I am an extremely monogamous person in an extremely monogamous marriage. My friend often jokes that my wife and I are evidence monogamy works and can be extremely horny.

I have always felt pretty monogamous, which caused some friction in my last relationship when my now-ex wanted to open up our relationship after we’d been monogamous for a few years She went about this in the most horrible way imaginable, and sometimes I worried that she had somehow ruined the concept of polyamory for me, but no, it’s not that, I’m just very monogamous, and that’s fine! I don’t really think about it that often to be honest.

I am lucky to have found someone as thrilled by monogamy as myself in my wife. I don’t really foresee either of us changing our mind about the way our relationship functions. My sexual, emotional, and romantic needs are met within the relationship. I don’t really develop crushes on other people because if anything I have had a lifelong tendency to develop FRIEND crushes. If I like someone, I really want to be their friend! Whereas in my last relationship, kissing other people was often considered in-bounds, that’s no longer my situation. We’re also not particularly interested in threesomes. So I guess I’d say I’m about as far to the monogamous side of this scale as you can get!

Though I, again, don’t really envision us changing our minds about any of this, we’re both incredibly open about our desires and sexualities with each other and also see each other as complex human beings who can change and shift. There’s just a confidence and self-assuredness for both of us when it comes to monogamy.

I actually was just having a hypothetical conversation about this with a friend recently. I can’t say for 100% certain, because it’s been a long time since I’ve been in anything even close to a relationship, and I’ve never actually had a long-term partner. Though that fact is what has me thinking that it’s possible I’m somewhere in the middle of the scale. Because on one hand, I think it would be really nice to be someone’s #1. Right now, as a single person with a sibling, I’m nobody’s first pick. I’m not even MY first pick most of the time. I used to experience jealousy about this, like if some friends were hanging out and hadn’t invited me, or if I found out some people knew a Big Life Update days or weeks before me, but it’s a fact I’ve just accepted, that I have a certain place in everyone’s life and it doesn’t actually matter if I’m first or not. Maybe I’m the first person one friend invites to one type of event, or another friend tells their gossip to first, but I’m no one’s default, and I can imagine having a person like that could be very nice. Someone to love me, someone to snuggle with, someone to cook for, someone to talk to about EVERYTHING with instead of trying to pick and choose who I talk to so I don’t feel like I’m bothering any one friend too much, someone to be my automatic +1 so I don’t feel like I have to choose between my friends.

Even on a boring practical level, having someone else help with chores or choosing what to eat for dinner or pay the rent would be grand. On the other hand, I am very settled and happy in this single life I’ve carved out for myself. It’s kind of hard to imagine anyone else fitting into it 100% of the time. So having a partner whose attention wasn’t 100% on me does sound theoretically appealing. When I was younger, I used to joke that I wanted to date a professional athlete so they’d be gone half the year, but maybe that’s because I hadn’t heard of polyamory yet. I also sometimes envisioned myself living in a group home for foster kids with other adults, so maybe that also was a version of polyamory/group co-parenting before I knew what polyamory was! Though I don’t know if I myself have the energy for more than one partner. I have a lot of TV shows to keep up with, you know? So my short answer is: I’m not sure where I fall on the scale yet. I believe I could be very happy in a monogamous relationship, but I think it’s possible I could be happy in a polyamorous one, too.

Most of my relationships follow a polyamorous model that is similar to an ‘open relationship’. My primary partner and I were each other’s main priority and we could seek other connections outside of the main relationship as appropriate.

I could see myself being in equally committed relationships with multiple people simultaneously. The thing is, it’s hard enough finding one person who likes me. Two at the same time? Preposterous.

My first long-term relationship began as a monogamous relationship, but I requested that we open it up due to distance-related issues. This was a bad idea, since my then-partner prefers monogamy and was mostly doing this to keep me happy. A bad situation for everyone involved, but I’m happy to have kept her friendship after we separated. Since then, I’ve exclusively formed polyamorous relationships from the start and my engagement with monogamy has been rather hypothetical.

I struggle to see myself with one person permanently. I’ve never encountered a person who fits me so perfectly that I can’t think of anyone else, ever. I also don’t think it’s fair on me (or my partners) to set the expectation of being each other’s ‘forever’. The idea of fixing myself to someone and having that relationship overcome any challenge is a little farfetched in my life.

So what I’m saying is, I’m totally cool with monogamy and open to trying it out. I just don’t know if it’s for me.

After my last relationship ended, I decided I never wanted to be in a monogamous relationship again. It’s funny, because I think I’m a fairly monogamous person. I like having one partner and when I have that one partner I’m going to dedicate most of my time and my romantic and sexual energy to that one partner. But I’m also a person who likes experiences! And even more than that I like the possibility of experiences.

I found it to be so daunting in previous relationships to think about never having other romantic and sexual experiences if things worked out with that partner. It felt so limiting in the longterm. It also made me feel guilty when I had crushes and sometimes made those crushes into more than they should be. Maybe this is more an OCD thing than a monogamy/polyamory thing, but I’d spiral over the possibility of betrayal, often having nightmares where I cheated even though I’ve never cheated in my life.

For me, non-monogamy just feels better. I can’t see myself ever having more than one partner, nor do I seek out group experiences with my partner, nor do I find myself dating that much. But I like the option! I like the occasional fling, the knowledge when entering a space that anything can happen, the understanding that new connections can be physical if that’s where they’re meant to go. And having this option often makes me want it less! It used to feel like this alternate life sliding doors situation. Now it just gets to be a crush and like most crushes fizzles out on its own whether that’s after a few hookups or just a few conversations.

I also don’t really experience romantic jealousy. At least not to a serious degree. I’m much more likely to experience compersion. So it’s just nice being in a relationship where we trust we’re each other’s person, but can still talk about crushes and experiences and daydream. Life is so long and I know some years my Taurus moon runs the show and some years my Sag Venus runs the show and I like allowing for both.

I’ve vacillated on this at different points in my life and been in relationships that fell at various points along the scale from monogamous to open. Right now, I’m in a very happily monogamous marriage that I intend to stay in forever and ever.

In the past, I’ve been in relationships where it was okay to kiss or make out with other people. I think that can be fun and a little thrilling and it doesn’t have to threaten the primary relationship — but that also was a thing that worked for me in my twenties and thirties when I was going out a lot more than I do these days! I’m also very much a person who can separate sexual activities from emotions and not everybody is like that. I’ve been in a relationship where bringing in a third person for a minute was really good for our relationship with each other, which was cool to experience. I’ve also been the third.

Twice I was in relationships with people who wanted to be full-blown poly, so twice I gave that a shot. Where that didn’t work for me was that although I still found it exciting to flirt and hook up with people outside of the relationship (or with my partner) — I had no desire to enter into full, ongoing, emotional and physical relationships with anybody besides my primary partner. I hate going on dates! I’m a weirdo with social anxiety, and I don’t necessarily click with a lot of people, it’s really rare for me to connect with someone in a way that leads to sexual attraction and romantic love. So even in those poly relationships my mindset was always; okay that’s something they can do if they want to, but that’s not what I’m going to be doing.  I think if I have extra time, I’d rather use that to work on my friendships or my writing or my work or my reading than to go on dates. The thing about me is that I am old!

Right now, I really love building a family with my wife where our primary focus is on each other. That’s what feels most sustainable to me long-term.

On a spectrum from polyamorous to monogamous, I would say I’m slightly left of center. I’ve never identified as purely polyamorous, but I’ve certainly claimed monogamy during many phases of my life. My first few series relationships were pretty strictly monogamous, and it was a great arrangement. I’m currently in a happy, monogamous relationship but, similar to Drew, I have OCD thoughts entertaining the “what ifs” about almost everything.

Even though I don’t want to pursue a polyamous-type relationship long-term, I hate the feeling of being confined to one thing. I’m still trying to sort out if these are inherently my OCD or if I’m feeling more pulled towards an open-ish relationship (or both). I’ve always believed that — generally — monogamous people can only be with other monogamous people, and polyamorous people can only be other polyamorous people. Sure, it’s probably not going to work out between a completely monogamous person and completely polyamous person, but I’d like to believe that those of us hovering in the middle ground can think a bit less black-and-white.

My friends joke that I am so monogamous, I couldn’t even romance a new character in my other playthroughs of Baldur’s Gate 3 (my heart is with you always, Lae’zel). The morning after my girlfriend and I had our first date (and the first time we slept together), I very subtly let her know my alignment by blurting out “I’m monogamous, by the way” over iced coffee. Needless to say, there’s no mystery when it comes to this aspect of my dating life.

That being said, I once went on a date with someone who identified as poly, and they were kind enough to let me ask them about it. They explained it to me in a way that actually clicked for my brain: For them, the anxiety and jealousy they felt in monogamous relationships was a result of relying on one person for all of their emotional needs. When they opened their self up to polyamory, their anxiety significantly lessened, recognizing that spreading one’s connections out also builds a sense of community and a sense of personal confidence (if this person leaves me, I will be sad, but I will be okay). As someone who crashes out after every breakup (I’m working on it in therapy), this bamboozled and fascinated me. While I personally still don’t think polyamory is for me, this framework has helped me to approach my relationship with a more fluid, relaxed sense of self. For me, having a wide network of friendships that I dedicate specific time to, as well as my friendship with myself, is what makes my monogamous relationship all the stronger, because it is not the pillar of my everything. I am that (or at least, I am in the process of learning to be that for myself).

All respect to my poly friends, and thank you in some ways for teaching me how to be better to myself even as I continue to pursue monogamy.

What a timely question! I’m probably in the middle — it took a long time for me to admit that to myself, but I’m definitely into sustaining multiple romantic relationships. I say timely because my partner (of six years!) and I just loosely, lightly opened up our relationship within the past few months. Most of my relationships have been monogamous. At first, this was because I assumed monogamy was the default, and then later, because my anxiety wouldn’t let me consider anything else. Well, my anxiety and maybe a little jealousy. I started thinking that I was perhaps ill-suited for monogamy in 2017/2018, but after a disastrous stint trying out non-monogamy, I fell back into monogamy — or at least monogamish, idk what to call it but it allowed me to keep a romantic friendship, so probably not traditional monogamy — for several years.

Also, my partner was like, deeply monogamous back then. I think it was the right move for us. We built a really stable foundation and talked about opening up for more than a year before we actually did. I think right now, we’re doing something in the middle of poly and like, true, traditional, proper monogamy, and it works for us!

I’ll be honest and say I’m really not into the way being monogamous and/or polyamorous has been propped up into some kind of identity marker, so I’m into the way this question is worded. And I think more people should think about it this way — as being on a scale, as shifting and changing depending on where you are and what is happening, as recognizing those shifts and changes are just kind of being an underlying fact of life. I have gone through many phases when it comes to sex and dating, and I sometimes feel like I’ve seen and done it all, and I probably have but also, I think there are still some awaiting me somewhere down the road.

Right now, I’m in a long-term partnership with someone I want to be with for as long as our relationship works for both of us (hopefully forever), and I’m endlessly sexually attracted to her. As of this moment, we’re both open to each other having other sexual partners and open to whatever experiences either of us want to pursue. I don’t think either of us have the emotional energy to have an additional intimate partnership like the one we have, but we know and understand that sexual desire is another thing entirely. Sex is not such a sacred, untouchable thing as people make it out to be, and I don’t think it means anything negative when your sexual desires extend beyond your relationship (even when the sex in your relationship is incredibly good!). We’re human, and we know that the possibility of that happening is always there — whether people want to admit it or not — so we’ve kind of broken down the walls and just said, “If/when it happens, it’s cool. Let’s just talk about it.” It’s a kind of low-stakes non-monogamy that ensures neither of us will be hurt or unhappy, and that works best for me (and her) for now.

I’ve always known that I had the ability (and personality) to entertain multiple crushes and to be in love with more than one person at the same time. However, the spectrum / scale wording in this question is pretty helpful, because I’ve never taken a hard stance about being somehow “wired” a certain way. I’ve had multiple partners in monogamous setups be very controlling, and wanting to have a monopoly on my attraction and attention was a huge part of that. After those experiences, I’m not interested in a monogamous setup. I identify a great deal with the values of relationship anarchy, with investing in relationships outside of societal expectations of what they “should” be, with allowing friendships to be deeply emotionally intimate, with allowing romances to be flings if they need to be, or deep and committed if that’s where things seem to flow. I don’t think that non-monogamy is easy, at all. It takes a lot of intentionality from all parties involved, and there’s a lot that can go wrong — plus we’re all traumatized. However, taking the approach to building community around me with multiple people, with being there for friends and lovers and having friends and lovers be there for me and not expecting any one person to meet any other one person’s needs has resulted in me feeling more resilient and more secure and more held than I did before very intentionally taking this approach.

On the spectrum of Poly/Monogamy, I like to identify as monogamish. I also fancy the notion of relationship anarchy, meaning I do desire longevity with one person for the remainder of this life and I want us to experience the most free versions of ourselves within this relationship. My idea of this freedom looks like us exploring the fullness of ourselves and our desires as they continue to expand and shift. My hope is that if another party becomes of desire, we have the tools to talk it through, support each other, and it is something we want to do together that is fulfilling.

There was one time I tried opening a relationship, and I recognize now we wanted it open to fill value voids when we were really just misaligned to begin with. So while I completely understand polyamory in theory and support all my poly fam, in practice is where I have pause. Maybe because I don’t know if I’m built for it and I have a whole lot of questions.

At one point or another, I’ve fallen on multiple parts of this spectrum, with varying levels of participation. I’ve been in relationships that are open, I’ve been a member of someone else’s relationship, I’ve been a temporary third to many, and I’ve been in, and am currently in, a monogamous relationship. I suppose it’s safe to say that monogamy is my preference, but for me, a classic people pleaser, it’s always just dependent on the person I’m dating. In my first open relationship, I never would have even thought to open it up if my girlfriend at the time hadn’t asked for it. I didn’t know it was an option! 

I really like that I’ve had many different experiences on the monogamy/polyamory scale because it helps inform a lot of decision making and also, it was really fun! For the most part. I did ultimately get cheated on in two different open relationships, which, yes, can happen! 

I think in any open relationship I’ve been in, my partners were “utilizing” it more than I was. I just like to flirt and occasionally make out, but I think I’d be too overwhelmed to ever go on dates or date an additional person. I have a hard enough time responding to texts as it is. I am a somewhat jealous person but I like to believe in a very reasonable way. It takes a lot for me to get actually jealous to the point where I’d need to step in. 

I also think that non-monogamy is a lot harder than people think that it is or even admit that it is. It takes a lot of trust, communication, and hard work – which is why I think a lot of people fail at it (like me, lol).