We’re here today to talk about the 12 Lesbian Love Languages — but before we get there, let’s take a trip back in time. In 1992, an author, talk show host and Baptist minister (eek) named Gary hit the jackpot with the publication of his magenta book “The Five Love Languages,” a lens through which many couples across the generations have been able to understand their needs with increased clarity. Through quizzes and self-evaluations and spin-off companies, the Love Languages Cinematic Universe has expanded over the years, enabling millions of people all over the universe to know if their love language is:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

There’s no real scientific basis to any of this, but everybody seems to have a nice time with it and these terms have since exited their original context and now exist in the popular imagination. Meanwhile, Gary has continued writing books about love languages, with focuses on different niches such as “the workplace” and, um, “the military”?

However, he has yet to really dig into lesbian love languages, and hopefully he never will. Luckily, I am here and found the time to do so myself.

Bits

People whose love language is “bits” feel best about their relationships when their partner is naturally very funny and also invests in a good bit and maintains said bit. Whereas others might prefer to ground their discourse in reality, Bit queers prefer wordplay, private jokes, strange accents and the life-altering ability to find humor in the everyday.

Holding Space

People whose love language is “Holding Space” feel best when their partner displays high levels of emotional vulnerability and literacy, often due to years of psychotherapy, thus enabling the partner to constantly communicate about their feelings, fears, insecurities and assorted traumas. They also appreciate frequent check-ins on your needs (e.g., current boundaries and triggers). Activities like “starting couples therapy” and “reading self-help books together” are good ways to connect and strengthen your relationship.

Premature Commitment

Nothing brings a lesbian couple closer to one another quite like making a major commitment just a little bit too soon! If your partner’s love language is Premature Commitment, consider moving in together after three weeks, getting engaged five months later, adopting a dog shortly thereafter, starting IVF circa month seven, or buying property together using your joint powers to secure a fixed-rate mortgage even though your relationship is already falling apart. Nothing makes a Premature Commitment lover happier than knowing your love for them is so intense that you’re already looking for rings before you’ve so much as met their best friend or watched a full season of television together. This is what we do as a people and nobody from the outside world is allowed to judge us because it’s our business.

Health Insurance

People whose love language is “health insurance” generally reside in the U.S. and really need a good health insurance plan. There’s one special way to make them feel special: adding them to your health insurance policy.

Gay Chaos

People whose love language is “Gay Chaos” are happiest when their partner is down for stuff like “benders,” spontaneous vacations, living in a van, gambling, adopting a herd of lizards, credit-card-enabled shopping sprees or driving to the suburbs to meet a stranger to buy shrooms. You can show your partner you love them by agreeing to be impulsive and irresponsible because being in a mess together is very bonding and erotic.

Constant Communication

Encompassing the Original Five love language of “Words Of Affirmation” with a Gay Twist, those who appreciate Constant Communication feel loved when their partner texts them constantly all the time and enables the “share my location” feature on their mobile telephone.

Acts of Service

Yes, there is one major place where the traditional love languages overlap with queer culture and that space is right here: Acts of Service. Straight women with this love language have no idea how much better their lives would be if they gave up their husband for a local butch who can start a fire with a piece of paper and a stick of gum or a handy-femme who can build an IKEA HEMNES Dresser in under three hours without chipping a nail. The world is TEEMING with handy queers.

People whose love language is “Acts of Service” are happiest and calmest when their partner does something to ease one of life’s many unbearable burdens. For example: fixing the showerhead, making dinner, taking the dog to the vet after the dog ate a dildo, waking up and holding the baby until the baby stops crying, filling the car tires with air using that mysterious and honestly overly complicated whatzithoozle outside the gas station so the “low tire pressure” light will turn off, picking up something at Costco for the potluck, or spending a Tuesday night drawing 12 cartoons for the post you’re writing for your website about love languages. (Thanks babe!)

Show and Tell

Another gay twist on a traditional love language, partners with this love language want their Words Of Affirmation to be public words because they want everybody to know exactly how much you love them and also how hot you are together! You can make your partner feel loved by writing really long instagram captions about how wonderful they are on a biweekly basis, making all your gravatars pictures of both of you, publishing a book of poems about them, or noting that you have a wife in all of your professional bios. Also you can write poems in instagram captions. All of this is legal behavior.

Collabs

People whose lesbian love language is “collaboration” would like to perhaps write a breakup album with you, or start a wine bar with you or curate a youtube channel with you or produce a film with you or start a gay camp with you or blow up a pipeline with you or launch a production company that centers the stories of revolutionaries who move culture forward with you.

Fandom

If you started talking on tumblr, met at a ‘con, and contributed to multiple podcast-centered Patreons together as a couple, your partner’s love language might be Fandom! Show your love by displaying an interest in her favorite movies, books, characters, websites, cinematic universes, international theme park conglomerates and TV shows. Enhance your relationship by seeing the same queer comic or musician whenever they’re in town. It is important to remember that love is not about what they’re like, but what they like.

Sex

If your partner’s love language is sex, they would like to have sex a lot. You can make them feel loved by railing them hard and often, buying lots of sex toys, and making sure all your friends know who is the rope daddy

Nesting

People whose lesbian love language is “nesting” feel most beloved when their partner wants to stay inside and watch movies while burning scented candles and eating lasagna. In many ways this language overlaps with the original love language of “Gifts” insofar as gifts like a larger television, meaningful art, an actual house or an air fryer can enhance the nesting experience. It’s also a queer take on “quality time,” and you can most adequately warm your partner’s heart by asking them if they want to leave the bar to go home and watch The Bear. It’s pretty cute, actually.  We’re cute you guys, all of us, we’re all very cute.

All cartoons drawn by my amazing perfect gorgeous lovely girlfriend Gretchen, who scowls and goes “yeah right” every time I give her a complement.

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