21 Valuable Unsolicited Insights From The “Lesbian, Comes Out” Column on Tweetdeck

Adding a “comes out, lesbian” keyword column to my Tweetdeck was an incredibly educational experience. If you’re unfamiliar, Tweetdeck is an application that enables you to view multiple twitter timelines in one interface — it’s how I track mentions of autostraddle, keep up with the news, and follow the people that I follow. You can add a column for a specific search term, so every time somebody tweets using those words, it’ll pop up. See:

Obviously, I created the “Search: ‘comes out, lesbian” column in order to stay up-to-date on any celebrity coming out as a lesbian. I have indeed received some tips in that department. But mostly, I get other stuff. Namely:

1. A wide body of pornographic work, mostly involving MILFs.

2. An apparently otherwise-heterosexual woman declaring that her “inner lesbian” comes out when she consumes alcohol or views an attractive woman in real life or in pop culture. I’d like to commission a study on these “inner lesbians” but who has the time.

3. Fandom debates.

4. Excitement about the release of Kabi Nagata’s My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness.

5. Speculation about whether or not various members of the kardashian/Jenner family will come out. E.g., “i high key think kendall jenner is lesbian and im waiting for the day when she comes out and i can watch her flourish”

Then there are other delightful gems — jokes, observations, accounts of inner turmoil — that just turn up. I didn’t ask for them. I wasn’t looking for them. But now I have them.

I’m pasting the text of each tweet content rather than embedding the tweet because these people did not agree to be in my life or yours.

21 Tweets From My “Lesbian Comes Out” Column On Tweetdeck That Are Not About a Lesbian Coming Out But Are Still Very Important Ideas To Consider

1. web designers how do I make it so that if straight men try to read my lesbian comic a hand comes out of their screens and clocks them

2. when’s florence + the machine going to drop a new album i have a lesbian out of body experience every time one of her songs comes on shuffle

3. Sits down to watch shameless with my mom, *lesbian sex scene comes on* stands right back up and walks out

4. Oh please! I will never ever have respect for Bruno Mars until he comes out & tells us he is a butch lesbian from the 70’s

5. (@-reply to another twitter user)
you didn’t see the lesbian sex scene? did you even get to the part where flappy bird comes out? god, you are pathetic

6. (@-reply to Nancy Pelosi)
Nancy do u really believe the bullshit that comes out of ur mouth. R you & Hilary having a lesbian affair because u r still on her tit

7. If you say lesbian three times in the mirror, Ellen comes out and starts dancing.

8. Can someone write a story about a young lesbian who comes out but never gets the girl? Because that’s my life story.

9. who wants to be my fake boyfriend when my family comes out for my graduation so they stop telling everybody i’m a lesbian

10. “how do you know you’re a lesbian if you’ve never been with a man” HOW ABOUT I SHOVE MY CONTROLLER SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT COMES OUT YOUR MOUTH

11. If it comes out that Maggie Thatcher was a lesbian I DON’T claim her

12. The truth comes out; it was lesbian nuns.

13. Would not be surprised if the Clintons divorced quietly and hill comes out as a lesbian no need to hide it now.

14. “You’re going to be that lesbian that comes out when you’re 35 after getting a divorce with a man you had two kids with” bitch I might be

15. My little sister is a lesbian. I’m tweeting this now so I can come back to and RT it when she comes out in four years

16. Just when I thought porn had run out of new subgenres, here comes lesbian tennis…

17. Mum always comes out with these cool facts about her past… She just told me when she was 18 she had a dj set at a lesbian disco.. niceee

18. I think my new neighbor is a lesbian. She comes out EVERY time she hears my car lock sound… at least she says hey instead of just staring

19. That moment “Push It” comes on in Target & you start grindin on the BF just to find out it’s a 40yr old lesbian.
So, I think I have a GF now.

20. Rosie once was funny and once was nice. Anytime a lesbian comes out they turn mean. They are men haters. imho

21. Will there be any leaks on HRCs sexual life revealed? I’m betting on lesbian when Wiki comes out!

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3279 articles for us.

73 Comments

  1. So if saying “lesbian” three times in a mirror summons Ellen, and saying “Ellen” lets you escape from a lesbian relationship, what would happen if you said “Ellen” three times in a mirror?

  3. Number 2 type of tweeter sounds like a pretty bi woman w no imagination (seriously, she’s straight unless she sees a hot woman… I bet she’s gay unless she sees a hot man and ace unless she sees someone hot too…)

    Tweet 7 made me lol irl.

    Please tell me I’m not the only non-homophobe/non-right winger who’s had those thoughts about HRC. At least, I don’t ship her & bill. I’m pretty sure she has someone else & I’d not be surprised if that someone was female. She doesn’t seem the type to either put up w an affair or have an open relationship where he got some and she didn’t.

    Um it’s ok to ‘ship’ real ppl here right?

    • Does anyone remember when Michelle Bachmann said she was kidnapped by lesbian nuns?

      I do. I wrote half a song about it!

        • Well I was sittin’ on my suitcase,
          Mindin’ my own business,
          Hitchin’ by the side of the road…

          When along came an old car,
          Busted as my old guitar,
          Screamin’ over every pothole…

          The car was a Rabbit,
          The driver wore a habit,
          But she
          stopped
          When I stuck out my thumb

          And she said
          “Lord have mercy,
          I picked up a sweet thing.
          Hey babe – you want some rum?”

          Well I was kidnapped by a lesbian nu-un,
          Summer of nineteen seventy-one
          Right when I done crawled into her ca-ar,
          I knew that she would take me just a little too far
          (I knew that she would take me just a little too far.)

      • Wasn’t that the #1 reason to be a nun before other career choices opened up for lesbian ladies?

        • I mean both yes, totally, like how gay men became priests, but theologically what you’re actually meant to do is make a public spectacle of your inability to marry or join the clergy because your unholy gayness makes you unfit for religious vows. Because that’s a healthy way to run a society and not going turn monasteries into the closet.

  5. Is the “lesbian tennis” porn subgenre just low-quality compilations of every Dana Fairbanks sex scene?

  8. I really thought #17 was going to end with “she just told me she was a lesbian in 1974”

  9. OK but Laneia I need to know which account tweeted 12. For science. And also so I can message them my lesbian nun article.

  11. #18, does the neighbor COME OUT come out? Or just, like, come outside? I’m having a little trouble following here, mystery tweeter.

    • It’s Pavlov’s lesbian. She hears the car alarm and says “I have something to tell you, I’m gay”

      • Maybe she’s an actor doing that “Dad I’m gay I’m gay dad” warm up every morning at the same time and the tweeter isn’t a lover of the arts.

  16. i love all of these!!!!!!!

    i am curious about your rationale re: text vs embed, though. i feel like if someone’s twitter is public, then…it’s public? like, it’s published work, in a way. idk i just feel like these are often pretty funny and i know i’m proud of myself when i do a funny tweet and would want people to know it was me, because isn’t that why we all use twitter in the first place? to get attention?

    • I’m halfway expecting at least one of them to show up in comments all, “oh, that was totes me.”

    • i’m with you, rachel! if these are public tweets, which i presume they are bc they showed up on your tweedeck thing, then i think you shouldve embedded the tweet with the username?

      i would trust autostraddle commenters/readers to engage in an appropriate way with the tweets (more likes!) and not start any trouble. plus its their work and now we’re all laughing and engaging at work that they created and they’re getting 0 credit?

  17. Is there some way to apply the premise of #1 to my general life, so that they get clocked every time they keep trying to hit on me after I say I’m not interested?!

  18. Thank you for this article Riese, if nothing else, I had no idea someone translated My Lesbian Experience with Lonliness. I’m picking it up ASAP and I highly recommend it. It’s a really great, honest book about social anxiety, depression, and struggling to come out to yourself.

  19. “Can someone write a story about a young lesbian who comes out but never gets the girl? Because that’s my life story.”

    Haha I remember being 19, it was the worst.

    “who wants to be my fake boyfriend when my family comes out for my graduation so they stop telling everybody i’m a lesbian”

    MUST HAVE BACKSTORY.

  23. wait who is doing lesbian sex in shameless? someone plz tell me or otherwise i’ll have to catch up on the last like 3 seasons of the show i haven’t seen just to find out.

  25. I can’t wait to transform into a mean hater when I come out, like some kind of shitty, spiteful butterfly.

  26. I really love the idea that the sister in number 15 is reading this article and giggling, conpletely unaware that in four years when they come out their siblings is gonna retweet it and they will realise that they were the sister all along.

    Could it be you?

  27. Number 8 describes me to a T. I would like to add that I have thought about buying a female escort but I’m not sure if that’s a thing. It feels like a slippery slope as well

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