out
4. Oh please! I will never ever have respect for Bruno Mars until he comes out & tells us he is a butch lesbian from the 70’s
5. (@-reply to another twitter user)
you didn’t see the lesbian sex scene? did you even get to the part where flappy bird comes out? god, you are pathetic
6. (@-reply to Nancy Pelosi)
Nancy do u really believe the bullshit that comes out of ur mouth. R you & Hilary having a lesbian affair because u r still on her tit
7. If you say lesbian three times in the mirror, Ellen comes out and starts dancing.
8. Can someone write a story about a young lesbian who comes out but never gets the girl? Because that’s my life story.
9. who wants to be my fake boyfriend when my family comes out for my graduation so they stop telling everybody i’m a lesbian
10. “how do you know you’re a lesbian if you’ve never been with a man” HOW ABOUT I SHOVE MY CONTROLLER SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT COMES OUT YOUR MOUTH
11. If it comes out that Maggie Thatcher was a lesbian I DON’T claim her
12. The truth comes out; it was lesbian nuns.
13. Would not be surprised if the Clintons divorced quietly and hill comes out as a lesbian no need to hide it now.
14. “You’re going to be that lesbian that comes out when you’re 35 after getting a divorce with a man you had two kids with” bitch I might be
15. My little sister is a lesbian. I’m tweeting this now so I can come back to and RT it when she comes out in four years
16. Just when I thought porn had run out of new subgenres, here comes lesbian tennis…
17. Mum always comes out with these cool facts about her past… She just told me when she was 18 she had a dj set at a lesbian disco.. niceee
18. I think my new neighbor is a lesbian. She comes out EVERY time she hears my car lock sound… at least she says hey instead of just staring
19. That moment “Push It” comes on in Target & you start grindin on the BF just to find out it’s a 40yr old lesbian.
So, I think I have a GF now.
20. Rosie once was funny and once was nice. Anytime a lesbian comes out they turn mean. They are men haters. imho
21. Will there be any leaks on HRCs sexual life revealed? I’m betting on lesbian when Wiki comes out!
So if saying “lesbian” three times in a mirror summons Ellen, and saying “Ellen” lets you escape from a lesbian relationship, what would happen if you said “Ellen” three times in a mirror?
Hopefully something super gay involving the Ellens.
We all explode into rainbow unicorns and get to leave The Darkest Timeline?
If only
Let’s all try it… you know, for science.
“(@-reply to Nancy Pelosi)”
#ImStillWithHerTit
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:https://bottomforhillary.com/
unfortunately the page isn’t working but for one brief shining moment this was an actual thing that you could buy and wear on your body.
Wait is Hillary mommi did we settle this yet
Wasn’t there like a Mommi Justice Bear category of mommi-ish politicians? I feel like Hillary might be queen there
MOMMI JUSTICE BEAR omg
I don’t have Photoshop on this PC so I had to make this in Word – forgive me. But:
bbcode link image
this is a truly inspired piece of art and everything I needed in my life
OMG this bear!
i wanted to ask this but i was afraid. i also have many #questions about the validity of “i’d bottom for hillary” but i am afraid to ask
Number 2 type of tweeter sounds like a pretty bi woman w no imagination (seriously, she’s straight unless she sees a hot woman… I bet she’s gay unless she sees a hot man and ace unless she sees someone hot too…)
Tweet 7 made me lol irl.
Please tell me I’m not the only non-homophobe/non-right winger who’s had those thoughts about HRC. At least, I don’t ship her & bill. I’m pretty sure she has someone else & I’d not be surprised if that someone was female. She doesn’t seem the type to either put up w an affair or have an open relationship where he got some and she didn’t.
Um it’s ok to ‘ship’ real ppl here right?
i also do not ship hrc & bill but i am very here for HRC & huma
Same.
NGL, I read some great Hillary/Liz Warren fic after the election, and I’m not usually into RPF.
I really want to know what was, in fact, lesbian nuns now.
Does anyone remember when Michelle Bachmann said she was kidnapped by lesbian nuns?
I do. I wrote half a song about it!
?!!!!!
@queer girl: well now you have to share this song with the class!
It’s true, I’m a teacher and this is the rule.
Well I was sittin’ on my suitcase,
Mindin’ my own business,
Hitchin’ by the side of the road…
When along came an old car,
Busted as my old guitar,
Screamin’ over every pothole…
The car was a Rabbit,
The driver wore a habit,
But she
stopped
When I stuck out my thumb
And she said
“Lord have mercy,
I picked up a sweet thing.
Hey babe – you want some rum?”
Well I was kidnapped by a lesbian nu-un,
Summer of nineteen seventy-one
Right when I done crawled into her ca-ar,
I knew that she would take me just a little too far
(I knew that she would take me just a little too far.)
!!!!
This needs to be sung around the campfire at A-Camp.
This is majestic
Self comment award yourself!
Is it allowed for a Nun to be a lesbian?
Wasn’t that the #1 reason to be a nun before other career choices opened up for lesbian ladies?
I mean both yes, totally, like how gay men became priests, but theologically what you’re actually meant to do is make a public spectacle of your inability to marry or join the clergy because your unholy gayness makes you unfit for religious vows. Because that’s a healthy way to run a society and not going turn monasteries into the closet.
I believe it was The Keepers
Is the “lesbian tennis” porn subgenre just low-quality compilations of every Dana Fairbanks sex scene?
Perhaps this is why Margaret Court is so upset with gay people
16 missed the tennis article from last week…
“imho”
just a lil tiny humble opinion
that was the best part of the whole piece. stay humble, dude.
I really thought #17 was going to end with “she just told me she was a lesbian in 1974”
OK but Laneia I need to know which account tweeted 12. For science. And also so I can message them my lesbian nun article.
by “laneia” do you mean “riese”
Oops.
BITCH, I MIGHT BE.
#18, does the neighbor COME OUT come out? Or just, like, come outside? I’m having a little trouble following here, mystery tweeter.
It’s Pavlov’s lesbian. She hears the car alarm and says “I have something to tell you, I’m gay”
Maybe she’s an actor doing that “Dad I’m gay I’m gay dad” warm up every morning at the same time and the tweeter isn’t a lover of the arts.
I have now been giggling at this visual for the last five minutes. Comment award pls, @queergirl
But, really, is there any other kind of tennis besides lesbian tennis?
But where is the lesbian sex scene where flappy bird comes out?
This is what I need to know
I was #14. No shame.
ur my hero
17.Carmen?
i love all of these!!!!!!!
i am curious about your rationale re: text vs embed, though. i feel like if someone’s twitter is public, then…it’s public? like, it’s published work, in a way. idk i just feel like these are often pretty funny and i know i’m proud of myself when i do a funny tweet and would want people to know it was me, because isn’t that why we all use twitter in the first place? to get attention?
I’m halfway expecting at least one of them to show up in comments all, “oh, that was totes me.”
i’m with you, rachel! if these are public tweets, which i presume they are bc they showed up on your tweedeck thing, then i think you shouldve embedded the tweet with the username?
i would trust autostraddle commenters/readers to engage in an appropriate way with the tweets (more likes!) and not start any trouble. plus its their work and now we’re all laughing and engaging at work that they created and they’re getting 0 credit?
Is there some way to apply the premise of #1 to my general life, so that they get clocked every time they keep trying to hit on me after I say I’m not interested?!
Thank you for this article Riese, if nothing else, I had no idea someone translated My Lesbian Experience with Lonliness. I’m picking it up ASAP and I highly recommend it. It’s a really great, honest book about social anxiety, depression, and struggling to come out to yourself.
“Can someone write a story about a young lesbian who comes out but never gets the girl? Because that’s my life story.”
Haha I remember being 19, it was the worst.
“who wants to be my fake boyfriend when my family comes out for my graduation so they stop telling everybody i’m a lesbian”
MUST HAVE BACKSTORY.
Number 8 is the story of my life unfortunately :(
I want a DJ set at a lesbian disco.
Wait, Bruno Mars ISN’T a butch lesbian from the 1970’s?
I mean, do we have proof that he ISN’T?
wait who is doing lesbian sex in shameless? someone plz tell me or otherwise i’ll have to catch up on the last like 3 seasons of the show i haven’t seen just to find out.
Last time I watched Vi and Kevin were in a sort of polyamorous relationship with Svetlana :)
Wowww ok maybe I will pop back in to check in on it.
glad to see we’re all on the same page re: hilz.
I can’t wait to transform into a mean hater when I come out, like some kind of shitty, spiteful butterfly.
I really love the idea that the sister in number 15 is reading this article and giggling, conpletely unaware that in four years when they come out their siblings is gonna retweet it and they will realise that they were the sister all along.
Could it be you?
meet back here in four years
Number 8 describes me to a T. I would like to add that I have thought about buying a female escort but I’m not sure if that’s a thing. It feels like a slippery slope as well
Many female escorts take female clients and some offer discounts.
#14 Present
#15 My sister is such an asshole.
#20 is incorrect, I was already mean and a man hater before I came out