Ah, Spotify Wrapped, the annual tradition of people posting their most listened to artists and songs with captions like, “Yup I’m gay” or “No surprises here” or “This is because I fall asleep to ocean noise.”

The fact is I love Spotify Wrapped. I love hearing about what artists my friends have enjoyed most this year and being reminded of artists I also love or learning about new artists I could someday love. Is Spotify evil? Absolutely. But that’s why it’s important to also support the artists you love via vinyl or merch or concert tickets or Bandcamp purchases. (Especially indie artists… Taylor Swift will be fine even if you don’t buy every special limited edition remix of a remix Target exclusive glow in the dark Taylor’s version.)

Beyond not paying the artists, another reason Spotify — the company I’m aware I’m celebrating today — is bad is their increasing use of AI. I know, I know, algorithms have been part of their thing for awhile. But the quality of the algorithm has decreased in recent years as the nonsense on the app has increased. That includes the microgenres they’ve included this year as part of Spotify Wrapped. Focusing on June, July, and August, mine were: Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop, Theatrical West End Broadway, and Rainy Day Permanent Wave Art Pop. Those certainly are… words.

So I’m here to provide twelve alternate subgenres that actually mean something. To me, anyway.

My January

Winter Warmth Adventure Pop

Artists Include: Chappell Roan, Tove Lo, Kylie Minogue

I traveled to my girlfriend’s TV premiere, had friends visit, and generally was celebrating living in New York again after half a decade away. Sometimes not even cold weather is enough to keep you inside and pop music is the secret. I was hot to go, I was staying high, I was gonna cancel but then I didn’t.

My February

Sappy Sexy Super Gay

Artists Include: Kehlani, Rett Madison, Whitney Houston

Two of my best friends got married!! GAY MARRIED!!! And also turns out late winter is a lot better when newly living with your girlfriend.

My March

Sometimes Dads Are Onto Something

Artists Include: Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, The Beatles

Those last weeks of winter when the cold just won’t quit, I often find myself turning to nostalgia. Sometimes that means a high school fave, but sometimes I go back even further and remember that my dad’s taste in music makes some points. Springsteen is the only one I listen to regularly, but “Vienna”?? Billy Joel really did something with that one.

My April

Long Distance Lullabies

Artists Include: Carole King, Wafia, Joan Armatrading

Okay, yes, my girlfriend and I moved in together, but she’s Canadian so we do still have to go back and forth and sometimes spend time apart. So this month was defined by longinggggggg. Sometimes sad, sometimes grateful, always lots of feelings.

My May

Tennis Slut

Artists Include: Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Beyoncé, Isaac Dunbar

Challengers and the Challengers score had a grip on me — had? has! — in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Do I play tennis? I do not. But being a tennis slut is more of a frame of mind. So, yes, this includes Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’ Challengers score — it also includes music that makes me generally feel like Tashi Duncan.

My June

Brat Summer and It’s the Same But It’s Not Because It’s Pride

Artists Include: Charli xcx, SOPHIE, Robyn

I don’t care that every corporation and politician tried to co-op brat. It was the album of the year and it’s so good and I love it and I love that it inspired me to finally be the Charli xcx fan I always should have been. What a fun gay month of being gay and listening to the first straight woman I’ve had a devastating crush on in years. (Are we sure she still just has bi VIBES?? Are we SURE??)

My July

Summer Rain Serenade

Artists Include: Indigo De Souza, Joni Mitchell, Griff

The Spotify robot is obsessed with rainy days, so here let’s do a rainy vibe that has some logic to it. I spent the summer in Toronto and I really do think the Canadian summer rains have such a different vibe than a fun chaotic Brooklyn summer rain. Sometimes mellow is needed, especially the month after pride.

My August

Nasty Nostalgia

Artists Include: Paramore, Bright Eyes, Ingrid Michaelson

Okay, now it’s time for high school faves. I visited my hometown which always brings up some leftover angst vibes. What’s it called when nostalgia is bad? Is that still nostalgia? I listen to Paramore all the time (and Hayley Williams’ solo stuff) but the other two are reserved solely for trips back to the suburbs.

My September

A New Genre: Gay Pop

Artists Include: Troye Sivan, Devon Again, Janelle Monáe

I never stopped listening to Charli. This was the month I went to Sweat Tour so I also learned to appreciate her gay friend Troye. Also if you haven’t heard Devon Again’s “Cherry Cola” it was one of my summer obsessions.

My October

Fiona Apple

Artists Include: Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple is a genre. It includes the music of Fiona Apple. A lot of cool things happened to me in October (I released my movie!) but while I was being fabulous on Instagram I was also going through a ton of health stuff and generally feeling quite depressed about all that. Thank God for Fiona Apple, who, yes, I listen to every day of every week of every year, but who was especially helpful for me in October.

My November

Funky Fascism Feels

Artists Include: Solange, The Chicks, Fiona Apple

I don’t know if you heard but there was an election in the U.S. in November and the greater of two evils won. I’m thankful for music that helps me wallow and also cheer me up and also inspire me to fight. Special shoutouts to Solange’s “Six O’Clock Blues” and Fiona Apple’s “Under the Table.”

My December

No One Loves Christmas Like a Jewish Girl Born on December 24th

Artists Include: Mariah Carey, Bing Crosby, Barbra Streisand

I agree that Spotify Wrapped should come out in January and include the entire year. And yet I do fear Christmas music would then make it onto my list. I’m sorry, but I love this season in a corny way I have no business feeling as a Jew. Yes, I was born on Christmas Eve. No, I don’t feel cheated. Everyone is always celebrating around my birthday! How fun! This year, I got my first ever Christmas tree so I’m really leaning in.

Merry Spotify Wrapped to you all and to all a goodnight.

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