Last week at Treehorn Books in Santa Rosa, I came across yet another volume from my favorite genre, “faux sociological studies of human sexuality that say crazy-ass shit about lesbians.” Female Homosexuality: A Psychodynamic Study of Lesbianism was written by Dr. Frank S. Caprio, the esteemed co-author of Sexual Deviations, another undoubtedly delightful edition chock-full of facts and measures. Unlike the faux-doctors who authored most of the books in this genre under false pseudonyms, however, Frank Caprio appears to be a real doctor. His later work focused mainly on self-hypnosis.
Many risk factors that could drive a person towards queerdom are discussed in this groundbreaking work of non-fiction, but perhaps the information on locations conducive to homosexuality will be of the most use to you right now as you plan summer vacations and the rest of your life.
Thus, I have extracted sentences from this book and reprinted them for you here. You’re welcome.
14 Places That Will Make You A Lesbian According To 1954’s “Female Homosexuality”
1. Islands, In General
“The fact that both male and female homosexuals congregate on one island no doubt gives them a sense of what might be called herd-security, much like sheep gathering together under a tree during a storm.”
2. Fire Island, Specifically
“One lesbian who I interviewed confessed that she could not return to Fire Island even for a one-day visit because she feared it would bring back too many associations and frustrating memories.”
3. The Isle of Capri, Specifically
“A cafe owner in Capri observed that mannish lesbians are seen with women partners who are exceedingly beautiful and very feminine both in appearance and mannerism — that whenever a man makes an attempt to alienate the affections of the feminine one from the masculine partner, a violent scene occurs. The mannish lesbian guards her “little one” like a hen protects her baby chicks.”
4. Hollywood, In General
“Many persons with artistic temperaments live unconventionally and are indifferent to social taboos and moral restrictions.”
5. Lesbian Bars in Hollywood, Specifically
“The atmosphere: girls dressed in masculine attire, smoking, drinking, melancholy music and conversation consisting of slang expressions common to inverts… the girls addressed each other by their masculine nicknames — ‘Nickie,’ ‘Jimmy,’ “Pete,” etc.”
6. Prisons
“There are a great many women who are more homosexually inclined than most people would imagine, or even then they have ever imagined themselves.”
7. Brothels
“In one brothel, the lesbian inserted a stemless cherry, which she took out of a small jar, into the vagina of her partner, and then proceeded to extract it with movements of her tongue during the act of cunnilingus.”
8. Ladies’ Restrooms
“Many seductions take place in ladies’ restrooms, particularly if the lesbian is of the overt mannish type.”
9. The “Theater or Night Club World”
“Many in this field regard themselves as being different from ordinary people and entitled to a way of life according to their own code of ethics… Another factor conducive to this development is the existence of a strong, narcissistic element among people in the limelight.”
10. Japan, In General
“…the defeat in the last war brought about a complete destruction of many phases of the feudalistic system including many sexual taboos.”
11. All-Girl Drag Revues in Japan, Specifically
“It is almost unimaginable how crazy these teenage girls fans are about the girl performers who play the role of men on the stage. These girls have often been a social problem. They usually indulge in hair fetishism, garment fetishism, underwear fetishism or shoes fetishism. Sometimes fans may drag the idol girls from the approach to the stage to the floor and shower them with kisses. There have been cases where scores or hundreds of girls stormed the dressing rooms of the revue girls after the show and tried to touch the girls’ flesh.”
12. Greenwich Village
“One proprietor has an arrangement whereby he pays a group of girls to come into his place at a late hour for the purpose of attracting the attention of customers with their mannish attire, short haircuts and masculine mannerisms, conveying the impression that it is a hangout for lesbians…. these pseudo-lesbians acquire a certain amount of skill in the act of deceiving the visiting spectators. They dance with each other, pretending that they are lovers, some acting masculine and aggressive while others assume the role of feminine passive type…. the customers sit at the tables, order more drinks and seem to enjoy the atmosphere of subdued lights, heavy smoke and girls dancing together, little realizing that to many of these girls it is simple a way of earning some extra money… there are places where authentic lesbians meet. There is less frivolity, the atmosphere is a more serious one and the lesbians and their ‘dates’ when dancing together are preoccupied and engrossed with each other.”
13. All-Girls Schools
Quote from a “real lesbian” interviewed for this book:
“I did not have too difficult a time in finding converts. An all-girls’ school has plenty of girls who are emotionally frustrated and as eager for affectionate companionship as I was. I made out a smooth case for Lesbianism… about one girl in five was fascinated enough to become my friend.”
14. Strip Clubs
“Strip girls see each other naked every day. This, coupled with their exhibitionist tendency, often gives them a chance to indulge in homosexual practices. Homosexuality amongst these girls usually takes the form of mutual onanism, but some are using the artificial phallus.”
15. A-Camp.
Thank you, Riese. These are all awesome honeymoon destinations. I am packing my bag as we speak and buying tickets to Japan so that I and my partner can revel in all it’s glorious lesbian loving.
And oh, islands make one gay? That explains why I’m gay.
Bathrooms? Really? I thought bathrooms were some kind of hallowed ground thing.
Like in Highlander or something.
Number #7 though. Yows. :)
I love that the vast majority of these are just “places with all/mostly women” or literally “lesbian-themed venues.” THOSE ARE SOME HARD-HITTING CAUSAL CONNECTIONS, SIR. You were perhaps a great detective in another life!
“I made out a smooth case for Lesbianism… about one girl in five was fascinated enough to become my friend.” Damn, I wish my comprehensive co-ed school had worked more like whatever school that person went to!
Also, does #1 apply to Britain? It’s an island and there are a lot of sheep.
I really like that she knew it was one in five. Like she was keeping a tally or something. “Looks like we’re at about 20% this month…”
As a girls’ school veteran I can say that no-one in my year came out while they were in school. I wonder how she managed that one.
Me to missus: “When we eventually get a time machine we have to go back to the 50s to a Japanese all girl drag revue…they sound awesome”
Missus: “…”
You don’t need no time machine for that. Takarazuka Revues still exist and are still as fabulous as evar.
Yes!!!
*labels money jar with “Japan fund” and begins saving up for the trip*
I’m cackling because I had some serious foreplay going on with m’lady at a lesbian bar called “Hollywood” last week. The bar was meh but the after was a hella good time.
I’ll take that cherry maneuver as advice…
All I could think about was resulting infections from all the sugar.
“8. Ladies Restrooms”
Well, that explains about half of the scenes in The L Word.
Number 7 takes the phrase “cherry chapstick” to another level.
Oh that brothel lesbian, where art thou?
Yusss I’m pleased to have another reason to visit Japan!
Also, no shit you’re going to find lesbians at a lesbian bar…………
Capri was my closet username (as in, username on sites on which I used to be closeted, including this one) so clearly I was onto something.
#7 is… impressive.
Yeah #7 sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
So once the cherry is in there, is the goal to pop it?
Also, why a cherry? Can I use granola, or kale?
I feel like kale would work pretty well. Probs not granola though. That stuff is pretty sugary.
Please tell me I’m not the only one rushing out to buy a jar of cherries right now?!
“The atmosphere: girls dressed in masculine attire, smoking, drinking, melancholy music and conversation consisting of slang expressions common to inverts… the girls addressed each other by their masculine nicknames — ‘Nickie,’ ‘Jimmy,’ “Pete,” etc.”
Why oh whyyyy can I not find this in modern day Hollywood?
Because it’s LA? I live in SF and whenever I visit friends down there I always wonder where the butch dykes/bulldaggers are. Anyone in the straddleverse know? I’d like to be around my peeps when I’m down there for extended visits.
i have one in my apartment
Mutual Onanism is actually the name of my financial planning/insurance company.
“You’re in good hands…your own.”
“You’re in good hands…your own.”
But that wouldn’t be mutual, would it? :p
This post is perfect:
Islands, in general. hehe. Dykes and our Islands! No, but seriously! also 10 and 11. Just got back from Dyke Weekend in Saitama, near Tokyo, so yes i can vouch: Japan has lots of lady lovin’ ladies! In 11 he’s talking about the Takarazuka review – totally gay, although not nearly as gay and fun as it was in its heyday, apparently. I’d certainly like to shower some of those actresses with kisses…
oh, and of course, I will never look at cherries again without thinking of them inside vaginas. :)
“In one brothel, the lesbian inserted a stemless cherry, which she took out of a small jar, into the vagina of her partner, and then proceeded to extract it with movements of her tongue during the act of cunnilingus.”
Best sex advice ever.
“a stemless cherry, which she took out of a small jar…” THANK GOODNESS YOU CLEARED THAT UP, MR. CAPRIO. I’d been wondering where lesbians kept their cherries.
It would’ve been a totally different ballgame had she taken it out of a large jar
Um what is mutual onanism? I request a private lesson.
mmmm, female homosexuality on islands, an ancient tradition observed by the lesbian kind dating back to the ancient greek island of Lesbos…
Number 4, but replace it with with “Art School and “anywhere.”
“14 Locations Conducive To Lesbianism According To 1954′s “Female Homosexuality”” aka ‘In Favour of Emigration’ tbh.
“…the defeat in the last war brought about a complete destruction of many phases of the feudalistic system including many sexual taboos.”
This makes no sense and yet the nerd in me really loves this political analysis (also if there are more lesbians after war defeats, why are we so worried about WINNING them?)
“Number 6: Prisons” aka “Orange Is The New Black”. This helps explain the entire show.
Number 7 though.
Wow, seems the only place I can feel safe from random acts of Lesbianism is the Organic Farmer’s market. Unless it’s on an island of course.
just avoid whole foods at all costs
A friendly reminder about the cherries: on a scale from one to yeast infection, you will get a yeast infection. The only hole food should go inside of is your mouth.
Also yay for this post.
thank you! i was going to make a comment about cherry yeast infection because the only cherries that come out of small jars that i know of are syrup infused or glace, which, vom.
or cherries in clingwrap y/n
“on a scale from one to yeast infection, you will get a yeast infection.” I just spit out some of my coffee. Love all the helpful hints, Ali!
This thought occurred to me. And then I proceeded to wonder, “But would it be worth it?” And I gotta say I’m 50/50 on this one.
It’s totally true, this will happen unless you have a vag of steel.
This also occurred to me and then I rewrote it in my head to be a fresh cherry, which might be better? I’m unwilling to be an experimental subject though. There are certain things I will not do, even for science.
Australia is an island and we host the Sydney Mardi Gras so I guess he’s onto something……
The comments have me dying but I thought single sex schools would be very very obvious. I mean “homosexual” acts are super rampant in boys school and girls as well. Mmm.
Well, now it’s just so completely obvious about why I turned out queer–I’m a girl of “artistic temperament” going to a school that is almost entirely all girls (which happens to be an art school) and grew up from a young age as a part of the theater world. Also did I mention my childhood summer camp was on an island.
All I can think is, wow, someone missed the memo about correlation not equaling causation.