16 Food-Related Euphemisms For “Female Masturbation”

May is National Masturbation Month! In celebration, here are sixteen ways to talk about doing you for when you want to pretend you’re not talking about doing you and would rather just talk about food.

  1. cooking cucumbers
  2. fondling the fig
  3. polishing your peanut
  4. spearing the bearded clam
  5. stirring the honey pot
  6. getting a bit of Southern Comfort
  7. rolling the dough
  8. shucking the oyster
  9. basting the tuna
  10. clouting your cookie
  11. buttering your muffin
  12. making soup
  13. teasing the tuna taco
  14. softening the peach
  15. tossing the pink salad
  16. slicing pie

Found in Outbursts!: A Gay and Lesbian Erotic Thesaurus, by A.D. Peterkin, and on Reddit.

Feature image via Shutterstock.

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Ryan Yates

Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.

21 Comments

  2. Flicking the bean?

    Maybe I’m like totally oblivious when it comes to euphemisms for these things but I never seem to have heard of many of the ones on the AS lists!

  6. I really don’t get it…none of these strike me as euphemisms for nenstration. My first thought was: this is stupid! : )

    • do you mean menstruation or masturbation?
      Cause these are about masturbation, for instance, in “flicking the bean”, “the bean” really means the clit.

  8. there’s this pink salad comprised of assorted fruit/cool whip/pecans/other shit I’ve forgotten that my family makes at *every* holiday and I just can’t with #15

    • Ha, my family totally makes this and dubbed it “pink stuff”. I think it’s gross but now I think I’ll give it a go.

  10. Basting the tuna/teasing the tuna taco just makes me feel like taking a shower. Jerri Blank could probs pull it off, doe.

  15. Can we take it easy on the list posts, Autostraddle? Its like Buzzfeed lately…

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